A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Tricky and possibly a bit of a controversial situation here. Keeping it as short as possible. I love my ex girlfriend, Im 24, shes 15 (age of consent in Sweden = 15 so relax). Anyways she broke up with me almost 2 months ago, as she is too scared to tell her parents about me. It was really hard for us to meet due to our relationship being a secret. We still talk together almost like before just that we can't be together. We have identical humor and enjoy the same things.Her birthday is coming up and I want to do something special for her and possibly win her back. I want to send flowers and a present to her house which will, if everything goes as planned, get her parents suspicious and ask her who they are from. I'll write a card asking her to go out with me again. I'm hoping she will be forced to tell them about me, and it can either end happily or not. Not to brag but I'm a really nice and successful guy in almost every aspect of life so I'm not an average guy which would have been rejected by parents. I really believe they would love me if they gave me a chance to see what I'm like.I'd like to hear opinions about if this is a good idea, or if anyone has a better idea (leaving her is not an option). I will either lose her forever, or things will work out. Would flowers be too much for such a young girl? She is a very special girl to me, I truly love her and shes usually lonely so I really want to be able to hang out with her freely. Have been feeling terrible after we broke up and I really want her back. Thanks.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, flowers, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): Hi,
Still there? I hope things are alright between the two of you.
Speak with her.
Is she strong enough to confront things with you?
You obviously care for each other.
...hm. Well, sometimes, forcing things to become an issue is right, but it should be considered carefully.
Maybe it is the best option you have access to at the moment.
Let us know how it goes, or if you need more advice.
Hopefully wise caring folk will see. :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): I think if she split up with you then it was for a reason and she was obviously sure it was what she wanted to do. What makes you think she wants to date you again now? Has she told you she may consider giving things another go? Or is this idea a "romantic sweep her off her feet kind of thing and she won't be able to resist me"? Because it won't make her love you if she doesn't! Regardless anyway if the age difference is legal, I personally think its immoral because people aren't an adult until they reach 18 and so she is still considered a child. And at 15 I couldn't expect her to know what she wants and/or expect her to want to be tied down In a relationship so young when she has her whole life ahead of her. If you're a successful person and have made something of your life and are ready to settle down then maybe you should release her to shape her life and become an adult, and you find someone closer to your own age who wants what you want. And "Losing her is not an option" are you implying you're going to chase/stalk her for the rest of her life? It doesn't sound healthy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 OP, we are not making fun of you at all. We've all had the over the top obsessive feelings you have.
The problem is when I read your last post it's all
I want
I, I, I!
and as someone wisely said LOVE is about THEM THEM THEM and what THEY want.
SHE wants to be without you. IF you truly loved her you would let her go... in fact, true love means that if there was another boy she wanted (closer to her age and more appropriate for her now) that you would do everything in your power to get that boy for her... because you love her.
yes that hurts, but it's true love.
IF you are all about having her for YOU and you alone then you have an unhealthy obsession and you need to seek professional help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Echo85  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 No one is making fun of you. We are only trying to explain how inappropriate your behaviour is. You are talking about her like she is an adult but trying to control her and make decisions for her like she is a child.
Her breaking it off with you showed maturity and you should try to show some too by respecting her wishes.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 OP no one is making fun of you. I realize that you are in pain and you feel you cant help it, but please try and think about it rationally for one second. You are behaving like an obsessed lover. This is not right, either for you or for her.
You cannot make decisions for her,
You CANNOT get her to love you again
You have to stop thinking that her happiness is with you, because you dont know that, that's just what you want to believe.
OP hard as it is, you need to get over her because the way this thing is being played out is not right. She's way too young, your attitude towards her is unhealthy and overall its not right, neither for you, nor foe her.
OP if you really love her, please let her go and make her own decisions. If she feels somewhere down the line that she loves you, she will come back to you. But allow her to breathe and make that decision for herself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): The age gap is a problem now but in few years it may not be. My husband is 14 years older than me. He asked me to marry him when I was 18 I didn’t accept that because I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even know what I want from my life. I didn’t promise him anything and I wasn’t in a relationship with him but he waited for me. I agreed to marry him when I was 26 years old, done with the university and everything and I came to a point that I realized he is the right guy for me to marry with. It was 9 years ago we are happily married and we have a beautiful child together. It worked for my husband but it may not work for you, who know! She is very young and you cannot count on anything now. You should leave her alone if you want to wait it is up to you, give her few years until she turns 18, its hard I know but you don’t have any other option now. Time is the best cure, either you can forget her and move on or you can have her………..Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2012):
 I'm not making fun of you. But you are the adult here and all you have in your question is what sounds like children's' arguments:
*I want her to be happy with me
*I want her to love me again.
*I can't let go of her, maybe its a psychological issue.
*I have not met anyone like her before.
*I can't cope with the feeling that shes not mine anymore.
Someone who had another person's well-being as their primary goal would want what is best for the other person. You seem to be all about yourself. Sorry, but maybe there's a reason you are so transfixed by a 15 year old. You may not be mature enough to deal with a woman your own age.
Let her go. Let her be an adult.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 May 2012):
 OP, I think the point that everyone is trying to make is that you are both at very different stages of life.
Think back to when you were 15 - where were you in life, what were you doing, how did you think, what did you want from life?
Now think about everything you have done and achieved SINCE you were 15 - exams, degree, work, social, professional..... what have you done and how have you changed??
You are expecting a 15 year old girl to be in the same place mentally, physically and emotionally as you are now -as a 24 year old man.
Do you want her to miss out on all those things?
OP, whether you want to admit it or not, even tho she may be of legal age to have sex, at 15, she is still A CHILD.
Every woman on this board will tell you that at 15, they were still silly little girls. It is only the 15 year olds who think they are 'mature' and more 'grown' up than anyone else was at that age. They are very good at bluffing. Emotionally they are NOT ready for an adult relationship - but that is NORMAL, because they are NOT adults.
You want an adult relationship.
She is a child.
She cannot drink until she is 18.
She cannot drive until she is 18
She cannot marry without parental consent until she is 18
She will not graduate from high school until she is 19.
By the time she has finished all these, you will be 27/28 years old. Do you honestly think that is a good thing?
From your follow up it sounds as if you have a mild obsession with this child. That is actually quite worrying and I do feel that you need to distance yourself from her, and perhaps even go and talk to someone about this.
"I can't cope with the feeling that shes not mine anymore"
This is giving out warning bells - it is NOT healthy.
You had a secret relationship, she was never 'yours' as the relationship was not out in the open.
You need to break contact and move on. Find people your own age to socialise with, and let this girl get on with her life. She has got a lot of growing up to do, and you are in danger of damaging her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): I really appreciate the replies, and seems like everyone agrees its a bad idea. The thing is that I have really fallen for her, I've tried to break contact, it does NOT work. I want her to be happy with me, I want her to love me again. I can't let go of her, maybe its a psychological issue. I have not met anyone like her before.
I can't cope with the feeling that shes not mine anymore. I'm crying as I'm writing this. How can I accept this? No one can help me get over her. I just want her back so badly. Please don't make fun of me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 May 2012):
You basically want to arm twist her into spilling the beans. One way or another, you want the parents to know because you think you have a stronger chance with her if her parents get to know you.
You know what, legal or not, 15 is way too young. She is 9 years younger to you, that's a LOT. She's not old enough to handle a relationship the way you want her to, because her level of maturity and way of thinking is very different from yours. Don't force her to grow up before her time. Just because you want her doesn't mean that you make life miserable for her. If she really wanted to be with you, she would have, and the fact that she's made her choice should be enough for you. Maybe its her way of opting out, by using her parents as an excuse...what the hell, I still do it to get out of tricky situations. "My mom will never approve and I cant go against her" works every time.
Its not a good idea to make things difficult for her in any way. Don't force her into anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2012):
 This is going to end badly .
If she never wanted to tell her parents, she must have had her own good reasons.
One of it being that not anything that's legal is also necessarily right. It only means that you can't go to jail for that, not that parents should be overjoyed.
My niece is nearly 15, and if in a few months a nice successful 24 year old MAN should show up at her door , demanding to be able to hang out with her freely... I suspect her dad would greet him firing a shotgun at him :)... and he is a Swiss guy, so pacifist by nature, lol.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2012):
I agree with Honeypie... forcing her to do something she does not want to do does not sound like a good way to proceed.
She's 15 and although that may be beyond the age of consent in your country... at 15 she's really still very much a child...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): 15 may be legal but she is in a different level of maturity to you, she is still very much a child and I think you must respect that it she's not ready to tell her parents then she is not ready. Sending flowers to cause suspicion is a little selfish, without wanting to sound harsh it could be seen as quite manipulative of you. By sending flowers and forcing her to approach the subject with her parents is manipulating a situation to your advantage and totally inappropriate.
You being mid 20's have probably lived quite a lot and experienced life and I imagine you feel ready to settle down with someone. She hasn't even reached the prime of her youth and tieing herself down to someone older she may miss out on a lot her peers are doing. I think if you love this girl you will respect she has a lot of growing up to do and to be in a proper relationship it would be best if you met someone who no longer needs parents permission to date.
Give her space and respect her wishes, you're broken up let her get over it in her own time. She is young and you need to be the responsible one here and slowly stop the constant phone calls because she will isolate herself if she feels you are the ony person she's got to talk to. Let her find comfort in her friends, it will be hard but it is the fairest thing to do.
If I were 15 and with a 24 year old my parents would have gone mad, it wouldn't matter if you were the future king an age gap like that can only seem inappropriate to any parent.
Best wishes
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 May 2012):
 I don't think trying to FORCE her to tell her parents will make her want to date you again.
Honey, she ISN'T ready to tell her parents, she isn't READY to date.
I suggest you either wait til she FEELS ready or try dating someone closer to your own age, who are READY to date.
So all in all BAD idea, IMHO.
You could send her a sweet card, but don't try and force her to do/say anything she isn't ready to handle.
...............................
|
