A
male
age
41-50,
*reek
writes:I met a wonderful girl at the end of june, and i have fallen so in love with her. and she said she feels the same way too. But she is married and unhappy. so now nearly 4 months in to this crazyness im feeling like im being played. we meet up a few times a week and spend the night together once a month. she's lovely but she has told me to wait till after Christmas until she can leave her old life behind and move forward in to this one. she wants to live on her own for a while, i get that but she says one thing and does something completely different. how can i get to understand or am i just being used??
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 I'm not sure what is wonderful, or comforting, about a person who cheats. Some one who is untrustworthy, lies, acts selfishly ,comes home and lay down in the same bed after having sex with another all the while keeping a straight faces not, what i would consider, a good catch. Christmas will come and go, then it will be Easter....If people are so unhappy then they leave, you are making her decision to stay all that bit easier because you might be all that she's missing to stay in it.
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 October 2015):
 Hi,
you are a mature aged man and with all due respect, i personally think/sense that you're in serious denial of the absolute truth here.
If this woman, whom you are in love with, was legitimate about her serious intent and her love for you, you can bet your bottom $, that by now, she'd have made some sort of move within her so called 'unhappy' marriage.
The truth be known, she has no real intent to leave her husband, or at least just yet, because as other readers have stated, she is getting the best of both worlds!
What concerns and puzzles me most, is the fact that you are falling for a liar and a two timer, yet you don't seem overly concerned about this.
Most men of sound mind and logic, wouldn't even entertain the idea of seeing, nor sleeping with a married woman, no matter how unhappy she says she is, within her marriage.
Even if she did leave her husband for you, this wouldn't make it all better.
When one relationship ends, the person requires much time, to find themselves and to find complete closure again, so that they're free to start over in a positive way and with the right person.
She is spending private time with you, away from her husband and this behaviour alone, because she is still legally married, makes her an untrustworthy person.
As a previous reader said, if she can do this to her husband and to you, she can do this to anybody!
I may be wrong here, but i sense that you may have low self-esteem and you are looking for somebody to fill that void, by way of giving you attention.
You say you're in love with her, but to truly love, cherish and adore another, means to have complete freedom within that relationship to display those feelings toward each other without reservation or hindrances (her husband) and to be able to freely go out in public, anywhere and everywhere, without fear, nor embarrassment.
It's about the ability, to be together at any time of the day or night, without the need to tip toe around each other and others.
It is not about living a lie. This is not a realtionship.
I suspect this woman would never wish to be seen with you, anywhere and everywhere, because she fears getting caught by her husband, or anybody associated with his side of the family, or even hers.
Those who know her, that you've so far met, obviously have little understanding of the severity of what she is doing and what you're both engaged in.
Or maybe they don't like what they see, but they don't want to say anything, so as not to cause trouble and involve themselves in her private life.
They are her friends, so obviously, regardless of her misgivings, they're going to stand by her, but that doesn't make it all ok and it doesn't mean that you and she are ok.
She isn't even seperated, let alone divorced.
This is a messy game and eventually, you'll both get caught out and it could get very ugly for you both.
I would strongly advise you to close off all ties with her and inform her, that because she is still married and you truly don't know where you stand with her, you don't wish to continue this game and seeing her anymore.
You must mean what you say and cease all communication with her.
Even if she tries to contact you, ignore her at all costs for some time, just to seriously get your msg across, if you really want to see her true colours exposed.
Send her a very strong signal and if she truly wishes to be with you, no matter how long it takes, it will happen, if not, then you got to see her raw and true colours, as i just stated.
Please stop wasting your time with a married woman. Seek a single woman in future, one that makes a commitment to you, a real possibility.
I know you love her, but with all due respect, there are plenty of gorgeous, intelligent, funny and committed girls out there and most don't commit adultery and tell serious lies!!
Is this the way that you wish to conduct a relationship. With lies?
This is more about you actually. You have fallen for her hard and fast, however, she doesn't feel quite the same as you, for she is married.
It's you, who has to be in complete control here, as she is clearly out of control.
Do you know that for most women, to get married, takes a lot of work, energy and committing to.
This woman would not have married her husband, just for the sake of it.
She would have fallen in love, she would have established trust, commitment, honesty, loyalty and a whole lot more, so if you're assuming and/or hoping that she'll suddenly throw all that away, without giving it another shot, her and her husbands best shot, you must be kidding yourself.
She has no need, nor desire to throw her marriage away, because what she seeks is extra intimacy and she gets that from you, but if her husband gives her more time & intimacy, you will be history, i am sorry to say.
You are the bomb, waiting to explode, so to speak, yet you don't even realise this, nor recognise it.
Most women, if not all, will only seek external attention outside of their relationship or marriage, if they aren't getting everything that they want, but once they do, they will quickly get rid of the external connection and come back to their partner/spouse and quickly come back to their senses.
In some cases, they don't, because the damage is too far gone, but in most cases they will come back and work things out.
If she was to leave her husband, you would just be the rebound guy anyway.
How can she possibly be in love with you, when she has her husband still waiting at home and she still "chooses" to resides with him!
Please do yourself the biggest favour and let go of her and move on, if not for her sake, for your own sake, because from where i sit, i can only see much heartache for you and she.
A healthy relationship must start on a solid and strong foundation, clean and fresh, which you and she have not done so and never have done so.
Sorry to say, but i speak the truth.
Don't try to fool yourself even more, because being in denial never got anybody anywhere.
You sound like a nice guy and i do wish you all the best! :-)
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (21 October 2015):
 Thanks for the follow-up, OP. If she has both you and her friends telling her to leave the marriage and she's still choosing to stay in it, I'm sorry to say it doesn't sound like she's as emotionally finished with her husband as she would like you to believe. It sounds like perhaps she is going through a rough patch in her marriage and isn't quite ready to write her husband off for good, but is enjoying the drama and diversion of a secret affair. In the meantime, do you truly want to invest more time and emotion into this shell of a relationship on the off chance she up-ends her married life and picks you?
I can't stress this enough, you deserve better than that! And I wish you the courage to go find it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 October 2015):
Unhappily married? So unhappy that she wants one more Christmas with the hubby? Married is the more important word in that description. She’s a cheat: if she can do it to him, she can do it to you, and by having an affair you’re no better than her. She is delaying leaving him, and you’ve got to wonder why? Then she’s expecting you to hang on whilst she has a try of the single life for a bit and then, eventually at some unspecified time in the future, you might just be worth committing to. You’re being used and played and you need to end it, sorry. Have a little more self-respect: any woman sleeping with a married man would be told that and it’s no different when the situation is reversed.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2015):
 Yes, you got played. You are the "mistress" in this scenario, the dirty little secret of hers.
If she was OH so unhappy in her marriage, she could have left, divorced, but what does she do? She CHEATS (with you). What does that tell you?
That you can't trust her words. She will lie to get what she wants. Lie to her HUSBAND and lie to you - don't think for one moment she makes distinctions as to whom she lies to.
My advice? Cut her off cold. 100% block, delete and remove her number. No IM, not FB chats, no texts, no calls, no NOTHING.
And next time? Don't "date" someone who is married. Look for a single girl. UNLESS you like wasting your time and feeling used.
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A
male
reader, greek +, writes (21 October 2015):
greek is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's just what I was thinking but there is a bit more to it that I just don't get! Why would she tell her friends about me and some of them I have met. And they think that I am a grate guy. And they also tell her she needs to sort it out too...
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (21 October 2015):
Unfortunately, by staying "with" her even though she is currently married to someone else, you are making it easier for her to maintain a situation you don't like. She has the best of both worlds - the husband she's with in front of family and friends, and you to provide whatever parts of a relationship her husband apparently doesn't. All HER needs are being met, but meanwhile all you get from this "relationship" are bits and pieces of her time and affection. None of this gives her any motivation to leave her marriage, because she gets to keep her respectable image AND enjoy the extra attention and thrill of a secret lover.
You are right to notice the disconnect between her words and her actions, and it's the *actions* you need to pay attention to, because cheaters both male and female can and often do say anything to string along their lovers. They can't offer much in the way of actions (seeing the lover frequently or acknowledging them publicly) and they try to make up for this with words - how miserable they are in their marriages, how they don't actually have sex with their spouses, how the lover is so amazing and so perfect for them. But it's rare for them to leave, and it's important for you to understand that as long as you are willing to ENABLE the situation by showing love and attention to this married woman, you give her LESS motivation to make a drastic move and file for divorce. You may end up wasting months or even years of your life waiting for something that might never happen.
The easiest way to ascertain whether she really loves you and wants to be with you is to cut things off and say that you can't deal with the secrecy anymore, but she is welcome to call you when she is single. If she truly wants you, she will divorce her husband and come after you. Let her show you with ACTIONS rather than words that she is being truthful about her unhappy marriage and her intentions to leave.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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