A
male
age
41-50,
*elpless n lost
writes:Please help. My girlfriend and i have a young baby, my girlfriend thinks my mum hasn't made enough effort in coming to see us and the baby (which maybe she hasn't but my gf hasn't made her feel welcome lately). Also my mum is depressed at the moment, my gf doesn't understand. She thinks if she can go and see my neice then she can come and see us. Although my sister and neice live round the corner. (we only live one bus ride away). She has banned my mum from seeing the baby, and now my mum has told me that my gf has won and she doesn't want to see me now. I love my mum and my gf. If i force the issue with my gf (and take my baby there anyway) i think that will be the end of us. which is the last thing i want. i feel like running away and leaving them all to it.
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female
reader, jc82  +, writes (23 March 2010):
 Let them know this is the opposite of making amends! They might not realize how much ground they have lost by getting their feathers all ruffled again, over a minor meeting in the street. I really do think that having your mom make some kind of apology for not visiting is the only way your girlfriend will be appeased. It sounds like she was incredibly hurt, and now its a matter of hurt feelings and pride. After that, hopefully, your girlfriend will realize her own errors and be able to be more gracious and understanding with your mom (and apologize for using her child in this way).
Your role in this can only be one of trying to calm them down, and always hoping they will start to act right. If you are truly fed up with it, tell both of them you don't want to talk about it with either of them anymore. Remove yourself from the middle by refusing to listen to them complain, and refusing to play the go-between. Since this fight is probably more about you than anything else, that might actually diffuse some of their anger, and make them behave. They both crave your attention, and probably both want to feel like you are on "their side", maybe when you talk about it with them they feel they are getting something positive from the fight. Perhaps the best thing you can do is be as neutral as possible, and honestly refuse to discuss it with both of them. This would remove some of the more "fun" parts of the drama of the situation. Also, it would make your life a lot simpler and more peaceful!
And also, when you spend time alone with your child, I think you should feel free to meet your mother somewhere and let her visit with the baby. If you feel guilty about it, tell your girlfriend that while you will agree not to have your mom over to the house, she can't stop you from meeting elsewhere, and its your child too. I truly don't think you have to tell your girlfriend anything though. She put you in a terrible position, and its not like you're doing anything wrong by visiting with your mother. She wouldn't need to know. Although, I think you shouldn't do this too often, as every time you visit with your mother she will get that "I'm winning" satisfaction, and have less motivation to make up with your girlfriend. Just do it as often as YOU want.
Best of luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): Take the baby to visit your mom, every few days...or whenever you want, and don't let your g/f stand in your way. She might try to stop your mom from doing what she wants, but she can't stop you from doing what you want, and you have every right to take your baby to your mom's house. Make sure your mom has the necessary baby stuff there, so you're not stuck with how to put baby to bed or change it's diapers, feed it, etc. You just have to leave a little note on the table when your g/f isn't around, saying you took baby to visit your mom. If she comes and starts anything at your mom's house, your mom has the authority to decide whether your g/f is causing trouble or not and can even call the police on her and they'll remove her. The police will know that you're harmlessly visiting your mom and wanted her to see the baby..so do that, and don't worry about your g/f. If you split from your g/f, she'll have to allow you visiting rights as much as she has, especially if she goes too far with the law.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 March 2010):
 By protocol , the DIL should 'kowtow' (bow) before the MIL (The Dowager). This works in most culture.
She should do it out of respect for you and your mother.
Your wife is too strong willed , dominant and controlling .She is the younger one and she should give way to your mother.
You will need to be the man in the house and tell her what she ought to do and be prepared for the consequences.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (22 March 2010):
 Clearly you are afraid of the women in your life and they are going to continue to manipulate you and put you in the middle of things until you make it clear to both of them that you have no interest in getting involved in their squabbles. Stop playing both sides and trying to appease them, because they are both hell-bent on disliking one another. It's not right that your girlfriend is using the baby as leverage in this fight. It's actually rather disgusting that an adult would use a baby as a form of blackmail.
You have to put your foot down and tell both women that they don't have to like one another, but their immaturity is punishing the baby. Stand up not for your girlfriend or your mother, but your child. It's not fair that the baby won't have an opportunity to bond with her grandmother; years from now she is going to grow up feeling that granny favors your sister's kids over her and it will be your fault for not putting an end to this foolishness NOW.
They need to grow up, let go of past offenses, and move forward. Unfortunately, they are not going to do this until you make it clear that you will not tolerate their childish behavior any longer.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 March 2010):
As a mother of a son I am shocked that your girlfriend wants your mother to submit to her and is using your baby as punishment knowing how terrible it is for her. Why are you so afraid of your girlfriend??? This is so unnatural. How can you allow the woman who carried you for 9 months, loved you, raised you and nursed you and wiped your snotty nose and soiled butt to be denied access to your own child; denied access by a woman you have known only for a couple of years and now everything she says takes precedence over both you and your mother's feelings??? I am not saying your mother is right, but you have to stop being a wuss and stand up to your girlfriend and make a decision like a man. I also had problems with my former mother in law. She accused me of sleeping with another man and even suggested that my child might not be her son's. Despite all this, I never for a moment suggested that my X can't show our child to her. I was angry and raged but I truly loved my X at the time and for his sake, I put my pride and hurt aside. Your girlfriend refusing to show the baby to your mother indicates that she has no respect for YOU and she does not love you. If she really cared about you then she would make an effort for you. She knows this hurts you so why does she do it? You need to confront her and if it means she throws you out just tell her you are not going anywhere. Why are you so afraid??? What will she do to you if you tell her NO?? Be a man. Come on now!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 March 2010):
 If they don't want to see each other then fine and dandy. But I still thinks YOU should bring the baby around to see her grandmother. It's your daughter as well. Man up and leave these silly women to their petty squabbles.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 March 2010):
Just leave them alone and allow nature to take it's course. You should not precipitate a head on because it might worsen the situation beyond repair.
Pray to God daily for a miracle .Be more patient .
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A
male
reader, helpless n lost +, writes (22 March 2010):
helpless n lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate..... Well finally got my mum to admit she could of done more. My Gf said she would think about letting her see the baby, once she makes amends, which could take awhile. Mum was happy with this. Everything seemed to be going ok!!!!! They saw each other today in the street, within a min of them seeing each other they both rung me to complain that each one ignored the other. Now my Gf said that's it she's NOT seeing the baby ever again. My mum said i'm out of order & should fight her corner, which i have but she's not helping my @ all.
Really stuck as what to do.....
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (12 March 2010):
Both your girlfriend and your mother are wrong. How could your gf ban your mother from seeing your baby?? I think you should possibly warn your gf that if your mum can't see the baby then her mum can't either. Your mum obviously doesn't come around as much because your gf is so nasty. This is probably something that's been going on for a long time. My advice would be, you pick up your girlfriend and take her to your mothers'. (or mother to your place). Then you tell them you would like to tell them both that this feud is making your life miserable. You love your mother and your love your gf but you love your baby too and the baby is most important. Tell them that for you and the baby's sake you want them to tell each other directly what the problem is instead of using you as a mediator. Then tell them nobody is getting out of the house until they resolve their beef. Then leave the room and sit outside the main door. Hopefully this will get them to at least agree that the baby is more important. Also talk to your gf's mother for advice; maybe she will know some sense into her.
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (11 March 2010):
 give it time its not fair what your girlfriend or your mum is doing your mum will come round in time shes your mum at the end of the day but your girlfriend shouldnt be stopping your mum from seeing your child its both your child and im sure she wouldnt be happy if you told her someone close to her couldnt see your child you need to explain to your gf that your mum is suffering with depression and isnt thinking straight and that it is both your child and you feel like she is being unfair by not allowing your mum to see the baby ask her how would she feel if the situation was the other way around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Your mother is out of line here.
Having a child is a very stressful period of your girlfriends's life and your mother should know better.
She (your mother) is playing the victim game and is trying to manipulate you into paying her attention.
Sit your mum down and tell her kindly but firmly that you are a grown man with a family and responsibilities - your child and your girlfriend comes first.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Such thing happen, particularly in 'husband's life. Both female, the wife and the mother, see each other as rival. I had the impression that such thing happen in India only, but after reading many posts of similar type in this site, I conclude that it is normal occurrence. Best way under such condition is to keep silence for some time. Time will solved such issues. There is nothing danger in such event, is also true, so be patient, is the only reasonable way, argument will not work, so better to forget, as if nothing happen.
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female
reader, jc82 +, writes (11 March 2010):
I don't think that your girlfriend was completely wrong, based on the way you said your mom reacted to being banned from seeing the baby, it sounds like she was playing games with your gf, and maybe she is not really happy that you are grown up and with someone. Saying your girlfriend "won" makes your mom the victim, and the fact that she won't even see YOU now is kind of manipulative. She's trying to use you, to make your girlfriend back off, and its not very straightforward or thoughtful, it just makes things worse. I know my mom has never liked a single one of my brother's girlfriends, and thank God there are no kids involved yet, because it I'm sure she'll be passive aggressive and difficult for them at first. I love my mom, but no one is perfect!
That being said, both of them are grossly over-reacting. You admitted yourself that your mom hasn't seen the baby that much, so, get your mom to admit it too, and have her give your gf a call or send a note apologizing for not visiting more often, and trying to make amends. I'm betting that your gf would have no choice but to change her mind after something like that. Don't let your mom pressure or manipulate you. This is between the two of them, let it stay there. Yes, your girlfriend is hurt and keeping the baby from its grandmother is kind of absurd, but no one is going to be permanently damaged by it. If I were you, I would give them both time, and encourage them both to apologize a bit. Don't let either of them pressure you into making the situation worse, and if you want to sneak the baby off to see its grandmother, don't tell your gf. She's being ridiculous and she doesn't need to know! Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 March 2010):
The fact that your mother wasn't even up for the fight proves how depressed she is. Your girlfriend is truly out of line. I have half the mind to tell you to take the baby to your mother's and stick it to your girlfriend. That said, that's not the best idea. I think you'll have to give both women time to cool off for a while. Your girlfriend is just being silly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): This is very tough for you. You are caught in the middle of warring women, which is never an enviable place to be, and it sounds like you're not the type of guy who enjoys conflict. Running away, however, is not a solution. You need to stand up to this situation and try to engage with it in order to resolve it.
First things first: do NOT attempt to take the baby to your mother's house without your girlfriend's permission. That would be both unwise and unfair, and will lead to more arguments and mistrust and less understanding. Instead, the main thing you need to do is to open the lines of communication with each woman individually. The main thing you want to stress in each conversation is how much you understand their position. The last thing you want is for either of these women to get defensive, because you are looking for movement and compromise, and defensiveness will just polarize them further into their warring camps. The way to avoid defensiveness is empathy, empathy, empathy.
Firstly, your girlfriend. Tell her that you love her, and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. It's important that she knows that this is the basis you are working from. Then move on to explain that, since you see this as a longterm relationship, you would like her to feel a part of your family. Praise all the efforts she has made as a new mum, and make it clear that you realize that your mother hasn't been supportive at this delicate time (you don't have to do this in a blame-driven way). Tell her you're worried for her, you recognize that life is very hard for her and you want things to improve, and that you see good family relations as key to this. Explain that you're not seeking to override her very just resentment at your mother, but simply looking to the future and seeking to build better relationships. All the way through this conversation, you need to stress that you are a TEAM: it's you and her solving a problem (your mother) together, for mutual benefit.
Then, if she seems receptive, talk to her about depression. Do a bit of research beforehand, and maybe get some leaflets from a charity like Mind. Explain that your mother can't really help her behaviour at the moment, but that she is taking steps to improve and get help. (If necessary stress that this still doesn't make it OK, but does mean that it's not necessarily her FAULT). Make it clear that you're not siding against her - but simply appealing for some kindness and latitude in her interpretation of your mother's actions.
Secondly, your mother. Explain to her that you understand that she's having a hard time with depression. It's a horrible illness and completing even simple tasks with it requires herculean effort. However, it's important that she understands that her 'hands-off' attitude is, however unintentionally, causing all kinds of damage because your girlfriend doesn't understand where the hopelessness and hostility is coming from. Make it clear that you don't blame her for these failings - they're due to a medical condition that's every bit as real as a broken leg - but try to lead her to understand that, despite this, they are causing a lot of hurt and pain to your girlfriend. Suggest ways forward from this: an apology that is also an explanation can work wonders in establishing trust ('I'm really sorry I missed the dinner, I was so unwell that day. Sometimes I find it so hard to get out of bed. I am trying to seek some help').
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (11 March 2010):
Be cool and don't get angry with your wife and don't do anything stupid or against your wife's will.
Your wife is piqued because your mom did not visit her while she can visit your niece. She felt resentment and her pride wounded.
Give her more time to come around. Just let the situation cool down first.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (11 March 2010):
 Your girlfriend is not being very fair here. Using the baby as an emotional tool is not on and she should take your feelings into this too.
Did you all go and try and visit your mum?
Have you spoke to your mum to ask her if she has any issues with your girlfriend before this all kicked off?
This can be fixed but you unfortunatly need to play the role of the person who brings them together. It shouldnt have to be but thats the way its turned out.
Its probably your mum doesnt approve of something that was holding her back. Talk with her, get the issues out in the open.
If she still wont see your point of view then at least you have tried. Its up to your mum then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): Your girlfriend cannot unilaterally decide to ban your mother from seeing a child that both of you created. She doesn't have to like your mum, but she does need to respect your relationship with your mother and understand that you want your baby to be a part of her grandmother's life. If she doesn't want your mum in your home, that's one thing, but there really is no reason why you shouldn't be able to take the baby to visit your mother. Besides, why is it up to your mum to visit you? If you know she is depressed, the two of you should have been making an effort to go visit her instead of waiting for her to come to you.
Your girlfriend seems to like conflict and is looking for excuses to be angry with your mom. It's unfortunate that you are too afraid of her to stand up for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): It's your call, because it's your place to live as well as your mom, not hers. Here's the deal,..are you sure your mom will put you up to live with the baby or that you'll get the baby before your gf, if she goes to court over it? Also, do you want your baby growing up through life not having both mom and dad living together? It's a tough call when it comes to parents, but you had the baby with your gf and your mom isn't your baby's parent, so think hard before you jump and side with your mom. Was your mom really going to see your niece and not you and your gf or your baby, at all? At the same time, you can play it safe and explain to your mom that you understand she might not be able to take the stress of helping with a baby, with her depression, but she's welcome anytime and you'll defend her when your gf acts up.. You'll have to put your foot down and tell your gf she's a mom and she should start acting like a responsible adult and try to respect your sick mother. Try to mediate the situation, but in the end your gf has a say, to, since she's the mom, so try to really tell how hurt you are that she's being that way to your mom, and that she should understand how sick she is and, and how would she feel if she was in your mom's shoes. I'm sure your mom wishes she could visit, though of course she'll feel unwelcome and say things like your gf won, when your gf's being that way, but she probably feels expected as a grandparent to show alot of support for the baby but knows she can't give it or offer it when she's too burdened by the depression she's feeling. Try not to fight with either of them, for your baby's sake.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 March 2010):
Your girlfriend is out of line. Your mother wasn't up for a battle at this point in time. The baby deserves to get to know his/her grandmother. People who use babies to advance their own agendas really piss me off. If she doesn't want your mother in her house then fine but then tell her that you will be taking the baby to visit your mom and if she doesn't like then tough titties. Your mother will not be around forever and you'll regret it if you don't allow this.
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