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He treats me better than my exes but I keep finding he tells lies!

Tagged as: Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been dating a guy for 3 months now. He treats me better then all my crappy exes did and seems to really care about keeping me around. The problem is that he's lied to me about a few things, and often tells me that he feels like he's walking on egg shells with me. I'm not sure what I'm doing to contribute to that other then setting basic boundaries.

Early on in our relationship i found out he used to have a huge crush on one of my cute friends, i was kinda hurt by it, but let it go only to find out they slept together too a year ago. That's one lie. Another time he said he stopped by my other friend's house for a moment and they pushed a few shots of liquor on him, causing him to get drunk and hang out all day, only to find out he bought the bottle and took it there himself. Seems petty o guess. Then a week or so ago i was an hour and a half away from home doing a job, and i got back in town early so i drove passed his house because my gut was eating at me. There was a van in the driveway. I went home and never mentioned it. But then he said his friend Tony stopped by. I asked why i never get to meet his friends, they only come around when I'm away, and then i got to meet Tony. Tony talked as if he hasn't seen my guy in forever, commenting on things around the house that had changed etc. And Tony hasn't a vehicle at all.

My guy spends all his free time with me when I'm not working. He don't seem like a player but is a major social butterfly.

He says things sometimes i find offensive somewhat. In the first few weeks of being together he often talked about other females in a perverted manner and i told him a few times nicely i didn't like hearing about that stuff from his past. He claims he just wanted to be honest with me, but i didn't get how talking about the time a chick at work gave him a boner or the topless chicks he went camping with were important things for me to know about. Now he says he feels like he has to be careful what he says around me. His roommate moved his gf in a few weeks back and i guess she was trying to get clean from hard drugs. She walked around in a sports bra everyday and wouldn't say so much as hello to me. Completely avoided me but he rambles on about all the stuff she tells him when I'm not around. I explained that it bugs me she can sit around telling him her whole life story half naked, but can't say hi to me. She's in jail and gone for good now, but then yesterday his parents came over to hang out. We had a good time chatting for a while. After they left he said he was surprised how well i chatted. He said he figured i hated people and would have been upset that his attention was divided. These comments he makes when i express something bothers me, as if I'm some sort of control freak that gets mad for nothing is getting to me. It's like he doesn't understand my point. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I suck at relationships.

View related questions: at work, bra , crush, drugs, drunk, in jail, my ex, player, roommate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2018):

He sounds very immature and also very selfish / possibly narcissistic - I say the latter because he is completely misreading your character and is only able to think about / respond to the things that you tell him upset you by immediately countering with how HE then feels about what you've said and / or jumping to an extreme i.e.. thinking you hate people (because he is so self absorbed that he cannot fully take in or process what you are saying). Narcissists only ever see other people as extensions of themselves to be used for their self gratification. If you don't fit that role, he will simply not be able to 'compute' you as a person in your own right who is different to him and he will be highly insensitive towards you because he will get inwardly freaked out that you are unsettling his enlarged sense of his self importance simply by being different to him.

Get rid of him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018):

Have to agree this ain't working .. though o do see where your coming from . Talking trash about girls and saying you've got bones is completely tasteless don't care how anyone else looks at it . You are right !

He like making you paranoid.. so if I were you I'd kiss the toad goodbye and hit the road . It isn't going to get better and he always going be the same way .

You deserve better .. keep repeating that

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Anon male,

He sounds like a teenager who is very pleases with himself and his "conquests". Pretty immature. and it also show how little respect he actually has for women, IMHO

And I have to say someone who lies about all kind of things that he really doesn't HAVE to lie about... is not going to change and become trustworthy.

He presumes you HATE people? Yet, HE is dating you? Would YOU date a guy who "hated" people?

And the room-mates GF - your BF can't control how she behaves, though I have to say... moving someone in who is supposedly trying to get off hard drugs is a BIG MISTAKE.

He sounds like he just isn't a good fit.

If he already feel like he is walking on eggshells and you feel like he is always lying... this isn't going to improve.

Sorry. Even if he treats you better than your exes doesn't mean HE is good fit for you overall or THAT you are good fit for him.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (20 July 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhy are you with him if you don't trust him? You're driving by his house just to check if there's anything fishy going on because your gut said so? Do you realise that he's not the one looking creepy right now?

Look, I think he's no more than an idiot who doesn't know how to talk to his girlfriend and treats you like one of the guys and that's why he's bragging about having a boner at work and "topless chicks". He seems harmless and a bit stupid even. He's cautious of you and your responses and reactions and doesn't know what might set you off. You're right, he doesn't understand your point and frankly, neither do I.

What exactly is it about him that bothers you? Do you think he's lying to you? Cheating on you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018):

I don't know how old your bf is but he sounds to be terribly immature and also to be honest I don't think he is in love with if you are looking for a long and serious relationship with him because if you terribly love someone you never remember to tell them of your previous escapades.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHe's in a bit of a "no win" situation, isn't he? You got upset he didn't tell you he slept with your friend, despite you already being "hurt" that he had had a crush on her in the past (like that was anything to do with you). Then you got upset because he TOLD you about other women in his past. What is it you want from him exactly? I am not at all surprised he feels like he is walking on eggshells around you. He was probably scared to tell you HE brought the booze round to his friends.

As for the friend's half naked girlfriend, it is not your boyfriend's fault if she found HIM easy to talk to but didn't want to talk to YOU. If she was coming off drugs, who knows what was going on in her head. She may just find men easier to relate to. As you call your boyfriend a "social butterfly", perhaps he just had an approach that made her WANT to talk to him. She shared a house with him. You were just a visiting girlfriend.

It sounds, from what you have posted, that you ARE a bit of a control freak. You seem to be looking for things to be upset about. The problem with trying to control others is that it is a futile task because, inevitably, you CANNOT control them. What you can LEARN to control, however, is YOUR behaviour and YOUR reaction to what they do and say. Next time your boyfriend says something which you find upsetting, try laughing it off instead of giving him a hard time about it. I guarantee you will BOTH benefit.

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