A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I of 2 years fight. A lot. He is petty and always inventing new "rules" or things that upset him. Months ago , he told me he didn't like it when I added random men to FB, esp after a night out without him. I tried to be sensitive to this. A month ago, he added 3 new women. One a burlesque dancer. I let it go. 3 days ago, there was another one. A Russian woman in her 20s with pornographic pictures. I confronted him and asked him what was up. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. When I mentioned her name, he said he didn't remember adding it , that "maybe he did it when drunk and angry with me" . This was really unsettling bc Ive previously caught him drunk slow dancing with a girl he just met when he was drunk and mad at me. There was also a condom wrapper in his car a year ago. Last night , we were at a mutual friends rehearsal dinner. He started to drink and smoke weed. I said we need a plan bc we had both driven there. He didn't want to figure it out and just kept talking to everyone else. At one point, a woman passed a comment that she had helped fix us up and he said "yeah nobody wins on that one" and walked out of the room. At the end of the night , the mother of the bride hides rhe wine and starts giving him water. we end up driving seperate. I had a lot of water to make up for 2 glasses of wine. Everyone at the party thought he shouldn't drive. But he did. He said he would follow me. I missed a turn and he continued on. I called him - he Told me to use GPS and then either hung up or Got disconnected. It was 1AM and I was alone at a gas station in a dress and heels trying to figure it out. Today I am upset. REALLY upset. I told him. He blamed me for being cold towards him at the start of the party. (bc I was)Still upset about the random FB adds). He's accusing me of over reacting and Complaining about nothing since "everything turned Out fine " . He doesn't believe me that people at the party were stressing about him driving and that it's not fair. Am I crazy for being upset ? I told him he's notProtective, or nice or a gentleman. Am I off base here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): Leave the waster.
Can you imagine this guy when you have kids?? Looking at random women, driving them around under the influence of drugs?
He is a twat, you can do better. He literally didn't give one shit about you and that you were lost late at night and instead he went off to a club. If you had done that, he would've hit the roof.
LEAVE HIM. Surely it's better to be single than with such an ass hole.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015): "Am I crazy for being upset ?"
No, you're crazy for allowing him to continuously treat you with utter disrespect and abject contempt. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome.
"I told him he's not Protective, or nice or a gentleman. Am I off base here?"
No, you're not off base for stating the obvious. You're off base for ignoring it and staying with him, apparently in the hope that he will somehow magically morph into something resembling a civilized human being.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 August 2015):
 I have only one question?
WHY are you with this guy?
He is passive-aggressive, manipulative, stupid (yes for driving under the influence is STUPID), most likely unfaithful, acting like a immature brat, looking for other women... the list just goes on and one...
I don't even get the whole adding strangers to your FB.. WHY would either of you do that?
Anyhow, it sounds like disaster of a relationship.
So I ask, WHY are you with him?
Personally, I'd rather be single than date an asshat like that.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 August 2015):
 He did not care enough to come back and he left you
"alone at a gas station in a dress and heels trying to figure it out." That put you in a very vulnerable situation at 1am in the morning in an unfamiliar place.
You found a used condom in his car? That alone would be a sign that he needs to be given his marching orders.
The people at the party where concerned. especially the mother of the bride.
He drove his car despite his earlier drinking and his use of weed.
You are not over-reacting.
Plus he is actively looking for girls to add to his FB.
Think what this could become?
Can you look forward to living and sharing your life with this man for the next 30 or 40 or more years?
He will embarrass you again in the future.
It is likely that he will be arrested for driving while intoxicated, eventually.
Can you imagine him driving a car if you and he has children? Will be still drink alcohol and use weed then? Probably.
Imagine if you had children and he had the children in the car with just him and he forgot to do up their seat belts and he drove while intoxicated or affected by weed. It could all end in tears.
Is he protective of you? No.
Is he a gentleman towards you? No
is he irresponsible? Yes.
Is he likely to embarrass you in the future? Yes
Is he respectful towards you? Does not seem so to me.
Do you need this man in your life? Only you can answer that
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd last night, since we are still not speaking, I found out he went out to a club/bar without me. He has made it clear he doesn't like it if I don't let him know when I go out - and I have said that's fine but it has to be a 2 way street. So again, doing whatever he pleases and using the justification of being in a fight with me.
I have broken up with him before, but I agreed to try again because he gets super nice. His argument is always "the good outweighs the bad". And it did. Not sure now .
Ive been researching "gas lighting" and borderline personality disorder - i just feel so confused as to what his deal is ..
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 August 2015):
 Your guy cannot handle his drugs and his liquor because so they screw up his perception of reality, make him moody and destructive. I am surprised that at his age he would allow himself to be a slave of drugs and alcohol.
Addressing the specifics you listed in the post is, in my opinion, a waste of time because all of that is a symptom of a messed up man with no desire to make the future bright. So he makes up shit as he goes along, acts on impulse induced by drugs and strings you along as though you are obligated to endure all that.
You are of age where you should seek stability and not revel in a drug induced drama of the 1960s flower children. Therefore, you are not off base in terms of understanding the situation but, I think, you are way off base in how you are handling this. Frankly, I would drop this guy cold turkey, no warning - no nothing.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 August 2015):
 He was being passive aggressive and playing dumb. Two wrongs don't make a right. Actually you saw a condom wrapper in the car so that's a sign of him cheating on you before you added men on Facebook. Was the trust issue fixed? He was not adding women to get back at you. Sounds like that's what he had been doing all along and you were just catching up with his deceit.
I don't know if adding men on your Facebook really enriches your social circle. I know that men and women can be friends but mostly when men add women it's for hookups. Your boyfriend knows the risk.
Your relationship is unhealthy because he drinks, smokes weed, is a cheater and is selfish. After that day you found a condom wrapper you are expecting too much for him to be protective of you. People with substance abuse are the most selfish kind. They are also very good at deluding themselves and denying there are problems.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 August 2015):
 Nope...you've basically defined a paranoid person that is also controlling to offset his fears. You can do better than that. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015): I think you two should just go your separate ways period. He obviously is very self centred & has no real feelings for you & you seem to worry too much for him - a guy who obviously doesn't worry at all.
I would split up & go your separate ways before you get too comfortable with each other - get out now before any more 'stressful' situations arise. Some people just stick in a relationship because they are afraid of being alone. But believe me - being alone sounds a lot more appealing than your kind of relationship!
Good luck!
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