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Can a true relationship be achieved without the affection and the touchy part?

Tagged as: Age differences, Breaking up, Dating, Health, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

our sex life has slowly deteriorated.

He blames it on my weight gain but many people including male friends and family have advised me that the weight is not the problem.

He won't see a doctor cause he blames it on me, however he is 11 years older than me.

I am engaged to this man for 4 years and I am wondering if this a mistake all together and love has died. I know he cares but maybe not enough as a lover or partner. He is also a person who has a hard time to show compassion or affection.

I told him I like for him to hold my hand in public or just randomly kiss me or hug and he is not like that never have never will.

I feel like I am too much of an affectionate person to live without that.

Is it just me or can a true relationship be achieved without the affection and touchy part? I need advise because sometimes I wonder if I'm just overly sensitive about things.

View related questions: engaged, sex life

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAll relationships are different, and people want and expect different things. Yes it would work if both people did not like being affectionate. But in this case you do and he doesn't. To be honest it doesn't sound like you both are a good match at all. Only he knows why he doesn't want to be intimate with you. If you have gained weight and want to feel fitter then eat better and get more exercise, if you are happy with yourself then talk to him and ask him where this relationship is going. Don't marry someone if you are having these doubts. I don't think this relationship is meeting your needs and that is important.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017):

If you're having issues and he's unwilling to speak to you his fiance or see a doctor then it's time to reevaluate your relationship. Also, he is blaming you for this issue. Personally I would dump this guy like a hot potato. Marriage is for good and bad. Not just for the skinny. What will he do if illness happens? This is a huge red flag on how he can't work through problems. You may need to throw this fish back in the pond and count yourself lucky for seeking it.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (18 March 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt " True " for whom ?

Yes, in general I think it is possible to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship even without plenty of PDA or physical contact . Some people are just not touchy feely, or are naturally shy, or have been raised in an environment where physical demonstrations were unusual or frown upon, - or just they privilege other ways but physical touch to show affection and devotion. BUT- they have to be two people on the same wavelength and neither one must feel that this is a big deal and that they are being deprived or shortchanged.

So I think you answered your own question : " I am too much of an affectionate person to live without that ".

For you this is a very essential ,important need that is not being fulfilled as long as you stay with this man.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think if YOU are not having your NEEDS met and fulfilled then you are SETTLING.

And settling rarely means being happy.

Now it CAN be that your weight gain is something HE isn't a fan of, but you would think if it was SO off-putting to him he would end it and walk away instead of staying and BLAMING you.

I don't think you are being over-sensitive. I think HE is being unfair and you are scared to start over with someone else perhaps?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017):

Regardless of everything: can you live without this in your life?

I cannot. I would have to leave. As isn't just about satisfaction, it's about feeling loved and accepted for every part of you. It's about being close and feeling wanted by someone else and wanting someone else so completely that you want to express this through physical actions.

No physical intimacy would be a deal breaker for me. Let alone no sex.

If it is about your weight - would you try to change that? If you're happy and healthy as you are then don't change, it doesn't sound worth it.

My advice is: you don't sound happy. It doesn't matter why these issues exist. If he isn't willing to change and you can't (in my opinion you also shouldn't have to) live without this loving intimacy, then find someone who can give you those things.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago + , writes (17 March 2017):

Trust, love and communication is very important in a healthy relationship. Marriage is about something more, and involves moving up in life together, better or worse becoming better people.

If you both can not move beyond suck issues, then I would highly be against marrying into this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017):

If you need affection and to be touched and held then by all means you should seek out a partner who gives you what you need and deserve. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be held, kissed and caressed. MOST of the population needs that. Yes there are some that don't require affection or require a minimum of that and they are the type of people that are for the most part better off not being in serious relationships unless they have a partner who feels the same.

If you stay with this man you will be depriving yourself of basic needs. It will only be a matter of time before you will start to doubt yourself, possibly become depressed, insecure or maybe even angry. It may even lead you to want to cheat just because you are so starved for affection.

Do yourself a favor and end things. You want and need and deserve more than this man can offer. He will never be able to make you happy acting as he does.

Be happy my dear. Life is too short to try and make a relationship work when one person just can't give what is needed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017):

I guess if two people liked each other's way of thinking and both disliked any form of personal contact and recoiled if anyone ever showed them any affection, then Yes, a relationship between the two might work.

As two like minds would always be on the same page.

To those of us who enjoy touch the above relationship would not be acceptable.

I think you need to seek a relationship where you are cherished, supported and subject to genuine loving demonstrative affection. I don't think your current partner is capable of being the partner you need.

Interestingly Ashley Graham, who is a high earning plus size model, says that boys used to drop her, due to the boys insecurity about her weight. Ashley Graham has had the last laugh, now she is a highly sought after plus size model. see:

Ashley Graham (born 1987) is an American model from Lincoln, Nebraska. She is best known as a lingerie model for the plus-size clothing store Lane Bryant. She has appeared on the cover of Elle Quebec.

Go forth and enjoy life, and find a guy who loves all of you, for who you are.

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