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14 months into the relationship, things aren't looking good, he is criticizing and we are arguing. What would you do?

Tagged as: Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Help!!!

I am sorry if this is a long post but I need some advice.

where to start? ok, so about 14 months ago I met the man of my dreams. He is loving, caring and we have so much in common (or so I thought) we started off slow and then got into a very intimate relationship... regular dates, gifts to one another, good morning texts, goodnight texts and all the romantic nonsense that comes with a new relationship. life was good.This was only 14 months or so again. We have just passed our first year as you can see and I'm starting to think otherwise about this relationship.

I moved from my home town into his hometown retaining my independence, for me and my kids. (I have 2 from my last relationship that lasted 13 years) the kids are both getting to the age now where they will be looking to be moving out in the next two or three years.

so bringing it to about 7 months into our relationship things had started to change, for me one change happened, due to an accident at work which has left me disabled I had to quit my job and sign onto state benefits, I don't enjoy this,infact I am depressed and disappointed that my life has come to a standstill.

this is where the real colors are displayed. My boyfriend started criticizing me telling me that he is let down by the fact that I think its ok to sit on state benefits! we argued about this and he reduced me into this crying mess.

Sure enough he was apologetic. After this things became more irritating for me, with my boyfriend having made a new female friend who he would not stop texting, calling and mentioning... I had to talk to him about it, his reaction to this was explosive and he was flinging one liners at me like "right so I wont have any friends" this was not the compromise I was working to reach. he stormed off and the next day he was apologetic again.

bring it forward a bit more (like maybe a fortnight) he told me that we spend too much time together and that he needs more time to himself, at first I was resilient and wanted time together, we argued that day and he told me I was suffocating him ( we spent only weekends together) so it came round to it that I would agree to give him his space ( and right now, I am preferring space, so I always offer him more time than he needs) I have found the joy again in going to bed alone, been content to read in the bath, go for walks and shopping on my own. That's a bad thing right? its like I don't want him here and I feel it mostly because of the criticism and the arguments and the non sense this relationship entails.

so this has started getting tricky now, he has started pressuring me to move in with him, start a new family, but at my house he wont even allow me to have a dog (How does that work?) I am my own person, I should be able to do what I want but I am too scared. he said to me "I dare you to get a dog and see what happens!!

we argued just a few days ago and this time it was because he thought I was getting fat (is a size 12 - 14 fat?i don't think so) he said he didn't want a fat girlfriend but he still loves me, he just thinks I'm fat. he criticizes me for eating chocolate and for eating things like cheese or drinking soda

on another note I made him dinner one night and he actually said to me "Where is my dinner I have been waiting an hour. I am seriously hungry" Wtf?!

I honestly have no idea what to do, this relationship is still so young and we are arguing like me and my husband of thirteen years did.

I just need some good solid advice.

things are so bad , I am attending therapy on my doctors orders, my blood pressure has been up and down and she thinks a lot of that is to do with stress.

someone help, I need opinions, what would u guys/ gals do in this situation?

many thanks and any feedback is good feedback be it negative or positive.

thanks everyone

View related questions: at work, depressed, disabled, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat would I do? I would leave him. How dare he speak to you like that. If you want to get a dog in your own house then that is up to you. My partner would never dream off telling me what to do. If you where over weight then maybe him being concerned wouldn't be a bad thing, but at a size 12 no I doubt your weight is an issue and he sounds very controlling. If you cannot work then he should not make you feel bad. Honestly I can only see this getting worse if you decide to move him with him. I couldn't live with someone who spoke to me like that anyway.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (18 June 2017):

MissKin agony auntYou said yourself you are enjoying going to bed alone, you are enjoying your space, you are your own person and you don't want the criticism.

Being in a loving, healthy relationship is about making each other feel good and inspiring each other to be the best you can be (NOT telling you you're fat or to stop eating chocolate, but enjoying a healthy lifestyle together with treats included).

You obviously sense that this isn't right. Why are you holding onto this relationship? Let it go. Get a dog, eat chocolate, be happy. Surround yourself with people who know how much you're worth.

Do not move in with him. Do not forgive him for his outbursts.

Are you afraid of what will happen if you break up with him? Get support from friends and family, reach out to whatever support networks you can find, but please don't stay in this cycle of emotional abuse because eventually you'll start to believe it.

14 months ago you met someone who SEEMED like the man of your dreams. But in your dreams did you imagine him calling you fat and telling you you can't do what you want ro? Sometimes we get so caught up in who we thought someone was that we cannot see who they actually are, even when they show us.

You deserve to be treated better and he has shown his true colours now. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone who argues with you like you've been married for years and years. What will be like when it has actually been that long?

I hope you manage to do what's best for you and don't put up with any crap from him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2017):

This seems like a really hard situation. I can understand your side of it for sure. You love him, but what he's been doing lately is frankly unacceptable. He criticizes you for what you eat; that's not fair to you at all. What you want to eat is your business, not his. You shouldn't need to change yourself to make him happy. It's his problem.

Honestly, you seem like a quite nice person and if he's affecting your health like this, you should try and move on. Believe me, I know how difficult this is, having divorced once and also just broken up with someone I've been dating for four years. But I'm so much happier now than I've ever been and enjoying single life.

You can do it. Good luck. Do what you think is right.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntEnd it now. You already know this is JUST the beginning of his rotten behavior, treatment of you and general attitude.

Do it for YOU AND your kids. BE glad you haven't moved in with him yet! That makes it easier for you to either MOVE away from the area (be closer to YOUR family and support net) or to just END it with him.

He is abusive and you know it.

And he IS looking for YOUR replacement while keeping you around to bully and take care of him. That should be a TOTAL no-go!

It's not that he has CHANGED it's that he HID that side of him until you MOVED closer to him and were more isolated from YOUR family. that way he thought it would be harder for you to leave or move away. Nor is your fault he is showing his "true" self. It wasn't because of your accident but THAT just made it easier for him. After all with you not doing well physically maybe he believes you are more "desperate" to keep a man and thus will put up with more CRAP than the average woman.

END IT. For you AND for your kids.

Take some time to be single. To get yourself to a "good place". Men like this guy LOOK for vulnerable women and he found one in you.

WANT more for yourself and don't accept bad behavior just because he "apologizes" afterward.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

I think the fact that this relationship is so bad at such an early stage is a very good reason to cut ties NOW and walk away. If you had invested years in the relationship, had children together, supported each other through good times and bad, and were suddenly arguing like this, then the relationship MAY be worth fighting for. HOWEVER, if he is already treating you this badly after such a short time, I can promise you it will only get worse.

You have already discovered the joys of being away from him. Embrace the peace you feel when you are on your own and give him all the space he wants and more. Take back control and dump his pathetic backside.

You know you are worth so much more than this.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Dump him!!! He is overly-critical and you're arguing early on in a new relationship. That's incompatibility. He's showing his true colors.

You've recognized it, because it reminds you of you and your ex-husband when your marriage came apart.

Now it's adversely affecting your health.

Simply put; kick him to the curb. Go forward and don't look back.

Obviously he's a nightmare, and not the man of your dreams as you thought!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017):

High blood pressure is really bad for you. Your health should be your no1 priority. I have had a nervous breakdown due to stress and caused me blood pressure problems it took me years to sort it out. The best thing for you would be to get a dog and go out for some relaxing walks. Look after yourself. You cannot afford to be around someone who is making you feel bad.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

mystiquek agony auntIf my partner was making my blood pressure go up, stressing me out and making me cry, I'd walk away. I certainly wouldn't move in with him. Sometimes we think we know someone and they seem wonderful, but over time, you get to see their true colors. They can only hide so long how they really are and it appears that this is what has happened. You are now seeing this man for how he truly is and what you could expect if you stayed in a relationship with him.

Do yourself a favor and end things. You deserve far better sweets.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Denizen agony auntI think this pairing has run its course. It seemed great at the start but now... You did well to keep independent. It will make things easier for you on the break.

But now, the world is your oyster. You are about to be free from the tyranny of children and you can travel, take up new hobbies, rescue a Staffie'. Things could be so much worse for you. Good luck

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