A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is my story, I don't know if I overreact or not.I chatted up this girl in late November last year through a dating app. We talked a bit but there was nothing going on, she said she was busy, working on a project day and night and had to travel later so only had time to meet or anything weeks later. So I let her be, and chatted other girls and tried to set up dates, without much success at that time.Some time later when I remembered that she might be free for a date I chatted her up again and sent her a funny picture that made her laugh and she said OK, it was hilarious so she definitely wanted to meet me, and she was less busy so she could. We met that evening, had a few drinks and since it went well, I asked her out the next day again. We went out and it was all good. The day after that I suggested that I'd go up to her place for drinks, she said yes. We had a few drinks and ended up having sex. I know it was a bit early but until then we chatted day and night too when we were not together and we definitely started to feel a connection after these days and we were also curious.We went on meeting with each other almost every day and by the end of December she told me she had feelings for me but insisted that it's not a relationship yet, but we're on the way there if I wanted that too. It was fine with me because I felt we were getting closer.Soon after that we officially became a couple and have been together since then. My problem is that I got to know that like 5 days we had sex (that was also before we met), with antoher guy. She was visiting her hometown and they got really drunk with an old friend on his birthday and so it happened. She said it didn't mean anything to her, it was just a "silly drunken thing". The strange thing is that it didn't use to bother me much but now it does, since we're more serious. It bugs me that I might not have been that special to her or anything, but maybe she was just "easy" and I was just another guy she had sex with within a week. She says she has no feelings for her and it was before we met in person and had we met before this wouldn't have happened, since it was the moment she met me when she became interested in me and since then she wants to be with me and no one else, but at that time she didn't even know if we'd even meet in person. She hadn't had sex before that for months either so maybe because it was for that reason too. (she's actually picky in that respect, I actually know an attractive guy who's kind of a ladies' man, he's a friend of mine and he said he was pretty annoyed because she turned him down earlier).Am I right to be jealous or am I overreacting? She tells me she loves me every hour and that hasn't been with anyone since we met in person. I talked to her about this and she said she was sorry that she even told me the story and wants to help me get over it, she even suggested that we go talk to a therapist to help my insecurities and jealousy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2016): "Even if you had been judging her on her past it's your right. Don't apologize for feeling however you feel"This attitude drives me MAD!!! If you dislike her past, DUMP her. You have no right at all to keep dating someone you have such disdain for. So many men like this think it's perfectly reasonable to stay with a woman and punish her for her past as if it makes them morally superior in some way.Seriously if you can't handle that a woman had more game than you before you met, end it and find yourself someone who is 'worthy' (and probably has a very low sex drive which really bodes well for your future - ha!) and leave the rest of the women to get on with their lives.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): The problem is not you. The problem is her. She overrules your decision not to bring up her past. She tells you anyway, sometimes swinging way below the belt with it. When you don't react in a positive way (the way SHE decided she wanted you to react) she starts hitting you below the belt with the insecurity shit. She sounds more insecure than you are. She is not playing fair. She made this whole mess. Its not her choice how you feel about any of it. Feel however you want. Get turned off. Disgusted. Whatever. You are not wrong or weak for having a negative reaction to her unattractive behavior. She even admitted she would have reacted negatively if you had done the same thing. You are not "judging her on her past" if she is busy dragging it all into the present like this. Even if you had been judging her on her past it's your right. Don't apologize for feeling however you feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I will have to add some info to this so you understand more what bothers me.I think it's not the things that happened but I think she's a bit insensitive about these things.Once she started to talk about how she dated a guy and then started talking about her penis and stuff. I told her that I really don't want to hear about this because it may be irrational and everything, but I am just sensitive to these issues. Though she didn't stop. She was like "I hooked up with this and that guy" and one time when she was angry because I didn't focus on her she went "OK, other guys have bigger dicks anyway".I was really angry then, we broke up for a day or two. She cried, she said she was sorry, I went back to her. Immediately she went "you know I didn't say this because I like bigger dicks, for example I dated this guy once and his dick was sooo big it hurt and that's not nice" and I was like no, no, no, please, just stop it. She said it was just to help me that she didn't like bigger penises but I just failed to see why we went into this topic anyway,Then just this morning I asked her if she told me about these things to make me feel jealous (she told me that if I had told her that I had just had sex with someone a few days before me, she would have been a bit jealous too and would have thought that I was a player or something). She said no, she didn't say that because of it and when I got a bit more secure she went like "but it was a mistake anyway and I should have waited for you to be puuure and everything" in a sarcastic tone. And that she's just tired of us doing this, "not being able to say anyting because it hurts me". Which I can see but it's not because of me, I told her I didn't want to discuss these things in detail early enough.I mean I might be over-sensitive about these things but everyone has their flaws. So does she. But I think in a relationship you just take this into consideration. For example I might find it funny that someone is afraid of clowns but if I love them I don't laugh about it and don't take them to the state fair on purpose and then laugh at them for "being afraid of the biiiig baaaad clowns" and when they become sad I don't say that I am just tired of "not being able to go with them anywhere".I hope you see what I am saying.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2016):
 I don't understand why you would be jealous of this specific guy, though.
If you are one who's jealous of the past ,so be it - but then why you are not also jealous of the guy before him, and the one before that etc.etc. ? I mean, when you and this girl started dating she was not a virgin and you knew it, you must have assumed that she had had other boyfriends, or even hook ups. And you were cool with it . So why is it that the last one , and only him, bothers you ?....
.. Because when she was with her other previous lovers you did not even know she existed, but you knew she existed 5 days before you met ?...
Seriously OP ? ...You had not even met in person !, you did not even know each other's face , both of you had no idea if your first date was going to beget other dates or to remain , as it often happens, an one time only date ! You had not had any physical or emotional intimacy, you had not, I suppose, talked about love and feelings.... at the time you were just chatting each other up , it could have ended in nothing, it went very close to end in nothing, as it ended in nothing with the other girls that YOU tried chatting up after you had already made contact with your current GF.
You are exactly on the same boat as her, the only difference is that she got lucky and scored, while you did not- but , I'd say, the intention was the same.
If one of the other ladies had asked you out and hit on you 5 days before your date with the current one, ...would you have turned her down saying " No sorry, I can't do anything with you because in 5 days I am going to meet another girl whom I have been chatting up a bit too " ? Sorry but I can't believe it.
In practice, what you are saying is, that if you contact a girl, or multiple girls in fact, as it generally happens on dating sites, and exchange a few texts and emails, none of them is supposed to do anything with no other man, in the off chance that you may prefer her among all the others and decide that you want to date her.
Talk about " you had me at hallo " ! :). Basically , you wanted her to feel " You had me at : hey, why don't we we go for drinks one of these days ".
A tiny bit presumptuous , isn't it ? And anyway, as I am sure you know if you are an Internet dater,... that's simply not the way it goes .
Wait. I could understand your frame of mind if she had had sex with this other guy 5 days AFTER meeting you .
She still would have been technically well within her rights, since at the time there was no official committment and no pact of exclusivity- but just technically; I can understand perfectly if you had thought a hook up 5 days AFTER meeting you was inappropriate,inelegant or questionable behaviour, or a sign of flightiness, of not being serious about relationships, etc. etc. Lots of people do have a problem with multiple dating, with or without a committment talk.
But 5 days BEFORE she even had seen your face ?
That 's stretching territoriality a bit much .
I guess you could see it , rationally- unfortunately, retroactive jealousy is not a rational thing far from it...
But then, so, back to my question : if you suffer from RJ, why only partial ? Why this one guy only ?...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): Why do you care about this guy so much? You think he is thinking twice about you? He probably doesn't even know you lol. If she liked him so much don't you think she would be with him instead of you now? Also, she is not easy because you are the one who suggested to have drinks up at her place. YOU are the one who escalated and had you not she probably would have waited. She liked YOU and had sex with YOU because she wanted YOU. Not because she was easy. If she didn't want YOU she would have turned you down like the many other guys she turned down before she met you. Its not that difficult man you are just overthinking and complicating things. You are willing to throw away what seems like a good relationship for something so trivial? I know many guys who would kill for a girlfriend let alone a decent girl like yours. Focus on your girls positive aspects man and appreciate her before you lose something good.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 May 2016):
 I agree with the OP... She shouldn't have told him anything. Why bring up the past? What good can it possibly do? How exactly is it going to benefit your partner if you tell them? After a certain age, when we get into relationships we just assume that out partner has a past just like we have, but we'd rather not hear about it. By bringing up unnecessary details, it looks like one is either bragging or just trying to make the other person jealous.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 May 2016):
Thanks OP, I didn't realise she'd brought it up first as we often see posts from men who ask these questions knowing the answer might cause them distress, so sorry about the assumption. That being said, I don't necessarily agree with you on the jealousy thing. My ex (together 6 years until last year) mentioned a few things he did with his exes over the years and none of them made me feel jealous. I can see where you are coming from, but jealousy in any form is poison to a relationship and it really would benefit you to work on that, whether you stay with this girlfriend or not.
Now for the benefit of the male anon, I'd like to share a story with you. One of my exes was an 18-30 holiday rep before I met him and he had threesomes, foursomes, sex with hookers, men, 60 year old women and goodness knows what else! He also got banned from driving for being drunk at the wheel. But you know what? He was young, stupid and going through a hard time, and by the time I met him he was a totally different person. Despite being ashamed of it, he told me about his past because he believed in honesty and it had no bearing on how I felt about him whatsoever. We split up after a year because he moved to Australia (a long-time dream of his), but he's now married with a gorgeous baby girl and you couldn't find a more faithful and doting dad and husband if you tried.
In my book, people can and do make mistakes or even go through self-destructive phases, but these things don't define them. I judge someone SOLELY on how they treat me now rather than what they did in the past, and I certainly don't punish someone for trusting me enough to open up about their past either. You are of course entitled to seek whatever qualities you want in a partner, but I find it sad that you can't support those who wish to change their negative thought patterns in order to develop a happier relationship with the person they are with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): If "the past doesn't count" then try telling her you used to sleep with hookers a lot, and you have been married 3 other times already, and you have some felonies on your record, and you declared bankruptcy to avoid a ton of financial debt a couple years ago.
Let's see how irrelevant the past is when the shoe is on the other foot.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 I have to disagree with you, sharing your past with your partner is a good thing, I agree that you don't need to hear any of the details, but you should be secure enough in your relationship that if she tells you who she was with it should not matter, it was before you and her where together, she could have slept with 20 guys and it should still be okay to tell you. Who are you to judge that she is easy? You must be easy as well then if you slept with her after a few days.
OP I can understand that you must be a jealous person, but she is sharing her past with you not to make you jealous but just to let you know who she is. If my guy had friends he had slept with and didn't tell me I would find that harder to deal with than if he just told me the truth, because I am secure enough in my relationship to know that just because he had sex with someone in the past does not mean he wants to do it again, I trust that he wants to be with me. Maybe you do need to go to therapy because if you do not work on controlling this then you may end up losing her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@jls022@jls022: It would have been better if she hadn't told me anything. I think talking about stuff like this never does any good and I just see it as a way to make someone jealous because it's not good for anything else in my opinion. Had she not told me I would have been okay because I knew of course that she had sex with other people but in my opinion that's all I need to know, and when someone goes into details I just find it rude. I mean I have done my thing with other girls in the past too, girls I meet regularly because we are now friends or work together or just live in the same area but I don't tell her what happened between them and me because I am 100% sure that I would never have sex with them again or have any feelings for them but telling such stuff to her could appear to her that a. i still have feelings for them or something like that or b. I just want to make het jealous. Neither of these things lead to anything good.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (11 May 2016):
I'd like to ask you a question OP and I'm not trying to catch you out, I'm genuinely interested in the answer. Would you rather she had refused to tell you about her past? Would that make you question her more do you think (thinking she has something to hide) or would you believe it's better not to know to avoid situations like this? I assume you wouldn't want her to lie (rightly so), so I'm just wondering what your ideal situation would be here (aside from her never having done it)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I think you're right. The problem is that she simply shouldn't have told me this but she didn't know that I am sensitive to these issues and choose not to know about any of this stuff if possible. But now I do and I guess I'll have to deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Militaryman1234 +, writes (11 May 2016):
 Hey bro this is just my advice. If It was before you it was fair game. I can understand how it can make you feel un easy but its not her fault. She never even met you! If you have strong feelings for her and your liking your relationship and the direction its heading I strongly advise you not to throw away for something in the past that you can not change. And im sure if your lady knew her future with you before this happened it wouldnt have happened. I would listen to your girl and try to logicaly think about this. Theres no reason for you to be jealious.. Enjoy her for all the things She does to make you happy. Enjoy your relationship and your love. And let go of the past especially since you have no control of it and it has nothing to even do with you.. I wish you and your girl the best of luck
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 May 2016):
Yes OP, you're need to get over your insecurity because what happened before you met her doesn't count. It was in her past and you were not a part of that past. You're ruining what could be an amazing relationship by fixating on something this irrelevant. Maybe she should never have told you this because not only does he past not concern you in any way, it's also given you a head full of ideas which is driving you up the wall.
Who doesn't have a past OP? Don't you? Haven't you had sex with anyone other than her? Does that make you easy? Don't punish your girlfriend for her actions OP, you're making her feel worse than you realize. Go talk to a therapist if necessary. But believe me, this is all in your hands. Just let go of something that doesnt matter and never did.
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