A
female
age
51-59,
*cotlass65
writes:My boyfriend is very close friends with his ex, he says she has been very good to him when he had problems, although she has since married, then divorced with a kid she is trying to make things work with her husband and is visiting him in the states, my boyfriend said she is very special to him and when we have had fall outs, he has thrown in how much better she is in bed etc etc, maybe just to hurt me, anyway he has since asked me to move in with him which I have and recently proposed to me. I still couldn't shake off the feeling with his ex, which he doesn't class her as an ex but his best friend. I decided to look through his wassap on his phone which he keeps contact with her, I was quite shocked when he lied how we met, whe said he met me shopping in my home town, which we actually met on a dating site. He also told her about our first night together then she proceeded to ask, is she better in bed than me, my boyfriend is 29 I am 48. Anyway he told her one day he was only with me for sex and just to pass the time and it wasnt amazing but just enough, he also told her he didn't want to move into my flat, which I've since then lost, but he told me he would move in. Also in the message they were sexy chatting talking about sex, then he said they had a lot more than just sex it was making love, then he quoted the James blunt song, I really want you, when after reading all this it's left me so jealous and angry. So when I confronted him that I checked his phone he was raging, he then said I wouldn't have got hurt if I didn't look. I also asked him why he hasn't updated her to tell her we were getting married and that he asked me to move in, also he had been telling her our fall outs and saying I'm too much drama etc etc, she also said are you still with that old woman, I was freaking raging I sent her a very blunt message on facebook, but she obviously doesn't use facebook much as my message hasn't still been read. I also told my boyfriend to update her what's happening and I personally want to see him send the message. Am I being unreasonable? I get the feeling it's him clinging on to the hope she will take him back but she seems to be trying to move on but I'm still confused about it all. In general I don't have a problem with boyfriends being friends with exes but he gave me the ammo which made me go on the snoop
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best friend, divorce, facebook, his ex, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Scotlass65 +, writes (10 August 2013):
Scotlass65 is verified as being by the original poster of the question We've been together a year
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 August 2013):
 If he really loved and cared for you there is no way that he would be chatting up an ex and talking shit about you.
It seems like you are forcing the relationship, giving ultimatums and not seeing his behaviour for what it is. He's being covert and going behind your back because he very obviously still loves the other woman and I agree that you were forced to snoop...you needed to know what was going on and now it's out in the open that he has another agenda.
So what are you going to do?
I also find it strange that he's asked you to marry him and yet he is doing this to you?...You watching while he send her a message telling her the truth, will not change anything...he will still find a way to go behind your back.
Are you really prepared to continue with this? Personally I'd be out the door!
How long have you been with him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013):
I'm sorry but I'm going to be very blunt ' your a fool' !!
You have read all these negative things about you, your old, it's just sex and not even that great but enough, he won't move in with you. . Your just so much drama etc etc and still you think he's a catch??
Seriously??
He will not update her on his situation with you... As being honest he doesn't see you as long term.. Your 19 years older than him and he's saying these things at the minute.. What do you think he will say in 5 years from now? Hmm the mind does boggle....
Back off .. Do not move in with him ... Keep your own home as where will you go if he decides its over?
Go out with friends or family .. Take up a new hobby. But like anyone who is addicted . . ( addiction takes many forms) I think we are talking to a brick wall. As though you have read these messages and you know how he thinks etc, you still cannot let go ..
You will need to ween yourself off him. If you don't you will only find yourself more hurt as he is not happy with what he has... That isn't your fault sweetie, but it is time to move on and find someone who truly loves just you.
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A
female
reader, Scotlass65 +, writes (9 August 2013):
Scotlass65 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhenever I bring the subject up he won't give me any explanation and thinks I'm too much drama, he then proceeds to sleep on the sofa, I told him all I want is honesty, I even told him that I thought he still held a torch for her, I try so hard to communicate its doing my head in because I really love him and our sex life is brilliant but I know it's just not about sex, but he's so damn good I feel I can't let go, I do have jealous feelings thinking what he's doing to me he's done to her and all the dirty talk but there's just something about him I can't let go
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 August 2013):
 It seems to me that it's you clinging to the hope that your toad will turn into a prince, or at least a decent human being.
Your fiance is a man of poor quality so he, naturally, attracts friends of poor quality as well. He's given you plenty of reasons not to trust him.
At 48 years of age you are more than old enough to make intelligent choices for yourself and definitely far too old to be sending angry messages to other women on Facebook.
I understand you have an emotional investment here and it's painful, but at some point you have take inventory of your life and cut your losses before they become even bigger.
Your fiance is not such a wonderful guy that he can't easily be replaced. Why not enjoy some time on your own?
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (9 August 2013):
I think you need to look at the proof you have read and your conversation with him. I don't have a problem with the age difference. If you love someone that is all that matters. I would question if he truly loves me. I, like you, don't have a problem with my partner being friends with his ex.
You need to seriously need to look out for you, your well being. If I was in that situation I would be gone. I wouldn't want to have to worry about my partners actions with an ex.
You have to respect yourself. He may not be the one for you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, malvern + ♥, writes (9 August 2013):
 Like so many men, he can't quite let go of the ex and understandably it's very hurtful (I'm sure there's a song in the charts about it actually). I think you're right when you say she wants to move on. He's keeping the door open in case she changes her mind but I don't think she's a real threat to you otherwise she'd be with him now. I think she's just enjoying the control and the flirtation if you can call it that. The worry is how much your boyfriend really wants to be with you because it seems that he's treating you as second choice at the moment. If he can't treat you properly then you are best not rushing into any sort of commitment with him. It may even give him a jolt if you had a separation for a while because it may make him realise that without you he will have nothing other than a few texts to a woman (the ex) who basically doesn't want him.
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A
female
reader, StephJayne +, writes (9 August 2013):
 I have been through something similar. Although I am only 19.My ex was messaging this girl and kept referring to this girl whenever we were with his friends. Just saying that he had been talking to her. So when we were alone, I asked him who this 'girl' was. He said it was his ex, and straight away I felt sick. Until he said 'She's like my ex ex ex ex ex, we don't class each other as an ex really, we're really good friends. We talk to each other about anything'After he said that, I understood and felt fine. Although I never met her. One night while we were asleep, he got a message on his phone. It woke me up and we both had the same phone, so through habbit, I unlocked the phone and checked the message.It was from her, and they hadn't just been talking as friends, but they had been flirting, meeting up and everything.Obviously you feel distraught. I tried to talk to him about it but whenever I did he just turned around and denied it, said I'd got the wrong end of the stick, etc etc.I got so annoyed about it, that with everything else he was doing and his friends telling me he'd cheated on me, which I know he wasn't joking. I simply ended the relationship.Anyway, I rambled on for abit there,My advise to you, would be to talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that you're fine with him being friends with his ex but feel that he's abit too friendly with her. You need to get your feelings across, he needs to know how you feel. I feel that any relationship needs communication.
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