A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,This isn't a typical dear cupid topic, but it's about my boyfriend and his relationship with his family so I guess it's something..Anyway. My boyfriend(20) of 4 years is seriously considering contacting social services about his parents in regards to his little sister(who's 10) as both of his parents work long distance for the majority of the week and frequently leave the house without basic amenities such as electricity and centeral heating.He wants to know if he could get full custody of his little sister just so that he knows that she's in an environment where she doesn't have to worry about not having any food because the fridge doesn't have power..He's threatened this action to his parents but they haven't changed their behavior.I've not told him my concerns but I'm really worried that he's going to throw his life away (for a noble course certainly, but thrown away all the same) when there might be an easier solution.Can someone please offer their opinion on the matter? Is he entitled to any help or assistance from the government? Please tell me I'm being worried for no reason.. Thanks anon x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): Hi,
has he talked to CAB (Citizen Bureau advice in the UK)? They have lawyers that you won't be able to see, but will be able to advise you re: your legal position on the phone.
It is a free service and any citizen of the UK can access it. I've used re: rental issues as I couldn't afford a lawyer and I also used it re: contract that seemed very iffy (it was, but they did say that if I sign, there is nothing they can do as I basically agree to T&Cs even though they were illegal...)
I'm sure that they have different departments: work, pensions, rental, they might very well have lawyers specialising in custody arrangements? If you don't have one in your town/city-find out where the nearest one is. Caveat emptor:it might take them a month or two to get back to you, their case-load is crazy.
He should get at least maintenance payments from his parents IF he wins his case. (which should cover shelter+food for her,but they won't for him).
Re:Uni. This is something he needs to discuss with his sister one-on-one. She can find new friends. She will have to move schools soon-ish anyway (A-levels etc.) IF it's a really good uni (Russell Group), I understand your concerns.
If it's not that good a uni, he might actually be better off staying on in either finance or engineering internships close to where you are (or train driver's ones as well-I'm seriously considering this one as I went to a Russell Group uni,but a heck lot of good it did me...2-3 years and I/your bf might earn significantly more).
Plus, they are unionised (transport) and have final-state pensions which are as rare as hen's teeth nowadays.
Just throwing ideas around,of course.
I think both your bf and his sis have to be very realistic and compromise. Neither of them might be overjoyed with the compromise, but he can't pander to her whims, only to her actual needs. If she is clothed, fed, in a good school (even if in another part of the country) and he actually has some time to spend with her-all is good.
He will be sacrificing any and all uni experience but that's his choice. And also IF he decides to go ahead with it, I think he needs to know the reality of :"I can't hang around with you guys and have a drink,sorry", " I can't come to that party,sorry". "I can't join this sports' team as I need to come 3 times per week for a minimum of 2hrs in the evening,sorry."
It is sad really, that so many people that desperately want a child never get to have one and those that have treat so badly (if all you said is true). Good luck to your bf and I hope you two come up with a feasible solution.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 No one is so absent minded to have forgotten to pay electricity bill. They are beyond forgetful. It makes me wonder what they are really doing long distance. And to say they don't care if the 10 year old has no electricity, hot water and heat in the winter, that's more than not taking proper care. They are crazy. At the same time both of them are like that. Unbelievable.
However, I don't think not going to university is putting life on hold. For some people, college is putting life on hold because there is no guarantee a job that could pay back the loan.
It makes more sense for your boyfriend to stay there and put money in the meter than for both of them to go to a college town when neither of them has income. If their parents won't pay the electricity bill, I wonder if they would send money for him in another town. If he has to find evening work, on top of college assignments, then he isn't really there for her. You may not know if he has to move again for work. His life is not stable yet, so while taking custody of his sister sounds noble, it's just not so practical. He may have to move again, just to find work that makes sense of his degree.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): Thank you for your replies. (I'm the OP, cookies don't work too well on my phone) My boyfriend currently still lives in the family home with his sister, and the electricity and gas is metered so his parents routinely forget to put money on the meter, allowing the power to run out. But they have the money to pay it, they're just absent minded and bodied.He has put as much money as he can spare (and sometimes more besides, frequently going overdrawn) into the house to keep it powered, but right now he doesn't have many hours at his current job and his employers knew about his plans to go to university so they won't renew the contract when it expires.When I said I was worried he would throw his life away, it was because he had plans to go to university at the other end of the country. If he gained custody of his sister, she would want to stay in the same town and finish school with her friends. Something she can't do at the other side of the country.And I worry that he could resent the fact that his life has been put on hold. I know I would do the exact same for my brothers in this situation, but these same fears would be present.and would she resent him for taking her away from her parents? All other family are either of ailing health, too far away, or won't talk to them (not sure as to why)And for the record, yes it WOULD be easier for me if he didn't pursue this matter. But I will stand by him and support him in every way I can because life is seldom EASY. If it was then we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.I would never put my own personal hangups in the way of what is, objectively, the best solution to the problem. I have no intention of being a mother, but if my partner needs support, which he most certainly does and will need in the future, then I will help him in every way I can. (I also am still living with my parents, as the prices are astronomical vs. the wages. So he cannot even live with me.)Hope this elaborates somewhat on the situationAnon x
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 Hi
This is a very serious issue to leave a child for an extended period.
Yes the child is at serious risk and is being put into a vulnerable position. Yes the child should not live in that environment. The child does need an adult to take care of the child.
Would it be possible for you and your boyfriend to stay at the home of the absent parents and give the child care? How does the child manage alone? Does the child have to shop for food and sleep alone in the home over night?
The vulnerable child CANNOT continue to live alone and sleep in an empty house any longer. But what a safe way for the child to function and thrive?
Please print out the advice or at least the links in the stories below. Your boyfriend needs to be fully informed before or IF he approaches Social Services.
Despite what sounds like a situation where one would just pick up the phone and call social services I have concerns that the result of such a call would be a situation that could eventuate that would destroy your boyfriend.
What is more important? Your relationship with your boyfriend or the risk that a vulnerable child will come to harm while her parents are so irresponsible?
If you oppose your boyfriend you may lose him as he feels strongly about protecting his sister.
But there is an even bigger threat and if Social Services become aware of the situation they may forcibly remove the child and your boyfriend will never see his sister again.
For that reason I suggest that your boyfriend first get some expert advice on the best way to deal with this terrible situation.
Is there an Aunt of a similar or younger age who is able to take the child into her home? Could your boyfriend and another relative choose to share caring for the child so that the child does not have to self-parent themselves?
The UK has the highest rate in the world for Forced adoptions. Many children are removed from their family never to be seen again by their family until they are aged over 18. Because the State steps in and threatens the biological family with imprisonment if they try to make contact (with the child forcibly removed) before the child turns 18.
Can you imagine how devastating this is for the child?
The above outcome would devastate your boyfriend.
Here are some facts to demonstrate how serious the problem is in the UK.
Yes some families have a child removed due to drug issues or neglect or mental illness. But not always.
Sometimes the reasons are very flimsy.
Sometimes loving families have a child removed because Social Services decree that the parents or parents MIGHT not be able to parent the child successfully AT SOME TIME IN THE FUTURE. That argument would be hard to disprove.
Sometimes the mother, her family and the child's grandparents are loving kind people who are happy to help care for the child and yet still the child is adopted out by the State.
Sometimes the children are then removed from the UK, never to be seen again in the UK, by the adopting family.
It is a scandal of massive proportions.
One might think this is a temporary removal
It is not.
It is a permanent removal where the child is placed with strangers and then forcibly adopted out to other strangers and contact with the biological family permanently.
Here are some examples, with quotes, and some advice by a person appalled by this forcible removal. The Social Services in the UK take a very heavy handed approach.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/8349748/Social-services-took-my-children.html
"I thought this mother had a better chance of being reunited with her young children if she did nothing to provoke the authorities.
I was wrong. In January, the High Court made her daughter and son (both under 12) the subjects of a special guardianship order. They have now been placed with a distant relative they barely know and, under Section 34 of the Children Act 1989, the mother has been barred from contact until they are 18, on pain of imprisonment.
She has not been prosecuted for any kind of abuse, or committed any crime. She does not drink, smoke or use drugs, and has no mental illness."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/4365171/Social-services-remove-young-children-from-grandparents-and-arrange-adoption-by-gay-couple.html
"The five-year-old boy and his four-year-old sister were being looked after by their grandparents because their mother, a recovering drug addict, was not considered capable.
But social workers stepped in after allegedly deciding that the couple, who are aged 59 and 46, were "too old" to look after the children. "
http://forced-adoption.com/
"The UK is the ONLY place in the world where hundreds of parents flee the country every year to avoid having their babies and young children taken from them by the State for forced adoption."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3032868/Snatched-loving-family-handed-strangers-Sophia-adored-baby-devoted-mother-besotted-grandparents-social-workers-took-extraordinary-decision.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2128987/Children-stolen-state.html
"The story goes that social workers have become much more eager to take children into care because they do not wish to see any repetition of the scandal surrounding their failure to save Baby Peter, even though they and other officials had visited his home 60 times.
The social workers have become far too prone to target not genuine problem — but normal, respectable homes where children are being happily brought up by responsible parents."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 June 2015):
 How is making sure his LITTLE sister (who is 10?) is OK THROWING away his life?
Yes, at 20, that WOULD be a great responsibility and I have to say it shows WHAT a great human being HE is for wanting to do this.
If he "just" becomes her legal guardian he might NOT get any assistance, though it depends on HIS income.
What would the easier solution be? Foster care? Sure that might be EASIER for you. Not for the little sister, nor your BF.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 June 2015):
You mean your boyfriend can't go into their house and turn the power back on? Are they saving on bills or something? Can your boyfriend help pay their bills?
Your boyfriend is living independently, and his sister is alone for the majority of the week?
I can't imagine what other government assistance other than having her move in with your brother. I think it's for her best interest. When you have blood relations, you won't think of it as throwing your life away. I admire what your boyfriend is doing here.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (23 June 2015):
As far as I know he would be entitled to all the same benefits that a foster parent would get but he should seek advice from Citizens Advice about all the benefits he would be entitled to.
If his little sister is really at risk living with her birth parents, then your boyfriend really does need to take action. She can't stay in that environment and going to live with her brother may be a better solution to going into care.
But social services will be the ones to decide where she is best off living. And they might decide that somewhere different would be best for her or that she should remain at home with additional monitoring.
Good luck
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