A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Guys, do you miss your mistress when your affair ended suddenly. I just ended my affair with a married man. Without stating the reason why. I know it’s wrong to be in love with him. So please spare me all the nasty comments. I feel kinda disappointed when he tried asking twice and didn’t reach out after that. I found out that he was on vacation and he kind of like lie to me when I asked him what’s he up to the night before. I guess I mean nothing to him after all. He’s even posting stuff on social media on the pictures which he took while on vacation.
View related questions:
affair, married man, mistress Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): Hi OP. I know you are a human being when all is said and done. And that you must be suffering beyond words or the comprehension of those who have never walked in your shoes.
The level of pain you are feeling is deep.
To the people who judge, trust me the pain is enough.
Too much actually.
As human beings who have all made mistakes and shown poor judgement, it shouldn't be so easy to fault others when none of us is perfect.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 My response was based upon the fact that, at some point you found out that this man is married, yet you still wish to continue with him.
Again, please do not waste any more of your life and time with a married man.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (31 October 2017):
I'd like to spare you any nasty comments, however, when you ask such a question via a social site, you must expect and accept that you will receive many different responses, both good and bad.
I don't know the exact nature of how you guys met and who did the chasing.
I'm guessing this married man chased you and perhaps you did or didn't know that he was married.
If you did know, then you should have ended it right from the very start.
Regardless of all you've stated, i have a bigger issue on my mind.
The fact that you were able to have an affair with this married man and that you are still so invested/interested in him and that you're wondering why he isn't concerned about you.
You cannot be serious??!!
You made a CHOICE to have an affair with somebody who's married.
He didn't force you to be with him, nor did he tie you up by ball and chain and drag you into his life/his world.
YOU CHOSE TO DO IT OF YOUR OWN ACCORD.
Let me ask you this?
What if the tables were turned and you were married to somebody you truly loved and placed your trust in.
Would you like to find out that your husband was having a long term affair and had been lying behind your back, just to cover his tracks?
You come across as so self absorbed and only thinking of yourself and your needs not being met, well i'm sorry, but this man has a wife and you should have enough self-respect and respect for his wife and family to end this madness, because this is what this is, absolute madness, not to mention filth!
Do you ever think of his wife, his children?
I'm suspecting not enough to dump him forever.
Did you honestly think that this married man was going to dump or divorce his wife for you?
He is a manipulative cheat, liar and sleaze, so if he can lie to his wife, he can also lie to you and any other female that he comes into contact with.
It's funny, because when these things happen and a woman writes in, most people will show displeasure with the man's behaviours, however, i believe that it takes 2 to tango and you are a huge part of that 2!
You are not better than this married man, because as a woman who is involved with this married man and still wanting more out of this "fake" relationship, makes you as guilty as he is.
Just because you are female doesn't take away from the fact.
The fact that you are doing the dirty with a married man who has a family waiting at home and seemingly not carrying around too much guilt.
Do you have a conscience and a sense of remorse?
One that tells you that you need to stop it immediately and cut all ties with him?
If you didn't know he was married, that's a different story, but you do know.
I am being judgemental yes, however, my judgement is based upon your wrongdoing and your ongoing concern regarding whether or not this married man is still interested in you and only you.
You are living in fantasyland and you surely must know this.
This is a fantasy that you are hoping will turn into reality, but it will not and it cannot.
This man uses you for sex on the side and he's fully invested in his family over you.
Basically, he gets the best of both worlds and he doesn't owe you a single thing.
You are always easily there for his taking, so he knows he doesn't owe you any explanation and he can leave any time he wants to, because there was never anything concrete between the two of you to begin with.
The other thing, you may both get caught out soon and i can almost guarantee that his wife will find out soon enough and when she does, watch out!
I have seen it happen before and i've heard about it and it's never pleasant for all parties involved.
STOP worrying about this or any married man and start focusing on your inner self and try to figure out why you do what you do and how you can turn your life around for the better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2017): Sure, a married man can miss his mistress and grieve her loss.Some guys do fall for another woman while married. But most just want to have a little fun on the side.It doesn't mean you are less or mean less because he is able to move on. It's because he trained himself all along never to fall in love with you because he knew he'd never leave his wife. Men are better at this than we are for the most part. He knew that someday, once the fairy dust wore off, you'd start to resent the situation. Why wouldn't you? Most women come out strong out of the starting gate because it's such a delusional rush in the beginning but months and years in, they realize that they want it to be more than just sex. Even if the sex is still amazing. And they see that it never will be. Despite all the over used, tired, empty words and manipulation the married man tries to use on the woman to keep the sex coming.Don't feel bad. He won't leave his wife for the next one or the next one after that either. The wife is the constant until she finds out. And she will.Sorry but it doesn't appear this was a very strong emotional relationship other than a little sex here or there. The fact he lied about going away with his wife shows me how little he cares about your feelings. I sense it was an escape for him when he felt like it. Nothing more.Will he miss you? I think he will get over it. As I said, it isn't because you're not special, it's because he never cared enough to see deeply into your soul. He was after you simply for carnal pleasures. To meet his sexual needs. His wife likely meets his emotional needs.Some guys will continue cheating with other women if they lose one steady supply of sex. Others won't. It depends. There are serial cheaters and those who do not make it a habit. Some fall into an affair at the right time, in the right place, and with the right person. Why? Because there were cracks in the armour of their marriage to begin with.The longer the affair lasts also plays a role. I truly believe it is evident if a married guy is with his mistress for 4,5,7 years, there is definitely an emotional bond that goes beyond sex. It then becomes a relationship and yes, in those cases, I do believe the grieving process would be the same as any other relationship. Men in long term affairs aren't usually serial cheaters looking for mistress after mistress. And if their long term affair ends, they may not be out actively looking for another, but I think if the opportunity presented itself again, they would be prone to repeating the same mistake. The illicit thrill and resulting high it produces is very difficult, if not impossible for mere mortals to turn down.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Of course it would vary according to individual situations.
Most men, I think, would not sweat it at all. Sex is sex, and fun is fun, - things which feel good no matter who provides them, so when you lose one , you just wait for the next to show up. Pizza is good too, but if the pizza place downstairs goes out of business, you just patronize another one few blocks away.
If it was more than just fun, if there were feelings and attachment involved, well, sure the married guy will miss her mistress- married men are human too :), with human reactions. BUT, I think that the married guy will be philosophical about it; he knew it from the start that this was very possibly going to come at some point. Very, very few women would be content with being ,like, a secret second wife for a lifetime. Maybe some did, but the majority , at some point down the road,would want either to be promoted from mistress to official partner, or else to be left alone. Same as you wanted. So, it was already in the cards - he knew you were on borrowed time, - might as well be a good sport , accept the inevitable- and move on.
Then again, and I am saying this not to be a b...h, but, after all, it's sheer logic: the married guy was fond of the mistress, but not THAT much, and he will regret losing her - but not that much. Why ? Obvious,- because if he had been so taken, so smitten with her, so incapable of being without her- by now he would already left his wife for the mistress.
If he keeps the wife, it means that he is comfortable , all in all, with the idea of having to lose the mistress. It fazes him a bit, perhaps- but not that much. Apparently, it fazed him more the idea of possibly losing his wife.
...............................
A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (26 October 2017):
 To an extent sure, why not? I'm assuming it was more of sex-thing rather than a lets-run-off-into-the-sunset thing. You need to realise that he's a cheater...cheaters tend to lie...so you shouldn't be too surprised if he's lying to you. Chances are he'll use whatever charm he sprinkled on you to get some other fresh faced woman or women to get his needs met. I think you should let this guy go and move on with your life. Guys who cheat often don't stay with the mistress.
Kudos on your moral compass and self respect.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Some do, but it's usually the sex they miss, not the woman.
You got yourself into a situation where this was always the outcome - end it or live with the scraps forever. You did well by leaving, but you need to stop thinking about him now. He doesn't care and you shouldn't either.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (26 October 2017):
I’m sure some guys miss their mistresses. If they had a real emotional connection to her of course he would miss her. If he didn’t have an emotional connection, that is she was just someone he was exchanging bodily fluids with he probably doesn’t miss her so much as he misses the cheap easy sex.
Only he knows which you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): My married boyfriend is on vacation with his wife for a month. It's hell on earth.I know about all the trips in advance (they travel often) and he always contacts me while he is away. Tells me he misses me and that he isn't having any fun without me. Blah. Blah. Blah. He isn't stupid. He knows he has to feed me such lies so that I am still there for him when he comes back and wants sex.After 4 years and 4 months of going thru this kind of emotional abuse at the hands of a man who wants me to be ready, willing and available at his convenience, it sure does take a toll on your emotional stability.If I knew then what I know now, I would never have done this.With every passing day, I am starting to hate him more. But what I hate most of all is that I have allowed him to do this to me.He will miss the sex but that feeling will go away once he finds another mistress. You did the right thing. I think it might be my turn next.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): Hello there. Without knowing how long your affair lasted with a married man or the details of how you hooked up, etc...it is hard to judge by your question what exactly you were to each other. You are asking...do you think my married man lover misses me after I've broken up with him? Interesting that you focussed on this question. If I understand correctly he tried twice connecting with you after you broke up and then stopped trying to contact you and this has disappointed you. So, what is this really about? Being in love is not wrong, so let's leave that issue to one side. The actions you take have consequences. You always have a choice of your actions. Did he also claim to be in love with you? You just both couldn't help yourselves...hmmm. The situation you entered into is just so full of moral pitfalls, problems and potential pain for all parties involved. Do you not understand that this is not an attention seeking game? There are real people involved here with feelings - his wife being the most important one - remember her? So...what is this about? You wanted this married man to come chasing after you? He hasn't chased you enough? You thought he'd fight harder for you. Why should he? You are the secret he is hiding from his wife - he doesn't need it complicated by 'chase me, chase me' games.Interesting again that you found out he was lying to you about where he was and this has saddened/disappointed/angered you. Are you surprised he can lie? What do you think he tells his wife when he is sleeping with you? What lies does he tell to cover his tracks? You think he can only lie to his wife but not to his mistress? You're that special? More special that his actual wife?Let's say he leaves his wife for you. This is the golden rule. He was cheating when he met you he will cheat on you when you are with him. When a man marries his mistress, a job becomes vacant. This man is a rat. Move on. Don't sleep with any more married men and get a decent life going. Don't look back.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Everyone is different, and in this case, a cheater's actions tell a story far more accurate and and revealing than his worthless words could.
You are in love with a lie. The guy you thought you knew does not exist. He may miss being able to USE you, just like a woman would miss a favorite vibrator if it were to break, but he was not emotionally invested in you.
What he wanted was the "girlfriend experience", meaning he knew what to SAY to get what he wanted out of you. On your end, the affair has an addictive and illicit quality to it, meaning you're actually in withdrawal from him right now. You need to get away from him, like other aunts have said.
You're in your late 20's. Your biological clock is ticking, and "The Wall" stops for NO ONE. If you ever have hope to really be in love with someone who actually CAN love you back and have a real relationship based on truth, you need to get away from him forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Nobody can read this mans mind or tell you if he misses you or not, but from your post it sounds to me like you have had a lucky escape. He lies to you, he lies to his wife, and who knows who else he is lying to. He is a selfish man who is playing two women at the same time. Yes I do feel sorry for his wife that she does not see him for who he truly is. I do hope you can see now that he is not worthy off your love. He is committed to someone else, and he is not to be trusted. Keep with the no contact and move on with your life. Learn from your mistake before you loose trust in all men.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 October 2017):
 I think it all depends on the guy and the woman. If she was "just" a bit of sex, attention and feeding his ego on the side of his life, then maybe he doesn't miss the PERSON as much as he might miss the sex and the attention. Because sex and attention... can easily be replaced - the PERSON and PERSONALITY can not.
(if that makes sense)
Some people are VERY capable of compartmentalizing their lives. Which means if they have an affair - the person they have an affair with is "separate" from their "main' life. They are that good (or bad) book they take down from the shelf and reread every now and then but not an important PART of their path. They are entertainment and distraction.
Other people MAY truly think they LOVE both people (the wife and the lover) but ... the main person they LOVE is themselves.
Are you asking this question because you are questioning your CHOICE to end the affair? Or because you are hoping HE too is hurting now that it's over? Because clearly, you are hurting.
All I can say is this. I don't know the guy you had an affair with so trying to GUESS why he is doing what he is doing, what he might or might not feel - it's impossible. More so, it's IRRELEVANT.
For you to move on, to reestablish WHO you are and WHAT standards you have - you HAVE to let him go. That also means STOP trying to waste time thinking what he may or may not feel, think, do. HE no longer MATTERS to you. He was part of your life for a certain period and there is no need to look back on that for ANY other reason than to figure out WHY you chose to BE a mistress. Why you made the choices you did. WHY? Because those are the questions YOU can answer.
His motives, actions, and words should no longer make a difference in YOUR life. ONLY your own. YOU need to not only take responsibility for those but accept them as well.
IF you have decided to turn a new leaf, then DO so without looking over your shoulder hoping he is in pain or pining for you. Even if he WAS, does that excuse how he lied to you? lied to his wife? Betrayed his family?
...............................
|
