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Is he right to be annoyed? He was asleep, while I watched porn. He said that what I did was a form of cheating

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Pornography, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 February 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 19 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *mmm021328 writes:

Okay so My boyfriend always takes the mick out of me that I want sex too much.

I do like it every day but I don't think that's a problem..

Anyway, that's not the issue.

Last night he fell asleep when he knew I was horny, which isn't really the problem either.

Although it does make me feel a bit s^^t when he does that sometimes..

I was feeling frustrated while he was snoring next to me so I watched some porn and got myself off.

I didn't close the window before I fell asleep and he saw it this morning and seemed annoyed with me.

He commented that it's a form of cheating.

I really don't understand the issue to be honest. I would rather have sex with him over watching porn anytime but last night he didn't want it.

What do people think? Is he right to be annoyed?

View related questions: horny, porn

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 February 2017):

chigirl agony auntHe does not have a right. But the thing is that he is feeling emasculated. According to male code of conduct, you're not a proper man if you can't take care of your womans sexual needs. So he feels like crap because he doesn't have the same high sex drive you have, and feels like the sex he gives you isn't enough to satisfy you (which it isn't). But he is immature, and insecure, and instead of talking about it like a mature person, he is acting annoyed and trying to make you out to be the bad person.

Looking at porn is not cheating, unless you have given him some promise that you would never do it. Going behind his back, that is cheating. But you have been honest about watching porn, and he has not previously stated that he views porn as cheating.

He is just feeling like he is not enough for you. Which he, in all honesty, isn't, and never will be. You need to either find ways to masturbate and get off without him feeling hurt, or you need to end the relationship. Its a matter of sexual compatibility. He doesn't have the same need or drive to have sex as often as you do. This isn't something you just decide, he can't decide to be horny more often than you can decide to not be horny so often. It's something you either are or aren't.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017):

It's not cheating at all. It's masterbating, you cannot cheat with yourself. Your partner is feeling self concouise because your sex drive is higher than his and he's panicking he's not enough. Unfortunately he us taking that out on you rather than dealing with his own feelings of inadequacy.

Let him know you love him, would never cheat but sometimes need an outlet.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2017):

My husband loves it when we watch porn togethereroticsex makes you grow closer

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A female reader, Hmmm021328 United Kingdom +, writes (18 February 2017):

Hmmm021328 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Anonymous.. I'm not harsh and don't expect him to pleasure me all the time, which is precisely why I didn't try to keep him awake and I 'let him sleep'. My issue is not that he wanted to sleep, it is that he was annoyed that I got myself off to porn.

Your first paragraph would've been more than enough to answer my question.

FYI, I work just as much as him and start earlier, I study and read a lot. We find each other very interesting, have plenty to talk about and do lots together. I'm not obsessed with sex and our relationship is absolutely fine.

Like I said, I'm just trying to understand the problem people on here might have with watching porn so that I can try to understand his.

Thanks though!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 February 2017):

The use of porn can be debated all day long, and until the next millennium. People don't see eye to eye about it's use; or the morality of it. Opinions abound, but what really matters is how your mate or spouse feels about it?

Yes, they do have a right to be upset for you to find an alternative or substitute to replace them; if they're not in the mood, or don't deliver on demand.

Sex is best when both parties want it. If it upsets your mate that you didn't wait, or initiate sex earlier, he or she would have a right to feel cheated. Regardless of your opposing opinion; their feelings about it do matter. Especially if it hurts their feelings or pisses them off. How does it feel when the situation is reversed? Just because it's okay with you, doesn't mean it has to be okay with your mate.

I find it exhausting that people compare themselves to the exaggerated-theatrical erotic-appeal of porn models or actors; but I am more empathetic to the concern that overuse of porn usually reduces sex-drive, or becomes addictive. Now that should be the major concern when you're in a sexually-active monogamous commitment, of any kind.

Sex is shared intimacy, and when you find pleasure and relief somewhere else; you deprive your partner of their option and/or desire to please you sexually. That makes them feel you'd prefer some chosen alternative; and find them deficient or inept in some way. It may even be considered spiteful.

It is cheating if you have to sneak behind your partner's back, deny that you use it; or can't perform/orgasm, because you've already pleased yourself. You're taking something valuable from them. You've reduced an act of affection to nothing more than getting-off, or shooting your wad.

Part of the pleasure of sex is bringing your partner to orgasm, and the emotional/psychological reward is that you are the reason they reached climax. That is a tribute to your skill and confirmation of how much you love them. It affirms how sexually-attracted you are to them in every conceivable way. It's the necessary positive-reinforcement we all need from a sex-partner. Bells and sirens go-off!

Masturbation to porn as the alternative to sex with your mate can have an emotional and psychological impact on their self-esteem and confidence. It may even lessen their attraction to you. The worst effect it can have on a relationship, is the loss of trust. It's a kick in the nuts, and punch in gut!

If you have super uneven sex-drives; and yours is far superior to his. Then perhaps he might compromise by using sex-toys to please you, when he isn't feeling physically up to the task. If work-schedules and long hours tire out your partner, have sex earlier or before bedtime.

Last resort. If he doesn't compensate in other areas of the relationship. Find a new boyfriend with a comparable sex-drive, and has more to offer.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

There is nothing wrong with what you did.

I do it all the time when my boyfriend is away.

It's just harmless fantasizing.

In your case, your boyfriend fell asleep on the job.

You took care of yourself. You have needs.

Don't beat yourself up over it and don't let him beat you up over it either.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

For some people porn IS a form of cheating- not just some fantasy but actually getting off to the visual and verbal stimulation of others. No it isn't as serious as actually physically cheating with someone else, but many people do see it as a form of infidelity. Every couple has to discuss this issue and decide for themselves if it is or if it isn't for THEM.

I think you need to have an open discussion about that as a couple.

As for his falling asleep and lower sex drive, I think you are being a little harsh with expecting him to pleasure you all the time. You literally want sex every day? That is great for you, but most people can't keep up at that pace. In fact, many people actually enjoy waiting a few days (or longer) in order to build up the anticipation. It is like dessert, if you eat it all the time, it isn't really as tasty or exciting anymore. If you build it up, it is like fireworks!

We are all entitled to our own drives, but I don't think you can expect him to do you all the time just because that's what YOU want. YOU are horny so why the hell should he sleep? Maybe because HE is tired! Maybe he has to work in the morning! Maybe he already did you four out of six days!

My advice would be try to develop some other interests, as sex seems to be literally consuming your thoughts and life every day. Why not take a course in something, do some reading, crafts...whatever? You will become a more interesting person with different things to talk about and different ways to bond with your bf.

If he's too tired, let him sleep, let him dream about you and build desire, and you can either take care of yourself without the porn, or you can go to sleep too and wait and see the fireworks when you let desire build.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 February 2017):

Well, it is his "right" to be annoyed about anything he likes, but it does not mean he IS right.

If you had used the porn instead of having sex with him when he was actually up for it (no pun intended!), then that would be wrong. However, as he was not interested, willing and/or able, what were you expected to do if you were feeling horny? You used the porn to STOP you cheating.

He sounds insecure and intimidated by your higher sex drive. If he is not up for intercourse, could he at least bring you off in other ways when you need it? If not, then I think you watching porn is the last of his worries.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 February 2017):

N91 agony auntIt's definitely not a form of cheating so I wouldn't listen to that accusation.

If you openly declare that you'd like to have sex because you're horny and he declines he doesn't have a leg to stand on in regards to you taking care of it yourself. It's very possible you have mismatched sex drives and if this is going to become a regular complaint from him then it may be time to start pondering if you are as compatible as first thought.

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