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Do any girls here go to bars alone?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 16 October 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been on my own for a long time now. It has been bothering me for a while but it has only become a problem recently. I don't have particularly great coping skills and the feelings of loneliness have become overwhelming. I really need to make some changes/progress. I am a college student and I hang out at this coffee shop frequently but haven't been able to make friends or attract anybody, I go to the gym at school about three times a week but nobody there wants to talk with me.

I am 23 years old but I don't really drink much. I have been considering going to a bar to meet people but I'm not sold on the idea. As stated I was wondering if any girls have done this? I worry about it possibly being dangerous going alone. I also don't really know how people interact at bars (if they go with friends and stick with those friends, if they go with dates, do strangers even interact with each other). Any thoughts on the idea are appreciated.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (16 October 2017):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

I am female and when i was much younger, NO, i did not go to any bars alone.

Not only can it be dangerous, especially in this day and age, but it can also make a woman look desperate to guys within that bar.

I have a son who is a bit older than you and seriously, i would not encourage him nor you to "hang out" at bars, or anywhere at night, that could pose any danger to you.

Many bars and night clubs can be quite sleazy and easy when it comes to attracting other people.

Often many young people have been drinking and may not even be fully compos mentis, so overall, a bad way to start any conversation or healthy connection.

There are a thousand better ways and places, by which you can meet people around your age group and get to know them in a more stable and natural environment.

Try joining a hobby group, try joining a sporting group/club, try meeting like minded people online and organise to meet them in person sooner rather than later, so as to assess their legitimacy.

Online meetings can be dangerous, they can be fake, but not all are, so always try to keep an open mind when doing so and don't allow anybody to lead you on for months or years on end, as this can also have a devastating impact on many people.

If you are carrying mental stress or weight and you feel you're not coping with specific things in your life, then i'd seriously suggest that you make an appointment to visit your GP and have a private chat with he/she.

This is always a good starting point to get you back on the right track.

Good luck and let me know how you get on. :-)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy don't you socialize more with people in your class? If you are at college then surely you share the same interests as some in your class? Also is there not social groups and events at the college that you can attend? Learn to smile more and be more approachable and friendly, say hello to more people.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (13 October 2017):

malvern agony auntYou need to join some sort of social organisation and get to know other girls of your own age. From there you will then probably start drifting into a social life with them. I suggest going to some sort of dancing classes. This could be Line Dancing, Swing dancing, Ceroc (also known as French Jive). All of those you could go to on your own as you don't particularly need to have a partner. There is also Ballroom dancing which unfortunately is sadly lacking in men and girls have to dance together a lot which is a shame. Dance schools / organisations are fantastic friendly places where you are always made to feel welcome. It doesn't matter if you think you're no good at it - just GO and give it a try. It will change your life !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2017):

Why don't you volenteer at a chairty run?Those are so much fun you meet alot of people and they feed you too.You could volunteer at a museum.What are you taking in school?Try and find something that you can volenteer for that can give you extra credit.You could also get a part time job to meet people.If you do not drink you might not like hanging out in a bar that is why all thease volunteer suggestions.Volentering also looks good on scolarship forms.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (12 October 2017):

Well, I'm a long-term singleton and I've done loads of things on my own including going to pubs and bars. If you're sensible and stick to basic safety guidelines (not over-drinking, not leaving your drink unattended, making sure you can get home safely etc etc) - it's not as dangerous as people might make out. I've never been assaulted or robbed or anything really bad happen to me.

But I have had to deal with some very "colourful characters" and sometimes that has been quite unnerving.

However, if you are looking to make friends by socialising in pubs and bars on your own you need to be a fairly confident and gregarious person. And I get the impression that you're more shy and reticent.

I think it's a much better idea to join some clubs and societies, like some of the other aunties have suggested. What are your hobbies?

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A female reader, Beach1908 United States +, writes (12 October 2017):

I just want to acknowledge you and tell u I feel the exact same way - and I got a job working at the bars for a month now and all I have seen is drunk men Making comments and giving me the attention that I don't think would make my loneliness go away. Loneliness is weird because I keep myself busy and I still feel it. I don't think the bar is the solution it's just you looking internally and figuring out what is causing all of this.? And trust me I have been friends and have gone out 5 out of the seven days in a week and still have felt lonely because it's not about how much friends you have or how many people notice u- I guess it's internally- this is what people here have told me and therapy.

1. Stop focusing on that ur alone- ur not(if u don't have family u have faith )

2. Ur so young I wish I could go back to being 23- u can and will experience a lot more

3. Relax and don't think about it - go out and get involved - hats what I am doing I got a part time job ( I am working non stop so I don't think about my loneliness)

Trust me though I have tried ur methods coming from a woman that is 7 years older than u - they don't work

Good luck

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (12 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntYou've got everything to live for- and don't need to resort to crawling bars on your OWN looking for what... love? In a bar?

Honestly it's an unwholesome attitude and people will smell your desperation- because no to answer your question- it's not the usual thing to see a lonely girl drinking alone, in the usual bar atmosphere- bars are, when it comes down to it, for socializing/ getting laid

Obviously to second Honeypie, getting drunk alone in public makes you VERY vulnerable

I agree you should find something that makes you happy, like a hobby. Gym is good for you but it isn't exactly a passion- unless you make it one. When you're absorbed in something you love or have something to constantly practise you will not feel like there's such a hole in your life. What are you studying? I'm sure you could find something somewhere that piques your interest

We have all been lonely and felt low about it. But men are dispensable- your ability to make yourself happy isn't and will fill that hole.

Take care

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (12 October 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntWhere are you getting this hopelessness from? You're at college studying to make steps to improve yourself and you're young, free and HEALTHY

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIf I were you I'd look into clubs at your college that you could be interested in joining and meeting people that way. The coffee shop is hard because a LOT of people go there to be "left" alone over a cup of coffee which makes people less inclined to try and meet someone there.

Same with the GYM. I always found it annoying when people were trying to chat me up at the gym, that isn't why I was there.

Or I would look for meet-up apps/forums and see what comes of that.

Would I go out drinking alone? No. I think whether you drink a little or a lot, having a "buddy" is ALWAYS smart. I used to go out drinking alone (in my 20's) because I knew I would run into friends. So in a sense, it wasn't really going out to a bar alone.

Going out ALONE to places where you DON'T know anyone and then adding alcohol is NOT a safe thing. Not for a 23-year-old girl OR guy.

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