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Can't shake feeling that ex will come back

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Long distance, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My ex and I had a LDR for 1 month shy of 2 years. During the relationship there were many fights, and we'd often break up and reconcile constantly - sometimes multiple times a month. I'm very aware that a bulk of our problems came from me lying to him constantly, mostly wanting to control his perception of me or too insecure to admit somethings about my self.

We broke up over 2 months ago and after 9 wks of complete no contact I broke down and contacted him only to have him explicitly say he was done and I had completely lost his trust in me. Even still I cannot shake the feeling of hope that we will reconcile; probably because we constantly spoke about being the greatest love of eachother's lives, soulmates, plans for the future, and just having an overrall very deeply emotional bond.

But i dont want to wake up in 6 months and realize he really meant being done and not having moved on in my life at all.

What can I do?

View related questions: broke up, insecure, shy, soulmate

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

OP here. Thank you to each person who took time to answer. I needed to hear all of it, even the parts that were hard to swallow.

To the person who assumed I meant moving into another relationship, that's incorrect. I don't see myself dating again for a long time if at all.

I want to improve myself and become the type of person who was deserving of my ex's love in the first place- not with the end goal of winning him back (although if this happened i'd be ecstatic) but just as my way of honoring the relationship and the bond we had. My type of closure I guess.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI think he meant what he said. If you live in hope then you will only keep hurting yourself. I think you need to accept this relationship is over, then you need to work out why the lies. If you loved him why not be honest with him? You need to get help for this issue or all relationships will fail as trust needs to be there.

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (30 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntUnfortunately, you can love someone wholeheartedly and that still doesn't necessarily make them a good fit for you. It sounds like you and your ex loved each other a lot, but also brought out a lot of the worst in each other. Lying, fighting and repetitive breakups are not the stuff healthy relationships are made of. That doesn't make either of you bad people; it just means the two you were not as good a match for one another as you might have believed.

I'm very sorry to hear you are hurting, but I'm afraid you have to take him at his word when he tells you that things are over, because chances are he means it. It's time for you to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. Reconnect with friends (or make new ones), try new hobbies (or rediscover old ones), focus on physical and emotional self-care. Take comfort in knowing that time will take away a great deal of the pain and upset you feel about this situation.

Focus on being the best version of yourself that you possibly can and the rest will come. The right person for you will make you feel all of the great things your ex did, with none of the need for lying or hiding. You're now free to keep looking for that person.

I hope this helps you. Best wishes as you move forward with your life.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (30 October 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntMove on and plan your future without him .... if you start building a life where you are self sufficient, taking care of all your needs, emotional, spiritual and physical and he comes back he will be the cherry on the cake rather than the cake itself.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (30 October 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAnd yet, despite this deep emotional bond, you still could not stop yourself lying to him. Why?

Your ex sounds like he has had enough of your lies, and who can blame him?

Rather than "moving on", by which I assume you mean getting into another relationship, I think this is the perfect time to reflect on the root of why you had to ruin such a good relationship because you could not stop lying. If you simply "move on" without sorting this out, every relationship will end the same way. There is no point in being in a relationship with a partner you cannot trust and, sooner or later, all your partners will realise this.

Get help to sort our your insecurity issues so that, going forward, you can feel confident in who you are and not feel you need to lie to keep someone's interest. You never know, if you get help, your ex may even relent and give you one more chance. If he does, don't blow it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):


It sounds very much as if he meant what he said. Take it that you are no longer in his thoughts and that you will not see him again.

Use this time to work out why you felt the need to behave as you did. Lying etc. Your self esteem may be low, or you may have behaviours that you're not proud of, so seek to change those, perhaps with the help of a professional counsellor, before going back to dating.

Good luck

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