A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilemma ... I have been dating someone online for 5 months ... he is early 30s, I am late 30s. Neither of us has ever been married; in fact, he has never been in a serious relationship longer than 5 weeks due to many violent episodes involving women when he was a child. He lives 2 hours away, and due to strains in our relationship and issues in our personal lives, we have not met face to face; only texting, emailing and talking on the phone or online conferencing. He has asked me to come to see him, but when I say I will, something happens at home (my home), or he picks a fight, so I don't end up going.He has a female friend who, he has said on a few occasions, he would have married if she had not already been married when they met (it makes me wonder what they have said to each other for him to decide she is the one he wants to marry, if she was already married .. it seems inappropriate on her part as well has his that things could have been allowed to get to that point). He sends her at least 2 e-mails a day to “cheer her up”; (I am not sure why HE has to be the one to cheer her up, so I suspect it is his way of ensuring she knows if she ever wants out of her marriage, he is right there) also he says she worries about him if he does not send 2 emails a day ... one in the morning and one at night. I have said this sounds wrong and I feel like they ensure that they have each other on their minds both to start their day and to end their day ... he will go a week without even sending me an email or calling me, but has to race home to send her an email before she goes to bed?! When he first told me this, I said that when we spend a night together at some point in our relationship, she will not be getting any mail that night, as I would expect him to be fully with me.... he said that was not going to happen and he WILL send her one. I said if he wanted to continue with me, he had better reconsider that ... I live 2 hours away and won’t drive that distance for someone who feels the need to jump out of bed to send a message to another woman .. if she is online, they will chat for hours, so that is even worse than just the e-mail. A few days later he conceded that it would be wrong to leave me to go chat with her. He says I am paranoid about his relationship with her and his other women, but he will not say that he is not in love with her .. only that he knows he can't have her. (I have said that she can always leave her husband, and by keeping him on a string by insisting he write to her twice a day she is keeping him interested in her ... perhaps she wants him, but perhaps she is only feeding her ego .. I don't know her, so I am not sure of her motives; he says that will never happen .. not that he does not want her ... ). Last night he told me her birthday is coming up and he and another female friend were discussing what he should do for her birthday... he bought her 4 books and a card, and mailed them to her and he was chuckling at the thought that she would be disappointed at "only" getting this (his female friend said this was cruel (really? Cruel? Get real) ... my first thought is why should she expect more from someone who is not a relative and not her husband, and second, 4 books are expensive, why are you gold digging? Be happy you get anything beyond a card. He spends more on her than I can afford to spend on my own son! Then he said he bought her some sort of expensive device ... I have no idea what it was as I had never heard the term before, but it was very expensive. He said that he mailed that a while after sending the books so she would have her "real" present on her birthday. I thought this was extravagant for someone who told me on day one he was "cheap” (yes, he did say that). The amount of effort to find just the right gift, and send it to the US from here, as well as the huge cost, tells me there is more than platonic friendship on his mind.Immediately after telling me this, he told me that he always spends a lot on her and always buys some sort of technology for her birthday and always buys her jewellery for Christmas (this has been going on for 10 years). I said that buying jewellery for a married woman is inappropriate and she should have not accepted jewellery from someone she is only supposed to be friends with. He does not see this as inappropriate. I asked if he ever inquired as to how her husband felt about all of this ..maybe he is glad that she has a sugar daddy so he doesn’t have to spend money on her.He cheated on me and lied to me for the first 1.5 months of our relationship; he voluntarily told me there was no one else in his life so that I would not look for the signs of cheating – I had never asked for exclusivity in the beginning, although I was exclusive; I just didn’t know how I felt and thought it was not fair to ask him to not see other women if I was not sure ... so was really hurt that he intentionally deceived me; the fact that he volunteered the lie to throw me off-track shows that it was his intention to lie, and not some situation he found himself in that he found difficult to get out of. He got caught, said he felt bad, and we continued on; though he still maintains contact with this “other woman”, and when I say that I don’t feel comfortable, he tells me to grow up and stop being paranoid – he has even gone so far as to say I should join her alliance in an online game we play (I found out later he has had many of these women as online “Mistresses” (capital M)... as if I REALLY want to be reminded daily of what he did to me ... he does not see my point on this and says I am jealous of her ... I say I am hurt that he lied about her, and that is the reason I want him to stop talking about her to me ...he maintains I am jealous ?)Since finding out he lied to me, when I ask him questions to try to clarify anything (I told him he killed my trust in him, and the price to pay is I will now be asking questions rather than assuming that he is not cheating until I can trust him again), he yells and insults me and tells me the 19 year old dominatrix he is always chatting with online is more mature than I am – she enjoys humiliating overweight women, so tell me how that is mature?! He told me near the beginning of our relationship that he blocked her and another woman he used to enjoy dominating because they did not interest him anymore, but I have since found out, accidentally, he still keeps in contact with both of them ... frequent communication, in fact, and so when I asked why he deceived me about them, implying he blocked them completely, he yelled that all he meant was he blocked them from posting things on his FaceBook wall only, not even blocking them from sending him messages in FaceBook, and that he never said he wanted them gone completely ... I asked if he could understand why I felt like he was deceiving me when he said he was blocking them and had told them not to contact him anymore .. he said I see only what I want to see, and I need to grow up. The only reason these women seem so “perfect” to him is that he has never lied to them .. he has never felt the need to; he loves one and has showered her with gifts and ensured no matter where he is and who he is with, he will rush home to talk to her nightly; the others are online mistresses he enjoys sexting with and degrading himself with; nothing more expected on either side, so they fulfill this for each other, so no need for lies. Had he lied to them and hurt them, I am sure they would not seem so perfect to him either, as there are not many women who want to be treated like that. Had they ever had feelings for him other than self-gratification, they might not be so sweet 24/7 either. So they provide him all the sex and none of the “reality” and none of the suspicion ... it truly is perfect, isn’t it?I feel like with this other woman in the picture ... and she is ALWAYS in the picture thanks to all the e-mails and him buying such personal gifts several times a year, and the fact that he has such loving feelings for her makes me feel I will always be number 2 or lower .. never number one ... Sorry to be so verbose... I was originally only writing about the jewellery and this woman he has wanted to marry for many years, and then the realisation that these other women in his life (all online, as far as I know, no actual contact) are always there, and he is always ranting how wonderful they are ... meanwhile tells me I am paranoid, has called me a bitch and tells me not to say anything negative about them .. the one he cheated on me with was a “Mistress” (the kind who dominates and orders men around sexually ... he has had many in the last 15 years) who got him to do seriously disgusting things to himself ... I said she was only using him to derive pleasure as she degraded him ... he flipped out and said it was over between us (same as always, says it, then for some reason it is not really over, he just wants to hurt me with the words). He said he got rid of the other mistresses when he decided he wanted to pursue me, but for some reason was not able to get rid of this one, and can’t understand why my trust in him is not what it should be at this point ... I had asked him to leave me alone for a while so I could figure things out, but I guess he worried if he left me to my thoughts, I would have left, but he kept chasing me for weeks and so I tried to let it go, but as more and more incidents occur, the more I realise that there is a lot to worry about and be suspicious of.I am the kind of person who always wants to see the good in people, and I really want to believe that he is a good person, but at the same time, I am not getting younger, and don’t want to waste my time on something that is just going to end in more tears. Someone please tell me if I am truly being paranoid, as he says, or if I am right to question this relationship? I do realise part of his messed up attitude about women is due to the abuse he endured, for extended periods of time when he was little, but also do not feel that I should be left to feel like garbage and like he is settling because the one he really wants is with someone else; I deserve someone all for myself ... I don’t want to share with another woman, especially knowing that he is keeping his foot in the door and his name on her mind just in case she leaves her husband. I have no doubt that he would dump me in a second for her, even if we were together an extended period of time; he has idealised her, and as long as she does not have to confront him about anything, she will always be the sweet one .. as with any mistress (lower case this time), she will be the one who satisfies his ego without the questions or mundane daily conversations. Stress and lack of sleep are messing up my thought processes so much that I feel like I might be reading things wrong ... but my intuition is telling me that I need to run away fast.Thanks for your time
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cheated on me, christmas, facebook, jealous, married woman, mistress, money, online game, overweight, period, text, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input, everyone .. I ended it ... he finally admitted he was in love with her after I told him it was over .. time to move on :)
A
female
reader, kokeshi  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 If you reread the contents of your post and step back from the situation look at as though it wasn’t written by you .You would see plain and clearly that this man is never going to give you what you want from the relationship.
You are to him what he is to his "friend" a back up.
all of these infidelities now will only get worse. you would be paranoid if you had a long solid relationship and there was no proof .The proof is there. He calls you paranoid to deflect the blame on to you.
Your boyfriend is of course entitled to have friends of both sexes but his relationship with this woman and other online friends has gone way beyond the acceptable boundaries .He has no intention of changing ,the only thing you can change is weather you choose to put up with it or not.
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (23 August 2010):
Hi,
Simple ans...get aways from him whlist you can...this relationship will not get you any where ..will only bring you trouble and pain
soory if I sound blunt
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): You are not being paranoid. If he has had a horrible experience with women in during his childhood, what is that makes this woman different from the others? Why is he so infatuated with her? It doesnt sound like he is repecting you. If hes talking to this woman,buying her gifts,wont spend time with you, then I dont see the point in staying in this relationship any more.
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