A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together for 10yrs. and she is putting on a fair amount of weight. I have tried to get her to exercise and move but it is very hard to get her motivated. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 December 2013):
 what are you trying to motivate her with?
money?
sex?
clothes?
motivation has to come from her own inner core.
is her weight a medical issue or was she very thin and has picked up some baby/middle aged weight and is just a bit more curvy.
there's a huge difference between 20 pounds overweight and 60 pounds overweight.
I will tell you that YOU wanting her to lose weight means jack.... SHE has to want it...
do you need to lose weight?
also are you aware how much harder it is for women (esp middle aged women) to lose weight vs. men?
A
male
reader, J.B  +, writes (7 December 2013):
Obviously this is a bit of a touchy subject to approach because you do not want to damage her self esteem. Are you in good shape yourself? Do you workout regularly? If not, it is a bit hypocritical. If you do keep yourself fit, I can understand where you are coming from and I hope my suggestions help.I suggest maybe taking a joining a joint fitness class especially something along the lines of martial art classes. I have seen a lot of people join my kickboxing classes and as long as they are consistent it really does help you shed the pounds. Also with something like this it develops new skills, confidence and ability while helping your become healthier.Also maybe try something like a dance class where you can both go to enjoy yourselves and burn those calories at the same time.Diet is key is maintaining a healthy body and mind so just take a look at your diets. See if there is any ways you could cut back a few calories here and there or swap out a few unhealthy meals for something richer in nutrients and not so high in calories.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Unfortunately this is the age when metabolism slows down and weight gain occurs. From this it will only get worse. She needs to start doing something right now. You can't motivate a person, only maybe start doing it together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): First you should take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you have the right to ask this of her. If you are not overweight then yes. If you have maintained your body for her, then yes you have the right to want her to lose the weight. But if you are flabby and overweight yourself then you would be a hypocrite and jerk for wanting her to do what you won't or can't.Ok so assuming you pass the above test. You just have to be honest with her that you want her to lose weight. You don't have to be mean about it but you have to be honest that it is because you want to preserve the sexual chemistry in the relationship. Don't do what many people would which is trying to manipulate her to lose weight without being honest why. Just talking about "health " may not be enough. Overweight people know it is unhealthy to be that way. So clearly health doesn't motivate them to lose the weight thus if you hide behind "being healthy" as a manipulation tool it likely won't work. She isn't motivated to be healthy now so why would she be just because you bring it up? You're telling her anything she doesn't already know about how it is better to be healthy. Then you will end up frustrated that manipulation didn't work and she is still overweight. That's why I believe you have to be honest and say it is because of sexual attraction. Is it going to hurt her feelings? Yes but to different degrees depending on how you say it and the attitude you have when you tell her. You need to be gentle and non judgmental, because she will likely instinctively feel hurt and judged as it is. So don't expect her to embrace your words. It will take time for her to get over that reaction and hopefully think about it. The truth has to be said. Let her decide if she cares enough about her marriage to do her part to maintain the sexual health of the relationship. You are married so you should be able to be honest. She should be willing to hear you out even it she feels hurt, provided you show her respect when upu bring up the truth. If she doesn't lose weight long term and this is her new normal, then your marriage is going downhill and will reach a new normal as well of being asexual and platonic at best or full of seething resentment and lies. Don't let it get to that stage. Be honest now and respect her enough to tell her the truth and let her decide if she wants to do her part to maintain the sexual part of her marriage. Be prepared that the answer might be no. She might believe you should stay attracted sexually to her no matter what. If that happens I don't think the marriage will be a healthy one. But at least give her that chance and you must be willing to work with her if she is willing to work on her weight. But first make sure you have the right to ask this of her in the first place. You had better not be overweight yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): Either suggest that you are feeling out of shape or mention that you heard about someone your age who died due to factors relating to an unhealthy lifestyle and say that you are worried and want both of you to make changes to make sure you are still around for a long time. I'm sure she knows she's overweight but losing it is a difficult task to face, especially if she is feeling bad about herself now. It's hard to find the motivation when you don't feel great. Please don't just tell her that you want her to lose weight as that could crush her self esteem and make it even harder to do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I definitely think leading by example would be your best bet. If my boyfriend suggested I should eat healthier or exercise more, without offering for us to do it together, I would be pretty unhappy.
Most importantly, you should let her know that you love her and think she is beautiful no matter what. Destroying her self esteem not only won't motivate her to get "healthy", it can lead to a plethora of extra problems.
I also agree with going to the doctor. Maybe ask her if she's feeling ok, you've noticed she has less energy, or whatever. I gained a lot of weight and it turned out that I have hypothyroidism. Good to get all that sorted out :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Make an appointment for both of you at the doctor's office to make sure she doesn't have an underlying medical issue that is causing her weight gain and lack of motivation. Hypothyroidism, menopause, depression, arthritis, diabetes, ovarian cysts, problems with the liver, kidney or heart could be the underlying cause.
Assuming you get her on a treadmill won't fix those problems.
So, first stop is the doctor's office.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 December 2013):
Do you exercise? I only ask, because if you don't, then maybe you can get into it together...and it might be a little hypocritical if you aren't fit yourself.
Also, losing weight is pretty much 80% diet, 20% exercise. So look into that and let you know you want to start eating healthier (if you aren't already) and that it'll help if she joins.
I don't see any "nice" way of telling your wife she needs to lose some weight, I'm sure she already knows. I can only suggest you saying that you want to make a change to be healthier together.
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