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Why would he say he isn't right for me, yet I'm right for him but he still doesn't want a relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Crushes, Flirting, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 August 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 20 August 2017)
A female South Africa age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Please be patient as I outline my story. We were good friends and disclosed our feelings for each other a few months after re-establishing contact. He's been supportive of me from the beginning, and we have always playfully flirted. There was instant chemistry. We'd initially decided to stay friends, despite our mutual feelings however I couldn't stand the thought of him with someone else and tried to end our friendship. He wouldn't let go. He assured me that our friendship will always be a priority over any relationship and he didn't want to lose me.

Then he eventually met a girl, and being heartbroken I abruptly ended our friendship and moved on. I got a guy, but he didn't treat me right. Meanwhile, his romantic interest didn't progress as planned and we again met up. The chemistry that was always there remained. We flirted a lot that day, he continuously hugged me or "just held me" and he offered his support as I planned to end the relationship with my ex. When I was leaving, he interlocked his fingers with mine and told me we'd consider being together when I am single. He tried to kiss me, but I rejected his advances. I told him later on the phone that I don't want him to move on, and he told me he isn't going anywhere.

A week later I told him I'd ended my relationship, and we continued our contact. He was supportive, and sent me text messages daily, however appeared to avoid the topic of our feelings. I was confused and sought clarity, to which he replied he was a bit overwhelmed with it all happening so quickly, however his feelings towards me remain. He also told me he is having some downtime. I respected that and let him be.

The following week he invites me to his place. He was trying to impress me, for example he tidied the place up and even asked me about the finer details of my break up. He listened intently as we lay in his bed (non-sexual) and he lovingly played with my hands, held my arm, he tickled me and we cuddled almost all day. He did not make any moves on me. He even kept asking me if I was "ok". I felt that he genuinely cared about me. By this stage, he knew I was a reserved girl with self-respect and I have a successful career. I rarely consume alcohol, and I don't sleep with just anyone. He, on the other hand has had multiple sex partners, he drinks alcohol daily, he swears excessively (even at times calling me a d-head to my disgust and telling me he's teasing me) but deep down he's a kind-hearted person. He even told me he's been talking about me to friends.

When I left his place that day, he almost kissed me but whispered "not yet". He hugged me numerous times and kissed me on my forehead. This was not out of the ordinary. A few days later, I hadn't heard from him and questioned him directly about where I stand. He replies telling me that we are great friends, but he doesn't think he is right for me. Like he is afraid he will corrupt me or something, yet he knows I'm right for him? He also said he doesn't want to be a rebound and he didn't intend to string me along. I tried to reassure him but eventually gave up, telling him to move on because we can not go back to being just friends. That was almost a week ago and I haven't heard from him since.

I just don't understand a number of things. Why would he tell me he values me as such a good / close friend, refuse to end our friendship at any cost yet he was willing to string me along and let me go in the end anyway? Why would he say he isn't right for me, yet I'm right for him but he still doesn't want a relationship? What does it mean that he doesn't want to corrupt me? Any other thoughts?

View related questions: flirt, heartbroken, move on, my ex, teasing, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 August 2017):

It happens sometimes that you get along, have a lot in-common, even feel sexually-attracted; but the chemistry may not be as strong for the other person as it is for you. He broke-up with someone; and he also knew you had recently done the same. He needs a period of downtime to get-over his last relationship; and probably needed a friend to get him through a rough-period. Just a friend.

I was dumped a few years ago after having what I thought was the greatest time of my life; after my partner of several years died of cancer. A great guy came along, and he swept me off my feet. Before he came along; I had been celibate for a long-time. I was basically shut-off and unavailable for romantic-connections. He somehow penetrated my walls and we had a wonderful ten-month "whatever it was." He says he was my boyfriend; and I grew deep-feelings. Then suddenly, he grew distant. I had even discovered some very unsettling things about him; but I wanted to just overlook them, because I had fallen for him.

One-day, out of the blue; he blindsided me and broke-up. He said I deserved better. Maybe there was something he didn't want me to know about him. He spent a lot of money; perhaps he had some shady financial deals going on; and he knew I was squeaky-clean and strict to my values.

We never fought, rarely disagreed on anything; and had a very good time together. I guess he realized he should let me go, and cared enough to let me go. Maybe he feared I would find-out things about him he knew I would not accept. I had no choice but to let go. I was devastated. A month after we met, I found some very strange pictures and weird correspondence in his glove-box. He seemed involved with some odd cult or club. I pretended to never have seen them. It did cause me some concern. I did not read the letters. Let's say I really didn't want to know.

I think you should cut all ties for good. I had to make that decision; so I could get on with my life. When people change without a clear explanation; I think it's best to take it for what it is. Not try to figure it out or force it.

There may be things about him or something he holds secret he'd rather you not know. Just stop clinging when someone lets go. I found a wonderful guy a couple years later, who I am now with. I can truly testify and affirm I did better; and I guess he was right.

Don't torture yourself with questions. Take his explanation and move on. He gave you his reasons, accept them. You have no other choice. I did. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have met this man I have now. Destiny can abruptly change our lives in a split-second. Don't worry about what he means. Just let him go. Stop letting him play around with your feelings. If a guy says he isn't right for you, take his word for it. Sometimes it's best not to find out why.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (20 August 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntThe long and short of it is that he's just not that into you. If he were, he wouldn't be dilly dallying this way. If a guy wants to be with you then nothing or no one can stop him. He will do everything and I mean every single thing that he can, to make it happen immediately. He will not drag it out to make you wait or dish out excuses like you're great for him but he's not for you. Oh please. What's stopping him?

Don't waste any more time here. Move on

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States +, writes (20 August 2017):

He is saying that because he does not want a relationship w/you and is letting you down easy. I have experienced guys telling me the same thing and learned that when excuses come out, he doesn't want to be w/you.

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