A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and refuses to stand up for me when it comes to his crazy family. I was harassed during my husband's deployment. I have been through hell and back and defended my husband but I can't get the same in return. I always thought he would see the light but 8 years and no light has been seen. We got married he was deployed. His dad had my husband as a cosigner on his car. His dad stopped making payments and he had to deal with me since my husband was overseas. I was harassed and accused of "hacking" into my husband's account when I finally after tears and several fights got my husband to say something I was accused of hacking the account and acting I was him! Are you serious?!?!? My husband's whole family has literally used him. He was paying for their debts and his family hates me bc I after years got him to stop! We have had so many issues I could go on for years telling y'all but I hope this shows what level of crazy I am dealing with.My husband graduated from nursing school and his Mom didn't even know what he graduating from at the ceremony! I had to explain that despite watching my husband do that every week for 4 years! No they aren't old lol! Just no excuse. I am just at my breaking point.My husband refuses to be by my side and defend me and see what they are doing wrong! I have done everything possible and nothing is working. My husband is now in PA school and he has distance from them but wants them at his graduation for his bachelor's and again for his masters and I'm not having it. I can't let my husband's day be ruined again and the toxic family will 100% due that. He is saying I am controlling and ordering of me to feel the way I feel. I have had my family in other states harassed by his family and his family has said they will see to it that we divorce. Well the time has come and I have been my husband's constant. I have stood by his side and cheered him on. I have had to live my life around this program while battling a traumatic brain injury and a seizure disorder and now his family says it's all fake I am fine bc I wear makeup and look ok! So petty! Anyways I can't stand by his choice with them. He knew the last time I saw them was it I was done. He knew I wouldn't be OK or feel safe yet he wants them them there now! I'm supposed to figure it out and get them there! They haven't been here or seen him in over a year! I literally have been through so much with these people and to be told this by my husband who has watched me cry and try over and over I am so stressed I can't even take this. I am hurt that he would even make this a consideration! Let alone a demand! I'm honestly so ready to run but I truly love my husband. Why am I not worth it to him? Why marry me to watch me live in misery bc of his family? I would drop mine like a fly if they ever did even 1/8 of what his has done and I defend him all the time. Does he just not love and care enough? I'm not worth it? How do I deal with this? How do I leave him when I am so proud of him and love him so much but am so hurt and he totally doesn't get it. He says I am ridiculous and I should leave if I feel this way. I mean I wish I could express just how bad this whole ordeal is. 8 years of this and he still doesn't get it. I don't think he ever will and I can't live this way. I need to not hurt and it's taking a toll on me. I just am at a loss. Please help me!
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (22 November 2016):
This is all so sad when I read your question and I am so sorry to hear that your husband isn't supportive or is defending you from his family at all. Like the bible says once a man leaves his family and marries his wife. They become a family together.I will tell him that you want him to defend and support him if your own family attacks him. Tell him you want the same thing from him when your in-laws do the same things to you. If he really loves you he will do that for u.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): I agree with the answers to an extent. However I was treated terribly by my ex husbands family and I withdrew. He still saw them. Whilst this gave me a break in the short term they used it as ammunition for yet more insults and division blaming me for causing problems. Can't really win. My advice is give them the least emotion, effort and energy possible and their own flawed character will have the chance to shine!!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2016):
 OP, they are his family- his parents. Maybe they aren't nice people - not everybody is blessed with doting, caring, loving parents / siblings , as strange as this may sound to people who had that blessing in their life and never knew it could be different; but, they still are the only parents and family that he can get. Blood is thicker than water. Maybe he feels the call of the blood, maybe just a sense of obligation. After all, they may have been not too nice to him- but still nice again to carry on his pregnancy, bring him into this world through the painful, dangerous process of childbirth, and provide him food, shelter, clothes on his back and basic education until he was old enough to do better for himself that they could have given him.
You are basicallly trying to force him to a radical choose, either me or them, and this is petty, unrealistic and.. it does not end well, in general. He can have both in his life, just keeping them separated. You do not have to hang out with his family members or get along with them. You can ignore them and live your life as if they never existed.
But you should not try to prevent him from inviting them to his graduation. This matters to him- he, for whatever reason that you can't fathom, cares about giving them this basic sign of recognition and formal respect. Who knows... maybe he just wants to tell them : look where I have got !, look what I have managed to do of my life, nothwistanding you bunch of leeches and losers , nyah nyah.
Whatever it is, it's HIS choice, his wish, and HIS gratuation most of all, he has the right to invite Hitler if he wants. Stay out of it. Tell him that you do not feel like arranging for them to come, and you are not going to invest time and energy to see a result ( their presence at the ceremony which you could not care less about to begin with. That is fair; they will have to make their own ararngements if they want to intervene. They cannot treat you like s..t ,and then blithely expect that you'll act as their social secretary and "road manager " .
But that you take your distance on that day, and limit yoirself to an icy politeness when strictly necssary, is already a strong action and a strong statement of yoir position on the subject. Don't try and turn it into an all oit war between you and husband, and, if you love him as much as you say, don't corner him into making drastic cruel choices , either one of which would involve losing something he really cares about.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 November 2016):
 Remember what you're trying to encourage this man to do.....basically cut off his FAMILY. I don't think many people would do that in a heartbeat so no wonder you're coming up against resistance from him.
Just stop concerning yourself with his family, if you don't like them you don't need to deal with them. HE wants his family there at HIS graduation. You don't have a say in that I'm afraid. However, you don't need to help him sort their travel out, if they truly want to be there then they can sort it for theirself.
Let him deal with his family, you stay out of it and stop getting so stressed and worked up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2016): Your husband puts his family first. Was he deployed to the Middle-east? Soldiers become more attached to their families when they feel they may be facing their mortality. He has been their financial-support for a long-time, and seems to like having them dependent on him. He feels they really need him; and probably loves them so much, he gives until it hurts.
The thing about people who support their kin financially, is they feel deeply obligated, and believe they'll lose the love if they stop. They imagine all sorts of catastrophe. Sometimes that is the only way they can hold-on to their families. He also knows they're a bunch of losers, and can't bear the thought of them hitting rock-bottom. They're his flesh and blood. Even if they act like a bunch of jerks and parasites, they do love him. He knows it. He also feels very sorry and responsible for them.
He doesn't support you because he thinks you're cold-hearted towards his peeps. You've made it clear you don't like his family. Of course he's not going to back you up on that!
No, he's not going to get in the middle of you all battling it out; while he's hoping he'll live to come home, if he was serving on the battlefield! Mainly, because you shouldn't be fighting with them anyway. He co-signed for the loan knowing his dad wouldn't pay. Who took care of him when he was growing-up? His dad was there, you weren't!
Ever heard of standing in the neutral-zone? Let people talk all the crap they want, their words only have the power you give to them. You can be accused, but it takes evidence to convict you of a crime or wrong-doing. False-accusations have no bearing and can't be proven. Think he doesn't know what his own family is capable of? He has an endless supply of forgiveness where they're concerned. Some families, mine included, are like that.
As a married-couple, your finances are linked and intertwined; and you have every right to know where your money is going. His money is your money, and your money is his. So who gives a rat's furry butt what his family says about that? If you divorce him, that money-supply is going to dry up! They're biting off their noses to spite their dumb faces on that one! He doesn't really know what a husband is supposed to do in this situation. So he ignores you. He can't bring himself to turn his back on his folks.
You can't just go and demand people stop helping their families. You try to compromise and coerce them to let go of the burden, if it's more than they can handle. It is somewhat ingrained if he has been their life-support for a very long time. So it will take time for him to bring himself to stop helping them. It makes him feel good to do it. In the past, they have probably given him unconditional love and support their own screwy way. Only he can appreciate it. There's really no way you would or could.
Then the question rises. How much of this is just your spite, because you hate them? He knows you, and he can see through you. He also knows when you've stepped out of line.
If your household finances suffer because of his over-generosity to his family of leeches; you have to offer hubby an ultimatum. You've given this family-drama eight years of dealing with the fighting and discord, and it has ruined your marriage. He has already shown you he doesn't care how you feel about it. Then you have to grow the nuggets to stand your ground. Let him know you feel like an outsider, not his wife. A real man stands by his wife, and his woman stands by her man. They are an inseparable team. Equals.
As a man and your husband; if he can't demonstrate his love, protection, and support. You have to give him his final option. If he doesn't comply; then take steps to file for divorce and take half of what's yours. Let him feel what it's like living without you. You've gotten a dose of what it feels like without him. Sometimes people take you for granted, and you need to hit them with some harsh reality.
Your futile nagging (as he probably perceives it) has only proven you don't like his family, and he sees your helplessness. He feels everyone depends on him, you included. He hasn't seen any consequences for not standing by you as his wife, partner, and equal. Then the time comes to put yourself first. The begging stops.
Fighting and nagging someone who doesn't understand your point of view doesn't make people change; they have to see there is a point you realize it isn't worth it. They have to feel serious consequences to make them step-back and realize you have had it, and won't take it anymore.
Chances are, you're just venting here. If you've put-up for eight years, there must be a reason you've stayed. If you take no drastic measures, nagging and threats are pointless. He hasn't taken you seriously, because you've played re-runs of your same bitching and moaning routine he's seen over the past eight years. In his mind, you just don't like his family, and they don't like you.
What progress have you made thus far?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2016): Don't make yourself into the bad guy by being the one asking your husband to cut off ties w/his parents. Tell him you support his decision to invite his parents to his graduation, but since you do not get along with them well you will not be doing any of the planning to get them there, that task will be up to his parents and him to work out. Then stick to your guns. Your husband can send them the invite, or email the information about the when and where to them, and his parents can make arrangements to attend or not as they are able. You do not have to pay for them, you do not have to make any arrangements for them. They are adults and can make their own way.If they show up, be polite but distant, and try to ignore or deflect any attempts by them to pull you into an argument. Be the ice queen of the day and don't let the negative comments bother you. You will get thru the day and your husband will appreciate your effort on his behalf.Best of luck,
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2016):
 Am sure he does love you, but you are making him choose between you and his family so yes he is going to see you as the bad one, and yes I imagine he will choose his family. You need to remember your husband wouldn't be here today for only his family. Yes they have done wrong to you, but am afraid your husband is never going to stand against them. So you need to ask yourself is love enough to get through this marriage?
It stood out to me when you said he wants them there for his graduation but you said you are not having it. Excuse me if I am wrong, but is it not his graduation? His choice? I think you need to let go off the past because you are just letting it destroy your life. If he wants them there then that should be his choice, am sure you can be polite for one day.
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