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He is getting married next month, I want to tell him I still love him!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Forbidden love, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 18 July 2017)
A female Netherlands age 26-29, anonymous writes:


My ex will get married in one month from today - should I tell him I love him?

We met nine years ago while travelling and had a whirlwind long-distance romance / relationship. I've never experienced being pulled towards someone like that before or since (even though he wasn't my first love). I was 19, he 23. We're from different countries and never lived in the same one, I broke it off after a year and it kept going on-and-off for another five.

I was confused back then: felt less butterflies after a while (we barely saw each other in real life), wanted to experience things and get to know myself first, thought that it was important to have the same views on the world, etcetera.

He didn't care about any of that and was sure: this was it, we were meant to be. He kept visiting, showing up, telling me he loved me. I couldn't deal with it, kept being pulled towards him while he was here but wasn't ready to commit to a relationship. Three years ago, I cut off all contact because it was the best I could do. It was a time when I needed to take care of myself.

He went through a miserable time and heartbreak; I felt sadness and relief. Since then, we've occassionally exchanged messages in the past 3 years, cordial from my side, a bit more open from his. He'd tell me about dating, and about a year ago: about his current fiancee.

Facebook isn't loading my old messages so I can't copy paste, but what he's told me about her is: she pulled him out of this bad period, and 'saved' him. She feels like family. He has never felt butterflies for her, and it doesn't come close to what he felt for me. He loves her. He's completely honest with her and told her, quite a while ago by now, that he wouldn't know what he'd do if I were to show up on this doorstep.

In November, he told me in a FB message that he was going to propose to her in the summer. This thought crossed my mind: 'Good that I'll be in XXX (his home country) in April, so we'll see each other before that'. At the time, I didn't know I had any feelings left for him. I was happy for him.

This April, we met for dinner one evening while I was in town for a friends' wedding. It was the first time we saw each other in 3 years and it felt familiar, the same and different, we could still see each other, and we didn't really want to say goodbye. He'd gotten engaged a month before: sooner than I expected. I asked him why he was getting married, and he told me 'because it is expected of me'. He waited with me at the busstop, I took the last bus home.

And then. Then I couldn't stop crying. It took me a few days to realize that it was because of him - since I'd spent years trying to break up with him. And this simply couldn't be: he was getting married!

But when I flew back home a few days later, all I could think of was him. I cried every day for three weeks, and it became clear that this was some intense heartbreak. Since then, there have been better days and days where it all comes rushing over me again. Mostly, I feel heartbroken. It's been seven weeks since I saw him and there are still days when I can barely eat or breathe. Trust me: I really don't want to feel this way.

What I couldn't see then, I can see now: I love him as deeply as he loved(s?) me. I want to CHOOSE him, and be with him. We are different - but just being together makes us happy.

So that's the one thing I have going for me, the PRO: love. Tricky tricky love. Because who says it will work, especially after having seen him once in these past three years. Even my gut is a little unsure sometimes, and then -poof- it's as sure as it's ever been.

Then there's all the CONS:

-He's getting MARRIED. He and this other person will promise each other forever in one month from now.

-In his Facebook photos, he looks happier with her than he said he was.

-There is no way to do this without people getting hurt: him, her, their loved ones.

- His family will probably hate me.

- We'd have to work at it hard, if he would want to be with me: crossing different lives in different countries, healing past hurt and pain (work that I WANT to do, but still).

- And probably way more.

I go back and forth. When I let my thoughts go freely, I think of flying to him and telling him. But then I come back to: I am TOO LATE. I cannot do this to him.

This might be that moment in the movies, but we are not living in a movie, and this is terribly hard. And sad.

And: heartbreak heals. So this will heal too.

And then everything in me screams that I will carry this sadness forever, and I'm scared that we will meet years from now, and all these feelings will still be the same, but by then we will have had children with other people and we'll truly have missed our chance of being together.

So I am scared, and sad, and confused. And the clock is ticking. Any advice?

With love,


View related questions: different countries, engaged, facebook, fiance, heartbroken, period, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't tell him.

There were too many possibilities of him getting hurt.

He got married the day before yesterday.

The sadness still comes in waves.

It needs time.

Thank you for the kind advice.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (18 June 2017):

You think you're hurting now? Go tell him how you feel and see what difference it makes. Respect his fiance as you would want to be respected when you find the man you've been waiting for.

If you get to tell him how you feel in spite of the fact he is taken; well SHE has every right to give you a piece of her mind too!

Talk about having hurt feelings! She might give you a few memories you can take with you too!

Leave them alone!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question


Thank you all so much for your advice and opinions. I've heard you.

Still torn.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2017):

girl you should definitely tell him that u love him dont just sit around instead tell him about ur feeling to him no matter the consequence but dont be too much pushy on him tell him everything and him decide what he wanna do if still wanna go with his future bride let him if u tell him and he doesnt change his decision that will also be fine too u but maybe or could if he also feels for u so but u didnt whole ur life like going to be like shit i should have express my self that time so plz go and tell him

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (17 June 2017):

Intrigued3000 agony auntYes! Go ahead and tell him that you still love him. I think this apple cart needs to be disturbed so that the truth can be revealed: Will he choose to be with you or his fiancee? You seem to be convinced that he will choose you, but be prepared! He may surprise you with his answer. I think it is good to know the answer now than spend years thinking, "What if?". Better to know the truth now, so that you can either start building a life together with him, or move forward with your own life, satisfied with the knowledge that you opened up your heart and risked it all for love.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 June 2017):

N91 agony auntEdit: 'Want him to focus his attention on you again'

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 June 2017):

N91 agony auntI think the only reason you're having these feelings is because he's getting married and you feel like you're going to 'lose' him.

I don't think deep down you're in love with him due to the simple fact of having years to make something happen between you guys and you weren't interested in the slightest. Now you know he's soon to be fully off limits and you're interested again. I think you're jealous that someone else has him and you want him to focus his attention on him again.

Yes you shared a few years of happiness together, but that doesn't mean you're supposed to be together. Think of how many times people are close to getting together for one of them to decide they're simply not into that other person enough to give them their commitment. You have done that to him already. If you're not ready for a relationship you're simply not ready and if you're speaking to someone at that moment in your life and that person cannot make you change your mind about being in a relationship then that person IS NOT for you.

You need to leave this man alone, you're no good for him and probably clouding his mind with all kinds of thoughts which isn't fair at all. I have been in this guy's situation of being told they're not ready for commitment and it fucking sucks, so I know exactly how this guy feels, YOU cannot just decide to interfere now you know he's happy with someone else, I've also had this happen and it is really out of order.

You had your chance for years and decided you weren't interested and you said even 'relieved' to end things. Leave him alone and let him move on with his life, you do the same and find someone who is right for you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

I'm sorry, but he's marrying someone else. I don't think your feelings from before make any difference now.

Your story has all the makings of a love-story from a novel; but unfortunately, reality doesn't always have the sudden change of heart at the last-minute. Leaving a shocked bride at the alter; while he goes running off with you, as the credits roll!

Someone else has found him, and he has fallen in-love.

He didn't go out of his way to find or keep you! He's not as into you, as you might be into him.

Calm down, and come down out of the clouds. Lets grow-up and face reality. Pull it together. Don't let your mother or girlfriends see the hot-mess this is making of you.

Have some dignity, girlfriend!

Keep your feelings to yourself, so you won't have to be crushed by being told he doesn't feel the same. Nor her finding out you're trying to interfere; and having to tell you to go to an eternally-hot place and burn. Sorry, that was a little dramatic! I just wanted you to smile!

Let's not be a drama queen. You're not even 30 yet, and I believe you'll find someone to love. He hopefully will live in the same country; so distance won't give him opportunity to meet another woman in closer proximity, and of the same nationality or culture.

Destiny made it possible to meet him, but it is not designed that you be together. You're both meant for somebody else.

He has found his match, and all the events up to now lead him to her. Someone else is making his way to you.

Meanwhile; you should be healing, and growing-up.

Stop romanticizing your way through adulthood. That isn't healthy! You want to show you have a firm grasp on reality, when that special-guy comes your way. Now is the time for self-improvement, re-establishing your independence, getting your finances and career in order; and then you'll be prepped and ready for your mate.

Just another dose of reality. It sometimes takes a longer time than we want, before finding that special true-love.

That's because destiny may have other important events set to take place first. In most cases, it will improve your chances of meeting the right person at the right time in your life. Have faith.

Let the clock tick. Love doesn't happen on demand, and you can't set it on a dead-line. It happens when it happens!

Unless you rush things, like so many women, and end-up divorced. Alone, and back to square one. A divorced-single-mother; sorry she ever met the bastard!

Life is not set on a time-clock. Events happen in your life randomly; and sometimes according to plan. Be flexible and be prepared for either-way. I'm wise, I know this through personal-experience.

I'd give you a big hug; and a glass of my boyfriend's most expensive wine; but I can't. So accept this instead!

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