| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid. Im 35 years old with no kids and never been married. Just met a guy i love so much, i went into his facebook account just to find out about before i can be serious about our relationship. To my suprise he has 4 kids with different woman and it seem the other two kids their not in good terms with them amd. He is so much in love with the other kids more than the otjer 3 kids from different woman. Im so dissapointed in him because i never thought he had this kind of life and the worst im so much in love with him. How do i ask him about this, and how do i continue to love someone who has so many kids. My age is against me cause i wish to meet someone and get married soon but now im so torn apart. How do i deal with this?
View related questions:
facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Thank you very much people. You have opened my eyes and i honestly needed this and now i will look after myself and make an informed decision cause really he is not worthy my time and energy until God blesses me with the right man. Love you all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): I understand that you are lonely but this is almost (already) a co-dependency issue. I think you are getting confused with someone who pays you money / rent and seems to 'care' about you with being objective about whether this person is someone that is right for you. The stability he is offering to you is only in place because you have created it. It is easy for him to see you as good for him because you are offering HIM stability and he thinks that suits him thank you - especially with all the bills he must be paying for 4 children. You are lonely and an easy target for this kind of thing to happen. Your self esteem is low so you are preparing the ground to accept second best here. Remember something. You cannot change a man. He has shown you (via facebook admittedly) who he is. Let him tell you himself - ok. BUT THEN you need to tell him who you are and what you are about and stick to it. Now is not a time to change everything in your life to prop up a man like him. Strong women make better decisions. Define yourself before you speak to him then, and only then, ask yourself honestly whether he matches up to your desires - no compromises.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): What to do now? You know what to do. Forget about him! He lied to you about having kids, what else do you need to know?? Why would you want a man with all these complications? If you are in a country with a high hiv rate such as south africa, then you also have the extra worry that this man could quite possibly be engaging in risky sexual behaviour. Dont ruin your life, this kind of man will never have much money or any kind of stability. Follow the good advice which people have posted here, you are wasting everyones time if you dont at least do that for yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 January 2015):
 The LAST thing you need (given what you added about your fiance's suicide) is a man with THIS much baggage and drama. Have you sought out some grief counseling? Talked to someone about your fiance's death?
Suicides are still somewhat of a taboo subject to many and for those LEFT BEHIND (such as you) talking to family and friends MAY not be an option because of the anger that MANY feel towards the person committing suicide.
YOU NEED to process the grief. And I HOPE instead of using your energy to "fix" this guys life (which you can't and shouldn't - it's HIS to fix) YOU need to TAKE the time to HELP yourself. I know it seems EASIER to try and "fix" things for this guy instead of yourself.
NEVER EVER be with someone because you are scared to be alone. Or you will end up with the bottom of the barrel kind of guy. Not saying that he isn't a lovely man, BUT really WHAT potential does he have now?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2015):
 everything we have said and you post twice saying you still need help making the choice... did you make those lists?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 January 2015):
 I think you have sufficient information to make an informed choice. Either:
1. You are willing to become his FIFTH victim, in a life which may - subsequently - include victims six, seven, eight, and more..... OR,
2. You would prefer to have a life with an HONORABLE man... and you've learned that this character is NOT he!!!
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): With the kids issue, there was a comment from the other friend asking him where is the mum for this as his status was 'i miss u' with the picture of that kid. So when he answer he said im not in good terms with her mother and she refused to let me see her so i miss her and its been 2 yrs since i saw her and the other kid he is no longer into her mother but at least she lets her to come and visit on christmas. He is so much in love with the last one as the status says i love my daughetr and she is my life and i just wonder why he says that to the last one and not all. I just want you guys to help me and get his mind right so that when i attack him i will be civil and will know how to deal with him cause really i like him and i dont wanna risk anything because of what i feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): To be honest to everyone because i need help. My fiance past on 2 yrs ago through suicide, so i moved out of our house cause i couldnt cope staying there so i rented it to this guy. He is so neat and takes care of my house as if its his. He was suppose toput the money into my bank account so told me that he cant cause its always busy at the bank so prefair to bring it to me. He sstarted to stay in my house in 2013 november. Since then he will come to drop the money and ask me questions about how im doing and like do i have kids and when i said no, he said he doesnt have too. Everytime qhen he come he calls just to make sure that im there just to talk and if im not he wont live the money with anyone even though i isnist he should. So i was saying i have developed feelings for hin and their very strong cause i tried to fight them and the more i do i just become miserable its like there is something about him. So im scared to say anuthing so i went into his facebook account to find out about him cause end of this he told me that he wants us to meetand talk about us cause he has feelings for me so thats why i need help from you guys cause we havent slept together or anything so i want to prepare myself of questions that im gonna ask and prepare if i should pesuade this relationship cause i have been lonely for almost now 2 years and im scared that i might end up alone as im older and chances of getting kids at my age would be riskier.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2015):
Anyone who has children should disclose that to dates.
IF you have spent enough time with him to fall in love with him (as you say) then you should not need to "stalk him" on facebook, you should already have known of the kids and the baby mommas.
He keeps things from you... perhaps he keeps from you that he's currently incubating an new baby with some other woman???
You allege you are in love with him... are you in love with THIS man or the POTENTIAL of a man?
are you in love with this man or the idea of being with someone (anyone)
I think you have built love around what you want and hope for and NOT this man.
do me a favor... make some lists.
list one... all the things you WANT/NEED from a PERFECT partner. NOT THIS MAN but your IDEAL man. Set it aside.
now take a fresh sheet of paper
draw a line down the center
on the left write PROS and on the right write CONS
now under pros list ALL the things about this guy that you love...
under cons list all the things that are an issue... I can start you off with that:
irresponsible
uncaring (of his children)
selfish (if he impregnates women and then abandons and denies his children he is selfish)
add other things
so for pros you can say "is good in bed" that's fine.. but "is good in bed" going to support you? pay your bills?
be your partner? or "is good in bed" going to get you more baby momma drama if he can't keep it in his pants.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 January 2015):
Hi OP,
Take my advice very seriously...My father has 9 kids (including myself) with nine different women. He is in his late sixties, and still chasing women. Don't even try with this one.
What makes you in such a rush to have kids? My grandmother had a saying that is true "A hurry bird never builds a good nest. They always make mistakes." Rushing into a relationship is ground to make mistakes and get hurt. Take your time and do it right so you won't have any regrets.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): We frequently receive posts from OP's like yourself who express being "in-love" with men they barely know; and there is no explanation where these deep feelings come from. I would assess they use the word "love" to mean they've become attached, and feel very fond of a guy. They use the word "love" to advise us, giving him up is not an option. They don't intend to let him go. Love is the excuse for a bad choice; before going into a long explanation of why they came to this site to ask for advice.
First of all, when you first met this guy, he must have been extremely charming. He is well-rehearsed in talking to women; and knows exactly what to say, and how to woo them. Thus four children with different mothers. He is a player. He would have revealed the fact he had kids first-off; if he was on the up and up.
You're not in-love, you are simply charmed and lonely, my dear. You are caught-up in a player's skillful spell of seduction.
There is a surface question, but the hidden question behind your question is; how to keep someone you know is wrong for you?
Are you presuming there must be someway to make it work?
You can only make something work that is put together right in the first place. You can only fix what is fixable. You can't turn a career-player into a Prince Charming and loving boyfriend or husband by showering him with love and affection. That only works in the movies and fairy-tales.
You are inviting the mess he made of his life into yours.
You don't need, nor deserve the grief it will bring.
Oh, I've heard the testimonials that people make that someone has changed. He comes with heavy baggage. Unless you're a drama-hungry drama-queen with an appetite for baby-mama drama. You'd be getting it four-ways! From every direction. He may even be looking for a successful "sugar-mama;" he can milk and schmooze for money to pay his back child-support. Let me guess, you're well-educated, have a good job, drive a nice vehicle. You've traveled, and you look good? Prime target!!! The other type of target is a woman not well-educated, scraping to get by, sensitive about her age, insecure, and has had a series of failed relationships over her adult-life. Willing to give a guy a warm bed, cook, clean, and slave to make him happy. Make him feel like a king, while she behaves like a servant.
So which type are you? This is a rhetorical question, you don't really have to answer.
If you came to DC, you already knew the answer to your question before you asked. You are fighting that little voice in your head that is asking you if you've lost your mind? Oh, you'll get a family alright. You'll fall in-line with rest of his victims. He's not husband-material. At best, he's a risky sperm-donor.
You now know that man is a player, and not only that; he's a horrible father and a deadbeat.
He turned on the charm to seeking a woman who would take him as he is. Only to later reveal the wolf beneath the sheep's skin that he really is. That is, once he gets you hooked. Remove the word love, because it doesn't apply. You're simply attached through loneliness. Lust, perhaps? Players are really hot lovers. Sexy and quite alluring. He obviously has a lot of practice in seducing women. He doesn't bother using condoms; so he could be a walking petri dish of sexually-transmitted diseases. Do you think he has ever been tested for HIV? Most players don't get tested; and go from partner, to partner, to partner.
Your desperation is lying to you. It's disguising itself to feel like love.
It will not work! Your relationship will be pelted by angry women coming after him, and everyone (including his kids) hating you! If you have a child with him, you may has well draw a target on that kid's back. Trouble will find him or her.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you need a wake-up call, my dear lady. Here it is!!! I see a train wreck about to happen. I'm not going to standby without speaking frankly, and offering you fair warning. You're no fool. You've already figured it out, but the stubborn side of you wants him so badly. He's probably very handsome. Manly. Suave. Sensual.
Courtship is a period people meet and evaluate each other for desirable traits and attributes that will lead to a good match. The problem is, people are so much in a hurry to make a match, and slap on the label "girlfriend" or "boyfriend;" that they by-pass the evaluation-process
altogether. You can't take people on face-value alone; because they "seem nice." Easy-attachment is a sign of desperation and overwhelming loneliness. It renders even the most level-headed person foolish and reckless.
Four women were foolish, and their children are suffering from their poor choices. You have a red-flag blaring in your face. Trust yourself, you know in your gut this isn't a risk worth taking.
Feel free to discuss it with him. He'll have a ready-made excuse; but any relationship you form with him will be riddled with the drama from four abandoned and estranged families.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 January 2015):
"how do i continue to love someone who has so many kids"
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker our not. Nobody is perfect, but this is something that is difficult for you because it is a big deal. It says a lot about this guy, and none of it good.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): I am confused by some of what you say, the 4 kids are from how many women? It is always a good idea to google/facebook a potential partners name, in this day and age it is too easy for people to hide part of their history which they dont want others to know about. I would not go out with anyone in his situation, you just met so no you dont love him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): I don't understand how you can love this guy so much then say you went on Facebook to find out about him BEFORE getting too serious. You either love him for who he is and know who he is or you don't. Four children by different women would be a deal breaker for me. I don't have kids yet and I wouldn't want to be woman number 5 or whatever it is. Given a choice which you clearly have is this really what you want. There are plenty of men out there who are not in his situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (20 January 2015):
 Did you meet this guy online? Chatting via Facebook? Or have you met in person and dating in real life? How do you know that his kids don't get along and he prefers one to the other? Did he talk/tell you about it or are you getting this from his Facebook posts?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 January 2015):
Yikes.
Getting married to this guy may not be the best or brightest idea EVER, he has 4 KIDS that he SHOULD pay child support/child Maintenance for. You didn't post your country, but I can tell you this, UNLESS you can afford to carry the bigger load with this guy, you will ALWAYS come second emotionally, financially and IF you two DO have a child... YOUR kid will not be able to get/do the things YOU might want for your kids because his MONEY should GO to his OTHER KIDS.
I find it RATHER iffy that he never told you while dating. YOU only know because you SNOOPED in his PERSONAL Facebook account (that is not a decent thing to do, by the way).
You say you JUST met him, so the whole - I love him so much... may come back to bite you. As you DO NOT know him that well. WHAT kind of guy HIDES having 4 kids?
My husband had 3 before we met (2 different moms) and he told me about them on the SECOND date, I met the kids AND one of the exes BEFORE I married him. The kids are part of this MAN. You can't just think they are some "stray puppies" he happened to have at some point in time.
I would SERIOUSLY take some time to consider if this guy is WHO he has been "selling" to you as a good guy. Sorry, a GOOD guy isn't ashamed of his kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 January 2015):
SO he left those women and does he even support those other kids? And you had to find out about it on his facebook account? Not sure that this is the guy you want to spend your life with.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 January 2015):
He is probably embarrassed because he was so irresponsible in his youth and afraid to lose you.
What can you do? Just ask him about them, and then take it a step at a time, I don't see how you can make a decision either way until there's a conversation about it.
Oh, and condoms? USE THEM!
...............................
|
