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Has anybody else been in a bad place, and how did you turn your life around?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've gotten myself into a mess and I would like some advice with how to deal with it.

Has anybody else been in a bad place and how did you turn your life around?

I'm depressed at the moment because of an extremely bad relationship.

He did some pretty awful things to me and the last argument we had he demanded for money amongst many other things and said some things that shattered my confidence.

During a particularly bad argument I ended up going to work and ended up just quitting because I felt under so much stress.

He was ringing me at work, he called me a whore all the time, he kept turning up at my flat shouting that I was a filthy rat and told me everybody wanted to rape me.

I've been to the doctor and he's given me anti depressants, I'm positive that I will end up feeling better because I've sought help.

But I have an interview for a new job on Monday, I'm still feeling quite anxious and down. I don't feel very confident but I really need to get this job as my savings are running out.

I realise now that I shouldn't have just quit like that, I know I let things get to me and I should have just stayed in work. But because I realise I was a bit silly I'm beating myself up a bit about it.

Have any of you gone through something similar, how do you calm yourself down and stop thinking about mistakes? How do you turn your life around when you know you messed up?

View related questions: at work, confidence, depressed, money

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI suggest that you seek therapy. Yes you have taken the first step off getting help by going to the doctors and getting some pills. But they won't raise your confidence and self esteem again. You must do that yourself. You sound like you are completely shattered therefore I suggest booking a therapist to help you go through your issues.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOoh, been there, done that! As my dear mum used to say, "the only person who doesn't make any mistakes is the person who doesn't do anything".

Mistakes are part and parcel of our journey through life. They are our lessons. There is a school of thinking which believes that, if we do not learn from a lesson, we will receive it again and again, until we do. This is probably true in that we will repeat past patterns of behaviour if we do not learn that they are not good for us. So you need to learn where things went wrong with this idiot ex (because that is all he is), and make better choices for future boyfriends.

Good luck with the interview. Take a deep breath, hold your head high and radiate enthusiasm and friendliness. Make sure you know where you are going so you arrive in plenty of time for your appointment (nothing worse than panicking about getting there or arriving late). Dress smartly but comfortably so you feel relaxed but know you have made an effort. You can always break the ice by admitting you are really nervous. There is nothing wrong with that.

If the ex is still bothering you, talk to the police about taking out a restraining order. When you get a new job, don't advertise it on social media, so he does not hear where you are.

The best of luck. You CAN do this. Honest.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

I was in as bad a place as yours. Maybe even worse. How you ask? So basically I was with a guy exactly like your ex, then got out of that and fell into another relationship which felt good for a while, we had a whirlwind courtship and decided to get engaged and we did... And on the night of my engagement I discovered that was brand new fiance was looking at pictures of his ex and getting off. From then on a new nightmare started where I discovered he was a total pervert, had had I don't know how many dozens of relationships with absolutely shitty girls, couldn't do it without porn blasting in the background and the icing on the cake was that he even lost his job.

See, I told you I'd win :)

I left the city I was in and moved back in with my parents, got a new job, decided to never allow myself to get hurt again and just completely changed my life singlehandedly, almost overnight. It's all in the mind OP, all in the mind.

I immersed myself in work, I didn't allow myself to even think of all that had happened. I took care of the way I dressed, put on some make-up, wore heels, smiled and no one would ever know looking at me, the hell I'd been through.

In time I met a wonderful man who truly changed everything bad that had ever happened to me. He loved me more than I could imagine, respected me, gave me everything that I could ever ask for. We got married, I have a beautiful son and yes, to answer your question, I did make it through hell and back. And if I can, you can.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2017):

The key to CHANGE is FOCUS.

Make a list and number each goal you are trying to achieve from most to least important. Under each goal, give steps on how to accomplish the goal. Example:

1. Ace the interview

- Do research on the hiring company

- Think of 3 questions to ask : about company culture, your position, etc

- Pick out clothes & shoes the night before

- Get a good night's sleep

- Shower, Put on lotion & makeup before interview

- SMILE! ACT CONFIDENT!

2. Budget plan for the next 3 months

- Review available balance in Savings

- List all monthly recurring bills

- Estimate daily meal & gas expenses

3. Doing something for MYSELF, to make ME happy once a week

- Treat yourself to a nice meal once a week

- Pamper yourself with a nice manicure or at home treatment

- Treat yourself to something sweet

Focus on ONE GOAL AT A TIME. As you complete each goal, check it off.

Anytime you get distracted, look at your goals list again and again and again, update it, add extra steps on how to accomplish your goals. Keep working on the list, keep focusing on your goals. You will slowly see positive results and good things happening.

Don't let anyone or anything drag you down. Your life is in your hands. It's all a matter of FOCUS. If you keep looking and dwelling in the negative, that is where you will be. But if you are determined and focused enough, you will succeed. ALOT OF DETERMINATION AND FOCUS!

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (8 January 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntSounds like a right douche bag he was. I guess the most obvious thing that springs to mind is now this arsehole has been kicked to the curb lays before you a road free form his torment. I hope it was you that ended the relationship and walked away because that takes a lot of courage when you are left feeling like a shell of a person. Whether or not you see it this way, in addition to courage you have to have confidence in yourself to know by ending it -you deserved better and you do. His behaviour and comments are reflective of who he is as a person and what insecurities lie within him. The tearing down of you makes him feel better about himself. Sad really. Enough about him, simply not worth it. How do you turn things around you ask? First, you be kind to yourself by understanding that we all make mistakes and hindsight is a beautiful thing. It really is because hindsight is your learnt experience to now do things different. I personally believe that things do happen for a reason,both the good and the bad, just have to have some faith. It's perfectly normal to be nervous when going for jobs. They know it too. If you get it you get it, if you don't then dust yourself off and you go to plan B. If you don't have one- get one. Think out side the box even. That said, take a fresh look at whom it is you socialise with? Are these people uplifting or do they suck the life right out of you? Culling negative people out can be a bit life changing. New people, dynamics and experiences can be a fresh and welcome change also. All the best

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