A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,So I am in a bit of a situation. I am in a 1 1/2 year relationship with a 35 year old man, who I feel is not trying as hard as he should in many aspects in his life. About a year ago, when we first met--I realized he wasn't in the best financial situation, but at the time I didn't know how bad he was financially.This didn't matter to me because beside having to pay for most dinners and small gifts, it never really impacted my own finances. Now a few months in of dating he loses his job, and it isn't until months later that he's unemployed and has no source of income, that he begins to tell me he needs help. I felt I needed to not be so harsh with judgement and work with him to help him find new employment; this could happen to many people. During this time, I helped him financially--with no expectation of him returning any of the money. We're talking with large sums of money that I never thought I'd give anyone.Unfortunately, his family does not help him in any shape or form and I feel responsible to look out after him. The big problem is the amount of stress this has put on me. I am a 26 year old, I don't need an older man to take care of me--but I was hoping he could take care of himself. And then overtime we could mutually help each other out. Sadly, this has changed my role in the relationship.So about four months ago, the job he found was once again because I spent days looking for him--but he got hired. I thought he would be able to get back up and we were making progress, but during this time he would miss work and come up with excuses as to why he didn't go. Eventually he did not meet the probationary period---and he was let go about a month ago.Now this saddens me because I feel, I am a horrible person for leaving him at his worst time. But my feelings for him are more so from a concerned friend more than anything. As far as relationship, I don't think it could work in the long-term. I am a very dedicated person--and my thing is as follows. He is very sweet, but when I bring up jobs that make minimum wage, he snaps at me and tells me it's awful he has to start from scratch. I encourage him and tell him there's nothing wrong with beginning at the bottom, because he can get back up--provided he has the drive and passion and he just dismisses my advice.While he still had some cash on him, I told him to go to nearby places where he lives and ask the people if they were hiring. He didn't go. Now that he's in the red in his finances, he's telling me he's going to go door to door applying to places. In my head, I was thinking he should have done this long ago. So I don't know if this is manipulation tactic on his end, because the same advice I told him a month ago--is one he is barely putting into action.I know maybe I sound awful for expecting too much, but it's difficult for me because initially I wanted us to work out. Now I just don't want him to be in a situation where he is out on the streets. I do care for him despite the tone of my post.What can I do to help him? Is it awful I want to break up with him at this time? I would love to be a friend and help him--but I feel currently as his boyfriend, he's also really wanting too much from me. He needs me to help him financially, but also fulfill him romantically and at this point in time...I just can't be romantic the way he wants because I am too stressed out with his stress. I know this post is all scattered, but I am in distress and I would very much appreciate any and all advice.
View related questions:
money, older man, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (4 June 2016):
You really need to do best for yourself, and that's to move on and find someone else. It would have to undergo enormous changes in his dedication to being financially responsible. This is not going to happen at age 35, especially as long as he has you to fall back on.
You mention that he is "not trying as hard as he should in many aspects in his life." There's a plural here, suggesting he has problems in other areas of his life, as well. You should have romance and reduced stress in your life and this fellow will forever be problematic. And you are enabling his behavior. You'll do both of you a favor if you end this. You'll almost certainly find a new guy but even if it takes a while, you'll be much happier.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 No, OpP, it is not awful at all that you want to break up at this time- it would be awful if you allowed yourself any longer to be guilt-tripped and manipulated into taking financial care of an able bodied man who is actually older than you.
You have helped him, with gifts, cash " loans " and advise. How does he repay your generosity ? With not bothering to show up at work and getting himself fired. And now, with being choosy about job offers. Halloooo ? Does he not owe you quite some money ? Does he think he can wait for a job offer as a diplomat , to pay you back ?...
Yes he does, because he is entitled and, probably, he takes you for a big fat mug. I am not 100% sure about this second part ; he might perhaps be in good faith- not intentionally set out to exploit you, but one of those people who think they are OWED everything by their partner, just because they graciously accepted to share their bodies with said partner.
But even so, this is not a particularly desirable personality trait in a boyfriend. Or ex boyfriend-turned -friend.
So, as the other ladies said, wish him well and let him go ( in fact, MAKE him go ) without regrets, and consider this a ( costly ) learning experience.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 No Sweetie it is not awful that you want to break up with him at all, and no you do not sound awful in the slightest, you sound like a very caring and giving person.
You took on his financial responsibility, hoping that it was only short term, but it looks like your boyfriend is just lazy and does not want to work. It seems that he has everything he wants and feels he has no need to work, well not if you are going to help him out anyway. His family probably know that he is lazy and that is why they won't help him out, they know that they will not get there money back, and I am pretty sure you know now that you won't be getting yours back.
Sweetie if he really cared and respected you he would have tried to be good at the job you got him, instead he missed days probably knowing that he would get fired and come back to you for support.
He is a man not a child, he won't help himself therefore the best thing that you can do is wish him well, say goodbye and never look back. You have been kind and generous but it is time to call it quits before he ruins your life mentally and financially.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2016):
 I think you VERY early on took the "parent" role in this relationship and all HE did was sit back and let YOU do the work, let you pay, let you find him a new job, encourage him etc. ALL the things a parent would.
And in return what did he do? Well, he didn't bother showing up for work and wasn't hired after the trial. Why? Well, I think he knew he could depend on you to be "helpful".
He is 35. So he IS an adult and "should" have WAY better work ethic than he does.
You have invest SO much into this relationship, emotionally and financially and you are NOT get much back. The money you gave him? You will never see again.
I have to say that a DECENT person would have taken ANY job to PAY back or at least get back on their own feet ASAP, no whined about "not wanting to start over".
What you have is a guy who has been taken advantage of you financially all in the name of "love". Now I get wanting to help someone out. I think it's definitely a good trait. My now husband, had to leave his well paying job and move back to another state to take care of his dad who had just had a stroke. I DID help out him out financially, so he could stay and take care of his dad. But it was not a few months into the relationship it was closer to a year. So at that time I KNEW we both wanted a future with each other.
I think you jumped in TOO early with the life-saver. A few months into a relationship is WAY early to know if this is someone you want to be with long term, and definite too early to take care of them financially. I know, I know 20/20 hindsight is a different story than when you actually live it..
I don't think you breaking up is unfair. You have come to realize HE and you are NOT a good match long term. That while you ARE a strong and independent woman you don't want to BE with a partner who can't take care of themselves. And it's not like you tossed the towel in after a short relationship, you gave it a year and a half.
So do NOT feel bad for ending it. To me it seems like it was pretty uneven, him taking a lot, you giving a lot.
As for staying friend so you can continue to "help" him, I suggest you don't. This guy NEEDS to learn to stand on his own two feel. DO not enable him by helping him with money and looking for jobs, for crying out loud he is 35!! My guess is his family HAS taken care of him many times and they decided to stop enabling him before he met you. Now you need to stop too.
My guess is? This guy will land on his feet. A guy who has no problem asking his GF of a few months to bank-roll him... will find someone else fairly fast. Heck, he might even find himself a job. AT least for a little while.
Wish him luck, CUT the contact and LEARN from this experience. Think about it. IF you had SAVED up all the money you have been giving him... You savings account would be looking good. Doesn't mean you should regret helping him, you did what you felt was right (for you). But I say in the future it's OK to say no.
...............................
|
