A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend, of 3 years, yesterday. He'd been emotionally abandoning me for quite some time and we'd been having problems the last few months that we couldn't get past. I told him time and time again that I wouldn't keep "waiting" on him so yesterday, without hesitation, I blocked all forms of contact. I changed my numbers and did everything I could to go NC. I didn't tell him I was going to do so, I just did it. So, there was no "goodbye". I just...vanished.The problem I'm having, aside from being completely heartbroken and in the most horrible pain I've ever felt in my life, is I feel really guilty for breaking it off this close to Christmas. I keep telling myself that he neglected me on Thanksgiving (I ended up being alone) and many other times over the last 3 years and how I shouldn't feel bad, but I feel like I'm the worst person alive.I really need some encouraging words. I'm struggling to make it through this breakup, let alone the guilt that I'm feeling. I feel like my world has ended. I can't eat, sleep, and all I've done since yesterday is cry. God, this pain hurts so bad.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (7 December 2013):
Don't look back. It is what it is. You have done the right thing for you. No contact is the way to go. You need time to heal and grieve. It all takes time.
As for breaking up before Christmas there is never a good time to break up.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Take time to hit the gym, go back to school, take a course, read a book. Keep yourself busy. It will be a tough time. But breaking you always is when you care for someone.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 You have no reason to feel guilty, I remember your story, you had already given him plenty of " warning ", you had told him time and again which the issues were, and that you weren't happy, and what to do to fix things. He never did, at least not consistently in time. So, you did not just fell off the face of the Eart. I suppose your ex is an adult and as such he will know that actions have consequences. You do X, Y happens. And if you are unaware that when you do X , Y happens, but then you are repeatedly informed about it, - then it should come as no surprise that eventually Y happens any time- which could even be Christmas time. If he was adamant about NOT solving things around Xmas time, then what logically happens is that he gets dumped around Christmas time.
Plus, Xmas time ? You left him on Dec. 5th! 20 days before ! There are other important occasions in everybody's life : Birthday .. easter... summer vacatiobs... loved ones ' death anniversaries... college exams and job interviews... If you cannot leave people 20 days before Xmas, their birthday, their annual summer vacations, their scheduled surgery, etc.etc.- then when can you leave them ? Never ? As a matter of fact, tbh, I feel that maybe the " guilt " you feel about decamping on ( or, 20 days before ) Xmas could also be your attempt to give you herself an excuse to take your decision back and give yourself permission to contact him again, in the forgiving spirit of Xmas and all.
If it is like this... I would not do it. Resist temptation, stay string- you have done what was right for you. The day of the year does not matter, your wellbeing does.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Christmas, New Year, anniversary of his grandpa's demise, close to his birthday, his mother's birthday the dog's birthday ..... no matter what, it's possible no date would seem a suitable day to break up with somebody, but if your relationship was at an end, far better to voice the words sooner rather than later, why drag it out, regardless of if it is close to Christmas or not.
Regardless of who, how or when you will go through a grieving process, and your feeling bad is more likely part of this.
From your initial question and your follow-up I think you have done the right thing, so one foot in front of the other until one day you wake up with the guilt gone and him well and truly in the past.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Ahhh just read your update, sorry. That does make sense. If you felt he would talk you back into it, then you did the right thing. You definitely needed to do what you did and don't think twice. you're doing what's right and healthy and fair for YOU for a change. keep your head up. You're doing the right thing and you're gonna be just fine.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 December 2013):
i don't think you should feel bad about breaking up with him so close to christmas. what you should kinda feel bad about is the fact that you didn't even break up with your boyfriend, period. you just left him and fell off the earth. honestly, that's a pretty horrible thing to do.
nothing in this world is more harsh than completely ignoring someone. it's a million times worse than even being verbally abusive and harsh. it's a really bad way to break up with someone. you may have warned him you were going to do it. and he may deserve being dumped. but he deserves to be TOLD it's over. everyone deserves that closure.
regardless, you shouldn't feel guilty about it being christmas time. if you needed to end it, you needed to end it. that's all there is to it.
good luck. you'll feel better soon.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Firstly... you have done the right thing.
Don't feel bad, as you said, he mistreated you and you needed to end the relationship. You haven't hurt him... you have only hurt yourself by staying so long.
It will get better, just focus on yourself for a while and think about what YOU want. Enjoy being able to think about yourself and not anyone else. Will you see friends and family for Christmas? Put your energy into having a good time with them.
Good luck with everything, everything will work out for the best.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 December 2013):
Okay, makes more sense now.
I think it's better to break up with someone before Christmas than after...I mean, so many people will stay with someone they don't even want to be with because their birthday is coming up or a holiday is coming up. So they wait and then the dumpee is dumbfounded because they had just spent their birthday or holiday with their boyfriend or girlfriend and then they suddenly get dumped.
I agree, you need to surround yourself with friends and family. If you already warned him and he just kept acting like a jerk, then that's his problem, he probably just didn't believe you would do anything. So do your best to keep your mind off the situation and spend time with friends and family. No contact is the best thing to do after a breakup in my opinion, you heal a lot faster. It's horrible at first, but then you start feeling a little better each day. More so than if you keep in contact, it just hinders you from moving on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, it wasn't a LDR. We live about 30 mins apart. We were very much real life. He hasn't come by because he doesn't a car at the moment. He does, just not right now.
Also, I didn't tell him yesterday that it was over but a week prior I talked to him and told him things would be ending if he kept mistreating me. He kept on so I ended it. He knew I would break up with him, he just didn't know when. This isn't a situation where I misled him. He had been treating me like shit for quite some time so I had no other choice than to leave the relationship. Texting him to say "it's over" would've caused him to manipulate me back, just like he did many times before. This was the BEST route for me to take. I just feel bad at doing so before Christmas.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Was this an LDR?
If you are feeling so guilty, just write him a letter and apologize while at the same time explaining why you felt the need to end the relationship completely.
Part of the guilt is probably the fact that you broke it off so abruptly. Again, I go back to the question of it being an LDR; if he was local, he could just stop by your place and wait until you come home to ask what the heck is going on with you. So as you feel you ended it by changing numbers and presumably social networks, that tells me you two did not live nearby and interact in the real world.
Where are your girlfriends in this? I would line up all your girlfriends, and family and let them know what's going on and get their support and encouraging words.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 December 2013):
Wait...what? You "broke up" with your boyfriend of 3-years by just falling off the face of the Earth?! No wonder why you feel guilty! I know you want some encouraging words, but that's not a very nice way to break with up with someone you've been with for 3-years.
Maybe you would feel better if you actually broke up with him and at least created some form of closure and then go into no contact?
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