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Why is it I feel I lost my soulmate? And could he really have moved on so fast?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 May 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 29 May 2017)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hello again DearCupid.

As I look back, I realized I have been posting on here on and off for about 7 years!

This has significance because I was just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years over the phone, and the majority of my posts were about my now ended relationship.

We were completely together those 6 years (no breaks, no cheating, etc.), so obviously this breakup came to a huge shock to me.

It has been about a month since the breakup, and like most heartbroken people, I have experienced every emotion under the sun.

The long story short of my relationship: met at 18, became official, long distance first year of college, he fails out, we live and work together in the same city for 2 years, I get into a school out of town, long distance for 1.5 years, he moves to said city to go to school, finds passion, makes a bunch of friends, live in same city pursuing our degrees for 1.5 year, I get internship offers in the South, move there for temp internships, I plan to move back to the Northeast with him until he graduates in May of 18 where we will then move out to West together with his family.

In my last week of my internship, I get a call from him out of the blue, that he wants to take a break. 1 week into said break, he calls drunk and says its over. I don't get an explanation, any closure, nothing. He didn't even wish me a happy graduation at my ceremony in the Northeast 2 weeks ago. (6 year relationship, and I don't even get a congrats)

Unfortunately, I find out a week later that he is seeing someone else. I have not contacted him at all during this time, besides 1 email, kind of spilling out everything I felt. "How could you do this, did I mean nothing, etc."

I sent this email 2 weeks ago, and have not got a single response. It's really heartbreaking to me, and so hard for me to understand how someone who you had known for so long, and been through so much together, can just completely cut you out of their life for the next fling.

His entire family has reached out to me, and is really upset with his decision. (They don't even know about the other girl yet.)

Pretty much everything in his life has been through me. He moved to the Northeast because I was there, I knew some admission board members at his current school, I helped him apply for his internship.. I am not all that, but most people can agree I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

And I was just tossed to the side after 6 years, like I meant nothing.

I guess I have 2 questions:

It would be nice to hear similar stories on how long it took others to get over being left for someone else. I know it has only been a month, but I obsess about it constantly, it is always on my mind. Especially since I recently moved back home, from not being able to find a job. It is my first breakup and I feel like I am never going to get over him, like I'll always love him, even though he was so shitty to me.

Also could he possibly be over me already? I never did anything to make this happen, and was nothing but supportive of him. Could he really have just lost feelings just like that?

I know this is long, and it is funny to look back at my older posts on here from multiple times in our relationship. One common trend I noticed in my posts, was that all of my questions had a similar theme: "Does he really care, I feel like he is not right for me, etc"

Even though most likely is not good for me, why is it I feel like I lost my soul mate?

View related questions: a break, drunk, heartbroken, long distance, soulmate

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (29 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIts only been a month and you have had a shock to your system it does get better in time. You are trying to get over a loss. It is a hard thing to do so you do need to spend time to grieve. I hope you have supportive friends and family.

My guess is that he met this girl before he broke up with you but he was not man enough to make the breakup (hence the drunk phone call) Is it possible he got over you in a week? It is more likely that he had met this girl and had been planning the break up for a while, so he had more time to get used to it than you did. It was a shock to you, but he knew what he was doing. It is a difficult time for you but you will come out the other side stronger. The kindest thing he has done for you at this stage is not contact you. I know its difficult not having closure, but all you need to know is he has found someone else and move on from that. Block him from all methods off contact. It does get easier.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2017):

Sorry to hear of your heartbreak. You wanted to know how long it took others who experienced this...

Well, I was you 6 months ago. Instead of a drunk call out of the blue, mine was an SMS hinting at trouble. I wasn't sure what it meant so I tried to call him right away. He didn't answer but sent another SMS saying he will call later.

I left work, headed home and to my absolute shock he was gone. All his things gone. Bedroom, bathroom, all gone.

We didn't have a fight. Everything was normal the night before and that morning but suddenly gone.

After 6 happy years, he was the one for me, but looks like I wasn't for him.

I was shocked, hurt, wounded, and grieved the same as when my dad passed away. I've had to accept it, you can't change it, he left and you can't go back.

Like you, I thought about him & the whole 6 years and tried to determine why. You will process different things different days and eventually the wound covers over so that you can survive.

The first while you just take it one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. You will cry, a lot. You will be sad. You will be in denial. You will put on a strong face & words for everyone but inside you doubt yourself and many things.

For me, a few things helped:

My faith in God. I trusted Him through it all and believe He has a purpose and plan for my life.

My family who I know love me & care about me.

My career, keeping BUSY helped.

Strangers & surprise people will turn up that will help you without knowing.

Reading this forum helped a lot, and out of all the online sites, Wise Owl's articles on breakups totally made all the difference. I followed his advice to the T, including no contact for 3 months and so much more and it really helped me. He also said it would take a month for each year together and that has come true too. I can smile again and up to now couldn't think of any male or future but I'm just starting to realize I am me again.

I've gone through the sadness and have come out stronger. I put my focus on a balanced life, and have followed a healthy lifestyle, nutrition fitness and supplementation and look and feel great. Lost 10kg, and receive compliments daily.

I'm not ready or interested in anyone right now, I think I am now very scared but its normal after this kind of trauma. However, I know my faith & trust in God will help me in future.

As for him: I have not bad-mouthed him. I have not been angry or bitter. Instead I'm grateful for what we had, what we shared, the growth I experienced with his encouragement. It was mutual. I too helped, supported & encouraged him. It was just sad how he ended it but I realize he could not do it another way. I will always love him but can never go back because the trust is gone forever.

So you see, it will get better. You need to give it time. It will hurt, it will be sad, but in time you will find joy again in life and living as you mend your broken heart.

As for who they may or may not have left us for, don't let it take over your mind. It won't change anything. It just gave you indicators for future reference when someone is checking out before they actually do.

You will live to tell the tale. To help others by motivating them through your own hard lessons learnt.

Be good to yourself.

Best Wishes

Hopeful Romantic

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (26 May 2017):

N91 agony auntI'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this, but this is something that everyone will go through in their life at least once. It sucks, but it's part of life unfortunately, we will always have someone that breaks our heart.

You sound like you're doing a good job though to say that you've not heard from him. Only sending 1 message and then keeping your composure not to send any more despite not getting your closure is something to be proud of, as some people just go into a downward spiral of sending non stop messages and becoming a real nuisance.

Make sure you block him from everything. I know you're probably hoping in the back of your mind to see his name pop on your phone and you're hoping all of this is a bad dream that you're going to wake up from. You don't want any reminders of him as this will make the moving on process 100x harder for you. It's done now though, he has had his chance and he's thrown it away. Now this is the time to focus on yourself, enjoy being single for a while and building your confidence back up.

You have plenty of support for you out there so don't feel alone right now, I'm sure you have many people you can talk to and vent off some steam if you need to. You need to remember that this isn't your fault so don't blame yourself or think that anything is wrong with you because there isn't. This is a decision that he made in deciding that you guys had grown apart. All this means that in the grand scheme of things that you two weren't meant for each other. That probably sounds crazy to hear for you as you spent pretty much the last 6 years of your life together, but it you were destined to be and to get married then this wouldn't be happening right now, so there is someone else out there that you will meet and things fall into place with, so don't worry about that, just enjoy yourself for the time being.

It will hurt a lot more because you weren't expecting it and also that there was another girl there. In response to asking if he can get over you so quickly, I think him having someone else will cushion the blow for him a little but I imagine that he will still be feeling a little shitty over it at least. Maybe one day he will regret his decision, who knows? But he has made his choice to end things and blown his chance with you, so don't let him try to worm his way back in for a second chance if he tries it, because chances are he will leave again.

Best of luck for the future

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (26 May 2017):

chigirl agony aunt*helped him find himself

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (26 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntAh, the good old tale of the young man who got the "best thing that ever happened to him" but it wasn't what he wanted.

Really, you can be the best thing that ever happened to him, and you helped him grow and you helped him find yourself etc, but that is no guarantee he will turn around and thank you and love you for it. I have also been the "best thing" that happened to some of my ex boyfriends, as both their friends and even family have told me. An ex's mother still kept in touch with me years after the break-up. She wanted to swap me for her good-for-nothing son.

But really, if you were the best thing for them, that sort of implies that they needed help and didn't do really well on their own, and you functioned as their crutch in life. His family has reached out to you because they liked you, regardless of whether you were a good match with their son or not. This is what you need to realize. That you weren't necessarily meant to be, or what he wanted, just because his family thinks you were amazing, or just because you were the best thing that happened to him from your point of view.

I am sure he thinks you are a wonderful person, otherwise he would not have been with you for 6 years or followed you around to different cities. He did love you. But then that feeling died down, and you were long distance yet again, and he came to the conclusion that now, at this point in his life, he needs something (or someone) else.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or you did something bad, or that he is a terrible person, or you are a terrible person. It's just the way things are, sometimes.

He moved on so fast because he already checked out of the relationship a long time ago. When was the last time you saw him in person? How did he behave then? Was he distant? Did you argue? Was it a long time ago? He had already mentally prepared himself to end the relationship long before he told you. It was not an impulse decision, and his asking for a break was just a way to end things in a more gentle way. Probably he worded himself that way because breaking up with someone is a really difficult thing to do when you aren't a cold hearted person. It takes a lot of courage, A LOT of courage. So he chickened out and told you he wanted a break instead. Then he drank himself to courage and broke up with you properly.

You feel like you lost your soul mate because you are heart broken. Once you start to process the break-up and your feelings of hurt fade out, you will no longer feel this way. Remember, he was thinking about breaking up for a long time before he got enough courage to actually do it. You didn't get a warning (at least not one you picked up on), so for you it is a shock, and you need to take your time to come to terms with it. Naturally, you will not be over him the same way he is over you.

The times I broke up with someone, I had been thinking about it and judging the pro's and con's for almost 6 months prior! You really don't (or very rarely don't) break up with someone on impulse. It's a decision that takes time to mature in ones head before you realize that breaking up is indeed what you want, and go through with it. So imagine if he first started to think about ending things 6 months earlier. You just got the news. At least give yourself 6 months and then see if you are still this hung up on him, or perhaps you yourself have found someone new in that time, before you judge how quickly he moved on.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (26 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSending hugs. A first of anything bad is always hard to cope with and makes you question everything you believe(d) in.

You were both very young when you entered this relationship. It says a lot for your staying power and maturity that you stayed together for so long, especially as a lot of your relationship was long distance. Use that experience as building blocks for future relationships.

Everyone moves at a different rate when getting over a breakup. Some take longer than others. I heard a rough guide once that you should allow AT LEAST a month for every year you were together. It really is early days yet and you WILL start to feel better in time.

You made your feelings known to him in your email, now delete his contact details and draw a line under this part of your life. He was special to you for 6 years (even though, by your own admission, you had doubts whether the relationship was right for you). Now he has chosen to remove himself from the "special zone" and there is little you can do about it. The longer you try to hold on to him or to feelings of hurt and bitterness, the longer it will be before you can start to feel happy again.

You sound like a lovely young lady. You will meet someone in the future who will totally appreciate you and then you will understand why it didn't work out with this guy.

In the meantime, stay strong and be kind to yourself. Spend time with friends and family who make you happy. Allow yourself to be distracted. Take up new hobbies. Just enjoy life in general.

Take each day at a time. Set yourself small goals each day regarding NOT thinking about your ex. Say to yourself, "Today I will not think about him all the time I am in the shower" or "today I will not think about him while I am eating". Slowly build up those times. One day you will suddenly realize you have not thought about him for hours and it will feel liberating.

Good luck. You have your whole life ahead of you. He is now in your past. Wish him well and explore the rest of your life.

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A male reader, rasblak Singapore +, writes (26 May 2017):

Hello OP,

Suffice it to say, in way of anecdote, that at 23 years old, I was there.

i) Your pain is real; You have every right to feel the way you do.

ii) I find it admirably commendable on your part, given the circumstances, that you've managed to only send that 1 email so far. That's several orders of magnitude better than how I handled things when I was in similar ordeal.

iii) You must be having millions of questions eating at your heart and mind. In way of taking an *active* part in your healing process, know this: Only you can find fulfilling answers to them, not *him*, not anyone else; the answers you need will come from within you.

iv) That pain you feel, Don't Fight It. That's what 'focus on your job, school, friends and family' means. That pain you feel, that's your own subconscious trying to tell you something; a warning, a lesson.

v) I believe it is this suckiest feeling of 'so out of the blue--did I mean nothing' that defies understanding and probably has you tossing and turning back and forth in bed, every cell of your body revolting internally. @HoneyPie is right that it's extremely probable that it was not at all 'out of the blue' for him.

vi) Consider how would you be feeling today if some 5 years ago someone had been there to bring the very relevant question to you: How would you feel, and how would you handle it, if in this very volatile world, after completely investing yourself for 6 years of your life in this relationship, it was all gone, just like that from one moment to the next?

vii) Part of your problem is that at any point in time, for no 'satisfactory' reason, 'out of blue' can happen to anyone, but you were not prepared for it and hence find yourself registered at the school of hard knocks.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry about your broken heart, TIME will help you heal. I know it sounds banal but it's the truth.

My guess is he MET that girl a while BEFORE he wanted a "break" he was OVER the relationship with you LONG before he told you. He kept it going because HE didn't want to let go of a "sure thing" (you) in case the "new girl" didn't work out. When he either HAD to make a choice or he felt SHE did work out, he asked for a break and then HAD to get drunk to MAN UP and end it with you.

A 6-year relationship at your age (not to patronize) is a LONG time. You two practically "grew" up together from your late teens to mid 20's and what people WANT at 18 might not BE what they want at 24.

You probably WAS the best thing that happened to him for 6 years! But something about the relationship made him unhappy or he outgrew you (or you outgrew him). Either way, it's over.

While I personally don't believe in a soul-mate, I get that we MEET people who are extraordinarily special to us and that we "carry" them with us for the rest of our lives. You probably will "carry" him in your heart for a long time. And THAT is OK.

What you NEED to do is CUT all contact. No more angry e-mails (he is even too chicken to reply) no checking his FB, Instagram or what not - CUT him out of your life. BLOCK and delete his number (so you don't get tempted to call or text) and so that HE can't start calling you (in case the other girl doesn't work out and he wants attention from you).

People move at different speeds. Like I said I think he know her and maybe even pursued her LONG before the "we need a break" call. So he WAS working on moving on from you. On on the other hand had NO clue, which is why it feels like it came out of the blue. It really didn't for him, only you.

Focus on your job, school, friends and family. (I'd also suggest you let "go" of his family and friends - keeping them around will not help you heal.

Take some time to find what makes YOU happy. Spend time with good people. Enjoy life. While it hurts now it will get better. IF you could find ONE good guy, you CAN in time find another.

Maybe you were more focused on the future than he was, you could see how moving here and there for school and job opportunities was a way to get to your goal (of living and working together near his family) but he either couldn't see it or didn't have the patience or stamina for an LDR. It happens. LDR's are hard and they are not for everyone.

Chin up, OP

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