A
female
age
36-40,
*orayya
writes:Dear Cupid,This is going to be long winded, so apologies beforehand; I just want to get all the details in. Her goes!I have a bit of a history with men. I went through an extremely promiscuous phase a few years ago. I wasn't insecure and I didn't have Daddy issues, I just loved having sex and did it with anyone I found attractive. Sex and love were completely separate in my head and I never fell for anyone I was sleeping with, and found it incomprehensible when a man told me he'd fallen for me just because we were sleeping together. I never had feelings for anyone, never really cared about them. I'll admit I hurt quite a few people, and that's the only thing I regret about that time.That all ended when I was 19 and fell head over heels in love for the first time. Ironically, I didn't sleep with him for the first month we were going out. I don't know why, I just felt I needed to get to know him first. A sentiment that really confused me at the time. Anyway it turned into a very serious yet tempestuous relationship that went on (on and off) for about three years. We talked about marriage, kids the whole deal. We had an incredibly messy break up which left me devastated and very emotionally fragile.After that, I tried to have sex the same way I did before, but it didn't satisfy me anymore. I think many people here can relate to the fact that once you've made love to someone you have a deep emotional connection with, casual encounters just seem so tawdry and sordid in comparison. So I decided to stop having sex altogether until I met someone who I trusted and liked and respected as a person as well.The celibacy carried on for a year and a half. I knew I'd feel like dirt if I carried on having one night stands and I just didn't meet anyone who filled my criteria. It was very frustrating at times though. Now at the beginning of this academic year, a couple of my friends had moved in with someone who had come back from his year abroad and had nowhere to live. He had just broken up with a guy and so we all assumed he was gay. They all fell in love with him immediately. He was funny, witty, outgoing and charming as well as being very motivated and dedicated to his work. I enjoyed being in his company and found him rather attractive, but didn't give him any thought because I, like everyone else, thought he was gay. I would see him at my friend's and bump into him in the library all the time and I just thought he was a really cool guy. A couple of months ago, the friend who lived with him told me that he said he had been confused with his sexuality for a while and he thought that he really wanted to sleep with me. We laughed about it and never really thought anything would come of it as we were both pretty convinced he was gay. He's also rather camp so that played into it as well. It went on though; he kept telling my friend how attracted he was to me and then one night we all went out and I ended up staying in his bed. We just kissed, nothing more, but he told me that he had thought about making a move for a long time but that I intimidated him. He asked me out a couple of days later. I was a bit apprehensive about it because I was worried he wanted a full blown relationship, which I just didn't want, having been hurt badly once. My friends however, reassured me that he just wanted sex and since he fit my criteria I decided to go for it. We went out and ended up sleeping together that night. I pushed it a bit, because he was so shy and also because a year and a half of sexual frustration makes you pretty desperate!Before we actually slept together he told me had had sexual relationships with girls in the past and that put me at ease, as I was worried he may get emotionally involved if I were his first female experience. The sex was pretty tender and surprisingly good despite his relative inexperience. We didn't talk to each other at all in the following days and he was very awkward whenever I went over to my friend's place. About a week afterwards, a few of us were pretty drunk and I decided to go to his room and make sure we were cool. I just wanted to make sure we were still friends; I used to have really good 'friends with benefits' set-ups with some of my really close friends which stopped after we all got into relationships, and I didn't understand why he was being weird around me. So I went in and he was shy at first but when I went to leave he asked me to sit down and we chatted for a bit and ended up kissing. The first alarm bells went off in my head when kept trying to kiss me in front of all my friends as I was leaving. In my head, that would make us an item in our group, and I really didn't want that. I wanted what was between us to be private and only sexual; our friends all obviously knew what was going on, but public displays of affection would make it official and that scared me. So I pulled him aside and said that if we were going to continue this, we needed some ground rules;i) This is just a bit of fun.ii) We don't let it get to the place where things become awkward for the rest of the group.iii) Everything will be cool between us no matter what.He nodded his head to all of them and I took that as agreement. We didn't talk again for a few days until we set up another date. The fact that we weren't talking every day or making inane small talk all the time reassured me that things were just the same as before, except we were having sex. At the time that suited me just fine. This time we didn't even bother going out. He just came over and we got into bed after about 20 minutes. This time it was a lot more intimate, and we spent most of the time talking and cuddling. I found it a bit strange and my first instinct was to put up my walls, but I was excited by it at the same time. He asked me whether I enjoyed talking to him more or sleeping with him and I hesitated for a bit and he looked shocked and hurt. We had a conversation where he said he thought it was impossible to keep sleeping with someone and not expect deeper feelings to develop and I was adamant that the two could be separated, and said I'd done it many times before. He continued saying that he thought that was really unrealistic when he must have seen the alarmed look on my face because he looked slightly panicked and changed the subject. He spent the night and we got up and got ready and walked to uni together. It freaked me out a bit, it was all so couple-y. I refused to kiss him goodbye when I went to class; it was just a knee-jerk reaction, it was too much too soon. I did it laughingly, but he still seemed a bit hurt. I thought he was joking at the time but now I'm not so sure.I spoke to my friend that day and she said he'd practically bounced into the flat, all smiles and showed her the scratches on his back proudly. She said she'd never seen him as happy as he had been since he started seeing me, and that everyone had commented on how different he was. This worried me, but made me feel good at the same time. That feeling, coupled with how much I'd enjoyed the previous night suddenly made me wonder whether I liked him more than a friend. I thought about him a lot over the next week, but didn't hear from him. I sent him a couple of texts, one to ask whether he could get my friend to call me because I couldn't get through to her phone, and one to apologise for rushing past him in library (which I would have done for anyone, as I consider it to be common courtesy) and he didn't reply to either. I saw him a couple of times in the library; I'll admit I started going in the hours I knew he was there just to see him, but he was distant every time. I talked to the friend who lives with him who said he had barely spoken to her at all that week and had been working in his room whenever he was home. So I didn't think much of it, just that he was busy with work. What she did say however was that he'd been talking quite a it about how we had very different views on sex leading to emotions and he'd told her that he thought I was being unrealistic. Knowing me as long as she has, she said she'd well and truly driven the point home about how I could do that and how she'd witnessed me doing it countless times. She thought she was doing me a service, so I appreciated it but at the same time I really wished she hadn't, as by that point I was developing romantic feelings for this guy. He was just so funny and clever and a pleasure to be around, and obviously I'd enjoyed sleeping with him. She also said that she was almost certain that he'd lied to me about previous relationships with girls. So Friday night I thought I'd bite the bullet and texted him, asking if he was free for a drink. He apologised, saying he needed to do a lot of work that night as he'd planned to meet some friends the next day. He said maybe next week some time? I considered that to be a brush off. I still do. I started obsessing over it, and asked a friend who told me that from what he'd said, she'd gotten the impression that the conversations he had with me and his flatmate about separating sex and love had made him rethink things and he was worried about developing what he thought were unwelcome feelings if it carried on. He hadn't said so in so many words though.So I decided to text him again, thinking that even if nothing ever happened between us, I still wanted to be friends. I said, "Hey, are you free anytime this week for a coffee/drink? I just wanted to have a quick chat. If you don't want to just say so, no hard feelings. :)" No reply to that. And this is someone who has their phone on them all the time.So now I'm pretty much scared to go to the library or my friend's house for fear of bumping into him, plus I've been thinking about him a lot over the past week and I think I really like him and would be willing to give something more a go. But he won't talk to me. I keep thinking it must be one of the following scenarios:, i) The tenderness was all just an act; he just wanted to sleep with me.ii) He's dedicated to his schoolwork and since this is his final year, doesn't want any distractions so close to the end of his degree.iii) He's confused about his sexuality and doesn't know how to deal with sleeping with a girl. iv) He thinks if he carries on seeing me he'll fall for me and is trying to protect his feelings since everyone made it clear that they would be unwelcome.My friends who talk to him think it's the last one, but that doesn't explain why he's completely ignoring my attempts to see him for a coffee; even if it's just to say he's busy. I'm inclined to think it's the first scenario, but I think the fact that I like him, and the way he was with me makes me not want to believe it.I know I screwed things up by being emotionally challenged and distant but at first I didn't see him as someone I could be romantically involved with, and even when I did I was too scared of getting hurt again to reciprocate. I feel like I've blown it by being a defensive idiot and I don't know what to do to make it right and see if we have a shot at something more. I don't want to contact him again, seeing as he's ignoring me; I don't want to be the psycho who keeps harassing him to meet up. Yet I don't know what to say if I bump into him. I feel like I've messed things up with the first guy I've properly liked for so long.Although it could just be the first scenario, in which case I'll just have to deal with it and move on. I just wish I knew. I haven't even admitted liking him to my friends; I'm just too proud and stupid. If you'd made it this far, thank you so much! I know it was ridiculously long. I've never been in a situation like this before, and I just don't know what to do. Any advice on how to handle it would be greatly appreciated. This is affecting my schoolwork and I'm thinking about it and berating myself constantly.Thanks again!Sorayya
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drunk, fell in love, flatmate, insecure, kissing, move on, moved in, one night stand, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 It sounds like he still likes you but is nervous about opening the door to you again. So go for it, just don't let him down again. He is giving you a second chance.
A
female
reader, Sorayya +, writes (16 March 2011):
Sorayya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to add that I know I've slept with a lot of people, and have inadvertently hurt some along the way, but I have never EVER lied to anyone, or misled them or left them hanging. I always did everything I could to make it clear what I was looking for from the get go. Sometimes men have wanted something I couldn't give them, or thought I would change my mind after a while and even though it wasn't something I could help, it made me feel awful that I was causing them pain and I would stop everything.I just can't fathom someone gladly starting something fully knowing that it may break someone's heart and that not bother them one tiny shred.
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A
female
reader, Sorayya +, writes (16 March 2011):
Sorayya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the kind words. I have a update, but what happened hasn't quite sunk in yet.I saw him in the street a couple of evenings ago and started chatting to him. He was awkward so I suggested we go for a drink and he agreed. We talked about our courses and then moved onto everything that happened between us.I can't believe he actually told me this, but apparently everything was an act. The gist of it was, he wanted to sleep with a girl to see if he was attracted to women, and had told a girl that he just wanted to experiment and she'd turned him down. So he thought he's never get anyone to sleep with him if he told the truth, and thought that since he never went out, he'd never meet a random girl to sleep with and so picked me out of the girls in his social circle because he thought I would be most likely to sleep with him.He didn't say so in so many words, but basically made it clear that he manipulated the entire situation, telling my friends he liked me, probably knowing it would get back to me, and then made his move. Everything he said to me about liking me and that about never being exclusively gay and having had relationships with women was a lie and all the affection and tenderness was an act to keep his options open in case he needed to sleep with me again. He said that he decided that even though he was physically attracted to girls, he wasn't emotionally attracted to them and then started avoiding me and stood me up because he thought I would make a scene and shout at him for not contacting me. (Which couldn't have been further from the truth.) I asked him why he lied; he should have known me well enough to know that I wouldn't have had a problem with him experimenting. I would have slept with him all the same and would at least have known what I was getting myself into. He said he thought I wouldn't have slept with him if he hadn't and besides, it would have ruined the game(!) He didn't feel bad about lying at all as he said he'd gotten what he wanted out of it. I feel awful. I feel stupid, duped and taken advantage of. I'm such an idiot for believing everything he said. I can't get over how good an actor he is, or the fact that he manipulated my friends and I so expertly and felt no remorse about it whatever. He went into this knowing that he may seriously hurt someone and decided to do it anyway because he could get what he wanted. It's all so unnerving, so Machiavellian, so cold and calculating. The strangest part was that I got the impression that he WANTED me to have fallen for him; he seemed a bit shocked and disappointed that I wasn't more upset. He couldn't even forgo the ego trip of having someone he didn't want chase after him.What makes it worse in some ways is that my friends, despite being fantastically sympathetic and supportive, all say that at least it was with you, and you don't get emotionally attached. If it was with someone who had fallen for him properly they'd be devastated and completely heartbroken. It's true that I wasn't all that emotionally invested in all of this, but I did still like him a lot and was really excited about it all for a while. Regardless of that, even on a human level I still feel incredibly hurt and betrayed that someone would use me like this, and feel they could treat me with such duplicity and disregard. I think anyone would feel the same, it doesn't minimise what he did at all; it's still wholly inexcusable.It's been two days now and I'm still wallowing. I know this will change, but for now I just feel totally and utterly shit.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (14 March 2011):
 its a shame he has behaved like this. just chalk this up to experience. if anyone did that to me i wouldn't want to know them. you sound lke you have learned and grown up but maybe he hasn't! good luck in your future. you have stopped to think about your past behaviour and that is what counts. i am sure that whe you meet the right guy you now have what it takes to be a great girlfriend :)
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A
female
reader, Sorayya +, writes (10 March 2011):
Sorayya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, I probably needed to hear it.
We arranged to meet yesterday at 8pm (his suggestion) and he didn't show, or reply to the texts I sent asking if he was still coming. I waited for about an hour. I then found out from his flatmate that he wasn't busy, just watching TV. With his phone right next to him no less.
However cold my ground rules I really don't think anything I did justifies that kind of behaviour. It just shows an incredible lack of respect and even common courtesy. I think everyone misunderstood the situation; as far as I'm concerned treating someone like that is highly disrespectful and I don't believe someone would do that if they were only protecting their feelings. Despite everything I've done in my past, I can honestly say I've never left anyone hanging or been rude to them. All he had to do was pick up the phone and let me know he couldn't make it. It would have taken 2 seconds, but he obviously didn't have the balls/simple decency to do so.
I've lost a great deal of respect for him, and although I'm still vaguely curious about the sudden change of heart; how someone can go from shouting "Please call me!" down the street as I'm walking away to completely ignoring texts and standing me up after he set a time and date, I really don't want to pursue it any further at the moment. One of the things that drew me to this person was how much I admired and respected him, and that's just not true anymore.
Thanks again for everyone's advice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): there are a few things going on here, i think - 1. the guy is rightly wary of you, after what you have told him about yourself and your views. Relationships involve feelings, and honesty, and if you suggest an alternative position on this, anyone with feelings for you is going to run a mile;2. you may well be involved in a case of wanting what you can't have. let's face it, there's nothing more beguiling and tantalizing than someone who you can't summon, when you thought you could, and who is maintaining silence (i commend him) in the face of your increasing interest - be realistic and honest about this. What if you start something with him, and then the novelty wears off? where would he be then? he's thought about it, i bet.3. it's fantastic that you have moved into an understanding about what relationships really involve and next time you meet someone (which you will, of course!) you can start off on that footing, and you won't be tempted to say anything about how easily you can separate love and sex, and how that would be the coolest way forward.4. you messed this one up, but don't worry about it - the important thing is, you've learned so much,and you won't do it again. good luck x
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
no, i wouldn't stay away for the sake of his studies really coz if he is into you and you avoid him like as it you don't wanna know him, this might end up being just as distracting.
go for the coffee like he asked you to, just keep things a bit more low key but do explain to him that when his studies are taking up less of his time and energy you would like to maybe concentrate on something a bit more sustantial with him
xx
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A
female
reader, Sorayya +, writes (7 March 2011):
Sorayya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's a bit of an update in this post!
Thanks for the comment GeeGee, I do think I need to put aside all my preconditions and just let him know how I feel and try to see what he's thinking and how he views everything.
angelDlite, thanks for the follow-up and you're right. I would have been hugely embarrassed if the roles had been reversed. He wasn't talking about us when we had that conversation, it was a general one, but if I weren't so slow on the uptake I would have probably realised he was referring to what was going on between us. I did a lot of thinking about it this morning and thought he was probably avoiding me because he thought seeing me would lead to sex, sex would lead to emotions, and emotions would lead to distractions from work, whether or not they were reciprocated. He's very single-minded about his work; some of my friends think he can be quite cold when it comes to his studies. (I think me calling him cold would be a awful case of the pot calling the kettle black!)
So I decided to just leave things be. I don't want to put him in a conflicting position, or jeopardise his studies in any way so close to the end of his degree, not when he's been working so incredibly hard for the whole year.
I'd sort of come to terms with the decision when I was standing outside the library having a cigarette with a couple of friends when I saw him walking out and making a beeline for me. He stood very close and seemed really nervous and giggly. He asked me how I was and then launched into a nervous monologue before I had a chance to respond;
"I'm sorry I didn't respond to your message, I did mean to, I don't know why I didn't. I'm a bit embarrassed now because I didn't respond, but I did want to, I really did. I haven't had any battery all day. But well I did have battery last night, I don't know."
He then told me he'd be in the library all of Wednesday if I wanted to go for coffee and then disappeared before I could get a word in. He was being jittery and laughing nervously the whole way through.
It was really strange. If he did want to respond to the message, why didn't he just do it? And if he didn't, why did he feel the need to explain and apologise so much? Was he planning on avoiding me and now feels forced to meet me?
Now I'm conflicted about what to do when I do see him. Assuming he's avoiding me to protect himself, do I tell him how I really feel, or do I keep it to myself and just stay away so he can get on with his work? I think a chance to be with someone I really like is something I would sacrifice a few work hours a week for, but I don't know if he feels the same and I don't want to put him in a position where he has to choose.
And now I'm just rambling and asking stupid questions. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
i think you do know how to change from being cold to warm because this is exactly what you are doing now in the feelings you are expressing here about this guy!
sometimes when we have a lot of casual partners it takes the specialness out of sex and we can therefore do it without any real feelings for that person. you may have been with a lot of men where there was no feeling on both sides. the fact that you have felt this way for 2 people though tells me that you are capable of feeling. maybe you are just more choosy about who you share your love with (if not your body!)
how about a handwritten letter to him outlining the way you feel? put yourself in his shoes though if you can and think how awful he must have felt when he opened his heart to you enough to discuss feelings and you just 'threw it back in his face' the poor bloke was probably mortified.
prepare yourself that he might not want to give you a chance now. when you are sending him messages inviting him for coffee, he might think you mean 'coffee' in the other way, and you are making him feel like some kind of booty call.
write that letter. he will read it and read it again i bet. don't be afraid to tell him you have been a fool, and hope for the best!
xx
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A
female
reader, Sorayya +, writes (7 March 2011):
Sorayya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi angelDlite!
Thanks for the advice and taking the time to read the long post! I suppose I am a bit cold; I've definitely been called it in the past. I don't know how to change it though, I'm just not very good with feelings and don't know how to deal with or express them. Despite the number of guys I've slept with, this is only the second guy I've felt romantically inclined towards.
I do like a challenge, but I honestly think I really like him. So much so that I've been thinking that if he really is trying to protect himself maybe I should respect his wishes because I'd never want to hurt him. I just want him to know how I truly feel first.
But how do I go about letting him know? He won't meet me for coffee or even answer my texts. I don't want to force myself on him, especially if my friends have misread the situation and he's just not interested. That would be mortifying. It's the sudden change that has me confused; how can he be so happy about everything one moment and then completely shut down and refuse to speak to me the next, especially when nothing new has happened in between?
Also, I do think it's a bit rude to not reply to texts. Why can't he just tell me what he's thinking? Either way, it would be miles better than not knowing.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
hi
i don't know him personally obviously but based purely on what you have said i am inclined to agree with your friends in that he does not want to get too involved with you coz he thinks he will get hurt. he has expressed his thoughts to you about getting attached when having a sexual relationship with someone and you have totally dismissed the idea. i can totally understand his feelings on this matter.
you have been acting quite cold. and the only part of your post that shows any warmth is your paragraph that starts with "i know i've screwed up..." so i think if you could communicate those thoughts to him you may have a better chance of getting him back in your life, as long as you mean it, that is!
be sure before you do this that you are not just wanting him now coz he has distanced himself and you find it a challenge.
you are still very young and were younger still when you had the promiscuous behaviour so don't beat yourself up about this, it seems to me like you have now grown up - emotionally
xx
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (7 March 2011):
Ask your friends to tell him that you miss him and wish you had given him more of a chance. And that you would like to see him again without any just sex, no feeling conditions.
If he still doesn't respond then you'll have to move on and let him go.
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