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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Is there something (seriously) wrong with my husband or are the circumstances weird?Due to some financial difficulties my mother-in-law moved to my apartment over a decade ago. My husband and I live in another country. When she moved in, I had to throw away a lot of my stuff – which was ok with me. About two years ago, my husband inherited a few works of art. They ended up in the said apartment, while we looked for the way to sell some of them and bring others over.Before we moved them, we had a long talk with my mother-in-law to see if she would agree to certain conditions. We didn’t want to impose anything on her. But she was fine with the things we asked for. My husband’s inheritance isn’t particularly valuable, but it does have some value, so we asked her not to let her visitors into the room we put the stuff in. We have also asked her NOT to share her apartment key with anyone (she’s in her late sixties, single).Long story short, she DID share the key – with a neighbor, she barely knows, to water her plants when she was away – and she DID let the visitors inside the room – she wanted to show off. She didn’t tell this to us and she wouldn’t have, hadn’t we noticed that one of the smaller graphics was missing. When we realized that it was missing in the sense NOT THERE and not misplaced, I asked my husband if he would like to talk to his mother or if he would like me to do it. His mother and my hubby don’t get along because she’s unstable and has been leaving him off and on throughout his childhood, so I sometimes act as an intermediary. I wouldn’t have suggested this, but the situation had already been stressful and I didn’t want any more drama, I admit. I went and talked to her and got all the info and told her that what was done was done and that now we need to better organize before we get a chance to move the stuff. She was ok, there was no drama. But my husband went in and talked to her anyway… and the drama hit the roof, because she started playing the victim, HIS victim and then he went nuts. I just don’t understand WHY he did that. He can’t explain that either. I mean he gives me some reasons, like he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t do that again (you’ll see later why this sounds crazy). There was NOTHING to be gained from it. When he interacts with her, he’s rigid, preachy, has this “I know best attitude”. I happen to agree with everything he said, but the way he did was pointless. I had told him that BEFORE we brought his inheritance to the apartment. I wasn’t joking when I said that either his mom goes or the “pictures” go, meaning that there was NO WAY she would stick to the agreement we made. She’s unstable in the sense that she has borderline personality disorder. She would do ANYTHING not to be alone. She projects all the good qualities to people she doesn’t really know and tries to make the contacts she has with them look like deep friendships. She didn’t know the neighbor well when she left her the keys, because she wanted to make contact, impress her… She lies to make people or situations better. I know my husband is blaming his mom for what happened and even though he said no when I asked, I thought some part of him wanted to punish her. Lately, due to the pandemic, he’s become even more stressed and control-freaky than usual and then this happened. The next day, after all that drama, my sister came for a visit. I agree with my husband when it comes to respecting the covid measures (distance, masks) and I respect them. But my sister threw herself at me. I wasn’t wearing mask at the time, she caught me by surprise. Neither was she. She hugged me and wouldn’t let go. I explained to her that unlike her we couldn’t get vaccinated and that we’re still at risk… when she left, my husband went crazy and wouldn’t stop lecturing me. Saying that I’m just like his mother – unstable, that he can’t trust me. That I ruined all of his efforts to protect us from the virus. That he can’t trust me and that I should cancel the meeting I had, because he didn’t think I would respect the rules and not hug and kiss people… To me it sounded crazy. I’m no expert but in the last year or so, certain behaviors made me think about paranoid tendencies and hypochondria. So I’m at a loss here. Intellectually I agree almost on everything with my husband, but I think that he’s acting weirdly. I know that there were some “seeds” before this behavior has “blossomed” – he has always been prone to trying to control everything, but this, this is a whole other level. I know that his mother is all he says she is, but isn’t it crazy thinking that it is possible to control an unstable person, after so many failed attempts? When I told him that we should have moved his inheritance sooner, he became angry with me, saying that he’s overworked and tired and that if I wanted to do this, I was more than welcome. I was shocked because he got this inheritance because of me. I’m not being egomaniacal. He asked for my help with the inheritance proceedings, saying that he sucks with administration and talking to lawyers. It took me SEVEN years to sort this out. So, him saying that I was “more than welcome” to deal with this as well sounded like an insult to me.So is everything weird or is it my husband?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2021): I might recommend that you and your husband takeout renter's insurance on all your belongings, just incase. If you haven't had your artwork professionally-appraised; you may not really know its true value. For all you know, nothing was stolen; but your mother-in-law may have given something away.
Take photographs of all the items. You can also rent yourselves a secure storage-locker, or safe deposit box for very small items. Artwork can and should be placed in storage. Making sure it is properly wrapped and protected from moisture, humidity, dust, or pests. It should be stored in a cool dry place; and kept in airtight-containers designed specifically for paintings, or small prints. Use crates for larger items like furniture.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): I would attribute this to some covid-claustrophobia, the contentious-relationship between your husband and his mother; and your husband's resentment for his mother's "dominance" throughout his childhood. From your description, she has untreated mental-illness; where he suffered a childhood of dealing with her "issues." A child is helpless in these situations; and it makes a major impact on their emotional/psychological-development. He love/hates her; and really didn't want her to move-in with you. He didn't know what else to do with her. He didn't want to look heartless in your eyes, and took her in. My guess is, if not for you; she would have been homeless, or in an institution of some sort.
If you show signs of "dominance," authority, or control; he is triggered. It provokes the flashbacks of his mother's dominating and emotionally-intrusive behavior in his childhood-history. My speculation is that he must have a "thing;" when it comes to women who come across too "strong-willed." Unless it's of some particular benefit to him. He puts you in your place, by gaslighting you. Making you feel guilty, or unreasonable; and projecting onto you what he probably wished he could straight-out tell his mother to her face. His suppressed-anger and hatred towards his mother is exacerbated by being trapped together in confinement with her; and not being able to throw her out. It must be his own private hell! You are his only buffering-agent! You are a peacemaker! God bless you!
We all are guilty of some of our own "covid-paranoia." He flipped-out over your sister not obeying the house-rules and covid-guidelines. Your sister stepped over the line, and endangered your health, his health, and that of your mother-in-law. She deliberately violated your space; and dismissed your rights in every conceivable way. She meant well, but such a mishap could have proven lethal. He had every right to be angry, and to express his anger at you; because you are responsible for whomever you invite into your house, and your timing. It triggered him, just like when his mother irresponsibly let the neighbor intrude on the security and privacy of your home. He never got that out of his system; so he lost-it! Remember, you try to diffuse things to keep the peace; and hence, forced him to bottle it up. Eventually, for the sake of your marriage; you will have to move your mother-in-law out of your house.
She must have some kind of pension income; or some type of widow's benefit leftover from his father. Otherwise, your husband is left to care for the woman who gave him life. If his father still lives, or they're divorced; with no other siblings, I guess the burden falls on you and your husband for the time being. It's strictly out of the kindness of your hearts; but sooner or later, she will have to go. He has dealt a lifetime with her ways; and you must understand his feelings to some degree.
I do agree with your full assessment of this situation. You seem to be the only one who has maintained some reasonable calm and control; but that's the weight of being the only adult in the room. You have to observe everyone around you losing-it; and still have to deal with the irony of those same people, who criticize you, looking to you for your good-judgement and levelheadedness. Go figure, right?!!
The solution to all this is finding your mother-in-law her own place. Your husband and marriage may not withstand too much more of her presence. I'm sorry to say. Even having a larger place to live wouldn't make a difference. He needs some healthy distance from her; then you both have to workout the bugs strictly related to your marriage...minus her influence and distractions.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 May 2021):
 A lot of people haven't handled the whole Covid thing very well and I understand the fear (sometimes irrational to some) but it's still understandable. We fear what we don't understand. And we become fearful when we get told scary stories.
You two made a BAD choice in NOT having the art at your OWN home, or the room LOCKED with a key only you and your husband possessed - but... hindsight is 20/20. So you, telling your husband we "should" have done so and so a long time ago... it's kind of moot. And pointless. Because you two DIDN'T do that. You DIDN'T make that choice. So you have to figure out what you can do NOW to secure what is left. You kinda had an inkling that the mother wouldn't respect those rules and boundaries. Because she has a history of not doing so.
Again, a moot point. You can't change the past - OR his mother.
As for your sister hugging you "sans" mask, I get it. She was just SO happy to see you. She wasn't thinking, she acted out of love.
Your husband giving you a lecture after... it's ridiculous. Even if he was "somewhat" right. It wasn't a smart thing to do. Covid is no joke. It sounds like he is "wound" kind of tightly. BUT.... YOU can not CONTROL your sister. She made a choice, he wasn't happy about it and got mad at you, for what she did. That is unreasonable.
My advice? Figure out the logistics to sell or move the art/ inheritance ASAP. Before more goes" missing". I would suggest YOU do it because it seems like your husband is too overwhelmed at the moment.
Secondly, your husband is stressed. And his way of dealing with it is not the most rational - it's by being controlling. Here is where YOU need to be ready to put your foot down if you don't agree. And support him when you DO agree.
I don't know where you live but as soon as possible, get your husband vaccinated. (and yourself if you wish) so he can perhaps drop SOME of the stress that he is having due to fear. While people can STILL get Covid after the vaccination, it can probably help CALM his fear a little.
Chin up
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