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He beat me after I cheated... can I fix this or should I leave?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 June 2007) 30 Answers - (Newest, 15 January 2008)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

my boyfriend and i have been dating for 4 months i know that doesn't sound long but in that time i cheated on him three times he found out and cheated on me i don't know how many times and beat the hell out of me then hit me a few times after the one incedent, the first beating was so bad that his shoe print was a bruise on my side from kicking me and he still thinks i owe him i just don't know what i should do, can i fix this or should i leave him? i love him i don't want it to end but i don't know what to do.

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A female reader, Gifted1 Canada +, writes (15 January 2008):

Girlfriend go with the votes. LEAVE him, and stop cheating. Karma is a bitch, you might find the right guy your in love with and want to marry and have kids with and he may do it to you. I follow that sayin' What goes around comes around. Same for him, maybe on day he'll hit the wron girl and she might act out differently. But don't look back and regret, look ahead and move forward. Wish u Da best. What ever you do don't go back to him.

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A female reader, Gifted1 Canada +, writes (15 January 2008):

I've been in an abusive relationship for 5 years, we also share 1 child together. Like you I thought the beatings were okay, it didn't really bother me even though every time it seemed to get worse. But on January 10th 2008 I had enough. I was sitting in the drivers side of my vehicle and he opens my passenger door and pulls me by my hair from the drivers seat through the passenger side on to the floor where he contiued to drag me 5 feet and then starts to kick me and punch me 5-6 times in my face and head. This all took place infront of my 4yr old son, who was strapped in the back seat crying "Mommy, mommy" That was heart wrenching. I had to go to the hospital to take x-rays, I have a sprained knee and torn ligament. It's funny because out of all the beatings I've had, this one was a real wake up call for me. I went to the police...No Regrets, no one, no one deserves to be beaten or assaulted. NO ONE!!!!!! Don't take shit from any man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007):

You should leave. I don't want to be mean but to tell the truth you don't deserve any respect from him. You lost his trust by cheating on him. Not just once but three times. No doubt about it. How can you say that you love him when you have cheated on him? Also, he is not normal. He is crazy. A normal guy would leave you. How can he beat you up? If anyone lays a hand on you. It should be over that second. If he haven't apologized ... no.. if he haven't begged for forgiveness you should definately leave him!! I know how hard it is to let him go but this is not the right guy for you sister...

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A male reader, wildturkey Australia +, writes (14 June 2007):

wildturkey agony auntYou have to leave there is no option, someone like that deserves to go to jail not be with a nice person. As far as forgivng yourself for cheating on him.. just think why you did it, you might find out that his actions caused u to. He sounds like a pig to me!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

Yes, leave him. You deserve better. Anyone who would treat you that badly does not need to be in your life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

If you do decide to stay with him, which I don't support, perhaps you should both think about sterilization? There's no reason to bring a child into a situation like this that will only get worse.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

Oh, my god.

Get out now. At least you're not pregnant yet. Yet.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

You obviously dont need a boyfriend if you manged to screw around on him 3 times in a mere 4 monthes and you sure as hell dont need a boyfriend who pounds on you. Now that the precedent is set there will always be a reason he can justify beating you, he's a ruined human being and may never get over it. The question is: Can you? And again why are you seeking commitment at this point in your life when it's obviously not what your looking for? There are plenty of guys who could live with this scenario if your up front and honest about it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007):

Darlin' the first time someone hits you, you're a victim. The second time, you're a volunteer. Dump the bastard.

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A female reader, superfly United States +, writes (13 June 2007):

Before you look for advice about a man beating you, do some soul searching, as to what can a woman learn from being beaten, and then come back.

You didn't get a beaten, you got destroyed, broken, irrepairable, traumatized, and you will get more.

Do you know what the foot contact could have done to you?

It could have fractured one of those very very thin facial bones, causing an internal hemmorage, leading to possible disabilities and fatality.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i'm sorry for being rude that wasn't the plan in anyway i just got defensive you know? i'm sorry and thank you guys, all of you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007):

Sweety,you have come onto this site and you told us a shocking story. You are in a unhealthy relationship with a man who beat you and left a shoeprint, slammed onto your face. All these wonderful Aunts came to your aid and said, "get rid of the bum' Now you come back with your reply and state "Now to those who said that I shouldn't even be with him. If I'm asking if I should, that's ridiculous because people with better circumstances wonder if they should be in their relationship" Excuse me? I am totally baffled. What does that statement mean, hun? Is it the same thing as saying, "...'but you all don't understand-I don't care if he beats me...I love him!"?? Could you reply and clarify that, please. Because in my books, there is absolutley no reason whatsoever, for a man who is the stronger one--to ever physically beat a woman. Sweety, I am not taking you to task or trying make feel bad or wrong here..because this man has inflicted enough degradation upon you. And truely..I am sorry about that. I am trying to understand why--you would protect him? I guess I am worried why you have rationalized in your mind, that this type of treatment is par for the course? Hun, you need to lift the veil of denial and see your situation for what it really, really is. You have to find out 'why' you could love a man who could get so enraged and so blindly angry, that he beats you. Next time, you may not be this lucky. Women are getting crippled, maimed and killed in domestic abuse every year, every week, every day, in the world. You have some emotional issues of your own that need work because as it stands right now, right here...you don't feel you are good enough for a healthy, decent love, that some great guy could bestow on you. What this man feels for you is not love, hun...not the kind of love many of us know. This is his own self-hate, his own evil at work here-this is his control and manipulation of you. He needs professional help...years of intensive help and only he can fix it, you cannot. And you need professional help to find out why you would tolerate this.

Again, I am truely sorry this has happened you. Abuse is insidious and evil. What happened to you was not your fault, you are not a failure, you deserve to be happy and healthy, don't you. Start shifting the focus to yourself...love yourself enough to give you a happy life ahead. Fix that 'something' within you, that empty space that needs filling with a healthy love..give yourself the gift of renewing your life in a better way, by walking away from this and getting into some counseling. This is truely the only way. Don't ever, ever make excuses for a man who beats you, again. Get your strength back-empower your life. Get rid of this bum!

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2007):

Midge agony auntNo-one is making fun of you. You obviously like the guy enough to actually think about leaving or not!

However, if there is drugs involved, do you really want to get yourself involved in that? Okay you say that when you are with him, you are the happiest you have ever been, but how long is that gonna last? Whats gonna happen if you decide to really make a go of this relationship and give it your all, and he comes home one day wanting money for drugs, there is none, so he takes it out on you.

I know too many people that have been on that side of drugs and it plays tricks with your mind, and not good ones either.

On the other hand, if you fear for his safety, go to the police. They may say you need to wait 24 hours, but perhaps he is sitting in one of the cells for some stupid thing like being drunk in public, or something simple like that. You have to think too that if this has happened once, and he is hopefully safe, will it happen again? Its not fair on you!!

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A male reader, agony_uncle_r United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2007):

you cheat on him 3x in 4 months... not a condolable act in any way.

but this guy is purely an animal and deserves locking up before he harms you or anyone else. regardless of what horrible act you did to him no man has the right to hit another. leave him

find a guy who treats you with respect... but treat this one with a lil more respect than you have for this guy and keep your body to one partner at a time

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

well first of all thank you to all of you who responded to this but i disagree with those of you who say if you loved him you wouldn't have cheated first of all i cheated way at the beginning of our relationship so i'm not even sure if i did love him then and anyone given the right circumstances could and may very well cheat on anyone.... now to those who said that i shouldn't even be with him if i'm asking if i should that's rediculous because people with better circumstances wonder if they should be in their relationship.... now here's what's happened in the past day and a half.... everything got better he was happy, i was happy, last call i got from him was at 4 p.m. yesterday saying he was coming over, he never showed up, i got a call from his father this morning saying he never came home last night asking if he was with me........ i don't know where he is and he has alot of drug issues and some other stuff, now he's missing and he's been gone for not that long but long enough to make me worry, i stayed up all night to get a phone call from him because normally if he goes out and gets drunk and high and stuff i get a 4 o' clock in the morning phone call which i don't mind because atleast that lets me know he's ok, it's storming, he's gone, and this is probibly the beginning of the worst of it. i appreciate all those who helped and i feel dumb because look i'm still here worried about him being gone after what he did and what i did you wouldn't think that i could be happy but i am sometimes and when i'm happy with him i'm the happiest i've ever been and that's why i sound so dumb ranting and raving and refusing to leave... i'm really not dumb i promise

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A female reader, babydoll0713 United States +, writes (12 June 2007):

babydoll0713 agony auntIf you two really cared for each other you wouldn't have cheated. But besides that you should never want to be with someone who would put their hands on you in anyway you didn't feel right. That does for a man or a woman. You shouldn't have to ask if you should stay with him. If you actually are questioning it then get out now. If he beat you once, he'll do it again, and as time goes on it will be harder and harder to leave. If you don't leave you have now shown him he can do this to you and you won't do anything. Get out sweetie! Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007):

This guy is not worth being with. My advise to you is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. He can't be inlove with you and be hitting you. I could see him not talking to you or something,even having a few choosen words with you but hitting you ??? This bad, really really bad......RUN HONEY, AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Dump this fool of a boyfriend.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007):

There is no love here. Please separate before more pain is caused. Both of you need counseling apart from each other. Nothing can fix this. Take care.

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A male reader, Mad-Hat-Matt United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

Im sorry but its just not gona work out ya hav to get out of there cheating is something i can never condone but on top of that he is beating you and all because he is guilty.. Love listen here just leave he cant hurt yo when you arnt there and you will find some1 else and i no you love him but he cudnt love you that much if he wont stay faithful he needs to b given the push get rid and ur family and friends will b there if you need them

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A female reader, bubbloo24 Isle of Man +, writes (11 June 2007):

bubbloo24 agony auntGet outta there sweetness. No matter what you did wrong it should never result in violence.

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A male reader, badger United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

As others have said - you must leave - there is no choice. If you stay you will lock yourself into a miserable life of violence and recriminations. How can you love someone who would beat you like that?

Move on and find someone better - good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007):

Leave him. Immediately.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (11 June 2007):

penta agony auntRun like your ass is on fire. No one has the right to hit you for any reason, cheating or no. If you still have proof that he hit you, call the police. You'll be helping his NEXT girlfriend.

Then, when you "love" someone enough to be with him, don't cheat on him. It's not honest.

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A female reader, Jendorset United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

At the end of the day, if you both loved each other and you were right for each other none of this would have happend. You were obviously not happy in the relationship to cheat on him, and he should NEVER have reacted like that. I think you seriously need to cut off from him and spend some time on your own to recover. Your cheating is not the worst issue in this, his violence is. Whatever you do, DONT stay with him...there will be more of his violence in the future. Message me at anytime if you need to talk x

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A female reader, superfly United States +, writes (11 June 2007):

He beat you?....if you stay, he's going to beat you somemore, and for some weird reason, women tend to stay with these men, when they even know it is wrong to do so....

not good!....leave while you can, don't ever resolve a beating man!

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A male reader, Jubbaloo United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

Jubbaloo agony auntI'm not going to patronise you, or make fun because if you are contemplating staying with him you must have real feelings for him. But in my opinin darling, they need to end, no one has the right to touch you, and that's that you are such an important and special person. You have to remember that. Do what you feel, but dont let him do that to you.

Hope this helps

PM me if you want to talk more

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A female reader, Midge United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

Midge agony auntFirstly, two wrongs dont make a right. You cheated on him, so he cheated on you. Sorry, but if it were worth saving, he would have thought about it.

Secondly, are off your head? Are you actually thinking about staying with someone who has put his hand on you not once but more than that??

I can honestly say that I was hit ONCE by an ex boyfriend, and after that, well lets just say he spoke with a slightly higher pitch voice!

No-one should be able to put their hands on you in that manner and actually deserve any respect or even a second look. Think about YOU and what YOU deserve! Yes you made a few big mistakes. Yes, you are young and at that age, you dont want to be saddled with some bloke who HITS YOU!

Think about it! What is gonna happen the next time? Will you survive? What bones would he have broken?

Most of all...........will you be able to look yourself in the mirror????

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007):

go!! shit people like that arent worth it hun people like that don't change

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A male reader, Jamer70 United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2007):

Jamer70 agony auntIt doesnt matter what you did. He beat you, you have to leave this man. Cheating does not justify getting hurt like that. And if you continue in this relationship you may get hurt over things that mean less.

You cant love someone who has hurt you like this and he doesnt love you either.

LEAVE!!!!

and good luck!!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (11 June 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntYou don't want what to end...the beatings? Because I can assure you that you will get a never-ending supply of those if you stay around this guy. And trust me, you don't love the guy as much as you say if you cheated on him. Move on...there is nothing here but pain.

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