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Should I try harder to make up for his lack of effort?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 17 April 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But for the past year now, I feel like he's been neglecting me. He's a hard-working man and I love that about him. But he doesn't make time for us. And for the past few months, he's been spending more time with his friends than he does with me.

He would go to cool restaurants, car meets and even went to the new casino without even asking if I wanted to go with. He doesn't even tell me about them. He would just say that we went out... To be fair he did ask me if I wanted to go to the casino but I said no because his friends were going to be there and I wanted to spend time with him because it been two weeks since we spent time together. But with the other things he didn't even text me to tell me he went out. And I would be home worried that something happened because he didn't call or message me.

I don't mind him hanging out with his friends. Under different circumstances, I would encourage him to do so. And I don't mind hanging with his friends either. I just want to spend more time with him. A movie once to twice a month. A dinner date. Literally anything other than watching movies in my bed or his bed as he falls asleep in my lap. (even though I love when he does that)

I trust him enough to know that he's not cheating but if I had a girlfriend to confide in she would probably make me believe that he is. I feel like he's bored with me. Maybe if we lived together things would be different but I don't want to freeload. I would rather us have our own place. And I'm working on building my career so I can finally have some income.

I might be going to California for 6 weeks this summer and I don't want to leave with things like this. It might get pushed further away from him and I'm scared of that. I haven't been single since high school and from what I've heard the dating scene is terrible right now.

But I don't exactly know how to tell him my feelings. I want to tell him face to face instead of through text like I've been doing for completely unrelated reasons. But we never have time to just talk face to face. I'm scared to break things off because I don't want to waist those 5 years. I think I would be more upset with myself for not trying hard enough. But maybe this is a sign that we should go our separate ways???

What can I do to make him put more effort into our relationship? But I don't want to force him if he doesn't want to...

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A male reader, UncleTom United States +, writes (17 April 2018):

UncleTom agony auntI understand that you do not want to waste the 5 years you have been together, but later you will see that it was practice in finding the right partner for you.

A lot of people concentrate on what they want in a partner, but you will see that as you experience life, you will see that it is more important of what you do not want in a relationship.

I agree with the first person who answered, in that you can not stay in a relationship simply to not be single. When parents stay married just because they have children, most times it is the children that get hurt. You will only find disappointment from this course of action.

That old saying of letting someone go and if they truly love you they will come back is true. If you are going to end the relationship do it face to face, no matter how hard or hurtful it may be.

On a separate note, if you have not thought about this yet, take a break, be strong and concentrate on your career, concentrate on you. When we least expect it, the right one will come along.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (16 April 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntLooking at your relationship from the outside, it seems that you are getting everything you are asking for. You want separate houses, You want to spend half the summer away, you want time to work on your career, in short you want distance. So he is planning more events with friends. he is avoiding close alone time with you that could lead to more emotional bonding. This is because you are giving him clear signals to do this.

The trouble is now that you are getting wht you wanted you want something else. It's going to take some time for him to catch up to your flim flam.

Fear of being single is not a good reason to carry on a relationship. The best way to send a clear message is face to face. A good way to set that alone time up is to ask him on a date. Todays men need clear messages from their romantic partners. it the US legal climate we always opt for the safest interpretation. if you send mixed messages then he is going to remain distant. If you show him that you want to date, by dating him, and by telling him. Then he will decide to be closer.

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