A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months and there is something that is starting to get me down. I'd like to know if I'm right to be a bit upset about it.We met each other on a dating site, we get on quite well and we are both very open people. I don't mind him talking about other people he's met or dated in the past but a few weeks ago he said something that hurts.He got out his laptop and showed me other women who were interested in him, made me a bit uncomfortable because it sounded like he was bragging or trying to impress me with the standard of women who like him.He ended up showing me one woman who I'll admit was pretty but he ended up saying ''and this one my mate keeps telling me to meet. When I told him I started seeing you he kept trying to persuade me to meet her instead because he thinks she's nicer than you''.He's making out like he said that to make me feel good, as if to say well look how nice all these women are but I'm choosing you. I can kind of see it that way so should I be flattered or am I right to be quite hurt about it? I now don't want to really be around his friend either because I know he was trying to put him off me. Or that his mates think he can do better.We also went out one evening and he told me some guy said that I don't look like his type and he should be with a woman like that....and then he pointed over to the woman he was on about.I'm quite low maintenance, I don't wear false nails, eyelashes or lots of makeup. I don't get spray tans, not that I think they are bad but that the women he keeps pointing out do wear all that. Should I just be flattered that he picked me over these gorgeous women or would you be hurt too Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015): There is one way that you might realise what an absolute dirt bag you are with and that is to imagine yourself doing the same thing to a boyfriend. Imagine an ex, one that you know liked you a lot and then imagine saying these things to him, showing him photos of other men and talking to him about how your friend thinks you should go out with one of these other men because they're better than your boyfriend. If you imagine it and you are appalled at how awful that would be to treat someone, then congratulations, you're reading the same post we are!
It's so difficult to see how someone is treating us when we're in the situation because we don't want the bad behaviour to be true, so we rationalise it and make excuses for it. Your boyfriend is doing this on purpose to make you feel like crap and cling to him more. He is abusive. Please read the most enlightening book on the subject of abusive behaviour there is. It's called 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. All of your boyfriend's behaviour is in it's pages and you won't be able to wait to dump him when you realise that this is all calculated on his part. All done on purpose. So sorry to tell you this, but you will be much stronger after reading it and it will empower you against other men like him in the future.
Honestly, read it and you will understand all that you are pondering now. Good luck! x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): Ummm...Ok,sorry, Op (coz I actually don't want to make you any more insecure or paranoid), but here is my drill:the gal my fella cheated on me with was actually introduced to him by a friend of his (I don't know this friend very well, they were not that close as far as I knew but friends), who thought for some reason that I " was not the girl for him", "not nice to him" or whatever. In the years we were together I met this fella only twice!!So I have no idea how he got all of that from those two gatherings... His other friends (as far as I know) never said anything of the sort.The funny thing is: he alerted me to it as well. As in :"Oh,my friend came over to me and told me this girl really wants to f*** me. So desperate that it is funny,no?"I brushed it off and was a bit irritated coz he was going on about it like it was something amazing, whereas my reaction was more in the lines of "great,do you wanna a badge for what you should be doing anyway?" (i.e. not flirting/sleeping with other women)Couple of months later... Well, you can guess what happened.I'm not saying he will do the same, I'm just sharing this experience with you.I think it might be relevant in that my ex had a very low self-esteem (I think) and this actually stroked his ego so much he could not resist it in the end.Another aspect-I do think also he might have told me in the hopes that I'd throw a fit, he would call me "unreasonable" and use it as a justification to end what we had,i.e. make me uncomfortable and turn it into a big fight.And then turn the fight into a break up.I don't know if you recognise the pattern.I hope you don't. I think he was weak and could not even break up with me without an action to push him to do it.IF HE makes you feel BAD, it's time to leave anyway. He should be trying to make you HAPPY, not insecure.What I'm trying to say is: IF he thinks he can find somebody better than you-let him try! Wave goodbye from your front porch and look for less insecure men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): I think these conversations were made up in an effort to make you feel insecure. Do you honestly believe some random guy walked up to him and told him you weren't his type? Come on. Why would a stranger care who he dates? And his friend telling him to meet the other online woman who is "nicer" than you? How would he know she's nicer when he hasn't even met her?
Even if I'm wrong and he didn't make it up, he isn't doing you a favor by telling you about it. What good can possibly come out of you knowing his friend thinks he can do better? I say let him date these fake beauties, and find someone who appreciates you for who you are, and doesn't feel the need to think about all the "better" women he could have had.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 June 2015):
 He is BLUFFING you. This is about his insecurity, rock-bottom self esteem, and his desperation to try to leverage the power in your relationship.
Guys who really CAN have any girl they want have no need to constantly over-talk that fact to the woman they are with. In fact, he sounds so pathetic that he's trying to convince HIMSELF that he's this big huge catch. I doubt his mate is *that* invested in his trying to make sure you know that he's supposedly passed up all of these godlike Amazon beauties who are jockeying for position to be with him.
Call his bluff.
If he pulls this on you, tell him "Then go for her, but if you want to be with me, you will not bring a single solitary other woman into our relationship. Not as a comparison. Not as a brag. Not nothing. I want to be with you of my own volition, but I will not be coerced to stay with you through emotional blackmail."
Then if he continues, walk away. A relationship that adds all of that pressure is no true healthy relationship.
Another reason he could be doing it is for his ego, which as I said before is rock-bottom. He wants the "I want her to get jealous and fight for me" thing because it gives him attention and strokes that awful self-image he has. You can't reward that...he has to learn how to be a catch without trying to keep you off-balance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): I would bet no friend has said these things. This is behaviour of someone who is controlling and nasty. He will wear you down, make you feel lucky to have him and no one else will want you. Get out now while you can. He sounds like a total prick.
He can go and have those other women, you're better off single than with a manipulative, rude and insensitive man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Dont worry. He wont be dating anyone better, he cant, thats why he uses dating sites.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (23 June 2015):
 I'd be neither flattered nor hurt. I'd be WARY, very wary of a man who told me about all the beautiful women who want him and how I was a lucky gal because he picked me.
This is basic courtesy and common sense, OP. He wouldn't appreciate you saying such a thing to him. Do yourself a favour and don't try to spin doctor this. He did the wrong thing.
This is a red flag.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2015):
 HE was bragging. Trying to make SURE you knew you got a "great deal", but at the same time letting you know... that YOU are replaceable at the drop of a hat.
He is rude. WHO cares what other girls he COULD have dated? SO what?
And who CARES that he friend thought he should date someone "prettier"? His friend hasn't even met you and is putting you down. And HE is telling you this? RUDE. Again, to me that seems like he WANTS you to feel a little insecure, he wants you to feel that you won the lottery and that HE is some kind of great prize. THAT is not really a nice trait.
It reminds me of a friend of mine who were dating this guy who CONSTANTLY compared her to his ex. The ex was a slob, couldn't cook, didn't do this or that... and my friend went ABOVE and BEYOND to show this guy that she was "better" in every way than the ex. And she felt she had to be "on" constantly. CATERING to him, with food, clean his house, wash his car (yea that too, seriously)... Until one day we talked and she realized he DID it on purpose. IT was SHEER manipulation and it worked! She dumped him and later met her now husband, who is awesome.
He has ALREADY made you feel like you are "less attractive" or "less of a great catch" because he is SUPERFICIALLY comparing you to other women. He should NOT compare you ( at least not to your face) and he should THINK and ACT like HE got super lucky meeting you.
I'd honestly end it, and look for someone else. Because this WILL be the common "theme" with him. Comparing you to what he "thinks" he should be dating and making you feel like maybe YOU aren't good enough.
LET him date one of those "spray tan, fake nails etc" girls. You... should date someone who can appreciate you, for you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 June 2015):
 He sounds like he spends a great deal of time thinking about appearance and looks and very little time thinking about being sensitive and empathetic.
I personally would not spend any more time on him; I'd end the relationship now. He obviously has other women all lined up.
Find a guy who is thoughtful and kind and you won't have to worry about weirdness like this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 Hell no! I would not be flattered. I would also be wondering what his aim is in doing this .... is he trying to belittle you or to make you feel you don't deserve him or something? Why would he do that?
Maybe ask him why, if these other women were not only available to date but actively chasing him, ask him why he chose you. Let him know you are not prepared to listen to his, or his friends opinion on how they believe you stack up against other women, and their continuing with this is making you have second thoughts about whether your boyfriend meets YOUR exacting standards.
If your boyfriend persists in this behaviour I would serious reconsider any relationship with him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Personally I would be very hurt and just feel like the boyfriend is 'showing off' how pretty those women are thus making it sound like you are less attractive . I would tell him that I was busy from now on and go date them . Find a guy who thinks you are the only woman worth showing off
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 June 2015):
 His friend doesn't sound like he's attached, or if he is, he won't be the devoted type. I know the kind that tries to tell people, "you could do better." And that's the type who's jealous. My brother had a girlfriend (now wife) and she looks average. His schoolmate saw them and he told my brother, "what are you doing with a girl like that."There was always tension in between the two. My brother always had better grades. Our family has more money and reputation. Coincidentally they share the same names but slightly different spelling. I think what he was trying to do was to disrespect him. By showing he had higher standards he's attempting to overshadow him. He was a player himself and if you do a little research you would learn that players actually had low self esteem and are using innocent girls to boost their ego.
His friend is a jerk but I don't understand why your boyfriend is showing you the pictures, when he should know fully that his friend was being inappropriate and this should be between the two, and not involve you in this. If he doesn't understand why this is upsetting to you I have to question his intellect and maturity. Another possibility is that he's trying to make you step up the game so his friend won't bug him about other women. Again, this is in between them. Tell your boyfriend you are not interested in hearing what they say.
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