A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sex too soon?I am a 30 year old woman who has been single for 2.5 years. I've never really been the type of girl who always had boyfriends (I've spend 6 yrs out of the last 9.5yrs single), though it's not through lack of trying. I'm attractive, chatty, confident and intelligent, though I can be quite insecure, I try not to show it. I believe I have a lot to offer the right guy and I suppose I am quite picky.I started online dating last year in the hope of finding a nice guy - I've always gone for Mr Wrongs in the past, usually players or guys who just want casual relationships or 1-night stands - so I thought this would be a great way to chat and meet someone on the same wavelength.I've met a few genuinely great guys, but just not dound 'that spark' until recently.I'm not afraid to admit that I have completely fallen for someone, hook line and sinker and I'm petrified!!This NEVER happens to me and my head has blown. We had chatted online briefly and exchanged numbers. We text each other a bit and although I agreed to meet up with him for a coffee, I didn't expect anything to come of it. Yes, he was good looking and I was certainly attracted to him, I didn't think he would have the whole package..... HE DOES!I left the first date feeling really positive and actually WANTING to see him again (which hasn't happened in 5 years) we kissed (briefly) on the lips but nothing too forward. We met again 5 days later, for a meal and we just clicked (I felt), we laughed, flirted, had a lot in common and when we kissed, I felt butterflies. He kept in constant contact, texting and calling nearly every night over the next week and we went out for date 3, 2 days ago.He lives 30 miles from me and although we arranged for him to stay over at mine and go to work the next morning, I intended for us to sleep in separate rooms - that didn't happen.The date was successful and after a few drinks we ended up having sex. It just felt right - I already feel like I have known this guy for a lot longer than 2 weeks and when you look at it like that, I suppose we did sleep together quite soon. He was meant to come over again the following night and after texting while he was at wk in the morning, called off the 4th date as he had to work over time and wouldn't make it.He has still been texting me and seems as positive and interested as he was before - I am now absolutely scared stiff that my sleeping with him has put him off me (though he has been in touch, I guess other guys wouldn't have bothered) but because I like him so much, I can't get any perspective on our situation.Should I suggest date 4 to see if he's interested? Or wait and see if he suggests it himself? I have noticed he is still on the dating website and had logged on tonight (though he appears to have hidden his profile from user searches- I don't know if that is anything to do with me. I have hidden mine).I REALLY like him! This feeling is quite new to me and although I want him to know my intentions, I still have to remind myself, it's only been 2 weeks!! Crazy!I'm not naive, I've been around the block a few times, but all I've ever wanted is to meet a great guy - and I think I may just have..... I know already that I really like him, is it too much to think he might know what he thinks already? I'm scared if I suggest we both come off the website or ask if he's intending on dating elsewhere, he might get scared off.What shall I do?
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exchanged numbers, flirt, insecure, player, spark, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Since he contacted you after the sex date I agree with Cerberus... just calm down... relax and let it unfold.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 You have to make THIS choice:
1. You can contact him and see if he's be interested in another date that DOES NOT include his staying at your house and having sex together...... or,
2. You can sit back and wait to see if he contacts you to make that fourth date....
Here's what will/can happen....
If No 1 occurs, then he's not the total DOG I would have told you he might be... Since he got you to put out 'way too early, he has ample reason to believe that YOU are desparate and are an "easy lay." BUT..... you MUST then go through with the date... AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!
On the other hand... I predict that, if you opt for No 2, he will NOT call you... and you will be off the hook from having been too quick to put out for him.... and thereby learning that he is like 99-44/100's of the men "out here" who are interested ONLY in seeing if they can have s*x with you..... THAT would be a "blessing in disguise"... since you will have only erred ONCE.... AND you will have learned this lesson early-on... and can then AVOID making this mistake again....
Guys are not really very hard to figure out IF you will stay focused on the ONE thing that we want.... AND you avoid offering it up too soon!!!!.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys!
I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I don't know why I have lost all perspective on this but it's nice for someone impartial to just tell it like it is.
Cheers - I will certainly try to calm it! :)
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (2 April 2012):
You sound like you are being too nervous and you have to try and chill a bit. Yes, definitely ask if he wants to do something, maybe at a weekend when you can do something together and get to know each other. Dinner and sex is fun but its not everything. But just relax or you will not be the natural you and he will feel the tension you will create. And no, 2 weeks wasn't too fast but I still wouldn't ever mention the one night stands until you know he has done it too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Based on what you have said about yourself, making him wait is not really how your sexual morals operate. Its just something you would have been doing to impress him. If you had a guarantee that sleeping with him quickly would not make him think less of you, then you would have done it quickly for sure.
I only want to wait to sleep with a woman if that is her actual value set. I don't want to wait if she has slept with other guys quickly and is just making me wait to impress me. I don't feel impressed at all, I feel like I wasn't as sexy as some other guy she slept with right away.
I'm saying just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. If he doesn't get turned off by you sleeping with him quickly then great. If he does, then you did both of you a favor by not getting something started under false pretenses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): "What shall I do?"
Calm the fuck down!!!
Pardon my language OP but all the signs are good but you're getting too far ahead of yourself when you really don't know this guy at all. The biggest threat to this whole thing is you getting carried away. So calm down!
You're over thinking this whole thing like a teenager whose just been asked out by her crush.
You're right to be a bit scared OP, you're at risk of blowing this by coming on too strong too fast and seeming desperate or just being too intense too soon. You have to keep reminding yourself that you don't know him, you only barely know him and you liking him this much is irrational and you have to keep your wits about you. He may actually be blowing you off now and if you let yourself get carried away you may get very hurt by a guy who seems interested but you're far too emotionally invested for a person who's only been on 3 dates.
In my opinion the sex wasn't too soon if he's still in contact, everything looks good so far, so yeah, why not ask him for another date?
As for the coming off the website thing; two weeks OP, two weeks!!! By asking him that you're basically asking for exclusivity after 2 weeks. Too soon.
All you can hope for and get right now is a 4th date. So focus on making that happen and forget everything else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2012):
 I would let him pursue you a bit now, honestly. If he wasn't interested I think he would have quit the texing/calling as soon as you had slept together.
Yes, 2 weeks is kinda soon, but given you 2.5 years with out a partner, I don't really "blame" you.
I would just take it a tad slower from now on. Sometimes getting the "sex" out of the way early can be a good thing. Specially if it was good. That way you two can focus on getting to know each other (other then in the bedroom). 30 miles is nothing though, not if he really want to see you.
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