A
female
age
41-50,
*uriousandconfused
writes:I'm casually seeing this guy...he is seeing a few other women - to make a long story short, my best friend is his sister and they live together. She thought he was coming down with a cold, so when we went out and I got him some cold medicine. He took some when we got back and was very thankful. But the next morning (I stayed over on the couch) he told me that it was his allergies and not a cold. He obviously had designs to get it on, and we did.Then about a day later, I start to get really sick and hear from his sister that he's really sick, too. Now for me getting sick is a big deal because I have lupus, an autoimmune disease. I'm not sure if he thought of this, but he knows I'm worried about HIV because he has several partners and if I ever got HIV I'd be dead within months. Anyway, I start texting him all my symptoms, asking him what symptoms he has because I'm not sure if it's a cold, the flu or mono - I text him my symptoms - it hurts like razor blades to swallow, fever, chills, bodyache, dizziness, etc. He texts back to tell me to relax, I don't have HIV and that I knew he had a cold before I hooked up with him because I bought him cold medicine. This bothers me because at the time we hooked up he claimed that he only had allergies. I texted back "You told me you had allergies!" which he never addressed but went on to text some other things. He's also had plenty of time while texting to slip in a simple "sorry" for getting me so sick. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive - I would never lie to someone about not being sick to get into their pants, and if I did get someone really sick I would apologize to them even if I had no control over it (though I think he did). I wasn't pestering him, but my last text to him was a saracastic "I forgive you for getting me sick," to which he never replied.So my question is, is this guy is acting like a big turd or am I just overreacting? Should I stop seeing him?
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (12 September 2011):
 Hello OP, I agree with CindyCares, they both sound like a bunch of A******s... Good riddance to them.
But please, try hard in future not to give so much of yourself away until you really know that person first, because you deserve some of your kindness and care to come back also - friendship and love is not a one way street.
I think you are also vulnerable because of the Lupis, I know the medication can make you feel REALLY sick and drained and tired. It can make you anxious and depressed (I've seen my sister go through some mood swings) so try to save up your batteries for those who really deserve it. No more cleaning up her mess - or anyone's mess for that matter - or looking after people, it's your turn to be looked after, not you doing all the rescuing for everyone else. There are some good people in the world, but it's hard finding them, isn't it? But I think that comes getting older and hitting our 30's.
I wish this guy didn't have such a hold on you sexually, but from what you've written, you want to put him behind you, so DO. He is not worth it, nor is your friend. You will find a great man with both heart AND sexual attraction. It's a terrible time right now for you, coming after a break up and having Lupis, so be kind to yourself and take your time. Good things come to those who wait - ALWAYS. Sammy xx
A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (11 September 2011):
curiousandconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, CindyCares. :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 OP,personally I would not tell you to call your friend and clear it up, - because from what you say both brother and sister sound like quite a couple of d...heads, so if it were me, I'd just ditch both and leave them to a gloomy destiny of debauchery and constipation, lol . But, you are probably a better person than I am , so if you feel like calling her , by all means do.I think you just had a "aha" moment : you say : I am always giving TOO MUCH to other people then I end up feeling used.Yes, I think that's it- try to not to give " too much ". Just give what you feel comfortable giving, without stretching it to the limits of self-sacrifice. And most of all ( that's more difficult ) if you give, give because it feels good to you, because you feel like doing it,- without any assumptions or expectations about what you should get back . As you have seen, our ideas about what people should do , and their ideas about the same, can be widely different....Feel better soon !
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A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (10 September 2011):
curiousandconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I'm back again with strep throat. Thanks everyone for replying. I talked to the doctor about seeing someone who has casual partners and of course he's confirmed everyone's diagnonis here: STOP SEEING HIM. Thank you, Tisha & Jmtmj - the MSID is right on, I've experienced it before AND WILL REMEMBER FROM NOW ON, and the texting isn't helping much with giving him any cues. I don't think I will be confronting him because I'm ending the relationship. Honeypie - this is the first time I've ever seen someone who has multiple partners. I was coming out of a long term sexually unsatisfying relationship, and my bf's bro was there and always hitting on me. I caved and then after that it was like crack-cocaine, we were so attracted to each other, and he told me how unlikely it was that he would get hiv from other women, that he did the research and getting hiv from oral sex was unlikely. (I've done research since then that says otherwise) SVF & CindyCares - I'm not in love with him but I do have a physical attachment to him. I had no intention of sleeping with him the next day. My best friend and I came home late and the plan was for me to stay overnight in the living room. She told me he was coming down with something so I bought him some cold meds and put it on his bed and planned to leave the next morning. As for being best friends with his sister, she's been kind of "egging us on" to get together. Anytime I said he was attractive she'd run and tell him and vice versa. I'm not angry at HIM anymore but I am questioning why I give people such a hard time. I seem to have high standards of how people should treat each other and then when they don't meet them, I get furious and withdraw. Like I'm angry at my best friend right now and ignoring her texts because when I texted her that I was feeling so sick that I was going to urgent care last night, and I got a text from her about how great it was to finally have a bowel movement after days of constipation and lots of "yippeees!" because of it. I congratulated her and mentioned I was at urgent care again and I was freezing, and she didn't text back. Then hours later I texted her again and asked her if she even got my text about being in urgent care and she was like "oh yeah, let me know what they put you on" and went on about the orange juice and garlic I told her to buy in case she got sick. She knows that I was "hurt" by her brother's lack of response but I didn't tell her how pissed off I was, because she puts him up on a huge pedestal and keeps telling me what a great great guy he is, and I think maybe her being so flippant about my health is some sort of denial about the whole incident or...I really have no idea.
The thing is that I always go out of my way for other people, especially my bf & her bro because I empathize with them growing up in a crazy environment like I did. Their place was always a huge mess and I figured my best friend was too depressed or overwhelmed to clean it, so I did it for her on more than one occasion. I've given her a lot of information on health and how to lose weight and teaching her exercises. I got worried that her brother drank nothing but diet soda, not even water, and researched and printed out a whole folder about the dangers of aspertame and how to quit it. And so many other things for them, without expecting anything - thank you was enough. And when something like this happens and they seem so flippant about it, I'm like f*ck, do these people deserve me in their life? I don't mean to sound like a martyr here. I always give too much to other people and then end up feeling used, and I felt like I met someone (my best friend of one year) I trusted and who wouldn't do this to me and then gave it my all. (I have a feeling this well end up being another cupid question and some of you are screaming in your heads - well then just call your friend and clear it up dammit!)
Thanks everyone, for your patience and for the health concerns and advice. I will be very, very careful from now on...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 September 2011):
 Much Ado About Nothing
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (9 September 2011):
 I'm with Tisha on this one... we're not mind readers, we're nowhere near as "tuned in" to body language, tonality and social cues as women are... and we're even crappier at picking up sarcasm or "hidden layers" in text message form. I think if he knew you were hurt and expecting an apology or at the very least- sympathy, that he'd make an effort to give one... depending on how stubborn he is. He does still sound like a tool as well though.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 September 2011):
There's a fallacy in your reasoning :
you suspect him of having known all along that it was not allergy but a cold, and that he KNEW he could endanger you by making you sick, but he did it anyway because he wanted to get it on. You also know that he is bedding a quantity of other ladies and has not said or done anything yet to indicate that he favours you among all them.
In other words, you are pretty sure he is a selfish inconsiderate jerk and a scrupleless horndog. And, from someone like that, ...you also expect though that he ' d apologize for his wrongdoing ? You expect him to be repentant, to feel " oh my God what I have done, let me ask forgiveness ? " You expect him to give a hoot ? ... That would be inconsistent with his previous actions, i.e. if he'd given a hoot, he would not have risked to infect you just because he was horny.
I think that's not the breach of etiquette which you are bitter about ,but the fact that you overestimated how much he 's into you. Just because he paid dinner does not mean he cares, - that was before getting it on, right ?
It is also to be stressed that probably, though, as RedAthena remarks, things did not go exactly as you think.
Meaning, you don't need to have sex to catch a flu bug.
You just need to be around people who's coughing ,sneezing or simply incubating the virus. Why do you think doctors insist that people should wash their hands many many times a day when there's a flu around ? Because infinitesimal micro-parts of saliva stay on door knobs, towel racks , etc.- maybe you touched something the night you stayed over, even way before being intimate, and voila', that's all it takes for getting sick.
So, obviously, if your health is particularly vulnerable, the correct choice , when he mentioned " I may be coming up with something " would NOT have been buying him cold medicine and staying around to see what happens, but saying : " bye, I am out of here , see you when you are well again ".
Probably he thinks, not totally without logic, that you are an adult and you know what you are doing healthwise, so if you willingly risk infection, that's up to you and why he should apologize because you have decided to be slapdash. Not a very sensitive way to see things, Ok, but also not totally irrational.
In any case, the conclusion would still be : stay away from this guy, he's obviously not going to be good for you- in many different senses including health,
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (9 September 2011):
I don't know any other way of saying this ... but your attitude is a bit weird. I would never think to get so angry and het up over a casual sexual encounter. Are you secretly in love with him to get so overworked about this issue?1. You knew he had a cold - you went and BOUGHT him the medication for it. Even if he said it was an allergy, you should still have stayed AWAY, as you know you have Lupis. My sister has Lupis, and she has a very different attitude to handling it than you do, she is very cautious.2. Getting angry at him - laying on the guilt trip isn't the norm for a casual sex thing. It's a no strings attached F***, so you don't really have any rights. You should probably stay away from that kind of thing if you have Lupis, as it is just so risky, even if you didn't have Lupis. I have never had a fwb thing happen, so I can't really judge as I haven't got the experience.3. I don't think you have thought to clearly on sleeping with this particular guy. He is your BEST FRIEND's brother. Surely you realise that this opens a whole can of worms. It's pretty much on the cards that it's going to end in tears? She is always going to be his sister, and you want her as your best friend, so that is creating a situation of conflict at the best of times when things go wrong, as they always do when it involves friends and relatives.You will have to be the bigger person and try not to whinge to much in front of her. I know you're pissed off, but I don't think you are in the right on this one, as you had possession of all the facts beforehand. Even if someone has an allergy, I still stay away from them, I just don't trust anyone but my own instincts when it comes to being sick. I am 8 months pregnant, so I completely understand the protective health thing, but yes, I do have a flu which I got from a friends 1 year old, but, I can't have a go at the mother, as these things go around in winter, it's a part of life. I have been on antibiotics for 2 weeks and have had the flu for 8 weeks now. Surely I have more reason to be pissed of than you - but I'm not. Try to to lose the anger.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 September 2011):
 1. stop sleeping with him. I don't understand why you are "risking your life" to sleep with this guy.
2. let it go. If he apologizes, he apologizes if not, well then you know what kind of guy he is.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 September 2011):
 You know what? This is bothering you so much, stop texting hints to him and just tell him flat out that this is really bothering you and that you would like a nice apology.
Either you'll get one or you won't but you will have made yourself clear, rather than all this hoping he's getting it.
Sorry male Aunts, I'm going to go stereotyping on you, forgive me.
Men are clueless when it comes to the social niceties of life. Step on your foot? "Oh damn, you have some ugly shoes they deserved to get stepped on." Not "I'm so sorry, I won't let that happen again."
Men are not mind readers. They assume that things are hunky-dory unless given explicit indications otherwise. They assume that if something is bothering you, that you will tell them.
You seem to have assumed that because he was cuddly the last time you saw him that this will instantly cure him of male social ineptness disease (aka MSID). This is a well-known condition that causes hurt feelings, an inability to read social cues in humorous texts.
You are trying to solve this by texting. Another mistake. He can't read tone, feeling, blah blah blah, he suffers from MSID AND it's on a text. You have to tell him face to face or on the phone.
He thinks you are amused by the entire situation and that you've already forgiven him. He has MSID. He doesn't know you were being sarcastic and that you are actually furious.
Tell him, for heaven's sake, if he doesn't understand is because you haven't made it clear. Stop with the little cute texts and crap and just TELL HIM out loud with your actual speaking voice.
You may or may not get an apology but at least he will KNOW how and what you are feeling and experiencing and the next girl may benefit.
Take care of yourself!
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female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
curiousandconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm back again. According to his texts he does think that he got me sick. And I'm really really sick. So is it so much to ask, just out of politeness for him to text "I'm sorry you're sick"? And "feel better?" He had plenty of opportunity before my final text to him where I sarcastically "forgave him" for getting me sick. Actually I was trying to be funny about it and thanked him for the tuberculosis. I mean really is that too much to ask? We're not good friends but after our last rendezvous he took me out for lunch, insisted on paying, was really nervous and sweet, made me sit next to him with his arm around me and walked home holding my hand. So I would think he gives at least a crap about me. Am I asking for too much to just want even a "sorry, feel better" text? I'm not going to be involved with him anymore but I will bump into him - I have no choice, he's my best friend's sister and they live together. I don't want to be pissed off. I get very pissed off at things like callousness and rudeness. So please help me out here and give me a reason not to be pissed off. Call me a crazy bitch if you will, but give me some reasons. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
curiousandconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you EyesWideOpen for your blunt reply. Getting HIV is not worth the risk. This is the first time I've ever had a casual relationship. I'm not interested in having a boyfriend at this point in my life and I thought seeing someone with no commitment would be better for my career - but I can't have a career if I'm dead. I either need to find a monogamous lover or stay celibate for a while.
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A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
curiousandconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your comments...you're right, I need to take responsibility for my health and immediately stop seeing him especially with the possibility of getting HIV...he uses condoms but he does everything else so I need to get away from that. Since I don't suffer from allergies, it helps to hear that he might not have known...though I suspect he did. Whenever I'm sick, like now, I'm staying away from my friends and if I ever thought I got someone sick I would apologize - that's how I am. As for anonymous, no, I'm not trying to guilt trip him - he's not my boyfriend and I never planned for him to be. I was freaked out because I've never been that sick before and wanted to know what symptoms he had and thought maybe we had mono. But yes he's a tool and I'm dumping im. Thanks for the wake-up call everyone.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 I think you do have a right to be pissed off that he lied, but not that he got you sick. I think you need to take a little more responsibility for your own health. I have stomach issues that make it dangerous if I catch the stomach flu, so I go way out of my way to avoid it. That usually means not believing people when they say they have food poisoning and not kissing my boyfriend for several days if he vomits even if he thinks it was just something he ate. You could use a touch of germaphobia and skepticism given your condition.
The one thing I've learned from my scrupulous stomach flu avoidance has been that no one but you can understand what you're going through. You can't make someone realize how serious your condition is, only you can realize that and treat it accordingly. It's not because other people are selfish, it's simply because they aren't going through it and can never fully understand. At first I just thought everyone was mean or selfish or rude, but then I realized it's me who has the problem, and me who has to deal with it, not them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Looks like you are trying to guilt trip him and it just makes you look like you are unable to care for yourself, which is a turn off for most guys.
Maybe you felt you went out of your way, showing him what a good girlfriend you would be and he wasn't responsive nor did he reciprocate when you were under the weather.
Compromising your health to secure the interests of a man should be a wake up call for you. He shouldn't have replied because you were out of line and were manipulating him.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 September 2011):
 I think you are being unreasonable.
No one has the ability to completely withold germs from another human being from getting sick.
You do have Lupus, so your immunity is already compromised. That makes YOU responsible for knowing how to protect your own health and general well-being.
You and his sister suspected he was sick. When it doubt, take precautions! You know he is casual with his sex life and you are concerned about being exposed to HIV. Stop having sex with him if you think the risk is too high. that is your choice and your responsibility to make.
The incubation period (the time from exposure to a virus until symptoms/infection shows signs) for a cold is longer than 24-48 hours, meaning you were exposed to viruses a lot longer than just the day before when you got jiggy with it. Also, who knows WHERE you got your virus? It did not come with an ID tag that says "From your BF with love..."
Chances are you DID pick it up from him or his sister, but the transmission may not have been via sex. You could have picked it up with a touch, with airborne transmission, a kiss, touching an infected surface, etc.
He may have felt he just had some allergies and realized it was more...that does not mean he had deviant plans to infect you on purpose! (Allergies and colds have similiar symptoms)
Time to get a better understanding and responsibilities of your health. It is unreasonable to expect someone to apologize for you getting a cold.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2011):
I guess based on your medical situation that you have to be your own health care advocate and err on the side of caution from now on. If someone is sneezing and showing signs of a cold or flu, then assume it's a cold or flu, even if they say it may be allergies. People who enjoy good health don't really comprehend the problems faced by people with compromised immune systems, and unless you are in a position to do some teaching, they aren't likely to spend much time thinking about it.
Yes, maybe this guy should apologize for transferring his germs to you but then you chose to hook up with him despite his symptoms. YOU are in charge of taking care of your health. He is not.
As you have lupus, now you know that your immune system is not normal. Talk to your doctor about your risk factors and avoid the things that will cause you problems. I think casual hook-ups are probably not in the 'good idea' category for you, unless you take some precautions. Ask your doctor what those would be.
Remember, YOU are your best health care advocate. Don't rely on others to do it for you. Take care of yourself!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 September 2011):
It's absolutely your own responsiblity, and nobody else's, to look after your health. If he did give you something really serious like HIV would a "I'm sorry" be enough for you?
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (8 September 2011):
OP I think there is a bigger issue here; if you have a compromised immune system and you need to take special care of your health, then surely seeing a guy who is also seeing other women- and exposing himself to whatever bugs/diseases they are carrying around- is deliberately putting yourself at risk of catching something?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): I think cold is the least of your worries. Dude sleeps around.you have health problem. Why on earth would u pick this kind of behavior? Casually sleeping with someone who can give you potentially deadly decease.I assume u guys don't use protection?
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Yes I think you are overreacting. It's really hard to tell the difference between a cold and allergies in the early stages of a cold and 9 times out of 10 a common cold ony results in a sore throat and runny nose so he had absoutely no way of knowing he was coming down with a flu.
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (8 September 2011):
Over-reacting? Well, yes and no. You've got an auto immune disease so it pays to be careful when your life could be put in jeopardy. If you didn't then yeah, I'd say you'd have over-reacted.
First off, you're basing this all on your belief that he downplayed his cold as allergies so that he could "get it on", like it was some grand diabolical plan.
Allergies do have symptoms similar to colds... how could he have known the difference unless he saw a doctor? So if he couldn't have known, how could you have known what it was or what it wasn't...? Which begs the question, if you knew there was a chance that he could have had a cold and you know he sleeps with other women... why aren't you being more careful about these things? You're using protection right?
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