A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've cheated on my boyfriend and now I just don't know what to do. I'm beside myself with guilt, and feel so upset and disapppointed with myself, and above all, scared. I can't eat, I can't sleep; I'm physically sick because of what I have done. I know if I tell him it'll break his heart and he'll dump me instantly. We've been together for a year and a half and it tears me apart to think of life without him. It was a one time thing, spare of the moment, and purely sexual, and now I feel dirty and disgusting and I'm absolutely terrified of losing him. I just don't know what to do. Do I tell him? Or don't I? The guilt is killing me and I couldn't bear to lose him too. I love him more than anything and regret this more than words can describe. Please help me.
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male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Your relationship as you knew it was over the minute you decided to cheat on your boyfriend. The biggest mistake a person in your position makes is thinking things can go back to the way they were. They can't. They won't ever be the same for either of you. If you understand that and accept that, then you can take the steps necessary to help repair your relationship with your boyfriend, because honestly... there is repair needed.
Another big question you need to figure out is why you cheated. Don't say you were drunk or had a moment of weakness, or even that "It was just sex". None of that is the real answer. There is a reason you cheated, whether you are not getting all that you want from your boyfriend, or that it's simply that you wanted to have sex with somebody else... you have to be honest with yourself and admit to yourself WHY you did it.
Once you are honest with yourself, then you can be honest with your boyfriend. Otherwise, if you give him the excuse "I don't know why I did it, it just happened!" you better be prepared for a breakup. "I don't know" doesn't cut it for things like this.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
It depends why you want to tell him. Do you want to tell him because you think it's the right thing to do, or just to alleviate your own guilt?
There is no use in telling him just to make yourself feel better. You need to tell him because you respect him, because you are sorry and because you know that he needs to be given the right to choose whether he can trust you and wants to be with you. A relationship built upon a lie is a big mistake, because further down the line, it will come out. And, as you will read from other posts, even if someone finds out 20 years after the event, it causes great pain.
I think that if you have respect for this guy, and if you want your relationship to be built upon trust, you need to tell him. He must be allowed to make up his own mind. If he chooses to end it, then you must accept that gracefully and learn from it. Don't sit there feeling disgusted and dirty. That's going to achieve nothing. Instead, look at why you did this, look at whether your boyfriend really is the men you want to be with. Most of all, be honest. A lie will eat you away, and will eventually come out.
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