A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So devastated I can't eat, or sleep, am an absolute mess.Suppose you're in a relationship with a divorced man... His ex-wife is aware of your relationship, and she harbors hatred and spite towards you... they get on well and see each other because they have a kid together.This is what's devastating me... I play the violin in an orchestra and we performed Handels Messiah last week... he came to see my performance, but he came with her, and with his kid. It caused me pain to see her there and I prayed and prayed that she would go away. I love music more than anything (note I said THING) in the world, but my heart hurt so much I could barely concentrate. He always kisses me when we say good-bye, but all he did was hug me. Then, he left with his kid and with HER... NO kiss. It's been hurting me ever since.I've noticed that whenever she's around, that his way of being changes. She knows about our relationship, but he never kisses me around her. I always trusted him, and we were best friends before going a step beyond that. Our relationship is complicated to explain, but I've always told him everything and I am so afraid of being abandoned all over again. I need security and to be able to to have someone I trust not to break my heart.I've never told him how I truly feel about him, which is hurting me because I've always told him everything. But, I love him so much and want to share my life with him. I can't live without him. See my flag? I'm originally from France... but... I nearly forgot to mention that I'm overseas right now. I came to play music in the orchestra, but I met him and so I've put my life on hold to stay in his country when I haven't seen my family in a long time. I've set him free when I felt he needed wings, I've been there for him, I've risked and sacrificed everything. I truly love him. I dn't know exactly why, but I truly love him just for being him.He has this kid. Honestly? I understand that his child needs him, and he is a really good father, he works three jobs to provide everything for his child. I have never asked him not to, because if he weren't a responsible father, I'd lose all respect for him. It makes me sad to be #2 because I always dreamed of finding someone who would be all mine. But, it's a child, and I don't feel threatened by a child because it's a different relationship. It doesn't upset me to see him being a loving father. I can deal with his kid.What hurts is that he has this tie to her, and his jealous ex makes me feel very threatened. What hurts me is that his kid is a tie to his ex wife. She's the mother of his child and she was his bride once and I don't think I will ever be any of those things to him.Does this mean he's falling in love with her again?I'm so afraid that she has pulled him away from me and that he's going to go back to her. I am agonizing because I need to know why he didn't kiss me, I have spent my weekend in angry tears. He was my best friend before anything and we've always shared everything... why would he go back to his ex suddenly, and without giving me a warning?I've had my heart broken by a series of guys, but I just THOUGHT I loved them. I REALLY love him. My heart can't deal with another blow, because I am all out of strong. It's hurting me now.I must just be STUPID!!! I have this effect on men, they think I'm just a toy. But, I thought this man was nice and sweet. Why am I so STUPID??? What's WRONG with me? Why do people treat me like I'm a toy? I'm not one but nobody seems to get that. Could he be falling in love with her again?
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Sweety, you have a really low self esteem from the way you've handled the whole situation. You need to start loving yourself and not doing things that *hurt* you for the sake of accommodating someone else.You haven't told him your feelings for him but 'you've *put your life on hold* to stay in his country when you haven't seen your family in a long time. You've set him free when you felt he needed wings, You've been there for him, You've risked and *sacrificed everything*.' And yet you haven't told him what you would like from him in return?! By not telling him your feelings and not checking that he feels the same way and wants the same commitment, you are *allowing yourself to be hurt.*This first issue about your sense of self worth spills over into my next point. How he is acting...If you haven't been explicit about what your needs are, if you haven't told him you love him, if he hasn't committed to *loving* you too; technically he doesn't have to treat you like the love of his life by kissing you in front of his ex wife when it's awkward for him for example.Another issue you want work on is assertiveness and communication. You were unhappy that he didn't kiss you as he always does. You need to realise that your feelings and opinions matter too. Express them to him. Explain to him how it made you feel. Ask him why he did that. And decide together how to you will both act around his ex. It is eating you up inside that you feel hard done by and have done nothing about it.Enough about you... Let's talk about your partner.There are a couple of red flags for me. He left with her and the son? I don't understand why they had to go together? He should have a relationship with his son ofcourse, but unless they had doctor's appointment to go to together with him, I don't see why he had to go with them instead of staying with you. If he was married to you now, he wouldn't have gone off with another woman with no explanation to you. He spends time with his son but his ex does not need to be there at the same time. Ofcourse they should be friends but not act like a family unit.Also, you said 'I've set him free when I felt he needed wings' what does this mean? what kind of wings did he need at your expense? Maybe give a bit more detail so I can help...Finally, you say 'I can't live without him'... WRONG - yes, yes, yes you can live without him. You have grown up to this age without him and yes you can definitely keep going without him. Thinking you can't live without him is opening yourself up to ill treatment from him and all the other guys you mentioned. If you believe that you literally will not go another day without a person, more often than not, they take advantage of you... This is why you're now asking Why do people treat me like I'm a toy? You *choose* to share your life with him because he is good for you!Isn't he? If he's not, then you can *choose* not to share your life with him. And you'll live. Without him. You will find someone else who is good for you and makes you happy and you will choose to spend your life with them instead.Good luck hun. You find yourself in a really tough spot. Physically and emotionally isolated from your support group. You're dependent on this relationship in the country you're in because you said you wouldn't have stayed if not for him.I really really hope that you find the strength in yourself to *respect yourself enough to expect as much as you give in a relationship*
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2013): Maybe he didn't kiss her because he doesn't want to rub it in his ex's face that he is in a happy relationship. You said that his ex habours hate and spite towards you - maybe he wants to protect you and not add fuel to that fire.
...............................
A
female
reader, amazingk  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 Are you sure he's divorced? Not just by way of "taking his word for it" but having actually SEEN the legal divorce decree??? Men lie, as I've fallen for this one... If he's divorced he'll either have or be able to acquire the paperwork to prove it.
In the event that he is actually a divorced man, how long has he been divorced? If it's been less than a couple years you can forget about it. Divorced people jump back in the dating game almost instantly, but aren't ready for a real commitment to someone else until quite a while later.
Set aside for a moment your fear of "whether or not he's falling in love with her again" (which you have no control over anyways) and focus instead on what this whole situation is doing to YOU! You're an emotional wreck behind this man that clearly hasn't moved on from the past in a way that would allow your relationship with him to flourish and grow. No woman should be made to feel as though she's the third wheel in her own relationship. Love is NOT torture, and you definitely sound like someone being abused emotionally. There is a way to have a child with your ex-spouse and have it just be that without it looking like he's got two relationships going on.
A man that's with you FIRST and respects you FIRST will put your feelings FIRST. He does not sound like that man. Please don't worry about what he's doing and do for yourself what he's not doing: Love yourself and don't allow yourself to be hurt this way. A man that wants you doesn't come around with another woman, let alone a family, on his arm.
Take care of yourself first because he wouldn't do anything less for himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): He brought her to your concert, with you playing beautiful music. Look at my talented girlfriend. See how well I've done now. He's proud to show you off. He's not getting back together with his ex. It's great that they are on good terms. It's great that she can see the woman who is possibly going to be having something of an influence on her son's life.
Please swallow your feelings when you see her and act graciously. Just pretend you like and respect her. Pretend you wish her well. Start to feel compassion for her. If you try, you will start to experience these feelings and you will see she is just a human, with hopes and fears like the rest of us. Yes she was his bride, but that was long ago and it's over now. Now they have nothing in common apart from a child.
If you could experience inside her mind, you might find she is in fact in awe of you, being an exotic talented French musician. I sure as hell would be!! It's mature of her to be able to come to your concert, and it shows she is not in love with your boyfriend. Otherwise she would not be able to handle that, trust me.
As for why he doesn't kiss in front of her, he could just feel awkward. Kissing is a pretty private activity. Wait until you are alone, see how passionate his kisses are then.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 March 2013):
 Some men hang onto their ex for the sake of the children, some do not.
It's really hard to have a relationship with someone who is divorced but still hangs out with his ex wife. They share little jokes and know eachother much better than anyone else knows them...it's a hard environment to infiltrate.
It was insensitive of him to bring his wife to your concert, he should have known it was wrong. Maybe it's time you had a talk to him and told him you accept his child in your lives but you do not accept his wife!...he needs to know how you feel.
I can't help but think this man is quite a bit older than you and maybe he thinks your feelings are not as important as his own. Talk to him, let him know what he is doing is not acceptable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): I forgot to clarify that he was also part of the performance, as he sings solos in the choir. That's how we met, through music. If that's even relevant. I'm such a mess, I can't even write properly.
Well, one of my doubts that's eating at me is... could he be in love with her again?
BUt, I'm agonizing over why he won't kiss me in front of her and I'm agonizing because I'm so afraid he won't kiss me again.
Thanks if you can help me... it's killing me.
I've never told him how much I love him because I'm so afraid I'll push him away.
...............................
|
