A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I've struggled for a long time with people who have a different communication style. Just to help you understand my own communication style, I often respond to messages, and try and do it quickly so as not to inconvenience others, I feel guilty if I don't but also for my own housekeeping, so that I don't forget. For me, verbal communication and responding are linked to respect and honor others. As I grow older I recognize that many people do not respond to communication, it is not clear to me if they are deliberately ignoring, avoidant, or genuinely busy/ forgetful, if I'm not a priority or if they dont feel they owe me a response because they don't know me. They do not think so deeply about it, and they don't really feel guilty or that it is a bad or good thing. For them, Noncommunication is not to be read into, for me it is disqualifying and hurtful. My question to you is I'm looking to grow and build bridges, if I spot a new connection who is different communication-wise, and I know it causes me deep discomfort or anxiety, am I well within my rights to ask them to meet me in the middle? If so what is a nice, polite and respectful way of making them realise, that I need more communication, in a way thats non-violent? I don't know how to fix my own anxiety around this issue, I know in a dating scenario if someone does this is it "game over", but I also recognise we all have different brains and ways of thinking. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2021): The problem is you are putting everyone and every scenario in the same pot. I mean someone who has no close ties to you and sees no point in continuing communication may cut you off, I think it's safe to say we have all been in that position and despite your views on it by your own admission you have cut someone off, even if you justify it by saying only as a last resort.
You are simply not taking other factors into account. Someone may genuinely be forgetful, may genuinely just not have a phone stuck to their hand, may simply be really busy, there are many reasons why people may not get back to you. It's infuriating I agree at times but people simply aren't wired up the same, I have friends who simply don't always reply because they was going to but clean forgot, I like good communication but I am also guilty as charged at times.
Relationships are a completely different ballgame but having said that when you first get to know someone they might not necessarily act too keen as dating is a minefield and we are told as males and females to act or not act a certain way. Outright ignoring I can see would put you off, as it would many but again life can and does get in the way so if you have just met someone I wouldn't expect responses straight away if I messaged them and I wouldn't be too keen either so again it's dependent on so many factors.
I'm sorry but this is about you and how you feel about it and I have to wonder what is it that triggers you so much to feel so strongly about it?
No one likes to feel ignored, it hurts, especially if you like the person but unfortunately it is one of those things that happens and rather than just jumping to conclusions and pigeon holing every scenario I think there is a much bigger picture, nothing is black and white...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere are my takeaways:
-I don't think we owe everyone a response, but I do think if you have for instance been on a date with someone and you didn't wish to meet them again (then unless they treated you badly); if you do not respond, then I think it speaks poorly of your communication skills and your empathy. Generally speaking people who don't feel obligated to respond, don't take it so badly if they are ignored themselves.
- If I am a person who feels they should always give people a response, even if it's not something they would want to hear (and no not immediately). And I know at this stage in my development, lapses in communication cause me anxiety and hurt, then if I see a person is generally not the best or avoidant responder (for whatever reason), I should focus my energies on people who are more aligned to my own communication style. I am only able to say to someone it makes me uncomfortable if I have a close relationship to them.
- Boundaries (are generally, a good thing) but when you extend your boundaries to ignoring/not acknowledging another human (and I'm not referring to someone you have never met), then I think you run the gamut of causing a negative response. When humans ignore other humans that's when communities break apart and wars happen - the lapses in communication are what causes tension. I would argue if you can a polite, honest, respectful response speaks volumes of a person, then simply ignoring, which just tells me you either lazy, have anxiety issues, poor manners or low communication skills. I only ignore people as a last resort. Its the people who see ignoring as ok, that leave partners waiting at the alter, or who cheat and lie, it's a lack of something, rather than a sign of strong boundaries. Boundaries are not incompatible.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (18 May 2021):
 Op, having just read through your numerous responses (because I've not had time to check this site for a couple of days), I am starting to get a better understanding of why people may not wish to get into correspondence with you. You seem to get off on telling people that everything they do is wrong - because it does not tie in with your views. And God forbid anyone should criticize you in any way. There was nothing "patronizing" about Honeypie's post, and there was certainly nothing "violent". We are not here to sugar coat responses for you. If you want sugar coated stuff, go to Willy Wonka's Factory.
For someone who accuses others of being patronizing, your posts are actually the ones which are the most patronizing. You come onto a public forum with a question and then proceed to tell members of that forum how they should respond to you, even sending them links (not checked it out but wondering if this is just "click bait"). What do you think entitles you to do that after actually asking for people's opinions? I would strongly recommend you look at your own communication skills. Nobody likes to be lectured, which is how YOUR posts come across. You have a very rigid view of how things should be - your way or the wrong way. Little wonder you get stressed out when things DON'T actually go your way.
End of input from me because I really do have better things to do with my time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2021): Hi
Yes, we are all wired a little bit different, and I understand that this could make things a little bit more difficult when it comes to communicating. Are you on the autistic spectrum? and does this affect your communication sometimes. If you don't inform some people then you may be misunderstood.
In answer to your original question, we all have a right to not feel hurt or anxious, but what I would suggest is forget distant communication and communicate on a physical level face to face. No mistakes, or words have two meanings scenario's. You want to build bridges not burn them, well obviously this is a strong possibility with how you have just communicated to an agony aunt who has used her time to answer your post.
I will be as clear as I can be, has it occurred to you that people actually avoid you on purpose? and could this be because of your own communication style. For example: you talk about violent communication, and have accused an agony aunt of this and attacked her personal style of communication using capital letters. You have verbally attacked her under the guise of peace talking, and trying to control what she writes, how she writes, what she should watch on you tube. This is hardly a way to build bridges.
It appears to me that your communication style has an angry past that vents at any opportunity, almost waiting to pounce and comparing people with the 'popular kids at high school', this is a form of resentment sneaking out, because you may not have been popular yourself.
If you want to build bridges of communication with people, you should not insult people after you have asked for advice or help and just don't like the answer or way they answer. You should not try and CONTROL how people sPeAke or WrItE.
You play with the word 'violence' to suit your own agenda and push for peace whilst trying to silence people, thus insulting the people who have suffered violence to give us FREEDOM.
Wake up face your own covert demons! and you owe Honeypie an apology IF YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD BRIDGES .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): I think some people are prone to overthinking, or reading too much into things. We are all guilty of misinterpreting the intentions of others. The thing about our human nature is that we are inclined to think the worst, before we give anyone the benefit of the doubt; or the other extreme, we try to always see the bright-side of things. While overlooking obvious warnings, caveats, or red-flags.
There is a healthy middle-ground; where you just wait until you have all the facts before you judge. If you don't understand, ask questions! Communication is an exchange of ideas, offering of opinion, criticism, educating; or giving praise and encouragement. Your mind is the processing-center of all this information; but being human, your emotions will effect your perception of meaning and intentions behind what is said, or not said.
There are several factors that justify or negate our responses and reactions to what people say to us, how they say it; and when they don't say anything at all. There is our ego/pride, that makes us feel we are important and deserve respect. That doesn't mean people see you as you see yourself. We feel offended when people are too slow to respond; when we think they should snap-to-it! That's probably based on the fact we are prompt or attentive-responders ourselves. Lord knows, etiquette or good-manners are a rarity...if not extinct!
You can't judge others by your own behavior; by the same token, narcissism, arrogance, and conceit makes us think higher of ourselves than others may see us. That's where we ought to check ourselves; before waving the self-righteous finger in the faces of other people! Here at DC, we are asked for our opinions and advice; and through free-speech, we'll offer them. I am not above apology, when I say something to offend anyone; or even an OP here on DC. I carefully choose my words; or I will clarify them for the reader. I will not apologize when I speak truthfully, frankly, or critically; with the purest intent to help, or educate. You do an OP a disservice, to tell them what they want to hear; or by pandering to their egos and oversensitivity. Truth these days is despised. The Holy scriptures prophesied in the Book of Timothy such days will come. If you're a Christian, you are familiar with this biblical text.
Nobody is always right, nobody knows everything, and you can't please everybody. Even if I misspell a word, or make a grammatical error; I will go back and correct it. To be sure my meaning is clear. This is my true respect for readers who take their precious-time to read my lengthy-answers. I don't even bother to try to appease defensive-posters, or refute snarky retorts to my advice! It's childish, boorish, and a waste of my time. I have better things to do; but this site is a way to giveback. They don't pay me, and I am paid very well for what I do in the workaday-world. I make time for this.
I will site your second post in response to the advice you received from Honeypie. Your post is frequently asked in many different formats and coming from many different viewpoints. When we respond to posts; we're not always responding directly to only one reader, it is an opportunity to respond to many viewers who have the same question; or it might have occurred to them at some time in their lives. Maybe it was never actually or adequately addressed. We all here have our various styles; and it is a forum of free-thought. The posts and responses are monitored; and to accuse anyone of violent speech is debatable, or a matter of opinion in itself. We have no control over how you perceive and assess things; or how you interpret things. Truth is, we don't know each-other. We uncles and aunts are direct and opinionated. Nothing is written in stone. God the Father, and The Son Jesus Christ have all the answers, ask Him first.
We are addressing a volatile culture that is quick to jump to vile conclusions, or ready to attack; but never really seeing the true meaning or intent. Everything is seen politically, or through some ideology. This is free help, comfort, and opinion. Take it or leave it; that's your prerogative. I hope your feelings aren't hurt by straightforward answers. They will provoke thought, or they'll offend you. We don't even know you, and may never even meet you, so how can we really hurt you? Ignore answers you don't like!
Back to your original post.
If you contact someone, you are seeking their time and attention. You don't know what they are doing at the time of your contact. It's an imposition, no matter how you might see it. You may have good-news, bad-news, a warning, or some sort of information that you wish to impart. If you have a dire emergency, you should call the emergency number! I do not judge my family or friends by the length of their message response-time. If I forget to return a call, or respond to a message; then I wouldn't want them to think the worst of me! I still love them all very much!
Always remember, your contact or message was by no invitation, or comes unexpected; so the responder can respond whenever they're good and ready. Their schedule, or inbox of messages, may be fuller than yours. Some people rarely look at their text messages; because they're not as phone-addicted as most people are these days. If you don't get a response for a few days, isn't it up to you to do a follow-up message? Shouldn't you call if the matter is of any urgency or importance? I have roadside assistance for breakdowns; and a special on-call friend or relative I can count-on in a pinch! God is always on-call!
I know how some people are very rude, and respond weeks later. That should register with you as someone who is a slow-responder; and you should minimize your contact, because they don't particularly care whether they hear from you or not. That is often a nonverbal hint. "I don't particularly care to hear from you!" On the other-hand, life gets so busy and message inboxes get so full of everybody's important or urgent messages; you'll just decide you'll get to them, whenever you'll get to them. That's our individual right; and if they respond at all, consider that a privilege. I often indicate in a message that people call, or respond, at their "earliest convenience." It is a courtesy to let them know, I'd like a response soon; but I am also respectful of your time and schedule.
No-one's time or attention revolves around our anxieties or insecurities. We manage our feelings and emotions with impulse-control; and our built-in mechanisms of self-control.
We must exercise patience and respect; and we should weed-out repeat-offenders. We take an extra-strength chill-pill! We don't allow ourselves to freak-out, or stew in our juices; when people don't talk like we think they should, and/or respond when (or how) we think they should. We have to get (and keep) a grip on reality! Maybe...just maybe, everyone isn't as nice or righteous as we "believe" ourselves to be? When we are offended, Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek. "How many times must we forgive, seven times?" One disciple asked. Jesus says "seventy times seven!" Why? That's because human beings are full of faults and weaknesses. We're mean and sinful. All of us!!!
We are given the freewill to tolerate only what we want to; and we are obliged to move on when we find ourselves dealing with folks who show us no respect, or proper consideration. Life is too short, and God is too good; to be having anxiety over what we cannot change, or control.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 May 2021):
 I'm not here to cuddle you. OP. I'm here to give my HONEST and OPEN opinion and advice. You can freely take or ignore any and all things I say. It's OK. That doesn't constitute you slighting me or any such thing. If you don't find it helpful, skip to the next answer or the next. Or if you don't like it, skip ahead.
I am blunt in how I word stuff, no doubt. Violent? No. If you CHOOSE to interpret or FEEL that my words are violent, please SKIP my answers, ignore them.
English is my 3rd language so it might also be a little different in how I express myself in writing. I am just as blunt in my native language.
And sometimes the written words do not translate exactly as meant when you (that is a general you, not you specifically) don't know the author (in this case me).
But I have to say I have never perceived words as violence. Hurtful, sure. Violence is something entirely different. As Oxford definition state:
1. Behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.
1.1 (Law) The unlawful exercise of physical force or intimidation by the exhibition of such force.
2.Strength of emotion or of a destructive natural force.
---------------
I'm glad you are fine with letting me know how I need to "check myself". Will it make a difference? No. I will do me, you do you.
I didn't call you names and I certainly didn't set out to offence. What you CHOOSE to do with it, that is on you.
And thank you, Kenny.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKenny, thanks for this. I have no issue with varied responses and am very grateful to all who respond in a way which doesn't feel bad or unconstructive to me. That means non-violent, non-judgmental language. Not capitalizing the word YOU. Instead of asking questions about when NVM was, the tone became dismissive and more akin to the popular kid at high school.
This is a great shame as honeypie's advice is sound. Maybe that aunt should watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCbxAMgfkkM.
If someone comes on this site asking for help and to understand, does that not suggest they are looking to grow and look within themselves. When Honeypie responds it feels bullying and unkind.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (16 May 2021):
 OP if you leave a post here on DC asking for advice you are going to have to be accepting of the fact that you are going to get varied answers some of which you agree with and some you don't.
All the Aunts on this site are answering questions on a voluntary basis, some of which have been giving great advice to others for many years.
I fail to see how Honeypie's response was patronizing, or violent.
Please remember that the Aunts are here to offer advice and help people.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): Non-violent communication is a theory around communication, in a way which isn’t going to be perceived as hurtful but also finds answers. Many of us struggle to say things that are true to our intention without it coming out as angry. It is not entitlement to look for balance. I am referring to dating scenarios but also new friends. It is often the same people who urgently demand quick response who also give themselves ample time before responding. I understand people have other priorities, I understand I am not owed anything. Though I would argue ghosting is simply poor manners, lazy and bad communication skills. In most but not all circumstances. My view is if someone ghosts they are showing me that I didn’t miss out on anything at all.If a stranger contacts me I don’t owe them a response but if I ghost that person, I shoudn‘t be surprised later down the line if they don’t help me or have nice impression of me. It’s a small world, and feeling you don’t owe anyone anything Is the exact opposite of good will and building connections. We are all constantly on messengers apps, this is contemporary existence. Telling me I have too much time on my hands, when I’m simply looking to be better and understand difference, just feels a bit snippy.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (16 May 2021):
I think that everyone is different, no one is the same and it would be a strange world if we was.
While i'm sure we would all like to respond to correspondence quickly and right after we received it sometimes this is not always possible. Whether it be work, driving, asleep there are many reasons why people don't respond straight away.
while i myself like to respond as quickly as i can sometimes this is not always possible for whatever reasons. Just because i have not responded straight away does not mean i don't honor or respect others.
I guess in the dating scenario, if i had not heard anything for a week i would just take it that they are just not interested.
I rather perplexed by what you mean by you need more communication in a way that's non violent?.
Just accept that everyone is different and have different things going on on their lives. Accept the fact that some people respond straight away and some don't.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 May 2021):
A couple of questions: do you work and do you have any "regular" responsibilities (by that I mean things you have to do and which take priority over "communications")? I ask because, reading your post, I could not help building a mental picture of someone whose life revolves around messaging. This may absolutely not be the case, but that is the impression I got from the content of your post.
I read something a while ago which has stayed with me, and that is that stress is often caused by us having unrealistic expectations of situations (or, in this case, people) outside of our control and not being able to reconcile our expectations with reality. For instance, I expect to be able to get from A to B in 10 minutes but today there is heavy traffic and the journey is going to take me a lot longer. If I am a stressful person, I will immediately have thoughts like "This is really inconvenient for me. Why are all these people out at this time today? I wonder if I can do a detour and get round this?" If I am a more relaxed person, I will think "Oh heck, this is unexpected, but there's not a lot I can do about it and it's not going to make that much difference to my day." Two individuals in the same situation but with completely different takes on it. It's all about perception and entitlement.
I'm a little puzzled by the part of your post where you refer to people who "dont feel they owe me a response because they don't know me". In what situation are yo messaging people you don't know? I absolutely do not feel I owe complete strangers a response if they contact me. Why would I?
As someone who would be the epitome of your nightmare friend, I can only try to explain why I personally cannot reply to all messages instantly. I work full time. If I am at work, I will check my phone occasionally but will only respond to urgent messages. Anything else I will leave till my break or till I have finished work. I am paid to work during set hours, not to spend my time answering personal messages. When I am driving I obviously cannot answer messages. When I am in the company of friends, I may quickly check my phone but would never be so rude as to answer messages which were not urgent. If I am shopping, I obviously cannot answer messages. If I am in the middle of a meal, I will not answer anything but urgent messages. Sometimes I will have a number of messages at the end of the day which require responses. Occasionally I will think I have answered one whereas, in fact, I have thought about it but not actually done it. My friends know, if they have not had a response, to just drop me a nudge message and I will respond as soon as I can. They know it is not personal, just that most people lead busy lives and sometimes things "slip through the net". I exercise the same understanding towards them and their situations.
You can do anything you want to in life but I always impress upon people that they need to remember that every course of action comes with a price. By all means, "demand" more prompt responses from people, but bear in mind the price you pay for that may be that they cut you off completely. Why do you believe your right to receive a response should take priority over other things going on in people's lives?
Bottom line: I think you need to chill a bit, find some interests which do not involve messaging so you have something to take your mind off waiting for responses from people, and get rid of the sense of entitlement while developing a sense of empathy for others and their situations.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, your response is helpful, patronizing, and YES a little violent. Perhaps you want to look up NVC (Non-violent communication), words CAN be violent, and often it's people's refusal to see that leads to unresolvable conflict.Is your goal to belittle me and make me feel ashamed of coming here and asking for help and growth, or to understand what makes me feel this way and support with wisdom, all your responses I have seen are simply rude, and sometimes that defeats your true intention, to help others. All you needed to say was "we all communicate differently, and if you don't vibe with their communication style, then move on"Are you able to look within yourself and grow? I urge you to. It seems you don't realize how you come across on here, I'm fine with letting you know your tone is not pleasant and I ask you to check yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): i feel your pain here as i feel the same way i always get back to people as soon as i can within a day at least. i dont really get on with people who takes days and weeks to answer messages it gets so annoying really quickly because you just feel like giving up on them.
I would say if people dont treat you in a respectable manner and return messages for days then simply delete them. why should they treat you bad when you are being good?
You set your boundaries and you will find others follow or drop off the face of the earth and good riddance to them whos got time for that !
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 May 2021):
You ask:
"am I well within my rights to ask them to meet me in the middle?"
To almost stranger??
No, you are not.
It's not your "right" to demand they communicate to YOUR satisfaction or with the same intention as you. Because they are NOT you.
You also say:
"If so what is a nice, polite and respectful way of making them realise, that I need more communication, in a way thats non-violent?"
Non-violent? What in the world do you mean by that? Words aren't violence. Words can be mean-sounding or rude-sounding or even offensive (to you) but violent? Seriously?
Why not ACCEPT that not everyone handles communication as you do yourself?
So if you meet someone new, that you would like to get to know better, maybe feel out whether they can communicate with you, to a degree that YOU can understand and accept. If they don't, MAYBE that person isn't someone to INVEST in too deeply.
I have a friend who will text all these "pretty gifs" and inspirational quotes and I really don't know what to do with that. If they want to TALK or CHAT - they can say something meaningful. I don't need an "inspirational quote" and then have to try and interpret what they meant by it. I... simply ignore those. Same with emojis to a degree. Though, with my kids, we will emoji whole silly conversations because we KNOW the joke behind some of them or can guess what was meant. And it's all in good fun.
That doesn't mean I'm a BAD friend or communicator with my friend. I just don't think "inspirational quotes" is how you have conversations. I don't tell her not to send them (she still does 8 years later) and I still don't reply to them but I do to everything else.
You are trying to make sense of something you can't know. And that is HOW they tick compared to yourself. If this is a person you don't really know, STOP reading more into their actions than you can ACTUALLY glean. I doubt many people spend time thinking:" Oh, I'm going to deliberately HURT this guy by not replying as fast as HE might like, or not reply at all." Seriously. NO ONE out there does that.
And no, OP you are NOT owed a reply. From anyone. Ever. Yes, it would be nice if someone you talked to who (let's say) wasn't interested after all, to say hey, I'm not interested. Instead of "ghosting" you.
But, that is life. THEY make THEIR own choices and have to LIVE with those. And sometimes YOU have to as well.
I'd say FOCUS on what makes you anxious and why. TRY and define it. I think that would be step one. Step 2 might be to accept (as you DO understand) we are all different and do things differently.
In a dating scenario (since you brought that up) If someone is slow to reply or doesn't reply at all, YOU might want to accept that any further investment on YOUR side is wasted on them and move on.
Now if you have been dating someone a while and gotten to know them a bit better (in person) it's OK to say hey I like to reply fast to let you know I read your text, e-mail (or whatnot) and I would appreciate if you would do the same for me. Now, whether they will DO it or not, is another matter. You can bring a horse to water but you can not make them drink.
It's not your job or place to tell others how to be, behave, think and communicate. Just like it's NOT their job to tell YOU how to be, behave, think or communicate.
We all have to be a little flexible. A little sturdy.
...............................
|
