A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for just over four years now. We have had a rocky relationship, many hurdles along the way but overcome each and every one of them.I have trust issues, I don’t partially trust people and find it difficult to open up and make new friends, I feel they will hurt me and that plays a challenging factor in my life and obviously relationship.Then four years ago there was this woman I opened up too and I loved every bone in her body but on many ooccasios she would choose to lie to me about who she was seeing or where she was going. As I say we overcome many hurdles or lies should I refer to them as, I find out and we argue then we move on. Many people would have told me to leave her before now and many did! But two months ago she did something I cannot seem to forgive or forget. She choose to send flirtatious texts to an ex of hers and the ex decided to send suggestive messages in return. Once I found out this stopped as far as I am aware but there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think about it. It has put huge strain on the relationship in all ways, I don’t trust her, we have no active sex life, there is no romance or passion and we argue all the time, apparently I was showing her enough attention at the time that resulted in her doing that.Since then twice I have said I couldn’t deal with it and was leaving her but she convinced me to stay and told this ex not to contact her anymore, I’m not convinced she sent the message telling her that but how do I know? Usually you go on trust and I don’t trust her.Do you ever get trust back in a relationship and if it’s possible how on earth do you get it back? Am I wasting my time kidding myself they still aren’t in contact? Am I not even giving her a chance to make things right now without waiting for her to mess up again?If I stay I lose because I’m always fretting, worrying and very insecure that I’m not good enough for her to need to run back to an ex but if I go I loose the woman I love.That thing called trust seems to make or break a relationship
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 You rarely hear people say this, yet it's so, so true.
Trust=love and love=trust.
If you have no trust, you have no love, therefore you have no relationship.
You cannot say that you love somebody, YET you do not TRUST them.
It does not work this way.
To you, you may believe that you love your gf, but find it almost impossible to trust her, but if you don't trust her, then you can't possibly truly love her.
Your partner has given you reason to lose trust in her, so it appears you've also lost your love for her.
If you say you do love her, then why not trust her and give her the benefit of the doubt?
You are "choosing" to stay with her, even if she's doing her best to keep you there.
If you really wanted to leave her, you'd have well done it by now.
As i see it, she's left you with many unanswered questions, but again, that's because you're not going directly to her to get all your answers.
You must find out now, has she definitely ceased all contact with this other person and if so, will she promise not to make contact again?
Also, is she likely to flirt with somebody else in the future, or will she commit herself fully to you?
If you guys have any chance of success at saving your relationship, you need to speak to her and the sooner the better and you could both do with some couples counselling too, just to get to the root cause of everything that's going on within your relationship.
Very often, counselling will help to make things more clear to both parties, making it much easier to know what to do.
I would also tell your partner that you do not trust her, because it's crucial that she knows this and i think it's the right thing to do.
No matter what, you always do the right thing and take the higher ground.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (2 November 2017):
At Dear Cupid we tend to have a very binary view of relationships, mainly because that is what suits most well balanced people the best- ie you are either with someone, or you aren't. When you're with them. You are sexually monogamous, and you can empathise with them that if you are intimate another, emotionally or physically it will be a breach of the trust or contract that they have formally(marriage) or informally made with you. Most consider it a grave betrayal, but as other aunts have said it can be forgiven if it was born of exceptional circumstances. The betrayer normally accepts fault and vows never to transgress like that ever again.This can lead to forgiveness and the rebuilding of trust. In your case thus hasn't really happened so the rebuilding of trust can't really occur.In other scenarios, there will be one member of a couple who, through some idiosyncratic element of their character will come to terms with serial cheating and accept it as part of being with the other person. Normally this occurs when they have an investment in the relationship which they deem greater than the harm this philandering does, wealth, children, genius, spectacular in bed etc. Sometimes they believe their self worth is so little that this is all the deserve. If these things do not describe you do not fall for her attempts to deflect the blame. If they do, then have a long think about what you'd accept. Personally she'd have to look like Cara Delavigne and think like Victoria Coren! Honestly, the holes in a relationship are like holes in a knitted top- they unravel and get bigger in time. I am a team with my wife and I know if she is with me, noone can be against us. It's more powerful a feeling than even the roaring torrent of first love. I'd pick that anytime. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): You can't trust her and with good reason. She can't be trusted.
I've been there and I understand.
But how much of this can you take before you have an emotional break down?? You're already there, OP.
Realize her behavior has nothing to do with you not being good enough.
In fact, quite the opposite.
SHE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH for you.
I'd say leave now.
She isn't going to change. And she isn't going to stop contacting her EX and potentially OTHER women too.
Cheating is a sickness and an addiction and if she doesn't get therapy as to why she is a compulsive cheater, she will only be doomed to keep repeating her mistakes. And pity the trail of broken hearted women she leaves behind.
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A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay +, writes (2 November 2017):
 I myself have been in the circumstance unfortunately. Trust will not be gained if there is no effort from her because you simply won't want to trust her.As someone said earlier, if she isnt apologetic for her wrongs in the relationship why would you want to get things back how they were. My advice to you would be to have a break and just see how she reacts. If she shows interest in other people or another person then the relationship simply isn't worth saving. You might even find time does you some good too
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (2 November 2017):
 A relationship can maybe survive if someone cheats once if there are extreme circumstances and it's a ONE OFF- but even then the trust is crazy hard to get back..
-As an already un-trusting person, how WILL you ever be trust someone that has been messing around with others and LIED on MORE THAN ONE occasion?? I 100% believe you won't.
Any sane person would NEVER be with someone they don't trust- subject themselves to a life of constant paranoia, feelings they're unloved/unwanted/ don't measure up and NEVER knowing if anything said or shared is even REAL.
But that's the thing- love can make you insane.
What do you love about her? That she treats you like dirt.. a serial cheater is not someone of great character.
I guess she's likely really beautiful and charming and manipulative though... well there's billions of beautiful women out there of BETTER character than her.. stop seeing her through love coloured tints.
Mate people lose people they love dearly everyday- look at all the people on this site, who constantly get abused and screwed over because they just "can't leave because they love too much.." Well it's no life and they, YOU all deserve better
Get real. She's not loyal to you. Look at that saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"- that sums this up perfectly. Don't be a hapless fool- man up and take the plunge of finding a woman that WON'T fool YOU around, behind your back. It's only going to get worse if yuo stay
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (2 November 2017):
 If she had said to you "I was an idiot. I messed up. I am really sorry and will do whatever you need me to do so you can trust me again" then I would have thought your relationship might have at least a fair chance of getting back on track.
HOWEVER, blaming YOU for the fact SHE was messing around does not really bode well. What happens next time she feels neglected? Will she discuss it with you and allow you to put it right, or will she go running to her ex? You wonder whether you should give her time to make things right, but she did not afford you that same courtesy.
It is all well and good making grand gestures like messaging the ex to never contact her again but, firstly, as you rightly say, there is no saying she actually SENT the message (because you already don't trust her) and, secondly, there is nothing to stop HER contacting the ex. Also there is nothing to say she has not contacted the ex and said "listen, I need to send you this message because I am getting a hard time over contacting you, but it is just for show".
You already have extensive experience of her lying. You very obviously don't trust her otherwise you would not be checking her phone. This is NOT a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination.
I know you say you love her but love is NOT all you need, despite what the songs tell you. Given that you are someone who finds it hard to trust in the first place, only you know if you will ever be able to trust this woman again or whether you will spend every waking hour wondering what she is up to - as you do now. That is no life and it WILL eventually kill any love.
Do you want to spend years feeling like you do? Or would you rather draw a line under the relationship now, take time to heal and then find someone who deserves your trust?
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