A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am female and i had been dating a guy for about 3 years before leaving him and meeting someone else after. We were engaged, supposedly, but after a few months of our engagement he told me he might not be able to go through with it any time soon, seemed to have to issues, and i said ok, no pressure, even though he said he did want to. The longer we were together the more suspicious i became about a past relationship he had had, one that didn’t seem finished. He was hot then cold with me and i couldn’t understand, but I respected privacy so not once did i look at his phone etc, though i knew she (ex) tried to contact him because sometimes i would intercept by picking up if he was busy, and she would hang up. I was stupid because this was my first proper serious relationship where i had let my guard down and was in love with him, but i guess he didn’t treat me very well because he was comparing me to his ex in little ways and it made me feel inadequate and basically like he wasn’t over her- they had worked together for about 5 years in his previous job. In between the occasional talk of her (that i assumed at first was just human nature; that he was sharing his past experiences, processing etc,) he was lovely to me overall and treated me very tenderly and attentively. He was always very physically in to me, almost like I could take his breath away, i have never seen a man quite look at me like that, so I assumed we were both more than fine. A turning point was one day when we were cleaning under the bed he saw a pair of my knickers which had fallen down there and his eyes went wide and he went to grab them like they were hers, or at least not mine! I said “what are you doing? They are mine, what did you think!?” But he made up some dumb excuse about how he thought they must have been hers (ex) before they broke up, even though it had been nearly a year by then, with us dating but not living together. I dismissed it, because like i said, i was probably stupid, but he had insisted that she never had a key to his house, that she had only lived at his part time, and he hadn’t cheated on me etc.. We broke up after i found out that he was still in email contact with her, and i just felt disgusted by then because i find it hard to trust people yet he had made me feel like he was being transparent. He apologised, said he was indeed done with her, that he would tell her, but that they had a history together, he almost made it seem unreasonable for me to have expected a final end.. However, he said, for me he would cut contact because ‘he loved me, not her’. Time passed and then i had enough eventually because he mentioned her name ‘by accident’ in a romantic situation and later tried to manipulate me into doing something i didn’t want to do, saying ‘they’ did it together, so where i was living with him at that point, i left. I was so angry, and that anger (at him and also at myself for allowing myself to perhaps be totally used) fuelled me for a long time. I met another man after about 6 months, as in spite of the ex comparing me, making me feel like i was somehow the reason for him delaying our engagement etc, i have never had trouble around men, and so we dated. He was a true gentleman as well as very interesting and funny so i experienced what a relationship was like where someone doesn’t lie or mess me about or try to deceive me. I knew i was on a path to get over my ex so i flirted more with this man and he responded, then we spent much time together for about 2 years. We, too, broke up and got back together but that was more to do with my broken emotional state and lack of trust, and then eventually he said one day ‘i don’t want to live without you’ and he asked me to marry him. It wasn’t romantic like how my ex had done, but it was real so I said yes. While engaged i have had only minimal contact with my ex; i did not want to be disrespectful like his ex gf was, but in my heart if we talked (meaning he rang me) i was still drawn to him, my heart was still in love with him, probably because he was my first love. I wasn’t yet engaged again when my ex had told me he loved me and to ‘please give us another try’ but i didn’t respond in kind because i knew i was seriously involved with someone else by them. Externally i should have been very happy but a significant part of me, which i did not share with anyone for fear of disapproval, still did love my ex. I guess I wanted to think better of him, like maybe he hadn’t been two-timing me or maybe he did want us to get married someday, as he would often say, but my heart was too damaged and i couldn’t trust him anymore. He did used to swing every which way with his words and even though his mum even said he wanted to marry me, I was insecure and unsure myself. He could have come to see me while we were no longer dating, he could have declared his feelings etc, just shared a drink with me, but he never did and whenever he rang it kind of either descended into too much flirting or i would keep it very short to keep my distance. I am due to get married soon, my family and friends are so happy for me, and very recently my ex just sent me a gift through the post which i had to discard so my fiancé wouldn’t see and get the wrong impression, so i gave it to a work colleague. The last time i spoke to my ex when he rang i was very emotional, due to saying i am getting married soon, so I no longer am your girl, goodbye, and then he even said he came to my place where i live but did not speak to me or try to see me then.. why would someone do that? Go to where they knew their ex lived and yet not make contact with them when he knew they would want to see them/ have coffee etc? I could have had more closure or we could have talked it out. This just seems like either more empty words or some sort of statement i don’t understand. I am confused as to whether or not i am doing the right thing marrying my fiancé because i love him but i have such strong feelings for my ex, even though I’ve separated myself from him all this time and not encouraged anything. When i thought of marrying him i was so excited and happy, whereas when i think of marrying my current fiancé i am fairly happy but not excited, in fact i feel a sense of stress now because of what is conflicting within me, yet he is my best friend and if i jeopardise this i could lose him. I don’t get the butterflies i got with my ex, yet everything stable and reasonable is there, and I’m thinking my ex doesn’t deserve me anyway after how he treated me. How can i be so conflicted over someone whose word was so cheap, and yet not be crazy about the man I’m set to marry, even though i do love him?? It’s like my ex has stolen my zest for relationship/love and that the lack of trust, bad experiences have stained what i have to give now. Even though my fiancé treats me amazingly I don’t feel emotionally for him what I felt for my ex, but maybe that was unreal anyway? I thought, stupidly, that i was beginning a new life before, i was ready then, but it didn’t happen and i got burned, or rather i broke it off and it hurt so bad i can’t describe. For such a long time i thought maybe it would work out, hoping, and then when i finally turned my back and was willing to accept another relationship my now fiancé came along, so i put the past away. Now the resurfacing is making me so stressed. If I marry my now fiancé, will i be a fake because i still have very strong emotional feelings for my ex, even though only i know this? Or is it all sentimental, the fact i haven’t really grieved perhaps? I am so confused and in a way still heartbroken, though externally everything seems great to my family and friends. I do love my fiancé and certainly don’t want to lose him, but inside i feel guilty, almost dirty and ugly, for not being able to give him what i feel i could have given my ex if he had been more loyal, respectful etc.. I know you can love different people in different ways, like the way my ex loved his ex and then me, but I’m worried that if i don’t get myself together i could lose both men or just ruin my chance at happiness. please help.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, cheap, cheated on me, engaged, ex girlfriend, flirt, got back together, heartbroken, his ex, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I totally agree with the lady who said that your ex likes to keep his exes around! That was my first thought as well!
I honestly don't know what you see in him but here's my two cents. You are not ready for marriage. If you do marry the current guy it might be ok initially but you'll soon get bored, veer off track and start contacting the ex again.
Marriage isn't fun and games; it's a lot of work, sometimes really frustrating and there'll be days you can't stand each other. What brings you back together is the knowledge and understanding that you *need* the other person. Not in a clingy, needy way but in a way that you don't want to do without them.
In your case, I doubt you'll feel any of this. Your thoughts will wander to your ex and you will want to reconnect.
*He* might get bored and want to reconnect. And given your feelings towards him, you might not be able to hold back.
I think you're just romanticizing the past and the ex. From what you've written about him, he seems nothing very exciting. All this "closure" business is just nonsense. You should accept that he didn't love you the way you wanted him to because he had someone else on his mind. Personally if it were me, that would be enough to say bye-bye.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): I know I write very lengthy answers, but I read over two-thirds of your post before I had to stop.
I'll be straight with you. You're not ready to marry anyone. I see immaturity and indecisiveness throughout your post; although you've tried very hard to show how responsible and understanding you are. You're hypocritical in the fact you didn't understand your first fiancé's connection to his ex; yet you now have the same type of residual-affection for him.
This doesn't require one of my usually lengthy answers; because it's a simple one to answer.
You should not marry anyone when you still have feelings for someone else; because you will carry those feelings with you into the marriage. Your dubious proclamations of love and promised monogamy are nullified; because you still secretly pledge your true heart to someone else. While verbally declaring your faithfulness to the one you're exchanging vows with. You would be flat-out lying before God, your groom, and the witnesses; while repeating your vows as quoted by your wedding officiator. Your promise is to "forsake all others." Your heart is where you keep those things you hold dear or sacred. If your heart is stronger towards your ex, than the man you're marrying; you're just going through the motions, while wishing you were with someone else.
Until your feelings for your ex have subsided to the degree it is of a past and diffused fondness; you do not love your present fiancé enough to marry him. It isn't fair. I still love the one I was with for 28 years, who died; and those who came thereafter. Yet those old feelings are so pushed-down and stored into the farthest recesses of my memory; I barely think of anyone other than the person I love the most in the present. The others are now very fond memories, and have no affect on my feelings for the one I love now. My feelings are unaffected by doubt, past lovers, or residual-affections. Others are stored completely in the back of my heart. My current feelings are fresh and distinct. That's how it should be, if you said "yes" to his proposal. Otherwise, it is a "maybe"..."unless there's someway I could get my ex back!"
Apart from being too young, minimally-experienced, and indecisive. You are not ready to marry anyone just yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (16 May 2021):
 Your fiance sounds like a good bloke. Set him free to find someone who loves him and him alone, which is what everyone deserves. He deserves so much better than to be your Plan B. Having experienced the hurt of being with someone who is not 100% committed to you due to holding onto a past relationship, it is rather mean of you to do the same to your current fiance.
As regards your ex, you are confusing what you wanted him to be and what he actually WAS. You love the guy you wanted him to be but he was never that guy. You (completely understandably) wanted him to be 100% into you, but he never was. Open your eyes and realize, all the time he was lusting after your body, he was also holding onto feelings for his ex and his heart was never yours completely, just as yours does not belong 100% to your fiance.
I wonder, why did you not send the gift back that he sent you? Anyone who really wanted to draw a line under a relationship would have done that, with an accompanying note saying "please don't send me any more unwanted/unwelcome gifts". I can only assume you are NOT ready to draw a final line under your past relationship.
It's interesting that your ex could not commit to you sufficiently to cut contact with his ex but, now that you are no longer "his", sends you gifts and keeps up contact and calls you his "girl". When I was in my 20s, I went out with a guy who still had feelings for his ex wife. He used to even "jokingly" sing the Meatloaf song to me, "I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, but don't be sad coz two out of three ain't bad". I woke up one day and realized I deserved better and finished the relationship. Guess what? I got bombarded with phone calls telling me rubbish like "For the first time my first thought this morning when I woke up was about you and not my ex wife". My response? "Too little, too late. You had your chance. You blew it. I've moved on." He kept trying to contact me intermittently for years afterwards, telling me he could not stop thinking about me. My answer was always the same. "There is a time and a place for everything. Miss your slot and you lose out."
It's a shame you are allowing a fantasy to spoil a good reality. Your fiance does deserve better. Let him go as you will never love him properly until you have got over your obsession with the ex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): A whole host of emotions are normal. He was your first love. He meant a lot to you. You said you had trust issues and yet with him you let your guard down, probably for the first time. Feelings are pesky, unpredictable things. If you have totally left all thought of being with your ex sincerely and it is just the emotional side that you are struggling with then maybe you just need a bit more time to heal. In your mind this occasion that you and your family are planning for now was something you had thought was going to happen with the other man a few years ago, so maybe him sending you the gift at this bad timing was enough to dredge up memories? I don’t think breaking up with your fiancé is something you want to do just because you are finding the past hard, you say you love him, but certainly think about delaying things if you can’t get over this soon. I don’t think you are ‘almost doing the same thing’ as was done to you, said by Honeypie. You are not stringing along two people here. You are not being deliberately dishonest or deceiving.Do you have a friend you can be truthful with? Having THE ex come back into your life uninvited or saying something unexpected like they still love you would be unsettling, but you made up your mind to end it for a good reason. You don’t say you regret having ended it either, you only say your strong emotions are driving you mad, so do we beat up on people for admitting that? Feeling and acting are different.Men can be like addictions that need a lot of effort to get over.First broken hearts are the worst, they take time and being still attached only shows how much you did care, not that you don’t care for or love your fiancé.Unlike Honeypie I think you are trying to say that you did not facilitate any conversation or contact with him, (‘he rang me’ etc) so the only other thing to do would be to change your phone number or address if you were moving in order to cut all ties. I think your ex is trying it on again, he doesn’t know what he wants and probably was cheating on you, physically or emotionally when you were together. Does he finally know now that he is losing you?That he’s had his time?Possibly he is panicked because he knows you are actually moving on (no longer YOUR girl).He should have been straight with you but people are dishonest. He burst your bubble when he let you down, your dream that we all start out believing can happen to us, that we can live happily ever after without too much problem, but life is hard.You won’t feel emotionally ‘the same’ as you did about your ex with your new fiancé but that is okay too. Each couple is different. Individual.First loves always hurt deeply unless we are one of the lucky few who settle with our firsts, or we have had many casual relationships in between. You will get over him. Looks like you are already doing it!The first one doesn’t have to ‘steal you zest’ for the future. Don’t worry. Process the emotions and emerge through to celebrate what you have.Unlike Honeypie, as we don’t know anything about your background, culture, or any other details such as your circumstances, I am not going to make any judgements on your age, I can only presume you are nearer mid 20s than 20 to have been seriously dating two men within the time frame. You don’t have to be marriage obsessed or ‘in a rush’ to be proposed to twice by mid 20s. None of our business really. My parents married when they were 18 and 21. Still together now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 May 2021):
 "Butterflies" from a guy are worthless long term.
Think about it. He was keeping HIS ex around as a safety net and keeping you around as well. But he didn't want to marry you as he was still carrying a torch for the ex.
Now you are doing the ALMOST same thing to your fiance.
Not Ok.
Don't marry this new guy until you are OVER the ex and CERTAIN that you really want to spend the rest of your life with this new guy. So if that means postponing the wedding a year or two, DO IT. If he can't wait, then he isn't RIGHT for you.
It's OK to say I don't feel totally ready for marriage.
Secondly, CUT all contact with the ex. No wonder you haven't totally moved on when you have kept him around in your life (even if he was in the peripheral or on the sideline).
You got a gift from him that you REGIFTED instead of sending it back and telling him NO gifts.? That is like stringing the ex along too. Even if you gave it away. You still ACCEPTED the gift.
If you are in your early 20's WHAT is the rush to the Alter all about? Life isn't - the sooner we marry, the sooner we can start a life or start to be happy.
I think you are holding on to the fiance because he is basically a good guy and you recognize that. But you want the ex who wasn't REALLY a good guy but more ... exciting?
So in short, DO NOT marry your fiance until you are certain YOU can make him a good wife and HE can make you a good husband.
And for goodness sake, cut the contact with the ex.
You are creating all this uncertainty and drama in your own life right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): Your ex seems to like keeping exes around..Your relationship with him wasn't based on trust and it didn't work so in terms of him you need to draw a line under it. I get the impression he wants what he can't have, he stats in contact with you because you are out of reach yet he can act out having feelings for you, the reality is if you reconciled with him you would still be the same people. Chances are he has someone else and is doing to her what he did with you.As for your fiance, no one can tell you what to do but you met him pretty soon after you broke up with your ex, you're not over him now so you couldn't have been six months after the split. You have to seriously ask yourself if you think you can spend the rest of your life with him? Also did you settle for the next man that came along? If you really was committed to your fiance the ex simply wouldn't be in the picture. I loved my ex but I sure didn't once I met the man I dated and fell in love with years later, if you truly love someone I'm not saying you can't look back and know you loved your ex and had fond memories of him but you are pretty much saying you're still pining for him, so that suggests you never got over him and are settling with your new man not out of a deep love.Marriage is a massive commitment so now is the time for you to really soul search and decide if he really is the man you want to be with for life. If you get married thinking if it doesn't work there is always divorce then that would tell me you're not going into it for the right reasons....
...............................
|
