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A male virgin is not something to proud of.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 February 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2015)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:


I am a young college aged guy who is between universities and degrees. Unlike most men my age and social status, I'm a male virgin who's never even kissed a girl. I've also never even been on a date either.

Up until recently, I was morbidly obese. I lost a lot of weight but I still have more to go as I'm still overweight. A lot of women have told me that I'm not very handsome. It's hard for me to approach women. I know it has to do with confidence but I just don't buy it sometimes.

I've only approached a few women in my life as I can't handle rejection well. I don't get mad at them or get aggressive or anything like that. I get really depressed about the whole situation. It almost feels like a confirmation that I'm not good enough. I talk to women in public settings and through mutual acquaintances but for the most part, I stay away from trying to ask a woman out. It's like why bother if I already know their answer?

Recently a co-worker at my part time job was telling me something that happened to her. Long personal story short, she ended it with: "How can you still be a virgin in your twenties?" I just said "I don't know." but deep down, I felt awful.

I keep thinking about that situation and how it only reminds me of how I'm stuck in my situation. If a young woman like her can ask that, then a decent number of other women feel the same. A male virgin is not something to proud of, it means your tainted as nothing.

Is there anything that could help me cope that I'm never going to have a normal sex life? That it's already downhill and being buried on? A therapist maybe? A sex surrogate? A prostitute? (Though paying for sex will make me feel even worse)

View related questions: co-worker, confidence, depressed, overweight, prostitute, sex life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015):

tell me about it, it didn't help at all that Hollywood made the movie "The 40-year Old Virgin", in which the protagonist was a guy

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015):

Thank you everyone for all the advice. I know I have a lot to work through but I'm still messed up. And I wanted to clarify as I didn't explain well. My coworker and I didn't talk about my experience. She was talking about a guy she was seeing and she found out he was still a virgin. Unbeknownst to her, she didn't know I was in the same situation. (Or maybe she does, I don't know.)

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (3 February 2015):

Frank B Kermit agony auntHey Dude,

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Many men are virgins going into their 20s, 30s 40s and even 50s. I am a dating and relationship coach and work with men in your situation.

I have a free newsletter for you that gives you access to the book I wrote for adult male virgins, as well as a 4 CD audio set, you can download for free.

It has over a years worth of weekly tips.

For starters, paying for sex will not help you. You, like most others in your situation will only feel worse.

Next, this is not a topic of conversation you should be having with people in general, never mind a co-worker.

Your co-worker lacks life experience and compassion. As a young woman, she is on the receiving end of attraction, and may not get that a man has to be proactive to get sex.

Taking rejection personally is only part of the issue.

There is a lot you likely have to offer a potential partner, but take those things about yourself for granted.

It is hard for you to beleive right now, but you are lovable and worthy of a relationship.

Give yourself a chance, and remember that before you take anyone's opinion about you, your opinion about your positive traits take priority.

-Frank Kermit

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015):

Please, please, please STOP thinking that there is someone "wrong" with being a virgin either as a girl OR a guy!

This is coming from a 23 year-old girl who has always been a party animal through out high school AND college! Guys mostly described me as a "tease" but that's their problem! I didn't sleep with anyone because I respected my body and guess what? This little "skinny bitch" party animal "exotic" girl ALSO appreciated guys who were virgins and NEVER said any of the crap that you've been told to a 20 y.o! You see, people who are shocked by your virginity SHOULD BE IRRELEVANT TO YOU!!!

To me, a virgin guy is someone who has either never found his love yet and/or someone who respects himself (AKA doesn't just put his penis in any hole he finds!!! Even though the media wants us to think that this is totally masculine)

Why does the media and our culture encourage extrarelational "sex" so much??? Why can't we just take a quick moment to sit back and realize that "sex" shouldn't JUST be about pleasure and that its main motivation should be love and passion for the person you are having "sex" with. If you have intercourse with an stranger or someone you don't like (FWB, one night stands, etc) and you call it "sex", then wouldn't the act of having intercourse with someone you are in love with have a different name? People have absolutely RUINED this whole idea of "sex" (which should be an intimate intercourse with a beloved, motivated by love and passion) by making it sound like it's just ANY intercourse and if you don't have it then there is something wrong with you!

I think you should realize that you should never lower your standards because of the way the society wants you to think!

Please stop!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (3 February 2015):

chigirl agony auntWho says you are never going to have a normal sex life? It is not so unusual to be a virgin in your 20-ties, so far your sex life is normal.

Focus on getting healthy and losing weight. This will help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015):

Male anonymous is right. Young women are accustomed to being hit on by men constantly, so it's hard for them to fathom why it wouldn't be the same for men. Same goes for the online dating world too. Women's inbox's get bombarded by messages every day, while men can go months without a single reply.

The subject of romantic histories inevitably comes up in conversations. I'm not going to tell you to lie about it, but you don't exactly have to tell the truth either. Playfully saying "a gentleman never kisses and tells" or "I've had other focuses and haven't met the right woman" sounds a lot more confident than shamefully having to admit that women want nothing to do with you. Women tend to run when they hear that you lack romantic experience. They get to thinking that something is probably wrong if no other woman has wanted you. Don't believe me? Hang out with some married guys around your age and see how often they get hit on compared to single guys in the group.

I wish I could say that it gets easier the older you get, but that would b a lie. It helps to keep yourself as busy as you can. You tend to think about it less when you fill your time with school, work, and hobbies.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015):

For the most part young women just do not get what it's like to be a young man. They have this impression that young men normally have access to sex if they want it.

Put yourself in their shoes. Young women get hit on by men CONSTANTLY compared to vice versa. Their focus is on desirable men, naturally. Their whole view of the dating world is shaped by their experiences of having willing partners eveywhere, attractive or not. They simply DO NOT GET IT.

I am not saying this to make you bitter, I am saying this to help you understand how totally inaccurate that comment was. A lot of men are virgins at your age, and many, many MANY more have had very few sex partners. Fewer than a lot of girls your age to be sure. You are not so very abnormal like you think.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 February 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI will tell you the same as I did to a girl who was VERY proud to be a virgin at 23.

VIRGINITY is a social construct. It came with organized religion. It was a way for MEN to control women's sexuality and fertility.

THAT is it. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, no matter WHAT your co-worker said, or what SHE thinks. I would say KEEP focusing on getting healthy. It is WAY more important then being able to say "I'm not a virgin!". There is NOT rules CARVED in stone that YOU will never have a "normal" sex-life because you haven't had sex at 21.

I DO think talking to a therapist could be a good thing. Because you are SO focused on it and you are SEEING yourself as a ? failure? because you haven't had sex.. yet? DEAL with the depression, deal with getting healthy they are WAY more important issues.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015):

Do you have a lifespan of only 30years or something? Why are you writing off your sex life so early?

There are probably more people in your age bracket than you think, that have not had sex yet, I mean they wouldn't tell you would they?! I certainly know a few twentysomethings that have never been near another human being sexually....YET. I think most people want to fit in with what everyone else is 'alledgedy' doing and are ashamed if they aren't living up to the amazing 'big sex life' expectations.

To ne honest, I would be really put off by someone who had been to prostitutes. Whereas a virgin maybe 'hadn't met someone yet' or whatever. That's a lot less weird for me personally.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015):

Honestly, ignore the media, ignore other people and their opinions. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Some day (hopefully soon) you will meet a girl who thinks you ROCK because you are still a virgin. Met my guy and he was still a virgin and at 40 because of acute anxiety and shyness. And he need to lose a lot of weight. I am slim but it has made no difference to our amazing sex life, let me tell you. And the great sex is helping him lose weight. (I waited until I was 20 to lose mine).

Such pressure on young people to lose their virginity. No, no and no. Stop worrying about it, focus on your studies, your hobbies, get out there and socialise and enjoy life because it will happen. Get into a sport, go to a gym, start eating healthy. The classic American diet of burgers, fries and milkshakes will not help you. Learn to cook healthy food (women LOVE men who cook and my man is a great cook), get a haircut. Do good things for you and start looking in the mirror every day and tell yourself "I love you". You are giving out an angry and possibly hostile, desperate vibe. People pick up on this, not just women.

I would not advise visiting a prostitute as you may pick up HPV or worse.

Learn to love yourself. I was obese in my twenties due to a hormones disorder and I felt the same. I was living on rubbish though! Then my brother turned my life around, we went to the gym together every other day, he showed me how to cook good, nutritious food. It's not rocket science.

And if you have a kind, intelligent, caring personality with humour, trust me, that is soooo much more important than having a certain "look".

Be proud of YOU. You are UNIQUE! Now go enjoy life. Before you know it, you'll be pushing 50 with a family and wondering why you worried so much in your younger days, BELIEVE ME!!!

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