A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey, my name is Nancy, I'm 22 years old. I don’t know how to make this story short, but here we goMan, I've been feeling really depressed since early this year, my mental stability was ruined the day I accidentally found my husband's sex tape with a beautiful girl, and I did watch almost the whole thing (four hours but he sleeps half of the time too)At first I didn't know who she was Until I had a dream where someone told me her name and then on Facebook I found her when I woke up (weird), I didn't remember that I used to know her, as if it could get any worst than that, she was the girl I was a little jealous about when she took away from me my guy friend who was crushing on me but I wasn't, so one day he just replaced me for her, and we never hung out anymore, I remember he played his guitar he made songs for me, he once played for me to sing along but at the end of the trip she sang instead of me, she started singing "I kissed a girl" and she was good in my opinion, but the way she behaved she was so obnoxious and conceited, like in her head she was so confident and acted like she was better than anyone. I became jealous. I just hated her voice and it made me feel so sad that I was replaced by her even though I didn't like the boy.Now 7 years have passed since that event and I find out by seeing it that she used to have sex with my husband.I'm a very insecure girl who doesn't have many friends; I can't go out because I have a little baby with him. I've only had one boyfriend before and I don't like how promiscuous he was, he's been with 30+ (I just found out) and he has a std.I've been depressive before but since this happened, I've been through some mental issues, let's call them that.I want to find help, I go to therapy but right now I need someone caring to help me please and give me some good advice.There's days where I feel better but most days I just feel so sad, like, I can't get through the day without remembering her and him naked together, forget about his hands all over her , the way he acted more manly than with me. Everything he does or says I just go right to comparing, it's inevitable. My most common thoughts are Was he in love with her?Why did he secretly film her?(I'm almost certain that she did not know he was recording)Why did the break up or stopped seeing each other? Did he ever get over her?Does he think her tattoos are hot?If they ever dated or just had sex? How often did they see each other?Did he do this/that to her?(most are answered by the video)Did he ever fight with her?Where they so serious to even fight?If not, how lucky she is that she got to have the amazing sex with my husband without the fights and all his bull****?Was she a virgin and he took her v card?Was she the girl who lied to him after a few weeks that she was pregnant?How did they meet and start to hook up?Why the **** he was convincing her to go condom-less??Why he lied to me that he never ever had unprotected sex?He mentioned her mom so she introduced him to her parents?Why one day that I mentioned one girl who singed that I couldn't stand, he insisted on and on for me to say her name and when I said her name ,he said "I know her" and then I said "did you sleep with her?" (I was joking, didn't know at the time) he said "No!"?Did she stay more days because he was telling her to call a cab but she never leaves until the computer that was recording shut off?Was she the one who gave us the STD? Or did she get it from him? I know how crazy I sound because all of these questions about something so hurtful but, that's what I'm feeling and I'm seeking help. You guys, It's been months like this.I just can't understand why he has never mentioned her and I think it's because he pretends to hook up with her again? Maybe that's why he never said anything about this ex girl... he even knows her mom!Can someone tell me your opinion why he was acting all different, I can't even recognize him, he wasn't the same he is with me, he was even talking in a manlier voice, also he wasn't sweet, he was more arrogant like trying to impress, he was down to it saying stuff Like I'm going to put it in your * (I mean! he used a cute word for her ass) and it bothers me, he always tells me stuff like "you are the only girl who I've had this connection with sexually" "you're the only girl I'd ever do anal because you're the only person I don't find it gross with"? Like why? Why is he telling me that stuff if it's not real? I get that every person has had a past but why lie and say stuff that is not real when you can just shut up. I think that she's almost prettier than me and she has a beautiful slim body (I'm very thin but not so skinny like her) and her voice is cuter than mine, like she speaks lady-like and he always mocks me the way I speak and it makes me miserable... also she performed at sex very good, her moves I can't forget them :(, he was trying so hard not to cum and with me he just cums and ends it all even if I don't want to end it. He leaves me without orgasming but with her he did care and he mentions that he's happy because she had orgasmed already- makes me feel so unworthy when he tells me it's too hard to make me cum and he quits. He says I never try for him to arouse him but I just don't feel the same when we make love it gets so boring, because I just don't get excited anymore I see him like an old used toy.... I resent him because he was so eager to make love to her that he recorded it ALL and now he ruined my life. I've been faking it but normally I get random memories about this and feel sick to my stomach since then.Now I think I'm pregnant again. What would you do? I have no money and no parents and nowhere to go. I Do love him, do you think it will get better?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Nancy surely you must have some friends or family somewhere that can help you here?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2017): Hello, it's me again, the girl who posted thisThank you all aunt honesty, Honeypie, Andie's thoughtsI really appreciate your advice, as much as seeking proffesional help (I do that too) I want to get as many advice as I can, from much more experienced people, because I think I'm obsessed. Every morning I have these random thoughts about this all my memories are blocked by this event... he decided he would keep their sex moment forever and my life is ruined , I mean Our relationship. We do get along very well, we love eachother and the past is the past but I think I've come to the conclusion I'm married to a boy and not a man. I love how young he is, it's one thing that I wanted, to have a partner who is 2 years older than me but now I think I've made the wrong decision to keep the baby ( I love him don't get me wrong ) but I wanted an abortion and he did not let me and told everyone , now I am tied to this guy who I don't want to give my love to; Do you get me ? It feels like I'm mad at him all the time and that I can't stand him sometimes and I hate him when I think about the std and how he hid it from me knowing I would get it too. It's bittersweet because I don't hate him all the time I love him too because he is the person who adores me and he is my best friend but I think some time away without him would feel better for me , to explore my life like he did , I don't have a sexual past like him I never had anyone come over to make love for hours, I think comparing sucks but now being married to this guy I think it's unfair how I never had any freedom in my life due to my poor decisions I've been taking care of my pregnancy for 9 months and my baby for a year and the years pass by, my young years that's when you fall in love and I deserve a better partner than him , he has a drug problem, stds, promiscuous past, sexvideos, he is lazy, left college 3 times and has random jobs, you name it. I want stability And I think I should live alone but I honestly don't think I could pay rent and pay all the bills, got to school and take care of the baby/pay a baby sitter. Does anyone have any idea on what could I do to help this situation Could we work this out since I love him less every day and My terapist says not to confront him about the video which he doesn't know still exists?He grows more dissapointing to me every day and we have lots of jealousy problems. I could only give the baby to him so I can leave to have a single life but I don't think he would let meI feel trapped and I do go out to study and It's my first priority .I don't want to make a poor decision and cheat on him because I resent hin for the video I feel betrayed and feel the same as if he cheated in my face ( which he did once when we where not a couple anyways)
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 October 2017):
 A pregnancy with no support, no parents and no money? How will you raise this baby? I'm sorry, but I think either an abortion or adoption is best, as you aren't in a good place to raise a baby.HE ASSAULTED HER! Filming without her consent is ILLEGAL. He could have shared that video online and anyone she knows seeing it could ruin her life. Stop focusing on her and realise your husband behaved horrendously and illegally.Please see your doctor and a therapist to deal with this, but destroy the sex tape as well. I do not believe your husband respects women, nor do I feel he is a good match for you. I think you should seriously consider a divorce.I am truly sorry to say, but I do not think it would be fair to allow a child to be born into this mess and I think you should have your doctor do a pregnancy test, then talk about adoption or abortion, whilst having them as support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2017): The pathway you are putting yourself on is deadend.
This bloke has limited feelings. His sex is probably a routine.
You dont want to be a porn actress.
You will just get encouraged more and more to do it all for the camera.
You may be the sexiest female on earth but porn is sexploitation.
I think this guy has taken steps to get you into this frame of mind and he will aim to keep the child and cast you as a bad mother.
Life is not all about sex.
Exploitation is frequently about sex.
All that goes on camera is not pretty.
Snuffers keep recorded memories .Be careful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2017):
 First off, I am presuming this sex-tape is from BEFORE you two dated, so it should BE left in the past.
Second of all, I would be FAR more concerned that he FILMED this girl without her consent, not whether he liked her more or whatever.
You state that you don't think SHE knew, but HE definitely knew it was being filmed so THAT should tell you that he WAS playing to the camera and making a HUGe effort showing off HIS shills as a lover.
I think you should bring up the tape. And while you ask all these questions that are on your mind, ASK him if SHE knows about this tape? And does she know HE still has a copy? Has he distributed this online or among friends? Has he ever taped YOU two without your knowledge and consent? If he has done it once and gotten away with it, who is to say he hasn't done it again? And possibly even with you?
He has NO right to tape a sexual act. Even if she consented to have sex, that doesn't automatically mean SHE CONSENTED to be filmed. This is just so beyond what is OK. THIS is the man you are dating. Someone who POSSIBLY violated the PRIVACY of his former partner in one of the MOST intimate settings!
For me? This SHOULD be a far bigger deal than all the rest of the unimportant stuff.
This happened before you two were dating. The guy OBVIOUSLY had a sexual past and that you can't change.
Comparing yourself to the ex-Gf is pointless. You are you, and she is her. HE is with YOU, not her. So if he really preferred her, don't you think he would BE with her, not you?
What do you do?
Well, for one... STOP having unprotected sex. You have one kid and don't need another.
Secondly, it's time for you to find your independence. Get a job and work on being able to take care of yourself so you don't HAVE to rely on this creep.
And yes, I call him a creep. Filming having sex with a partner and the partner not giving consent is gross and creepy. What's even worse is that he held onto the tape AFTER they broke up. So he can visually VIOLATE her privacy over and over.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (20 October 2017):
OP have you actually asked your husband any off these questions instead off asking a bunch off strangers? Everyone has a past and it was an invasion of privacy in to his the moment you watched that video. I assume he was single at the time so it shouldn't matter about the video. However you are so low and depressed and you feel the whole world is against you. I do think you need to keep seeking professional help and actually talking. You say you love your husband but it sounds like you don't even trust him, you are so young to have all this stress and worry. Have you any guardians? Brothers and sisters? Nobody in the world at all but your husband?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): I am the person who posted this.
To WiseOwlE and anonymous, thank you for your advice. As you can see I really needed it and your words are in my mind to help me move on .
WiseOwlE, I do come from a dysfunctional family where I have no support from my parents, they don't give a hand to help me in a any way, I don't see them, they don't care if I live or die, I never get a call from them, my dad didn't even care to meet his grandson and I have not done anything to push them away, it's just like that since I became a teenager thay no longer cared for me. I used to be almost suicidal about this but now I just manage to say that I don't have parents and cope with the idea.
I've talked about this to my therapist who is a psychologist a million times, we always talk about this stuff and how it affects me , I've written it before for her and it's a great idea that I show this to her.
Thank you Anonymous female, your supportive words were really all I needed because I do wish to confront him maybe one day when I'm stonger. It seems that she didn't know she was being recorded but she was more likely putting an act for my man, acting over -the- top porn actress.
I just jumped into being in a relationship with him because I fell in love, at first I didn't want to settle down with him , but then he made a plan he strated making me jealous (he admitted) I saw how he was approached by other women and he was being flirty with other girls and he stated that the longer I make him wait and not commit, he would sleep with others and I regret it so so much because one month into the relationship I got pregnant after taking the day after pill.
I love him but also a part of me hates him because he knew that I deserved to have a life of my own, study, travel, meet new people, have a carreer but I am just stuck with the baby, I told him at first that I needed to have an abortion because I have nothing to give to my baby more than a miserable life with no grandparents or family and a mother who can not provide for herself ( right now I started a public college and I'm working partially as a model ) and life has been hard , like I don't ever have money for anything anymore and sometimes the baby's stuff , he works all day, he is a great partner I do love him and he is a good daddy. The sad part is that he told me when I confronted him about his std and how I feel now that I could have it but the doctors tell me I need more and more exams, he said that he feels like dying , that he is not happy because we are not free anymore , that he loves his kid but it's harder than he thought not being able to have moments for the two of us just made our relationship a little colder and we are always tired. I do have other stuff that I invest my time on, it's just this big problem in my head which I want to heal because it hurts me to know that I compare myself to this girl because of his fault , If he wasn't so much of a pig to videotape her I wouldn't be crying right now and I just can't help to compare how her mum and dad are so caring of her and she has a big family and they are rich , that I think well If he had married her instead of me (we are not legally married so in fact he could) he would totally be happier and have her parents to support, who are not selfish losers like mine , he would be working a better job because they want to make their daughters life better.... I don't know if I sound crazy but do you get what is happening to me?
I just look at him in the eyes and think about them , I think that she was perfect for him and that's why he videotaped her to remember forever because one day he said to me "this (i dont remember) should be recorded because great things might not happen again so they have to be immortalized" and I just went to the bathroom and cried so much, like I could erase the video but it is a permanent I donm't know but it has a backup and appears back again (he doesn't know about it / he thinks he erased it long ago) and I can't delet it but I never watch it , I just have it in my mind like I was there, I remember everything she or he said, every moan and every position , now what? Honestly I think I could forget it if I ended my relationship with him and never see him again but I don't want to leave my baby fatherless . I really do think she didn't know because she just shows up to have sex and he was recording from a hidden camera, what kills me is how perfect she looks every angle, her vagina is invisible like, you don't see anything, she wears a red dress and the playlist seems so premeditated like for the climax of the sex the beat drops and it used to be one of our favorite albums (you see how hurtful) and now lt's like hell listening to it because now I see why he likes it so much, I just know it was his sex-playlist with his ex. He has never mentioned that he dated her, is it because he wants to get it on with her again ? Am I overthinking?
I want to become a porn actress , I've had this idea before , but now after this video I just want to feel empowered to have great sex on camera too. He never acts it up for me , he never records me on hidden camera :( does it mean that he doesn't love me like her? Does it mean that he doesn't need to remember our love - making?
That's why I want to become a porn actress and if he ever finds out he must know that He was the one who made me go for it , that's all he likes and cherishes, videotaped moans and pussy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): Sex happens. Videoed sex doesnt just happen. It was planned.
Thats why your man was acting manly for the camera and announcing that she'd just cum and so on.
It was a one man show.
And maybe she was in agreement too and putting her best moves and sounds for the camera.
Perhaps it was edited later for porn and maybe some one felt big about it and cashed in.
I wouldnt replay it in my mind and I wouldnt ask questions about it
Id throw a wobbler at my man and let him know it was disgusting and I am soooo over him but also Id keep a copy of it to show my mum and his one day or at least to show the judge in the divorce case!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2017): I see that you're in your early 20's. That's pretty young to already be married with a child, and another on the way.
I take that it was a whirlwind romance; and you just jumped at the opportunity to get married before having any real experience at life. It was apparently only a few months after you married, before becoming a mother. So life so far, has been learn as you go. You were looking for someone to take care of you when he came along.
I can tell when an OP is either from a dysfunctional family-background; or they don't have a close relationship with their parents. I can also tell when they were pretty much rebellious; and sought life on their own. You may not have parents; but you had somebody as legal-guardian(s). You pushed them away. I doubt you are lost in space and floating totally unattached to another soul on the planet.
Not even an in-law???
It's evident your world revolves around your husband. Your low self-esteem needs work, and your post should be read by your therapist. I bet like many, you sit through sessions with little or nothing to say. Then wonder why nothing changes? You can't heal on pills alone. You need to open-up to the person best trained to deal with your depression.
That's how you end-up learning life the hard-way. You have no support-system, you say nothing of what happened to your parents or past family-life; and you're obsessed with your husband's past sex-life. You place way too much on the value of sex, and too little on emotional-attachment.
I have a marvelous idea. Printout your post and share it with your therapist. It would be most helpful in discussions regarding your feelings and probable abandonment attachment issues. I think your depression and mood-swings are more hormonal than psychological; but your therapist and doctor are better qualified for giving you a professional-opinion about that.
I think you need to get out of the house. Sitting at home alone keeps the mind rambling aimlessly about. You should enroll into an online college degree program to get yourself a college degree. Take the little one out for strolls and fresh air. If you're sitting at home all day locked-away; you're not getting enough sunshine and stimulation.
Destroy the sex-tape. Share the information about it with your therapist. You need to speak to your doctor and your therapist if you need vitamins and other prescribed medication during your pregnancy. I sense this is a bit of a rant while you're feeling low; and you just need some loving care and attention.
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