A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a father to a 17 year old girl. A little over a month ago i gave her permission to stay at her friend's house during Easter recess. She DID go, because i called one day and spoke to her mom who then passed the phone. Fine. I was proud of her. NOW, last week i overheard her tell another friend about the great time she had at the show over on "SO and SO" park. That park is about 60 miles from her friend's which means she was driven. Also, that park likes to have mini-concerts that the people from the community pay for through a local restaurant that pays for the permit etc.. totally legitimate. But the band that usually plays there is a local band that my daughter has a crush on one of the musicians. I am not too crazy about my daughter and musicians at age 17 since I myself am a musician and I know how that can get between a band guy and the so-called "groupie".I was upset, very upset and when she hung up the phone i confronted her about it and she was honest enough to tell me that yes, she went to the show, her friends dad drove them and picked them up at 2am. But i know for a fact that the permit is only up to midnight. i left it at that because i really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she didnt meet this guy after the show. But, she left her facebook chat window open as she went to the basement. The telephone rang and it's by the computer. AS i am taking the message for my wife, i just glanced at the screen and came across this conversation with her friend, the one she stood over with. I didnt get a chance to high-light everything because i heard my daughter coming back upstairs. So i am going to explain how the conversation started and then post the rest of the actual chat. It started with her friend telling my daughter that she still cant stop laughing about how life-like the mannequin at the department store looked wearing nothing but those silly tight underwears. And the the rest of the conversation goes like this:My Daughter: Oh the Underwear!! hahha no wonder you sound SO HAPPY!....I'm reminded of that dream I had last week...the night we went to the park concert.....bahahahaHer Friend: OMG. YES! I miss that dream. And the "Look at these two CRACKAS!" dream as well.My Daughter: ahahahaha I almost forgot about that one...Her Friend: I don't think I'll ever forget it. O_O Your dream will always amuse me as well. Thank god our minds are similarly twisted!My Daughter: hahaha i remember having to tell you as soon as I woke up! I was like "ummm so listen..." hahahaHer Friend: That ruled so hard. My only regret was that it wasn't reality...yet. MUAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!My Daughter: I don't just "like" that comment....I LOVE it. hahaha*****NOW, Lets take care of the "Look at those two CRACKAS" remark. We are Irish. White. So in case anyone thinks I am from another race raising my daughter to use remarks like that, NO. Sol i have no idea what that was about. But, doesnt this sound like it was a planned chat? To throw me off and convince me that she didnt meet this musician after the show? WHAT DREAM COULD SHE HAVE HAD THAT DEALS WITH UNDERWEAR?? And why did her friend have to specifically make sure that the rest of the viewing audience know that "it wasn't reality...yet. MUAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!"This boy is 21. So legally if they had sex, which is what any parent would think especially after this conversation which looks to cleverly planned, I cant do anything. But as long as she's under my roof, I can definitely notify her friend's parents and tell them the type of things their own daughter is capable of, and i would definitely ground her-- making the punishment fit the crime. But before I do that, I would really appreciate feedback to assure me that I am not over exaggerating. A female's opinion would be even better as long as she doesnt sound like she is defending my daughter. ANYONE CARE TO GIVE IT A SHOT?? LOL
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2011):
 advice duh
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 June 2011):
Hey OP, what was the advise you were looking for again?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Your arguments are not quite up to snuff sir.
In the state i live in there is no curfew for under 18. never has been. there are driving curfews but that's not the same thing.
Since I do not know what state you live in I cannot comment on your laws.
and to be honest at age 17 your daughter is borderline adult and you would more than likely NOT be found endangering the welfare of a MINOR... in addition I'm sure you are well aware of the blue culture and know full well that your brothers in blue will protect you should something actually occur.
sadly for you, you're credibility here is being questioned and I can clearly see why.
I hope you can find the peace you need to resolve this issue in your own mind because if you don't you will more than likely estrange this child that you profess to love and want to protect so much....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionK_C100, I became a cop at 23. A musician at 16. Played in a band from 18-20 while attending college. Just because i havent played in a band in over 20 years does not mean that I am not a musician. I still pickup the Fender and jam in the basement with friends on occasion. I still pay union dues because when i want the extra cash I'll answer any ad where a guitarist is needed for a weekend gig or private party. So yea, a cop can be a musician and still be a dad. If you think i need help, its because you still havent read thoroughly the definition of "endangering the welfare of a child" which is what you'll be facing When the police picks up your 17 year old at a rave club doing drugs past curfew which in most states is 11pm if youre under 18. All because you wanna be one of those cool moms, right? Good luck.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 So you're an 8-4 policeman and a musician, and an expert profiler of people's ages online?! If you really are such a busy man man that might explain why you got my age completely wrong! Try adding another 8 years to your blind guess and you might be a bit nearer the mark.
I think most of us have nothing left to say to you now, it appears you have some pretty deep rooted issues with your daughter being taken from you by social services and taking your supposed 'badge' off you, I think you need help from a professional rather than from the aunts and uncles here on DC who can only give their opinions on what you wrote.
I hope you find some help from somewhere and can finally relax a bit, all this anger and concocting stories in your head can't be good for your health.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha1 i didnt forget you. but i have tied up with alot of stuff here. my wife gets home around 8am just as daughter is walking out the door. She finds herself falling asleep around 11 and wakes around 6 giving herself one hour to see our daughter. I work from 8-4 but have to be at roll call at 730. So i see my daughter from about 630 on. Which is why my wife pretty much leaves the discipling to me but i let her know in advance what i plan on doing. But in this incident, she is just as shocked as i am and doesnt really have much of a solution because if she were to set some type of punishment, it would look almost hypocritical since she hardly talks to my daughter except for the weekends. Shes good with her in that she takes her with her to get her hair done, nails, grocery shopping, etc. She probably doesnt want to ruin that mother/daughter bond. Anyway, thats a brief rundown. I will get back to you later on. Again thanks to all.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Don't worry about answering, OP. I only asked because you seem to completely leave your wife's viewpoint on this completely out of the story. If you're a cop then I'm sure you are very concerned that you'll be arrested and charged with child-endangerment of his 17 year old daughter. You must avoid being embarrassed, I know, it's critical to your career. I expect being the 9 to 5, M-F type of cop puts you in a different category than the ones who work nights and weekends. Maybe they look for ways to harrass you?
At any rate, it appears she survived and wasn't mugged, raped or murdered and is able to joke with a girlfriend and possibly plot how to fool good ol' dad with a headfake via a facebook message, though the jury is still out on that last count. Maybe she is her father's daughter after all, lol!
I guess you have learned what you have to do the next time she plans a sleepover and that a longer and more careful conversation with the parents is in order.
Well, she'll be 18 in less than a year and then she'll be entitled to make all her own mistakes without endangering your reputation or your career. Hang in there. Peace out.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2011):
I never said you punished her why are you constantly defending yourself about that?
The statement I made was the assumption that if you are this upset about this event that the parenting of your child has been this strict and controlling all along.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): exaggerating. teenagers are teenagers. they act crazy, i sure as heck did! i said things, acted inappropriately, and remained a virgin all throughout my teen years while doing so. she's probably just having fun, not having sex anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 + ?, writes (3 June 2011):
"I'm still waiting to hear what her mom has to say about all of this. Just because she works the graveyard shift doesn't mean she's not awake and present for some of the parenting duties. Surely she has an opinion about this incident?"
TISHA I REALLY appreciate your time...AS well as all the others. YOU, I'm going to respond a bit later..like within an hour or two..it's now 2:22pm East Coast time..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question So_Very_Confused + ?, writes (3 June 2011):
"Or maybe she knows that your behavior, OP is a bit over the top and a bit too controlling for someone who in less than a year is going to legally be an adult?"
OR MAYBE YOU'RE reading what you want to hear..Tell me one thing, DID I PUNISH HER??? DOES SHE DESERVE SOME type of punishment for putting me at risk as a parent (did u read the definition of ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF A CHILD?? IT's a crime..and I'm a cop.. I can lose my badge)???
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk_c100 + ?, writes (3 June 2011):"I'm sure this 21 year old boy who is still playing his gigs in parks is not quite on the same level as Steven Tyler! He is hardly a rock god now is he, playing in a local park probably on the bill with a number of other bands! i feel like I am repeating myself multiple times now, you really have had some excellent advise from everyone so I suggest you re-read it all"AND I FEEL LIKE I have to repeat MYSELF because I keep having to remind most of you that I NEVER PUNISHED her. My wife is off today and is reading this and laughing with me because she herself can tell who is young and who is an adult. You Kc 100 are around 16-19 yrs of age yourself. I know because I am a police officer and we can pretty much get a good profile description based on responses and thought alone. AND WHO EVER SAID that the 21 yr old is on Steve Tyler"s level or a rock god--THEY THINK THEY ARE when they have girl's like my daughter driving 60 miles to see them play. IT goes straight to their heads and they know who is an easy target or not...I'm not only trying to protect my daughter's safety and prevent myself from being an unfit parent, but trying to protect her reputation--WHERE'S The crime in that??I suggest some of you re-read what i initially wrote before coming straight to the defense of my daughter WHO I DID NOT punish, and forget to realize that she disrespected my house rule. I appreciate everyone getting involved. It shows that this is a topic that has effected our lives in one way or the other--whether as a parent, or a young teenager with the same sneaky intentions as my daughter..I never said she had sex either. But suspicions are very common when she tells me she was picked up at 2am and the permit ends at midnight. Maybe they smoked a joint afterwards..I DONT KNOW because I would really expect her to tell me without me having to use police techniques and interrogate her for 24 hrs in a hot room and uncomfortable chair. It's bad enough I had to find this out through her telling a friend on the phone, but then concocts this big dream about underwear's and the night of the music event and leaves the computer on--something she rarely does, and then I am the one invading her privacy lol-- It was my computer and I thought it was my facebook page on the screen..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
I'm still waiting to hear what her mom has to say about all of this. Just because she works the graveyard shift doesn't mean she's not awake and present for some of the parenting duties. Surely she has an opinion about this incident?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2011):
Or maybe she knows that your behavior, OP is a bit over the top and a bit too controlling for someone who in less than a year is going to legally be an adult?
Again she is 17 and the hardest thing we do as parents is give our kids wings. it's easy to give them their roots... the wings are the hard part.
IF you raised her right then by the time she's 17 she has a good idea between right and wrong... YOU seem to be projecting your thoughts and needs and desires on your daughter and while she has your DNA she is not your puppet and she does not have YOUR mind.... she has a mind of her own an I doubt seriously if she got into trouble at the concert the court would hold YOU responsible as a child abuser or endangerment...
I sense from your posts and the fact that you refer back to feeling stupid, that you are really more concerned about how you look and feel. I do not sense that this is about what's right or wrong for your child.
I also sense that you are perhaps too strict with her and that she is doing the rebelling thing. I know that letting my child (who will be 19 next week) have a bit of freedom and letting her LEARN to use her judgment means she comes to me with all her problems and concerns, that, yes she makes mistakes but she is growing and learning and she will
a. be a responsible adult
b. still care about and be in touch with her mother/father
c. make mistakes that will help her learn to be a better adult...
I know you think you come across as a protective loving parent but I see you more as a control freak. I see you more as a dad who has a tight grip on his daughter and that grip is strangling her and pushing her away.
I have a friend now who is 29 she was raised in a very very very strict religious home, her father ruled with an iron fist and no flexibility much as you come across AND now at 29 her goal is to totally cut her parents out of her life.
Why? because she opted to rebel against their rules and live a life that they will not approve of... and she as an adult who is getting mentally healthy is no longer going to take the emotional abuse her parents heap on her in the name of love.....
think about holding sand in your hand...if you squeeze too tightly it will flow through your fingers and you will lose it. IF you calmly and loosely hold it in your hand and just let it sit there of it's own free will, you get to keep it all.
Again to the OP, I know you love your daughter, but she's not 12 or 15 she's nearly 18 and I think you are over-reacting.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 June 2011):
I'm sure this 21 year old boy who is still playing his gigs in parks is not quite on the same level as Steven Tyler! He is hardly a rock god now is he, playing in a local park probably on the bill with a number of other bands!
I stand by my initial post, where I said that you are projecting your fears onto your daughter from being a musician yourself. You have had the experience of being a musician therefore you expect your daughter to behave the same way as the women you experienced as a muscian.
How about having a bit more belief in your own parenting skills, do you honestly think you have raised a child that would go on stage and have sex with a guy in front of 500 people?! I know you used that as an example and chances are the audience at this gig in the park was not 500, but anyway, you see my point here. You have raised her with good values, so why do you think she will suddenly become hypnotised by a guy and get up on stage with him and have sex there and then?! Those types of women, the true groupies who will throw themselves at any available band member, have some serious issues probably from childhood, they have no inhibition and they lack self esteem. You should not tarnish your daughter with the same brush as these women, you know yourself you have raised her better than that.
Your daughter (judging from the conversation with her friend you posted) is a classic teenage girl, with a crush who likes to talk about it and giggle with her friend. They have their silly little fantasies and dreams about him - she does not sound like she is even close to talking to him, let alone throwing herself on stage and having sex with him. As I have said before - I bet she would be too nervous to even talk to him and all she would have been doing is giggling with her friend and staring at him the entire time.
I feel like I am repeating myself multiple times now, you really have had some excellent advise from everyone so I suggest you re-read it all, absorb it and that take it from there....you are her parent so you make the decisions on how to raise her, we are not trying to tell you how to raise your child, simply we are commenting on this one event and giving you our opinions. If you feel the need to argue with every answer you get you really are wasting your engery and perhaps should channel your anger or frustrations elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfatelove77 +, writes (1 June 2011):
"Whoa. You are really going too far. First and foremost, you are being so over protective. She's 17, not 12. You act like it's a huge deal allowing her to stay at her friends house. She will be graduating high school soon, and possibly going to college...what do you think she will be doing there? By being so over the top, you're asking for her to rebell. Why would you call the friends parents and "say what she's capeable of?"
**** IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG with my grammar?? I think I write pretty clear and punctual. I NEVER punished her. And no i dont think it's a big deal if she stays at her friend's house as long as I know who the friend is and convinced that the parents are not chronic alcoholics and pot heads from the 60's smoking up a storm and sharing with the kids. keyword: "ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF A CHILD."
DEFINITION: Laws vary by state, but generally, a man or woman may commit the crime of endangering the welfare of a child when:
He or she knowingly directs or authorizes a child under a defined age to engage in an occupation involving a substantial risk of danger to his life or health; or
He or she, as a parent, guardian or other person legally charged with the care or custody of a minor, fails to exercise reasonable diligence in the control of such child to prevent him or her from becoming a "dependent child" or a "delinquent child".
He or she knowingly permits a child under a defined age of age to enter or remain in a house of prostitution.
He or she knowingly sells, furnishes, gives away or offers to sell, furnish or give away to a child under a defined age any intoxicating liquor, cigarettes, tobacco, air rifles, gunpowder, smokeless powder or ammunition for firearms.
Being the parent, foster parent, guardian or other person having the care and custody of the child, cruelly treats that child by abuse, neglect or extreme punishment.
Remedial treatment by spiritual means alone in accordance with the tenets and practices of a recognized church or religious denomination by a duly accredited practitioner thereof in lieu of medical treatment may be excepted from the above as an offense. A frequent result of an "endangering" charge is that the child is removed from the home and placed in foster care (if the accused is a parent).
I was very indecisive in what to do. I REALLY DONT care if she's graduating high school soon or collecting social security next week. I am the parent and the parent lays the law in the house and laws are meant to be respected. She knows what she did was unethical and cleverly planned. Or else she would've mentioned this concert. I probably wouldnt even be that upset if it was a different band playing. But she specifically went to this affair knowing who was going to be there. The guy has called my house after midnight asking my daughter if she'd like to "hang out" later on. He's from the neighborhood, but moved away when she was 14. But have kept contact. But he has no interest in my daughter or else he would've asked her out like a gentleman, and maybe i would've thought about it after having a talk with me. But musicians don't want a steady girlfriend. Not at age 20. They want to get as many girls as they can, in every city a they can, in every club that they perform in. Its as simple as that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk_c100 + ?, writes (1 June 2011):
"Lets think about this logically here. What you think happened is this:
Aged 17, your daugther went to a music concert in a park where a band was playing, and she has a crush on one of the musicians in the band. Once the concert had finished, despite the permit lasting only until 12, she and her friend, and the musician in question (plus his other bandmates as they wouldnt have left him alone) managed to have sex in a park in the space of 2 hours without being removed by security/the permit holders"
***KC100, If you want to think about this logically, then you need to do your homework on the lifestyle of a rock/metal musician and a "groupie". I'm a musicain. Played in a rock band and let me tell you, there is no logic. the women are just hypnotized by the long hair/barbaric look of a metal musician. OK?? This is not news.
Every Monday there is a show called American Idol right? One of the judges is STEVEN TYLER?? Google his name and the work gropie and see what you get.. NO better yet, i'll do it for you, and see for yourself the logic.. these girls dont care if there are 500 people watching.. if she can have sex with him on stage, she will and then brag about it.
Here are a few links where you can understand, before going into logic and my daughter, who has had this fascinating crush on that guy for years.
http://www.popeater.com/2010/12/15/pamela-desbarres-jimmy-page-keith-moon/
http://www.groupiedirt.com/
http://www.metalsludge.tv/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=38&Itemid=53
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Thanks for the followup. Is it possible that part of your anger is that you are doing this by yourself? I mean, you say your wife is working the graveyard shift, as a nurse, which I guess means she is working overnight but there are hours that she would be sleeping and hours she would be awake during the day.
Does she sleep after her shift or before her shift? Your wife, I mean. And when do you two sit down and discuss what's happening?
I remember that my mother was easier to talk to. My dad was pretty scary (to me as a teenager) and I would avoid him rather than face him. Mom was the mediator, I guess. Now, I realize how cool my dad was but back then I would avoid conversations with him because I didn't think he had a clue. He did, I just didn't understand. Maybe your daughter has the wrong idea about you too. Maybe she needs to see that you love her and have her back in a way that she never has understood. Not so much "I'm going to jail if you screw up" kind of way but more in a "I am worried that something bad could happen to you and I could never forgive myself" kind of way. It's a subtle distinction, one is about you and your ego and the other is about her and her well-being. Maybe check in with yourself to see that you are conveying the message you intend.
Now, your wife and her involvement. She is on the graveyard shift? So she's working 11 pm to 7 am? So she comes home and sleeps or she sleeps then gets up and goes to work? I'm trying to understand how she is involved as a parent. I have friends where he works nights in the ER and she has a more 9-5 job, he's often asleep during the day because he comes home after his shift and sleeps. Then he gets up and is around for their children as they get home from school.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha 1, thats pretty much well said and within what i was feeling. The situation with my wife is that she's a nurse and they got her working graveyard while i have a regular 9-5. So this girl is on her own between 3-7 when she gets out of school which is 40 minutes away. On occasion, i check up on her, i call around 415 and she's home. So i know she's not wild wild per say. Which is why i was even more burnt when i heard her telling her friend about that music event. IT almost seems that the only reason why she wanted to stay at her friend's house in the first place was solely to meet up with this guy. So when i hear 2am pick up, underwear dreams, and all that other stuff you read in my initial post, it almost looks as though she did meet this guy after the show was over, maybe didnt have sex, but still, it was the way it was done. Then after being confronted, she probably was so scared that she wouldnt be allowed to stay out late the next time, that she practically staged that entire conversation to make it look like nothing happened, she never saw him, if anything, just dreamnt about him.. FoLlow? Which in turn would mean that she DID see him lol it's so mind startling. And as you acknowledged, it's more than that. Its the fact that she could of been arrested (like what 17 yr old doesnt drink a beer or two?), attacked, anything.. that would have put me at risk for endangering her welfare. Parents have their kids taken away from them over situations like this. Because the kid is so scared she'll turn and tell the cops "daddy let me go" lol so now its my word against hers and so forth. But yea, i was letting off steam,, i never punished her. As far as being blessed with this gift when you was 14, thats fantastic as long as you held your part of the bargain. Which is pretty much what i do with her. My parents was like this: "If you want to take your girlfriend out, and dont want to look like a fool telling her that you have to be home at 8:00pm at age 16, then show me good grades, dont come home smelling like a brewery or of a marijuana plantation, do whatever chores we ask of you without teeth sucking and mumbling bad words, and you'll be alright" GUESS WHAT? I DID IT, AND GOT MANY PRIVILEGES. AND You know what? That made me feel appreciated. Respected. and because of that, I never did the things my daughter did last month.. which is why, yes, i feel pretty much livid, disrespected, and everything that follows. And asking for an apology wont cut it. That has to come from her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2011): "Let this one go down as a "fool me once" kind of thing. Next time make sure the parent/parents who are having the sleepover know your rules or if you don't trust them then don't let her go. But you do know you'll have to let this little birdie fly sooner of later, right?"**** I AM WAY AHEAD OF You on this one.. I already decided that i will tell the parents of her friend what i expect as long as she is in their hands.. TRUST ME.. LOL i have been looking this through carefully
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2011):
Maybe those other parents ASKED the girls in their keeping whether anybody's parents would be upset at the 2 a.m. late pick up and all those sweet little teenagers responded with a resounding "Oh my parents said I could stay out this late". What are you going to do? Wake everybody up asking the parents yourself? Let this one go down as a "fool me once" kind of thing. Next time make sure the parent/parents who are having the sleepover know your rules or if you don't trust them then don't let her go. But you do know you'll have to let this little birdie fly sooner of later, right?
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Yes I understand you. I would not feel stupid if I were you. I don't think your doughter is laughing at you, she didn't want to tell you because she really wanted to go to the concert, however this is no excuse for not letting you know. Your neighbours are responsible and nice in my opinion for bringing your doughter and her friend to the concert and picking them up late. It looks like she was in good hands. In my opinion it isn't worth to get into conflict with them because of this. Talk to your doughter about what I mentioned in my previous post. In futor though give her more freedom and space and she will be more open to you, and you probably will feel the need to be less protective.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
nothing for me to say now Tisha-1 said it all beautifully. please listen to what she said...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2011):
"Do you know how stupid I felt when i heard her tell this friend that she was at a park 60 miles away while under the supervision of neighbors whom i have known for over 15 years? Its almost like she was laughing at me for being so stupid."
I think this is what you are really angered about. You feel that you look stupid.
Guess what. You're the father of a teenager. You by default are considered mentally deficient and weird and annoying by the teenager. When they are older, they realize that parents are not as weird as they think at the time, but generally speaking, parents are MAJOR inconveniences to the average teenager. Parents are so annoying and bossy and naggy and USELESS. (For the sense-of-humor-impaired, this is tongue-in-cheek, okay?)
So this is about feeling disrespected, not about punishment, ah, that helps.
"Daughter, I love you dearly, you are my responsibility, one I take very seriously. I am working as hard as I can to give you a good life and a good start on your adulthood. I know I have demands and expectations but I honestly have your well-being as my top priority. I have come to learn that you have lied to me about when the concert ended. I know you're a smart girl and knew that this wouldn't have been acceptable to me and that is why I think you lied. This hurts me deeply as it shows a lack of respect for me and I dislike being made to look stupid."
I mean, what it sounds like is that you want a true, meaningful apology from your daughter. So ask for it. Then let her know you are concerned for her welfare and then get on with being a parent.
Shouldn't you be discussing this all with your wife, anyway? What are her thoughts on the matter?
Also, you could contact the parents of the other girl and let them know that you were unhappy with the situation. It seems to me that you may need to be clearer about your expectations to the other parents as well. "No concert-going." "We have certain curfew hours that we expect her to abide by, including that she needs to be in the house by midnight. If that's not possible, let me know and we can reschedule another time she can visit."
My parents gave me a great gift, they let me know that they would come get me whenever I needed them. "Call us, no matter what, at any time, we won't be angry." And they meant it and I felt loved and supported and safe. I wouldn't have felt the same if they got angry and yelled and tried to micromanage me. They got me to a certain point, where they determined that I was old enough and wise enough to handle most things and they let me get on with making my own mistakes. I started getting greater freedom at around age 14. Did I go out and do dumb things from age 14-18? Oh yes I did. Did I do anything dangerous? Not really. But that was because my parents had laid that foundation. My brother got into more trouble (maybe because he's a boy?) and had more rules on him till he was 17 or so.
You sound very emotional and angry and I wonder how much of this posting is just a way for you to let off steam and how much is really a genuine desire to hear other people's views on this. I'd say the one you should be co-parenting with is her mother. Maybe go talk to her and you won't feel the need to ask strangers on the internet for advice and comments that appear to make you angrier and angrier.
Good luck in the wilds of teenagerland.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Tisha-1, excellent respons. Mature, realistic and even compassionate for us parents.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyum yum +, writes (2 June 2011):"In my opinion you should tell your doughter the following:"Hope you had fun the other night but next time please come back on time because I'm still responsible for you as your dad legally and morally", period. Don't punish her or make her earn her privlges she's nearly an adult. Make life easy for her now when you can, life is hard enough."**** YUM YUM, as a parent, when you see what your 17YR old daughter is doing, the first thing you ask yourself is how many times has she done this right under your nose. Do you know how stupid I felt when i heard her tell this friend that she was at a park 60 miles away while under the supervision of neighbors whom i have known for over 15 years? Its almost like she was laughing at me for being so stupid. Even your employer is responsible for you as long as youre on company premises on company time. As well as the school during school hours. How many times have you heard schools get sued because the school staff/security failed to see a student leave school?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2011):
My parents made it pretty clear what would happen if I broke curfew, lied or otherwise violated the boundaries that they drew. We didn't have mobile phones back in the Dark Ages nor did we have social networking, but I expect had I violated their rules, I would have lost privileges.
I expect that you as a parent of a teenager already have some rules and regulations in place, a structure that she knows and is expected to follow. I'm not going to tell you what those should be, that's your perogative as a parent, but I guess I'm wondering why you're here asking for what the punishment should be, when this is something that you and your wife should have worked out for yourselves ages ago.
For what it's worth, I see all kinds of nonsense that teens write on FB as my friends show me what their daughters write. A lot of it is eyebrow-raising for me, but as long as they as parents have the passwords to their kids accounts, as long as they are keeping tabs on them, the kids know what their parent's expect and their parents have been clear of the rules/consequences of breaking the rules.
What we seem to have here is a case where your daughter broke her curfew and violated your rules. Why not simply let her know that you have discovered this violation and the the appropriate penalty that you no doubt have already had in effect will now apply?
Your daughter is 17, will be maturing physically and no doubt is all over the place hormonally as she transitions from 'girl' to 'woman.' She is going to think about sex and sexual activity, she will talk and joke about it with her friends. The reason parents put rules and structure in place is to save kids from themselves. That being said, some kids push the boundaries and test limits. It's part of growing up.
If you are concerned about sexual activity, talk to her about it. Give her your thoughts and tell her your values. It would be better if you have done this all along the way with your wife as well.
And I don't think that conversation was staged for you. That's teenage girl banter, yes it may have some sexual connotations, but you're living in lala-land if you think kids this age aren't thinking about sex and sexual activity.
In my family, I would have expected my mom and dad to sit me down, together, and to tell me in very clear terms what the rules are and what the penalties for breaking the rules would entail. And then if I had stayed out 2 hours past curfew and lied about it, I would be expecting some consequences. If she's reached age 17 without a clear understanding of rules/consequences, you haven't been parenting.
I think you're just here to find out if we think she's had sex. I don't think so, based on that fragment of conversation. She is laughing and joking about it though, but that's not a punishable offense, to me. Maybe that's what has you so upset?
Deal with the breaking of the rules, and lay out again your expectations surrounding sexual activity, with the full knowledge that in a short time, she'll be 18 and legally able to do whatever she likes vis-a-vis sexual activity. If you're just playing catch-up now and are scrambling to lay down a framework for her to abide by, well, that's not really the aunts' fault, now is it? And you are the one you should be shouting that in that case, not the people who have tried to interpret what you wrote.
Take care, and good luck.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 June 2011):
I honestly dont think anyone has said you are a bad parent, and as I have said before - your reaction will be the same as many other parents and it is fairly normal.
Yes your daughter was wrong to go to this concert without asking you, but realistically, if her (or the friend's dad) had rung you to say they were going, I bet you would have gotten angry and put your foot down and said no because of your concern over this musician. So your daughter, being smart enough to know you would say no, thinks she will go anyway and if you find out deal with it later. And I bet she told her friend's dad that she had already asked you and you said it was fine!
Your daughter was also wrong to stay out until 2am, however at least she did not lie on this occasion and tell you she came home at 12? I'm not saying she has behaved like an angel here and you are wrong, she is most definitely wrong but she has only behaved in a way that 99% of other teenagers would have done.
I think your principles for raising your daughter are very commendable, children should indeed earn their priviledges and during term time should be working hard on their school work, with their rewards coming during the holidays and maybe the odd weekend here and there.
I honestly think that you should start believing in your own parenting skills more and trust that because you have raised her well, she will turn out good and wont be deceiving you or having sex in parks. You sound like you have raised her well, so put your trust in that and believe in yourself as well as your daughter.
I think Yum Yum is right in his most recent post, the fact that she violated house rules means you have every right to tell her off for going somewhere without consulting you - so if you feel the need to sit her down and have a proper talk about this then by all means, go ahead. But she will also need to learn that you are not automatically going to say no to things like music concerts in order to be able to open you up more. You have to give a bit with teenagers, in order to get what you want back from them.
One final time - no-one is telling you that you are a bad parent, no-one said you're scrooge and no-one is wanting to call 911 on you. All you have done is over-react a little to a typical teenagers behaviour, we have pointed that out and we never meant any offense or to judge your parenting skills.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
you are right SHE SHOULD have CHECKED with you and she did not.
I would be concerned about that... more so than the sex that probably did not happen. I would also mention lightly to her friend's parents that you take your responsibility as a parent seriously and next time they want to take your under age daughter somewhere could they please clear it with you first.
as for reading on your computer that she left the page open to... still not that cool of a thing to do. I always avoid other peoples computer pages.
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reader, yum yum +, writes (2 June 2011):
In my opinion you should tell your doughter the following:
"Hope you had fun the other night but next time please come back on time because I'm still responsible for you as your dad legally and morally", period. Don't punish her or make her earn her privlges she's nearly an adult. Make life easy for her now when you can, life is hard enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know what is so remarkably funny is that the very last thing i said is that I prefer female responses but not so much the young ones because i knew there would be alot of defending of my daughter and stampeding of poor old Scrooge here. And none the less, all the women who identified themselves as parents recognized my need for help. I never grounded her. Did I young ladies who are so close to calling 911 on me for invading her privacy on MY computer (her computer is in her bed room not the living room) after she violated house protocol which is to tell us where you are AT ALL TIMES because as long as she is not even a registered voter yet, she is MY legal responsibility. Her mother is a nurse at the hospital so I cant even say OUR responsibility between 8pm and 4am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question, fatelove77 +, writes (2 June 2011):I don't think one person that wrote to you is a teenager. You went through her PERSONAL chats, which is really not right. I find it very odd you're acting like it's some huge deal to let her spend 3 nights at her friends house****BECAUSE Fate, I didnt do anything...YET lol. I wanted advice as to my actions being over the limit... and it seems it may have.. fine.. but on the same note, I am being somewhat reprimanded as a BAD parent.. My parents raised me to earn your privileges.. And in my opinion, thats not a bad way to do things. Because if every child got their way from the beginning, how are they going to behave in school? at work? at anything? she's not a bad kid. AND NO, I WASNT GOING THROUGH HER STUFF like a hacker or snoop. the phone is by the PC and she didnt sign off.. For a minute i thought it was MY facebook page... You're forgetting the key point here: She went to a party/concert 60 miles away. I am pretty upset with her friend;s dad too that he didnt consult with me. Because if something happened to her, got mugged, attacked, shot, etc... that child is not 18 yet, I AM THE ONE WHO WILL probably get a visit from Child Services for being endangering the welfare of a child.. SO i think alot of issues here are not being looked at... Besides the fact that she lied to my face about the party ending at 2am when it ended at midnight.
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reader, fatelove77  +, writes (2 June 2011):
I don't think one person that wrote to you is a teenager. You went through her PERSONAL chats, which is really not right. I find it very odd you're acting like it's some huge deal to let her spend 3 nights at her friends house. When I was a teenager I'd sleep out every night on weekends, and the entire break during any breaks. Why is it such a huge thing to let her stay out? When people have parents like you, they end up being the rebels and the ones who don't get to experience anything so they do it later on in life. You're snooping in her things, and not allowing her to be a 17 year old. FYI- she's most likely already had sex. Come to terms with that. Trying to over analyze 2 hours at a part is just stupid. She's had sex, and will again. It's time to let her live her life.
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reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Well I'm certainly not a teenaged girl. And I'm not at all sure why you are so angry. However I think you received some good advice here. What you choose to do with it is up to you. Frankly, after your last post... I'm hearing alarm bells... Something doesn't feel quite right about this. I'm not sure what answer you were looking for...
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
I agree with K C 100 truthfully I'm 51 I have an almost 19 yr old daughter a 27 yr old son and a 24 year old son.
There is no need to yell at us (use CAPS) just because we did not give you the info or support you wanted/needed.
17 is a hard age to raise a child... they are almost not children but as young adults under our roof they have to abide by our rules.
I wonder what bothers you most about your daughter's "adventure"
was it staying out till 2
was it the potential lies about staying out till 2
was it the fact that she might be a sexual being at 17 (which is not that horrible a thing to be honest, even if as a dad you think it is)....
is it the fact that while she was at a friends house she used the friend's parent's permissions as a guideline and did not check in with you and her mom for permission to do something she wanted to do and somehow was aware that you would not approve of it...
what is it about this situation that pushes your buttons so deeply that you came to strangers for advice and when not given a pat on the back and told "good daddy" you get defensive and angry??
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reader, yum yum +, writes (2 June 2011):
Based on all the responces you got, its a good thing to analyse them and question yourself based on the answers you got. Of course as a farther you only want to do the right things for her. You shouldn't punish your doughter, not at the age of 17. Give her more freedom and be there to guide her when she needs advise. I think your overeacting a bit and are farly too possesive. Don't get too involved in your doughter's personal life. Take care !
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 June 2011):
Whoa there, easy now! The majority of us who have answered are not teenagers, and even Foxy7727 said that it is her SISTER who is 17, so try not to think we are all teenage girls ganging up on you!
You are not the bad guy, and I dont think anyone here has said you are a bad person for this - you are just a bit over-protective, as many parents are. They way you have reacted is perfectly normal and I'm sure many parents would have reacted the same, especially dads with their daughters!
All we have tried to point out is that it is incredibly unlikely anything has happened with this boy, and that the conversation you saw was not deliberate in any way, it was just a normal teenage girl conversation.
If you are wondering about those 2 hours, I would put money on your daughter and her friend standing around for 2 hours giggling and hoping to get to talk to the boys in the band while they were packing up. Notice I said 'hoping' there - I bet they were too nervous to actually go up and talk to the boys, knowing myself back when I was a teenager I would stand around with my friends hoping the boy would come over and talk to me but nothing ever happened apart from a lot of nervous giggling and and a bit of eye contact if you were lucky!
Try not to take the advice so personally and look at it in a more rational way, we are not criticising you, your parenting methods or your reaction - we are simply giving you our opinion on the events that occurred. No-one is saying you are the bad guy, all we are doing is answering your question within the post which says "I would really appreciate feedback to assure me that I am not over exaggerating". Unfortunately you are over exaggerating a little and we answered honestly.
If you wanted someone to simply agree with you then unfortunately Dear Cupid is not the site for you, too many people come to this site looking for their own opinions to simply be confirmed, and then get very defensive and angry when they find the answers they receive are honest and disagree with them. We are not here to simply validate your own thoughts, we are here to give honest advice based on the information provided. If it is not what you want to hear, well that is your decision.
So rather than laughing at our advice and then getting defensive, either take what we have said on board or disregard it and carry on with your own opinions regardless of us. We have given up our own time to try and give you some perspective, and if you dont like it well that cant be helped but next time try and think before you post on an internet forum full of strangers that not everyone will agree with you and if you cant deal with that, dont post on the internet and speak to a friend instead who you know will agree with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLMAO!!! I JUST LOVE SOME OF YOUR RESPONSES.. SO INSTEAD OF WRITING multiple feedback, I am going to answer in one big summary for all 12 comments. But answering Foxy's in the first paragraph.. HERE GOES:
1foxy7727 + ?, writes (1 June 2011):
"I don't understand why your daughter would perposly leav up a chat w her friend hoping you would read it so you wouldn't think she slept with this guy. And tell her friend to be in on it at that exact time of the say online knowing you would be nearby."
***Well Foxy, it was because I overheard her tell a friend about that show she went to. I gave her permission to stay over her friends' for a couple of days because it was Easter recess, she's bringing home good grades, cleans around the kitchen with her mom..basically and i felt she deserved the trust. WHY AM I GETTING ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT STAYING OUT HER LIFE AND I'M OVER EXAGGERATING is EXACTLY why i didnt want comments from young girls because that typically the response; teens defending teens--SO NO, I was not out to purposely punish her..IF I WAS, I wouldnt have given her the OK to stay over her friends house in THE FIRST PLACE.
SEEMS like everybody forgot that I LET HER GO to her friends house. SHE TELLS ME THE CONCERT ENDED AT 2AM, when i know from having gone to those mini concerts that the town's permit is only until midnight.. SO what happened in those two hours??? Especially after having heard she went to this place.. didn't tell ME about it.. and then knowing who was playing there.. SO NOW I'M THE BAD GUY... AMAZING!! BUT THANKS FOR YOUR FAIR AND PARTIAL ADVICE..
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reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (2 June 2011):
It's normal for 17 year old girls to fantasize about musicians. It's normal to share and laugh about weird dreams. I don't think she had sex.
As the mother of 7, I understand your concern, but I think you need to relax just a little bit. Keep communication open, and stay involved...but not too much. (and that's HARD) :)
good for you for actually parenting your child!
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reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I think you are just worrying too much about your daughter.
Teen girls joke like that, seriously. me and my cousin used to joke like that all the time.
The "it wasn't reality...yet. MUAAA-HAHAHAHAHA!!" part just means that the friend knows she has a crush on this guy. And yes, chances are your daughter wants to sleep with him.
Teen girls have their crushes, doesn't mean they can or will jump into bed with every guy they like.
You are seriously over-exaggerating things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): You really need to relax, stay out of your daughters personal life and trust the girl (almost woman) that you raised to do what she feels best and makes her happy.
You have the burden of knowledge from being a musician to see what can happen. Do you think in her 17 years as your daughter she hasn't learned a thing or two?
Seriously man she's not your little girl anymore, if you wrap her up in cotton wool and not allow her the freedom to make her own mistakes or actually have some fun while she's young, then what's the point? She just won't experience life or learn anything from it. If you've taught her about the safe way of dating, safe sex, some of the tricks guys use to get girls and the right way to deal with certain situations then that's all you can do.
You really sound like a person that's just completely forgotten what it's like to be a teenager or think that every teen does crazy things or has no sense of their own. Dude after 17 years of having you as a father she'll have learned a thing of two about musicians don't you think? She's a perfectly normal sounding teenage girl, they all love musicians, they all love that whole social setting and if hooking up is something she wants to do and feels ready for then why deny her that? She's 17 and nothing you have said from her chat indiciates anything. Teenagers talk about sex, underwear and all that sort of things all the time. Dating, getting with people is all normal, that's how they learn the lessons to be successful in relationships in adult life.
Above all though she's your daughter, you know her, you raised her. Did you raise her to be a fool or gullible? Did you raise a daughter who will be easy prey for guys or did you prepare her for that?
You're dealing with a young woman starting to find her place in the world, a girl who wants to go out and have fun, if you taught her well and how to take care of herself then she'll be fine. If you turn around and go apeshit because she might be exploring her sexuality then you'll just be oppressive, it doesn't even sound like she has OP, it really doesn't. You'll destroy her trust in you because you invaded her privacy, you'll show complete disregard for her feelings in the whole matter, you'll make her think you don't trust her to do what's right and frankly you will be treating her like a child. Do you really think that's going to have any positive benefits at all, to her or your relationship with her, especially when it's most likely she hasn't done anything like that? Do want her to have to sneak behind her back or do you want to be the kind of father she talks to for advice about guys like this? Do you want her to close herself off completely to you and feel like she has to fight you just to be able to be an outgoing fun teenager?
OP I'm sure you raised her to have respect for herself and only ever do things that she wants to regardless of what others say. Trust her, trust yourself as a parent and if you let her live her life (within reasonable boundaries of course) give her the freedom to live it the way she chooses then you'll be a part of that, you'll be there when she needs you and asks for help and she won't feel the need to hide things from you. With that kind of trust you'll know what's going on in her life and you can guide her, help her make the right choices but not force them on her.
Most of all she's a damn teenager, they can be idiots they can be frustrating, rebellious, annoying, play loud music all the time, hog the bathroom, cry their eyes out because their "true love" that they've been dating 3 weeks has left them, cost a fortune to keep clothed, fed and doing fun activities, have laptops, etc but that's how we all were and that's how we figured out how to be adults. You can't live her life for her and you have to show her enough respect to stay out of her personal business, that's her private business OP, you're really going to ground her like a child when she's done nothing wrong, broken no laws and just *maybe* been doing things that all teenagers including you did?
Give her a bit more credit and give yourself more credit for raising her well.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 June 2011):
I'm a parent. I was a 17 year old girl and I don't think they had sex.
I think you are looking for a way to punish your daughter. you even said
"A female's opinion would be even better as long as she doesnt sound like she is defending my daughter."
but what if your daughter NEEDS defending. Is her mother around? how does she feel about this.
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reader, muso888 +, writes (1 June 2011):
No, she's just talking about a dream she had. I don't know if she had sex in the park with anyone, but nothing you have overheard or read points that way at all. 17 year olds definately don't leave facebook open on purpose around their parents, whether or not they have anything to hide. If she was trying to create a ruse for you, it wouldn't be this way. And trust me, it's much more likely that if it had happened she wouldn't have said anything around you at ALL to let you know they were there. Remember, teenagers operate on a 'if I don't want you to know, I was never there in the first place' basis...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Wow im sooo glad ur not my dad. You are being way way too over protective. Lets face it its a crush. And how often do people actually have sex with a crush? Not as often as you might think. Hence why its a crush... Anyways it sounds like harmless playful girltalk to me. Shes fantasizing about this guy. Hes 21. Not 40. Man you should hear what my friends and i talked about at that age it was so much more perverted than that and we stayed virgins for awhile. Cut her some slack shes been as honest as she can and its not proven good enough 4 u. Keep it up and ull drive her away like my parents did. Moved out at 18 and i m glad i did. I never looked back.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 June 2011):
I raised three teenagers two of which were girls...you have my sincerest sympathy. You are a father, of course you are prone to over-exaggerating, tis the nature of the beast. You and your daughter will come out of these years relatively unscathed. The good news (in about 10 years) is that your IQ in her eyes is about to rise about 20 points! Parenthood sure ain't for sissies.
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reader, SeriouslyStephanie +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I don't mean to sound harsh, however CUT YOUR DAUGHTER SOME SLACK. Seriously, you are reading into this far too much. And what are you doing copying and pasting your daughter's conversations off facebook? It is an invasion of her privacy to copy and paste her PRIVATE conversations, what are you going to do next? Bug her room and put cameras in there so you can see everything she is doing?!?!?!?! She is 17 for goodness sake!! I had moved out by 17 and was living with my partner. I know you are just concerned for your daughter's well-being but do you REALLY think they would be in the park for 2 hours having sex when her friend was there as well? They were just having a laugh in that conversation and I doubt they would have even talked to the band member in question, even if they did it would have been a quick hello and a few giggles from the girls. Please stop worrying so much, you are dreaming up things that your daughter is doing and panicking yourself.
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reader, fatelove77 +, writes (1 June 2011):
Whoa. You are really going too far. First and foremost, you are being so over protective. She's 17, not 12. You act like it's a huge deal allowing her to stay at her friends house. She will be graduating high school soon, and possibly going to college...what do you think she will be doing there? By being so over the top, you're asking for her to rebell. Why would you call the friends parents and "say what she's capeable of?" you have no right to do this, as you have no idea what they even did. Doesn't sound like a planned chat, as how many people would think their parents would read their own personal things. Maybe you should stop being so crazy and let her life her life, and stop going through her stuff.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 June 2011):
Lets think about this logically here. What you think happened is this:
Aged 17, your daugther went to a music concert in a park where a band was playing, and she has a crush on one of the musicians in the band. Once the concert had finished, despite the permit lasting only until 12, she and her friend, and the musician in question (plus his other bandmates as they wouldnt have left him alone) managed to have sex in a park in the space of 2 hours without being removed by security/the permit holders.
I hope you can see how ridiculous that sounds! You should at least believe in your own parenting enough to know that you have raised her better, than aspiring to be a teenager who loses her virginity in a park?!
I am 24, so I still have a reasonable memory of being aged 17! Yes all girls that age are boy mad, and I am not trying to deny that she has a crush on him or would like things between them to go further. But the liklihood of her being able to get to talk to him, make him interested in her, then have sex and get out of there again all within 2 hours is pretty slim! Plus if I were 17 again, I know for certain that my first time would not be with a sweaty musician after a gig in a local park. Not exactly the romantic dream most girls have for their first time!
I think what is happening here is that you are remembering what you were like aged 21 as a musician, and are just projecting your fears onto your daughter, because you know what boys are like. You are just being an over-protective dad, nothing wrong with that, but I think you need to relax a little and stop over-thinking things.
This whole conversation looks like a silly teenage girls conversation, all girls tell their friends about their dreams and often at that age, with hormones raging, yes dreams can be sexual or provocative in nature. I honestly dont think it was made up to try and convince you about anything, I just think it was a normal chat between 2 friends. The whole "it wasn't reality...yet." part I think is just again, teenage girls plotting about how to talk to their crushes and get the boy to like them. If it were made up to throw you off the scent, then there is no way that she would have said "yet" because it indicates that they want it to be reality and want to try and do something about it. Therefore neither girl would ever say something like this if they knew you would read it, because it would mean you would stop your daughter from ever going to any music concerts where this band are playing, and that is the opposite of what she wants.
That comment just indicates that they both like this boy in the band and are having dreams about him, and are probably plotting away about how they can get to talk to him. But I am pretty certain that they wont have even built up the courage to talk to him yet, never mind have sex with him! The female ego at that age is incredibly delicate and it takes a long time to gather the confidence to talk to a boy through sheer fear of being rejected or made to feel ugly/not attractive. He will just be incredibly cool and sexy in her eyes, a sort of unattainable dream boy who she fantasises about having as her boyfriend. I remember my crushes on older boys well, and I would have never approached any of them through fear because they seem so cool and mature that you simply dont stand a chance.
I honestly think nothing has happened, and chances are, nothing will happen. Why would this 21 year old want a silly giggling 17 year old girl? I bet he already has a girlfriend, if not he can get (not being offensive to your daughter in any way here) far more attractive, mature girls who are much closer to his own age. He will be thinking about making it big in music, thinking he is cool and will get loads of girls throwing themselves at him. He wont be thinking about teenage school kids! I bet if she got to talk to him, or if she came on to him, he would think it is cute but would turn her down, he will have his pick of the girls and your daughter is probably not at the top of his list! Not saying your daugther is unattractive or anything like that, I'm sure she is very pretty, but girls really come into their own once they get into their early 20's, I look back on my looks in my early 20's compared to 17, and I look far better in my 20's!
So nothing happened, and I'm pretty sure nothing will ever happen between your daughter and this boy....all she will do is carry on plotting with her friend and dreaming about him. Pretty harmless really!
Dont ring this friend's parents and accuse this poor girl of something you have no proof of, you say you want to warn them of what she is capable of - which is nothing! All you know for sure that this friend has done is take your daughter to a music concert and then made sure her dad was there to pick them up. For a 17 year old that is quite responsible! Imagine accusing her of having sex with boys in bands, when her dad was the one that picked them up - he would be beyond offended! How would you feel if you had your daughter's friend's father on the phone saying horrible things about your daughter, when you were the one to collect them at an agreed time and had them both staying at your house? You would feel responsible for them both so you would have ensured nothing was going on and they both behaved themselves.
If you ring the friend's parents all you will acheive is offending her parents and massively upsetting your daughter. Not a great outcome when the actual event in question all sounds relatively innocent!
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reader, foxy7727 +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Well my sister is 17 also and I'm around her and her firends a lot. So I know when ther lieing and going somewher other then a friends because they tell me. So if they needed anything I would know wher they were and I could help. But back to your situation I don't understand why your daughter would perposly leav up a chat w her friend hoping you would read it so you wouldn't think she slept with this guy. And tell her friend to be in on it at that exact time of the say online knowing you would be nearby. It seems farfetched to me. I think your daughter had a werid dream and tells her friend everything and they were talking about it. And also I don't understand why if they were planning on you reading ther conversation they would let you know they wish that her dream was real. And that it hasn't happend yet. that doesn't seem like a conversation a 17 year old would make up to trick her father. if she knew you would b reading it I'm sure it would be more straight to the point and proper. I'm sorry I disagree with you punishing her over this. In my opinion you are over exaggerating.
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