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Super Confused!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 February 2015) 2 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2015)
A female Canada age 22-25, *upcakeKhaleesi writes:

Hi,

I'm going to be 21 in a few days,

and when i was 14 i told my mom i wanted to wait until i was married to have sex first, and she was super happy about it, she was telling EVERYONE about it and how she was super happy that i was wanting to wait (My mom is now a single mother and has been for about 5 years now) and she does not believe in marriage anymore.. Sadly..

But i started going out with my current boyfriend about 2 and a half years ago..

We have been talking about getting Married now for a few months maybe 3, Like He's serious about it, he has showed me the ring he is currently paying off,

Well..I'm sure as you're reading this you guessed it We did have sex and it's just so confusing for me,

Me and my mom have been open about a lot of things we talk about everything,

I dont think she would be mad, but i dont know, I hate not telling her things.. But i dont know what to do right now.. i mean i dont feel bad for having sex with him, we talked about it for about a month and he was perfectly fine with waiting for me when i was ready ( He was a Virgin too) and i finally told him i was ready.

I was always told by my youth leader that when someone has sex out of marriage you would feel super bad about it.. but i dont.. is that normal? xD Sorry for the long post, xD He's sleeping now as it's almost 4 Am but i just felt i needed to talk to someone about it and ask this :) Thanks for taking the time and reading this.

P.S me and Him have already talked about what we would do if something 'bad' happens (we were safe but you never know :p ) and he told me that he would stick by me no matter what 3 He's almost 21 too :)

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A female reader, CupcakeKhaleesi Canada +, writes (2 February 2015):

CupcakeKhaleesi is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Honeypie

Thanks Your answer made so much sense 3 Thanks so much!!! Yeah my youth leader is apart of a church, i never thought about it that way, Thanks again :D

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 February 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhat you want at 14 is not always what you want at 21, 31 or 41 and so on.

You, at 14, felt that being a virgin till marriage was what you wanted to do. MAYBE you were influenced by religion, by family, friends or society.

I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot about "virginity" lately, but it SERIOUSLY bothers me that people still in 2015 put so much value into something that ISN'T a REAL thing.

The term virginity was a RELIGIOUS SOCIAL construct, a way to CONTROL women's sexuality and fertility. Women were PROPERTY of first their father, then their husband. HER VALUE was TIED to the fact that NO OTHER man had touched her, so that the HUSBAND didn't "buy a cat in the sack" or had to raise another man's child. HIS bloodline would prevail. Then it got tied into the VALUE of a woman's character. The virgin or the Whore, there was no middle way.

Now I could go on, but I will put away my little soap box.

YOU are YOU, whether you have had sex with your BF or waited till after marriage. YOU are NOT a lesser version, or "weak" for having had sex.

Your "youth leader" I presume is connected with a church? told you that you would FEEL bad for having sex before marriage... Well, because MANY groups (not just religious) think that preaching abstinence is THE right thing to do. So of course having sex would be "bad". Shaming young GIRLS (especially) into thinking sex is "bad" is a WAY to control them. And it's sad. It's like many American schools that DOESN'T want to teach safe sex to students, because they think if you TEACH them, they will instantly go out and have sex. So abstinence is taught instead...

I think the REASON you don't FEEL bad, is because wile you DID have sex, you ALSO waited till you had found someone you DEEPLY care about to have SEX with, and thus.. it FEELS right, not "bad".

Talk to your mom. GET on birth control. There is no need NOT to. And keep using condoms. But better... USE both.

YOU did nothing "wrong". You had SEX with someone you love and care for.

YOUR value as a person, a human being HAS NOTHING to do with your level of sexual experience. Whether you NEVER had sex or had had it with MANY guys. YOU (a general you) can BE a GOOD person, a GREAT role model, a wonderful part of society, regardless of your level of sexual experience.

YOU need to put the value of YOU into WHO you are.

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