A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, we've been together for 7 months and it feels very right, like I've found my soul mate. I've been through enough abusive/controlling/violent and generally unhappy relationships to know that I'm definitely onto a good thing and really want this to last forever, I don't think I've ever been truly happy until I met him.I started university about a month ago so my bf and I have been doing the long-distance thing and seeing eachother every weekend. So far it's been working pretty well and hasn't put any strain on our relationship.There's a guy on my course that I get on really well with but I wasn't sure if he liked me as a friend or was attracted to me so I avoided socialising with him too much, particularly when alcohol was involved. This is mainly because I'm really bad at turning down people's sexual advances, even more so with this guy as I am also quite physically attracted to him.However, the night before last i bumped into him in the pub while I was on a night out with a friend. He invited us to join him and his friends and we went to a club together and got very very drunk. We got on really well, talking for hours about everything. He admitted he was still in love with his ex and only ever has sex with people he's in love with, so I found it easier to relax as realised he wasn't just trying to get in my pants, he genuinely liked me as a person. By the time we were really drunk we basically admitted we were attracted to eachother but neither of us would do anything about it because of my boyfriend.We agreed to go out the following night (last night). After a few drinks he had his arm around me again. After a few more drinks we ended up dancing intimately together. I couldn't help but enjoy teasing him by pressing my body into his, and various subtle gestures that I knew were driving him wild (all more affectionate than sexual). He tried to kiss me on the lips a few times, I would lead him on then pull away at the last minute. We spent the rest of the night acting like a couple, he would hold my hand in his and rest his head on my shoulder staring up at me adoringly like a love-sick puppy. I really enjoyed the power of knowing that he was attracted to me. It reached the point where it wasn't even sexual attraction, it was like he was falling in love with me and I was just enjoying the attention. I read into his personality that he was lonely and wasn't looking for a one-night stand, he wanted affection, so for some reason I just felt like messing with his head. Sick, I know.This morning I sent him an apologetic text, basically saying I lose self-control when drunk and although I'm attracted to him it was all a bit of a pointless exercise as we were both in love with other people. He replied by saying I'm gorgeous and he doesn't feel like he's in love with her anymore. I get a horrible feeling I've created a monster here.Anyway, so that's the insanely long story. I'm seeing my boyfriend this weekend and although I didn't do anything that really fits into the catagory of cheating as none of it was very sexual, I still feel guilty. Should I tell my bf what happened? More importantly, I'm seriously confused. I've only ever cheated on one person before and that's because I was unhappy in the relationship. But I'm really incredibly happy with my current bf, so what was last night all about?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Ok this exact same thing happened to me when I went away to uni aged 18. I had the most perfect boyfriend - I really loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We were happy even though we were doing the long distance, see each other at weekends thing. But during the week while I was out with friends and generally enjoying uni life, I realised quite a few men were attracted to me and the attention felt really good, and it was addictive. So even though I loved my boyfriend I loved the attention too and found it very hard to say no.
Eventually after doing a similar sort of thing that you have done a couple of times I ended up cheating on my boyfriend and decided that I wasnt in love with my boyfriend any more and just wanted to be young, free and single.
I think the reason I acted like this and the reason why it is also happening to you is a combination of a few things.
1. Lack of maturity - at 18/19 you think you are all grown up but in reality you havent finished maturing and wont be fully mature until about 21/22. Playing with men's emotions and feelings is all a game at that age, and it is fun. At that age girls are very selfish and tend to only think about what they enjoy and what makes them feel good (especially when drinking!). Whereas when you get a bit older it gives you the perspective to stop thinking about only yourself and consider others in the situation.
2. New-found freedom. I think when you go away to uni for the first time the new freedom you acquire is very addictive! You are free of your parents, your boyfriend is a long way away. You can do what you want, go where you want, dress however you want etc - certainly in my case this all went to my head and I loved being free to be my own person. And this spilled over into the way I behaved around men - there was no-one watching what I did anymore and there was no way that any of my behaviour would get back to anyone so I just did what I wanted to do!
What you did with this guy was a bit harsh and toying with people's emotions is not good, but it happens to a lot of people your age so dont beat yourself up about it. It wasnt cheating, you got tempted by someone else and may have been playing around a little but you didnt give in to temptation (you could have easily slept with him or kissed him) so what you did wasnt cheating.
What you are going through is entirely normal and your first year at uni will be the most testing on your relationship. I personally dont know a single person that I went to uni with, or any of my friends back at home, that managed to stay with the boyfriend/girlfriend they had when they first went to uni. It is a sad fact of life I'm afraid - Uni changes you as a person and you grow apart, you lead seperate lives and you find you have nothing left in common.
I think when you meet someone pre-uni you are still young enough to be totally consumed in that relationship and you are not old enough to see that between the ages of 18 and 22 your life will change beyond all recognition, and those changes will change you as a person so staying with the same person that you were with before uni is a horribly difficult task!
There is a chance you might work but you need to try so very hard to make the relationship work, and that will mean in future no more nights out with men you are physically attracted to. You need to realise that keeping you and your boyfriend together will be the hardest thing you ever have to do, so you cannot make things harder by going out clubbing with guys you fancy and flirting with them! To make this relationship last you are going to have to make sacrifices and at times you will have to miss out on elements of the "uni experience'. You just need to decide if the relationship is worth making these sacrifices for?
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): It looks to me like this helps you to further strengthen your loyalty to your BF and afforded you a "step out of the box" of your relationship.
Seems to me that you are a strong person and you just made a fast intimate friend - perhaps temporary.
You have to ask yourself whether you want to bring this up or whether you'd like to deal with it if and when it ever comes to light.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (30 October 2009):
I'd be cautious of this new guy. He says he's in love with his ex... then one dance with you and he's not in love with HER anymore, now he's all goo goo over you? He only ever has sex with people he loves? Sounds to me like he "falls in LOVE" pretty easily. And if that's the case then I bet he falls OUT pretty easily too. Also, sounds like he's the kind of guy who if you aren't careful might get WAY too attached, WAY too fast... I knew a guy like that once. It got weird. Try to find something besides having power over men sexually to get a boost of self esteem from. Getting self esteem from sources outside yourself is unreliable... if he's into you your up, what happens when he's not? Are you down? You can't always control other people.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Drunkiness aside, I consider what you did cheating. You held hands, pressed into him, let him put his arm around you, basically leading him on like you're on a date.
I think you lack self esteem.
'I really enjoyed the power of knowing that he was attracted to me'.
'I was just enjoying the attention'.
'I just felt like messing with his head'.
'I'm really bad at turning down people's sexual advances'
If you tell your BF, he may not trust you, making any of your relationship insecurities worse.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 October 2009):
You didn't cheat, but you soon will if you continue like this. Perhaps your previous, abusive relationships are precenting you from truly committing to one guy, or perhaps your confidence is low that when a guy shows you attention, you have to lap it up because it makes you feel good? (you say yourself you enjoyed the attention). This needs to be addressed, because if you really love your boyfriend and continue like this, you'll lose him and be left very upset.
As for telling him, if a lot of people saw you doing it and there is even a small chance it will get back to him, you need to tell him because it will be better coming from you than someone else. You are less likely to lose him if you come clean, than if someone else says it for you. If you do lose him, then that's the price and you will really need to spend time on yourself and focusing on yourself. Be very careful when you get drunk as well, or you may end up doing something you really regret. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Violet009  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I've done exactly this same thing when I was with an ex. I met this guy and we just clicked he was totally into me and I was also attracted to him but we couldnt do anything as I had a boyfriend and loved him. However I did tease him and flirted with him and did everything but kiss him and I know that was really low of me. But I was drunk while doing this. and I know thats not much an excuse but I have to admit I loved the power I felt while doing it.
The next day I felt terrible and text the guy I'm sorry but you know nothing can happen etc and I think it was part of a power trip and having someone really like you thats also not your boyfriend is an ego boost.
I then told my boyfriend about it as I wanted to be honest with him. He took it well but I realised that if I wanted to stay happy with my boyfriend then I shouldnt let myself get drunk with the other guy and I stopped.
I know thats not much advice but I hope it in someway helped. Just because you were flirting with this other guy doesnt mean you arent into your boyfriend.
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