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Why can't I be alone?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 June 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

How can I feel comfortable with myself alone? I have a problem being alone and I have tried to do things alone and I just dread the weekend because I'm alone with my thoughts- I've had this feeling since I was ten and it always gotten me in trouble because it leads me to bad people. Basically I never stay home I'm always out - it doesn't matter who or what I just want to be out and chasing something so I don't deal with being alone. Why is this? nothing makes me happy - drugs - men - random friendships- the only thing that stops this feeling is going out and being around people - I'm truly unhappy inside and I feel like I can't over come this unhappiness - it's always been relying on men so when I don't have them I act like a lunatic and go out non stop

Is this normal and how has anyone ever overcome this?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

Get antidepressants from the doctor if depression is driving you into doing stupid things!

Being alone is not the torment you make it out to be!

In fact being alone is a necessary part of life!

Imagine if we had to drag someone with us every time needed to do something simple or useful.

If you are at home in your flat it is not the same as being in an isolation unit.

It is your dwelling where you can sleep and bathe and listen to music and so on.

Most people dont take it as a personal insult to be in their own home alone!

It can be peaceful and safe if there is a decent lock on the door.

But you say you cant stay home and you need to be out constantly rather like a homeless person who is forced to walk the streets all day?

Or maybe you are just sociable and some thing inside you is ticking on at you telling you to get out and meet people?

Surely your could find a job that allows a lot of human interaction.

Even working on a till means speaking to people all day as well as colleagues so why not look at retail and put your gregariousnous to good use.

Plus you get varied shifts so two weeks would never be the same!

Being alone is one thing but dealing with recurringly unhappy thoughts is another thing entirely!

Personal talking therapy usually helps you discover strategies to deal with this and is available by speaking to your doctor!

Im not sure which kind of loneliness it is but if you need physical company then keeping an animal at home is a very pleasant thing to do, not least because you have to think of the animal such as the cat or the dog because animals have their moods and habits too.

If you learn about the spiritual side of things you will realise that you are never trully alone as the spirits of others walk with you at all times.

But you dont need to be overly religious to understand this.

You just need to see that you are a small force connected to the c

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (16 June 2017):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntI understand how you feel. I behave in pretty much the same way and more often than not, it led me to do some pretty stupid things.

There are some things that really help, but I don't have a solution that'll get rid of that feeling completely. There's a philosopher that helped-- Alan Watts. You can find little snippets of his speeches on Youtube. They really helped to shift my perspective, if only briefly. Those brief moments were enough to last me a while though. You can try that.

If that's not really your thing, I can suggest writing or recording. It doesn't have to be for anyone (although that can help), it's just so you have an outlet for all those thoughts. Letting it out helps me feel less alone.

The thing that worked best for me is self-improvement. I wanted to change and become better in every way. I wanted to make money so I started planning, budgeting, looking for ways to do so while doing what I love. It helped but, not as much as I'd hoped. Then I realised that I didn't appear to people as I wanted to appear, so I started working on myself, learning to exude confidence and charisma. It helped but again, not as much as I'd hoped. But I kept at it and eventually I started feeling better.

Happiness is hard work and as far as I've seen, there's no single way to get there. You're going to have to struggle against those thoughts for a while but you have to keep going. Try thought-stopping which sounds silly, I know, but it really works. You just have to keep at it. When you find those negative thoughts, ask yourself if they're helping you in any way. They probably aren't. In which case, you force yourself to stop, force yourself to move on to other, more productive thoughts...if that makes sense.

I hope that helps.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Then volunteer your time to help people in need. There are dozens of organizations and charities that need people to help those in need, or victims of catastrophe.

Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is being ungrateful for your gift of life. Complaining is a total disregard for the blessings that you have, that others wish they had. You haven't taken time to look around you and realize what advantages life has given you, that others have lost or has always needed.

Most unhappiness comes from the lack of thankfulness and gratitude that you're alive, healthy, and able to take care of yourself. The problem is, you spend too much time complaining and finding fault in everything. The lack of a purpose leaves us unfulfilled and amplifies our loneliness.

Often this is a call to do something good!

Find a purpose, put your time to good use. Help others, show kindness, and make life better for the less fortunate. There are many rewards in doing that.

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A female reader, liveasyoudream Netherlands +, writes (16 June 2017):

Dear OP,

I think that not being able to be alone is tied together with this one: "I'm truly unhappy inside".

You seem to find distractions and avoidance in order to not feel - it's something I recognize because I used to do the same, and sometimes still do.

I think you already know: it's time to work on yourself, get to know yourself, love yourself. It's a lifetime of work, and it asks for energy and effort. It's also the most rewarding and crucial thing you'll ever do, in my opinion.

Be kind to yourself, and figure out a way to do this that fits you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, you've posted several times about past friends, dodgy exes, your materialistic past and the overall unhappiness. It's okay to come here, but you need therapy in person.

You don't take our advice and you need someone in person to tell you the same.

You need to volunteer and do something useful with your time, not waste it going out without achieving anything. It's empty time. Empty time gets filled with your misery.

OP, you can keep coming back, but you're wasting everybody's time (especially yours) if you don't get proper help and listen to the advice we give. You need help, OP.

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