A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been through a horrible two years with my husband who developed dementia and now is in a nursing home. We have had a very happy marraige and I miss him so much and have so much guilt about him being where he is although he is well cared for and it was so difficult to cope at home. I feel that I have grieved for him for so long and although I still care for and love him was shocked at my feelings for a person I have recently met who asked me out for a drink, I declined as it didn't feel right but now feel that perhaps I should have taken a chance as what are the odds on meeting someone of my age with such similar interests and I fancied him, I havn't fancied anyone in years. Then theres the problem of the fact I haven't dated in years and all the agnts that goes with that and the guilt. Should I go for a drink with him or will I just end up feeling wretched or is it aceptable to move on despite the circumstances. I am only 51 he is aware of my husbands situation and isn't putting any pressure on but obviously is attracted to me (unless he's like that with every woman he meets) I certainly dont want anything serious or heavy I'm far too independent for that but feel I need some fun and distraction in my life, is this so wrong, is it unkind to my husband and to this man or even to my self.........confused.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (6 April 2011):
I think the answer to your question lies in the what would you expect him to do given the roles were reversed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): A lot of Aunts have condoned a relationship with another man. But pure and simple it means that you want to cheat!So instead of cheating with another man divorce your hb. This is the RESPECT that u need to bestow upon him. Not a cheating spouse who just does her duty once a week in a nursing home.If the tables were turned surely u would want respect and kindness as well?If you want to maintain your honour then u know what needs to be done.You know that this 'date' will not be so innocent after all-not 'friendship' but cheating with another man.I know I am being hard here but you need to also understand this: if u want to become a cheating wife with no morals then u will start accepting dates BUT if you want to maintain your dignity, you need to sign those legal papers before you stray.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Drinks are not wrong
Friends are not wrong.
Humans are NOT meant to be alone....
Somewhere a year or so ago here in the states I saw a news piece about a man who's wife was a famoous newcaster who now has dementia. He found "a lady friend" and they BOTH go to visit his wife weekly... but he is having a full relatioship with his lady friend as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Is it wrong? In a word... No...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 April 2011):
 I think you should let the man take you out. You are in a difficult situation but I still think you should do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): You can have friends all you want. Just remember your marriage vows state that you pledge to be faithful to your husband until either you or he dies or you divorce.
Whether he has dementia or not is completely irrelevant. His heart and body still work just fine. If he was not suffering dementia and simply had a hand that didn't work... would you feel the same way because part of him wasn't there anymore?
Go out. Have your drinks. Flirt your arse off. But don't ever, whilst you are still married, let it go beyond friendship and flirtacious banter or else you will be just another cheating hussy.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I am a physician and take care of many demented patients and their spouses as well. I've done this for a long time.This is a disease process that destroys the person that you love, bit by bit, and if it goes on for a few years without them dying from some other cause, they are no longer there, only a shell remains. Yes, you loved that person, and the shell reminds you of them, but "they" are not there.My advice to all spouses caught in this situation is the same, get yourself companionship, respectful loving companionship that regards you highly and means something, not just a random sex partner, not just a "fling".Also, my advice to all spouses who see their demented spouse holding hands lovingly with another demented patient in a facility (happens all the time), is to be happy that they get some comfort from someone, even if that someone is just a figment of their damaged mind.Flings, or non respectful relationships of any nature, bring upon guilt and self loathing in these situations, and often have long term negative repercussions.Also, if you have children, set them down and talk to them about your feelings, what has happened to you and your spouse, and about the fact that you need and want companionship. Do this before you have that new companion, well before, don't "spring it" on them after the fact. Children of all ages from 20 up to 80 frequently have a difficult time with this, they just don't understand.Make sure that you aren't just a lonely person being used by the other person as well, make sure that you mean something to them. If it is a good relationship, it will mean that you are actually able to be more "there" for the person who you are losing, that you were before. I know, I've seen it over and over, where the newly found love (the person them self) helps with the psychological trauma that the person who is losing their loves one deals with and it helps them be stronger and better for that person.Life is for living.Remember, life, not death, and love not fear, is truly the end of all things.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Great advice from TEM. I suspect that years ago if you'd ask your husband this hypothetical question he would have told you that he would hope that you would go on with your life and seek companionship and the warmth of a relationship. Dementia is a difficult thing for the spouse, as our loved one is physically there, but is not mentally there. We can see them, hold them and love on them, but they usually can't comprehend the situation, and many times even recall who we are. It is difficult at best on a good day.Take your time, but you're right you are young, and deserve to have some companionship at whatever level you decide.Take care, and take care of yourself!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Good advice from TEM!And yes, I too add that I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your husband having to be in a nursing home.......you have certainly been (are) a devoted and caring wife........
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (4 April 2011):
 First, let me say I am sorry about your husband. That had to be tough to deal with. It sounds like you took care of him well until you couldn't anymore. You've been a good partner.As for your question, you know no one can give you a pass on this but yourself. Many people can tell you what they would do, but you have to do what is right for you. You are the only one that has to live with your conscience. My opinion, however is that yes, you do deserve a little fun in your life after what you have been through. It doesn't sound like you are ready for a romantic relationship yet. However, it must be nice to feel that you fancy someone after so long, and 51 not too old.You might tell this gentleman that while you are not interested in a serious relationship, a friendship would be great. Keep it light and fun. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with. If he's a quality guy he will understand where you are coming from.Good luck!
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