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Do you my find it appropriate for a woman to sit on your husband's lap?

Tagged as: Friends, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2014) 15 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My husband and I were with friends last night. We were playing a party game and my husband drew a card which made him "Santa Claus." Two of our male friends sat on his lap as a joke and I also sat on my husband's lap. But then one of our friends girlfriends also sat on his lap. This was the first time I'd ever met the girl and I was very uncomfortable with her sitting on my husbands lap like that.

It was part of a game so I'm trying to shake it off but none of the other wife's sat on his lap and I'd never dream of plopping down in any of their husbands laps. I tried to stop it before it happened and said "no" (Which my husband heard) but the girl sat on him anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with this situation and I'm not sure what to do. It really upset me.

It upset me that my husband didn't stop it or do anything but let her sit on his lap. My husband is NOT the touchy feely type at all.

I'm even more uncomfortable because he's met this girl twice before now (I was out of town visiting family) and went on and on describing her to me and saying how much he liked her.

Very uncomfortable.

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A female reader, agneeman South Africa +, writes (31 March 2014):

agneeman agony auntFishy.

I smell a rat.

The game being used as an excuse to disrespect you.

Yoy DO NOT SIT ON ANOTHER WOMANS HUSBANDS LAP. HELLNO.

I do not like it one bit. Liberalist bullshit.

I'm a liberalist, but this is bullshit.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntBecause it was part of the game, I would not be upset either.

Now if it was not a game and you walked into a room and found a woman sitting on your partner's lap and he seemed to be allowing it or encouraging it, then yes you have an issue WITH YOUR PARTNER.... but in the context you presented..

sorry OP you are over the line and your discomfort is misplaced.

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A male reader, RevMick United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2014):

RevMick agony auntIt was a game and everyone was sitting on everyone else's laps. Now if you were at an event or pub and a woman sat on your husband's lap then yes.

I've seen office parties, functions etc where one woman or man who has had too much to drink, works with your partner and then fauns over them. Tugging his or her ear, giving each other hugs etc. That may be a cause of concern, or just drunken friendliness.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2014):

Honeypie agony auntNo I wouldn't be upset if it was part of the game and EVERYONE else sat on his lap.

If you can't handle that, you need to stop playing these games. IT was meant as fun. Not for her to seduce him.

I think your husband was talking about her afterwards because he was impressed that she didn't act awkward about it. And I think THAT is what chafes your hiney, the fact that he talked about her, NOT that she sat on his lap.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 March 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Hey you got lucky :) , at least they weren't playing Twister. Or spin the bottle.

Relax OP, it was just a game, a parlour game. The intention is what counts ,and it does not sound like anybody was hitting on anybody, it was just for laughs. If you take these things so seriously why did you not get upset when the MEN sat on his lap ?, for all you know they were trying to seduce your husband too !

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (31 March 2014):

Ciar agony auntI can understand not liking it, but I wouldn't act on it and I wouldn't blame your husband for not acting on it.

The woman didn't plunk herself down in his lap after a night of flirting or anything. It was done in the context of a game in which others participated.

Just because your husband didn't throw the woman off or reprimand her, doesn't mean he secretly loved it. It was just as awkward a moment for him, probably, as it was for you.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 March 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntIn a word, yes, it's just a bit wierd but it is fun.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 March 2014):

chigirl agony auntI would say.. that when you grow older these things matter very little. It was a game. You need to lighten up, not everything is to be taken dead serious.

I'm not that much older than you, but you strike me as too stuck up. Sorry. You need to stop taking everything so seriously. He's married to you, do you think he'll just run away with another woman if she sits on his lap? This girl wasn't single either. There was absolutely nothing going on, it was a game, and meant to be funny.

When I was 19 and abroad on vacation, the hotel arranged party games for the guests. I got picked out to play along, as well as several others. One of the contests was to see what lady could get a tennis ball the fasted through a mans pants.... In the one leg, and out the other. So there I was, groping a complete stranger on his crotch to get the ball through. Along with 7 other women and the poor men, lol. And it was hysterically funny, I laugh even today.

By your standards we were probably all adulterers?

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A female reader, Flower89  +, writes (30 March 2014):

Flower89 agony auntNo offence but your making a big deal out of nothing. You had no problem with the 2 men sitting on his lap but the girl joined and u did? Clearly she did it just for a laugh, now your insecure about it? If either of them had anything to hide they wouldn't have been that obvious to do that right infront of you, would they? Of course not, your making a mountain out of nothing, he was santa for goodness sake! End of and lighten up!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014):

I think "no" is a bit of a questionable thing to say purely because it was a game and there was nothing malicious or sexual behind it. You would have embarrassed her more by treating her like a child than it would've been awkward for her when none of the other women did it.

If you barely knew her and were playing a game that could have results like this, why was she invited?

Now, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but I think you need to let it go. It wasn't her fault that he got Santa and I doubt she read the rule book that only men could make jokes (sarcasm, yes, but not meant in a hurtful way). It could have happened to anyone, she probably did it to fit in and only after realised no other woman was going to do it.

DID he get touchy feely? If not, then you know it wasn't sexual on his part either.

That said, your HUSBAND is the one going on about her - that's not HER fault, she just made a faux par.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 March 2014):

It was all a part of the game.

Some women would have been upset that other grown-men were sitting on her husband's lap. There are too many unrelated factors you're adding-up to build a case against that girl; but you should shrug it off anyway.

Those factors being; they've met before, you apparently don't trust your husband, he said he liked her, you're acting immature, and embarrassed yourself by calling out "no!" Now the other ladies know how touchy you are. They will discuss it in your absence. Wondering what's the deal?

I can see a combination of all those factors would amount to some discomfort. What I called immature, is the lingering irritation over an unplanned incident that everyone else participated in all in fun. You turned it into a woman having an affair with your husband.

Seriously?!!

People do still find other people attractive even after they get married. They do not lose all senses and become immune to their feelings, once they plant a wedding ring on their finger. Insecurity and distrust kills relationships.

If she is inappropriately flirtatious with your husband, and he's inappropriately reciprocating; that's one thing. Just stewing over something that wasn't planned is another. Maybe she was a little opportunistic; but how is that your husband's fault? They both had their clothes on in a room full of people, which included you!

Advice to talk to him and make a big deal out of is only pandering to your insecurity, and reinforcing the fact you don't trust your husband. It is also giving credence to your overreaction to to this situation.

If you want to talk to your husband, let it be more productive. Tell him, if you're feeling insecure about his fidelity and why. Then present solid evidence that supports your reasoning. Otherwise; if he has been consistently faithful up to now, let his past record speak for itself.

Women will flirt with your husband. Men will flirt with you.

Unless you live on Mars.

If you need to get it off your chest, then do it. You're his wife and your feelings about things are important. No matter how small. Bear in mind, you create problems when you make him feel you don't trust him.

If he should become suspicious of you; and started thinking you may have a thing for one of the other husbands. How would that make you feel? You'd want some reasonable evidence describing any behavior on your part to support that suspicion. Other than saying you liked them, or met them before he did.

Otherwise; chalk it up to just an awkward moment at a party, where everyone had drinks and adults were acting like children. Only one jealous little girl took her grudge home from the playground.

Come on. Don't be like that. If you have reason to distrust your husband, then deal with that.

Don't blow that one incident out of proportion. You can add it to a list of things that may be establishing a pattern. That would be justification for being so uncomfortable about the last incident.

Otherwise; chill out. Get a grip, girlfriend.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe key issue, in our submittal, is did your "Mister" have a stiffy when this woman sat on his lap.....

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (30 March 2014):

TasteofIndia agony auntOkay, I can see why you're uncomfortable. However - it was just a game, he did draw 'Santa Clause" and her boyfriend was right there. Maybe she felt uncomfortable too because she thought everyone was going to do it, but then it was just her and.... awkward.

I think that this was a weird moment, but I don't think that it was anything more than innocent. If you feel strongly, then I'd tell your husband that you felt weird about it, and then I'd let it go. Good luck!

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (30 March 2014):

TELLULAH agony auntwell I can see your point, and I wouldn't like it either. that said though, it does depend on how friendly you all are. my husband would think nothing of me sitting on one of his mates laps, he trust's me and I would never hurt him. perhaps if you just talk to him and tell him how you felt, tell him not to let it happen again. Hope it all works out x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014):

Because it was part of a game, I would let that part go, I know it may seem inappropriate but she may have felt that it was helping her to ease in to a group of people that she doesn't know well.

What's done is done. But talk to your husband about it and explain how you feel, if he heard that you didn't approve of the situation then he shouldn't have allowed it to continue. But speak to him calmly about it and just explain that you don't approve but don't make it sound like you're telling him what to do because it could have the opposite effect.

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