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Why do men look at other women?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 July 2007) 116 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Why do married men--or any man for that matter--stare at other women when they want to be with you and they love you and all that stuff? Men are so confusing sometimes I'm surprised I have nerves left.

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A female reader, CathyH Ireland +, writes (17 August 2012):

PS Of course there are types of flirting looks too going on with this.

Trust your instinct. Do NOT listen to men or even women saying it's all right, it's your fault, your imagination, or some eyewash you aren't giving him enough attention. Put him in the dog house, why would you allow this betraying brat closeness and intimacy with you. Call him out on it, push him right away. If he cops on, great. If he doesn't shape up. Get rid.

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A female reader, CathyH Ireland +, writes (17 August 2012):

....And then deny it and call you jealous/out of hand.

I found it very uncomfortable and disrespectful any time it happened. As far as I was concerned it was a red flag. Regarding being jealous, not at all, the last thing I want is to be with him ever again when he does it.

Some guys do it and don't think enough about you to try to cover it up. Some guys do it and do the attack and call you jealous to try control your response. If they're doing it, they're looking on women as pieces of meat. That disrespect will hit you between the two eyes sooner or later.

I went to therapy, doubted myself, went through all sorts. Even the therapist tried to turn the tables saying I had the problem and would it make me feel better if he wore sun glasses. This is all sick.

1. You were given a gut feeling by nature to warn and protect you. Listen to it, not Look at Menu, Eat at Home nonsense.

2. If he disrespects you enough to do that, he will push the boat with other things.

3. If he denies it's happening and attacks you, there are more serious issues. He is asking you to deny your truth and let him manipulate you.

4 THERE ARE MEN, GENTLEMEN WHO DO NOT OGLE WOMEN. It is nothing to do with looking, anyone can look and see. But ogling and lusting is disgusting and disrespectful. Get a decent man, or be without a man. You will be far more relaxed, have a better time and feel better about yourself and other women without a demeaning creep around you leering at other women. In a way another benefit is, creepily, they enjoy showing you how many women will feed into their ogling, further betraying you. In fairness a lot of women do give a disdainful look at a man with his significant other ogling them. But it's horrible when the woman then looks at you with a sort of pity. I guess she would hate to be in your shoes.

I wasted over 8 years on an ogling creep. His disrespect escalated and he hit me one evening in a raging temper. Luckily, I am extremely fit and trained in boxing so I was able to give him such a punch back I knocked him down. I think the rage of all the ogling, all the times he had disrespected me erupted when he hit me. I knew THAT wasn't in my mind. It is like a weight lifted off me.

Be clear, it's wrong, only creeps do it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012):

Men that are obvious when looking at other women are either bad mannered, lacking in sophistication or have been given premission from their partner.

men are visually stimulated, so they always look, how obvious they make it is a another thing. If it really bothers you, you can try looking at other men in same way. It show poor manners to be overt, and can be seen a lacking in consideration for ones partner.

I recently dated a guy that was quite shameless around looking at other woman, and being consistent. Because of this poor behaviour on his part, i still enjoyed myself .... but curtailed how generous or warm I was toward him. I did not see the point of investing in someone with such disregard for me and poor self control- in real term this meant that I did not invite him into my home, sexual encounters were in hotels or his home and did not introduce him to my family or friends. He had a reduced function- to take me out pay and give me pleasure. when i got bored- I deleted his number and stopped seeing him.

If you are quite confident... then it is really not a threat, but it is rude. you are supposed to be the main event- you man can leer at other women when you are not there. Porn does not make the millions it does because men do not like the partners they are with... it is fantasty, tililation and very disposable.

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A female reader, romel United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

I have a petite, hour glass figure. Hour glass means my bust measurement and hip measurement are exactly the same with a small waist. I am petite and small boned and my breasts are smaller and match my figure. I have fine facial features and high cheek bones. I have been athletic all my life. Gymnastics and running. My identity as a child and teenager was more about athletics and my self-esteem was very much influenced from excelling in sports. I was never the cheer leader type!I never read or bought fashion magazines as a teenager or as an adult much at all. I have got a lot of attention from men my whole life. As a child it was embarrassing and I did not understand what was going on. I was singled out in front of my girl friend's much older brothers, and felt like my friends were going to resent me and lived in a little shame and embarrassment that was rightly not mine. I was a sweet friend and a lot of fun, so my childhood girlfriends never treated me bad. They all had great qualities themselves and were pretty and SMART children. I married young, had children young, and in my late twenties and still in my late forties am athletic looking and petite. Men in my family look fifteen to twenty years younger than they are. So, I look very, young for my age. I went through a time in my life, (later twenties and thirties)when I noticed women rejecting me a lot. So, I went and bought clothes that did not fit my figure and tried to look less shapely. The crotches on the pants all were too long. The waist of the pants did not fit my small waist. I looked okay. However, I felt more comfortable just wearing the clothes that fit my body shape. What is interesting, is men still did not leave me alone. I was just as harassed and it did not make a difference that I was wearing clothes that did not fit me well. I even tried to dress kind of boring. It did not matter. I realized my face and hair was not going to change, just because my clothes did. And I wear very little make-up. I thought women would treat me better, and men would leave me alone. That did not happen. Men look at hair and faces just as much as a figure. As well as women. I am a licensed special educator and at one school I worked at, a very perverted, fat, ugly, demanding, male special ed. teacher, told the principal I was too pretty/sexy to cover his class when he demanded an extra prep. period. He felt I gave the boys a hard time having to see me or look at me. It became a hostile working environment. This man had it out for me. Also, what is interesting, is that when I was a brand new teacher at the school, he did and said creepy like things to me. I just ignored it and stayed away from him. Then, I got put in his class to cover his demanded extra prep. period, and he just spewed his perversion all over me. I was a mother of two teenage boys, received excellent marks in my student teaching, had no prior complaints of any sort, from administration, parents, or my colleagues. I dressed appropriately and professionally. I just had a tiny, hour glass figure, pretty face, and hair. What is interesting, is that female instructional assistants regularly assigned to his class, had size double D breasts, with cleavage exposed beyond control, in front of his male students all the time. I felt so discriminated against. I am the type of female that purposely looks straight at women when I pass them by while they are with their man. I am the type of woman that wants all women to love themselves. I never look at men when I enter places. I have been conditioned this way because of my life experiences about image. I now am changing my career and entering cosmetology school and starting my own fashion consulting business. I have decided to go into a field where fashion and beauty is the service and product. I hope to be an inspiration to men and women and help them accept and love themselves. Just as I did for my students! Men look. Even at young females they feel have an interesting quality of beauty. I experienced this from age 10 and up. A lot of men are just out right arrogant, entitled acting, and abusive to their girl friends, their wives, and women they do not know. I agree with one of the male writers above, that some men do this to their girl friends and wives out of insecurity in order to control them. Get away from these type of men. I also think one of the funniest things written here, is by a female, who wrote, If men would dress so women could compare penis' more easily, a lot more women would be checking the men out. Ya know, I kinda think it would even up the issue of men stating were all just wired that way. I know you are. But, guess what? So are women pleased by a man that looks like he will be able to please her sexually. Give me a break, men act like they are just slaves to their hormones and that they have the seed. Guess what? Women get turned on too. I hate porn. I do not objectify women or men. We are all sexual beings which get pleasure from what looks good. I agree with the man that wrote above, women are taught not to act like that. Women show respect to their man. Also, as far as men seeing visuals at a young age, in cartoons, T.V., movies, and saying they are or have become slaves to that since childhood, yea, right. What about Elvis Presley and those hips and nice plump lips, all those little girls watched? What about Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie? Give me a brake. Since I was a little girl I thought Michael Landon was one sexy man. That does not mean I took and accepted the behavior of acting like a socially maladjusted, desperate, objectifying, boyfriend betraying sexual pervert. Give me a break. What is alluring and sexy about a gawking, desperate acting, person that is a slave to his own lust. Maybe if men were less arrogant about their idea of women as being their pleasure centers, they would in their gawking, ask themselves if they really believe they have what it takes to please that little hottie and gawk less, or not at all? If men were more real about the whole concept of the way they say they were "just created", they might not have to try to come up with an excuse for all their gawking. Maybe men would gawk less, if they were real enough with themselves, about their ability to please the women they are gawking at. I know the perverted, fat, demanding, arrogant, rude, selfish, special ed. teacher I worked with, should probably being going home and looking at himself. Not other women.

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A female reader, romel United States +, writes (17 March 2012):

I have a petite, hour glass figure. Hour glass means my bust measurement and hip measurement are exactly the same with a small waist. I am petite and small boned and my breasts are smaller and match my figure. I have fine facial features and high cheek bones. I have been athletic all my life. Gymnastics and running. My identity as a child and teenager was more about athletics and my self-esteem was very much influenced from excelling in sports. I was never the cheer leader type!I never read or bought fashion magazines as a teenager or as an adult much at all. I have got a lot of attention from men my whole life. As a child it was embarrassing and I did not understand what was going on. I was singled out in front of my girl friend's much older brothers, and felt like my friends were going to resent me and lived in a little shame and embarrassment that was rightly not mine. I was a sweet friend and a lot of fun, so my childhood girlfriends never treated me bad. They all had great qualities themselves and were pretty and SMART children. I married young, had children young, and in my late twenties and still in my late forties am athletic looking and petite. Men in my family look fifteen to twenty years younger than they are. So, I look very, young for my age. I went through a time in my life, (later twenties and thirties)when I noticed women rejecting me a lot. So, I went and bought clothes that did not fit my figure and tried to look less shapely. The crotches on the pants all were too long. The waist of the pants did not fit my small waist. I looked okay. However, I felt more comfortable just wearing the clothes that fit my body shape. What is interesting, is men still did not leave me alone. I was just as harassed and it did not make a difference that I was wearing clothes that did not fit me well. I even tried to dress kind of boring. It did not matter. I realized my face and hair was not going to change, just because my clothes did. And I wear very little make-up. I thought women would treat me better, and men would leave me alone. That did not happen. Men look at hair and faces just as much as a figure. As well as women. I am a licensed special educator and at one school I worked at, a very perverted, fat, ugly, demanding, male special ed. teacher, told the principal I was too pretty/sexy to cover his class when he demanded an extra prep. period. He felt I gave the boys a hard time having to see me or look at me. It became a hostile working environment. This man had it out for me. Also, what is interesting, is that when I was a brand new teacher at the school, he did and said creepy like things to me. I just ignored it and stayed away from him. Then, I got put in his class to cover his demanded extra prep. period, and he just spewed his perversion all over me. I was a mother of two teenage boys, received excellent marks in my student teaching, had no prior complaints of any sort, from administration, parents, or my colleagues. I dressed appropriately and professionally. I just had a tiny, hour glass figure, pretty face, and hair. What is interesting, is that female instructional assistants regularly assigned to his class, had size double D breasts, with cleavage exposed beyond control, in front of his male students all the time. I felt so discriminated against. I am the type of female that purposely looks straight at women when I pass them by while they are with their man. I am the type of woman that wants all women to love themselves. I never look at men when I enter places. I have been conditioned this way because of my life experiences about image. I now am changing my career and entering cosmetology school and starting my own fashion consulting business. I have decided to go into a field where fashion and beauty is the service and product. I hope to be an inspiration to men and women and help them accept and love themselves. Just as I did for my students! Men look. Even at young females they feel have an interesting quality of beauty. I experienced this from age 10 and up. A lot of men are just out right arrogant, entitled acting, and abusive to their girl friends, their wives, and women they do not know. I agree with one of the male writers above, that some men do this to their girl friends and wives out of insecurity in order to control them. Get away from these type of men. I also think one of the funniest things written here, is by a female, who wrote, If men would dress so women could compare penis' more easily, a lot more women would be checking the men out. Ya know, I kinda think it would even up the issue of men stating were all just wired that way. I know you are. But, guess what? So are women pleased by a man that looks like he will be able to please her sexually. Give me a break, men act like they are just slaves to their hormones and that they have the seed. Guess what? Women get turned on too. I hate porn. I do not objectify women or men. We are all sexual beings which get pleasure from what looks good. I agree with the man that wrote above, women are taught not to act like that. Women show respect to their man. Also, as far as men seeing visuals at a young age, in cartoons, T.V., movies, and saying they are or have become slaves to that since childhood, yea, right. What about Elvis Presley and those hips and nice plump lips, all those little girls watched? What about Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie? Give me a brake. Since I was a little girl I thought Michael Landon was one sexy man. That does not mean I took and accepted the behavior of acting like a socially maladjusted, desperate, objectifying, boyfriend betraying sexual pervert. Give me a break. What is alluring and sexy about a gawking, desperate acting, person that is a slave to his own lust. Maybe if men were less arrogant about their idea of women as being their pleasure centers, they would in their gawking, ask themselves if they really believe they have what it takes to please that little hottie and gawk less, or not at all? If men were more real about the whole concept of the way they say they were "just created", they might not have to try to come up with an excuse for all their gawking. Maybe men would gawk less, if they were real enough with themselves, about their ability to please the women they are gawking at. I know the perverted, fat, demanding, arrogant, rude, selfish, special ed. teacher I worked with, should probably being going home and looking at himself. Not other women.

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A female reader, Sharjoy United States +, writes (2 March 2012):

I think it doesn't matter WHY they look but how a woman feels when it's done.

My daughter calls what my husband does (in my presence) as "eye sex". When he does it, there are 2 types of women who respond -- either a sister or a hater.

The sister doesn't enjoy making another woman uncomfortable, so she'll ignore him or focus attention on me.

The hater doesn't care about my feelings and enjoys the attention at my expense. I've dealt with it for 9 years, talked to him about it, he stops for awhile and starts again.

My answer to you ladies is to (1) do the same to him, (2) remove yourself from the situation (if in restaurant, go to the bar, if in meeting, change your seat) and when he asks you what you're doing, tell him you'll do this a couple of times and then discontinue going out with him for a few months and then give him another chance. My thing is we should not allow ourselves to feel humiliated. We should not allow another woman to give that unspoken message 'your man's giving me eye sex and he's got this if he wants and you don't matter.'

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A male reader, warmonk United States +, writes (18 November 2011):

Sorry Guys, but I am going to have to sell you up a river. I was one of you. I thought it was impossible not to look at women. So I will tell you what the deal is truly, this way you can decide if its worth it or not. I’m a guy who was horny like crazy. porn, masturbation 15 times a day, I looked at women with the longest stares and it got so bad to the point if I didn’t look or I missed a opportunity to look it bothered me.

Ok, with that being said I think you will all agree I had a problem.

Now I used to argue justification for this like crazy and became good at it. It of course bothered my relationship but I insisted on doing it and with so many men doing it, my case looked pretty convincing that it was just a guy thing.

I probably have all the women anxiously waiting what i’m going to say next and all the guys cringing.

so ok guys, here is the deal….

If you stop

1. looking at porn

2. looking at magazines, pictures, billboards, tv shows with girls

3. masturbating

Then yes, you will be able to have the power to no longer look at women or desire it. I know, because I have done this. this was the only way.

why?

because if you are trying to put out a fire you have to completely try to put it out with all your efforts, otherwise it will just flare up with the next great looking wind that passes by.

when you look at all these things and in your mind entertain sexual images while masturbating you feed the sexual part of your brain that actually develops and creates more of an addiction and craving for it.

Guys are more visual than girls, I believe because they start younger and society allows them to be these sexual horn dogs out of control. Women can never understand because since youth they have practiced self discipline because society finds it unacceptable otherwise.

now heres the scary part you need to consider before trying this.

are you ready?

If you stop looking at pictures and women and masturbating and such,

YOU WILL LOSE INTEREST IN SEX………

not completely

but you will feel the same way about it as your wife. Meaning, if you get it fine, if you don’t fine.

Think about it, maybe not all guys will become the way I have but I was a crazy perv and in two months of doing this.

I no longer get excited to see my hot wife naked. Its like I don’t really care. Its like the shape of the female form doesn't register as an object needing attention.

Now in order to turn me on she has to foreplay me the way Guys have to foreplay women.

My wife turned me into a woman!! lol I no longer care about looking at girls at all. I think paying to go to a strip club seems totally ridiculous now. I think its a totally bizarre concept LOL.

I think the fire just went out completely. I’m 30 years old and am cured of looking at women. I will see hot women walk by and now can resist

but my wife complains that I am not sexually excited when I see her.

so I told her this...

Look, you can have the fire burning or you can put it out but its not just going to burn for you, because the mind is trained to react to the female shape of a fit female form. A manikin wearing panties on display will get attention just because it might make the brain recognize the sought out shape of the elite fitness form of a desirable and self programmed sex object.

It's reinforced again and again by all the visuals a man feeds his brain. Even the playboy bunny icon symbol makes a rise for a guy who visually associates it with women when he masturbates, because the image precludes the hot women to follow and it becomes associated with sexual pleasure.

the man sees the symbol and makes the association of girls about to be presented when his masturbation. the man self programs his visual mental state.

you can have the beast caged or let it out but its not going to just want to bite your wife or girlfriend.

I told my wife she can’t complain about me not having a normal guy sex crave if she forces me to not be a normal guy in habits.

If women mentally neuter you, than you can't just be un-neutered for them, but neutered for all others.

the female physical shape no longer stimulates my mind and creates a rise in me.

yeah I’m sure it would if I went back to old ways, but it would only create the old hyper sexual deviant that never had the peace I do now.

So there’s my story take it for what its worth. I believe if you act like a woman you will become like one.

If you want a happy compromise maybe you could still masturbate, but I don’t think this will completely cure the urge to look, since you are still feeding the visual fire

The brain develops in the area of exercise so if you are very sexual in habit the brain develops in that area. so if you are super perverted than you only get more so, if you do a lot of math you become more inclined in that area of the brain.

So be kind to your women because we tell them looks are everything so if we are looking at others, than we make them feel like nothing.

Is it harder for men not to look than women?

Yes,

but women will never understand this or agree with you because they simply are not a man whose grew up conditioned the way we were. They do not own a penis

they don’t know that looking is feeding simply the sexual eye candy appetite for some because there are others who do much more with their wandering eyes.

Women see it as betrayal, disrespect and simply rude...but thats because it is lol

even if you don’t particularly want to run away with the eye candy and have the affair (that all women think you would if given the opportunity) it is a slap in the face if you do it in front of them, because we are not robots, we do have control of our actions. Its just more difficult for men than women because women dress more provocative and men have never practiced restraint growing up like women did.

Men dress more conservatively than women do, but its not an excuse because self control becomes habitual over time and women could be naked and it wouldn’t matter to a man who practices self restraint and doesn't feed the fire.

so be kind to your wives and girl friends, They think your all your balls belong to them including your eye balls.

they will never understand the degree of perverts men are.

…and we don’t really want them to. lol

my email is [email address blocked]

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011):

I dislike the fact that many state if a woman is bothered by her guy looking at other women is listed as just being insecure. That a man looking at other women and how it makes his partner feel is on her and her alone. A woman can be very secure about herself and her looks and still dislike it. When it happens to me it doesn't make me insecure, but insulted that a guy rather look around the room than spend time with his partner. When I see it happening I think that he can do it and it's ok because he may think I'm not going anywhere so it's safe ground. If women looked around just as much as men there really wouldn't be a thing called monogamy. I know I could look around too, but I don't really get the joy of looking at other men. It feels very disrespectful.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011):

Been a long time since anyone has posted in here..I did a lot of reading and fell asleep and then finished it all.Every comment.Even the rude ones.And the uneducated.And the loose...there was only one comment I liked...and that was the guy who said he loves his wife and doesn't look elsewhere.Not because that is what I needed to hear iether.or wanted to hear.It's just the truth.These men are conditioned this way not born this way.Yes some use it as a tool to hurt.A weapon to destroy one's own self love.And yes some do it because you can't help but notice someone sometimes.My man wants to photo shop beautiful women everyday.He watches tutorials everyday.They are most sexual photos in nature too.Just like another different type of porn.fantasy while woman is being created right before your eyes...who can beat that?!If men put thought like they do into their voyeurisms into world peace we'd have had it ages ago.Half the idiots on the planet don't realize these wars are faught over women AND oil and everything else.When I fall in love and I have several times the only time I wandered was out of unhappiness.The only time I admired someone's was beauty or handsome looks was never.Until it was done to me and that doesn't make me feel any better.The fact that I now have a 1 yr relationship going with a man that is addicted to porn and swears he can shut it on and off and is lying to himself and me.Every television show he watches stars a woman of dark skin or is in the show.Almost every show.There's also two and a half men!Ha ha ha. men don't realize it shuts the woman down don't give me this crap about it being her fault all the time.Or maybe I want to believe they are that stupid.ya that's it right there.because they do know how it hurts.The phrase the wrath of a woman does little to what a scorned man is capable of.The punishments.The degradation she made him feel that he now passes on to her.How do I know this??because I've been with plenty of scorned men who used me and threw me away because of 'her' that goddess that cheated on him.I am far from ugly.I was one of those ladies who stopped all the men when she walked in the room.So my husband left me at home.He did it to me.All the time.. in fact he taught my second son how to say look at the tits on 'it' at four yrs old.They also do it because you are the money bag nag.Hello.I've been used for vehicles and house fulls of furniture.Also to help pay his child support.Lets face it..Every man wants the goddess.Deep down they all want her.At least that is how I feel right now.Having been abused by so many different men as a child I'd have to agree with the fact that men can't seem to control themselves.Even if you are four years old.I also have to admit I have been living as Rapunzel so to speak...hoping to be rescued to a safe place where people are normal and loving.I guess I'm guilty of fantasizing too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011):

Men look at other women because they are not committed to you.You are a convenience...are you paying half the bills?If yes there's your answer he is using you.Period.Esspecially if he tells you you are crazy or insecure!They are using you or jelous of you trying to hurt you or make you feel less than because they are scared you will leave or they are just oversexed porn addicts

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011):

Men seem to find all sort of excuses why they look at other women. However if one goes in the mind of us women one will realise that women need to be acknowledged all the time , we want compliments from our man and we want our man to look at us and appreciate us.

Women who are not given attention from their men are more likely to cheat than those who get full attention from their men. Women need to feel appreciated and when a man looks at other women all the time, this will make a lady feel insecure and remember that we need security and RESPECT from our men. If we don't feel appreciated we are more likely to seek attention from out guys.

However this is no excuse for women to cheat but I am certain that a man can control his habit of looking at other women all the time.

And if you have the habit of looking at other women PLEASE at least compliment your wife or girlfriend so that they feel appreciated and never take you wife or girlfriend forgranted. Men do not realise that women feel degraded and insecure when they look at other women and so men ..control yourselves.

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A female reader, Cocostar Malta +, writes (21 October 2011):

Men seem to find all sort of excuses why they look at other women. However if one goes in the mind of us women one will realise that women need to be acknowledged all the time , we want compliments from our man and we want our man to look at us and appreciate us.

Women who are not given attention from their men are more likely to cheat than those who get full attention from their men. Women need to feel appreciated and when a man looks at other women all the time, this will make a lady feel insecure and remember that we need security and RESPECT from our men. If we don't feel appreciated we are more likely to seek attention from out guys.

However this is no excuse for women to cheat but I am certain that a man can control his habit of looking at other women all the time.

And if you have the habit of looking at other women PLEASE at least compliment your wife or girlfriend so that they feel appreciated and never take you wife or girlfriend forgranted. Men do not realise that women feel degraded and insecure when they look at other women and so men ..control yourselves.

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A female reader, Cocostar Malta +, writes (21 October 2011):

Here everyone is talking about why men look and bla bla and men seem to find all sort of excuses why they look at other women. However if one goes in the mind of us women one will realise that women need to be acknowledged all the time , we want compliments from our man and we want our man to look at us and compliment us all the time. Women who are not given attention from their men are more likely to cheat than those who get full attention from their men. Women need to feel appreciated and when a man looks at other women all the time, this will make a lady feel insecure and remember that we need security from our men. If we don't feel appreciated we are more likely to seek attention from out guys.

However this is no excuse for women to cheating but I am certain that a man can control his all the time looking 'defects'.

And if you have the habit of looking at other women PLEASE at least compliment your wife or girlfriend so that they feel appreciated. Men do not realise that we hurt and feel insecure when they look at other women and so at least they must try to control it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011):

Here everyone is talking about why men look and bla bla and men seem to find all sort of excuses why they look at other women. However if one goes in the mind of us women one will realise that women need to be acknowledged all the time , we want compliments from our man and we want our man to look at us and compliment us all the time. Women who are not given attention from their men are more likely to cheat than those who get full attention from their men. Women need to feel appreciated and when a man looks at other women all the time, this will make a lady feel insecure and remember that we need security from our men. If we don't feel appreciated we are more likely to seek attention from out guys.

However this is no excuse for women to cheating but I am certain that a man can control his all the time looking 'defects'.

And if you have the habit of looking at other women PLEASE at least compliment your wife or girlfriend so that they feel appreciated. Men do not realise that we hurt and feel insecure when they look at other women and so at least they must try to control it.

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A male reader, warmonk United States +, writes (17 October 2011):

.I think women should not take it personal or be offended because that is a personal insecurity thing. You should not feel as though your worth is your appearance and your man is with you for this reason and any attractive person is a threat simply because your man acknowledges this fact.

Men asses wide hips small waist, sizable breasts , height degree of fitness in muscle, skin tones, skin health, hair, facial coloration indicating health walking gate and posture. all these things are programmed in the mind for suitable partners, which make healthy off spring.

when a man falls in love with a woman his ability and desire to asses and evaluate the imagery that stimulate his mental programming doesn’t shut off. It doesn’t program its self to only recognize this woman he is with. believe me I wish it would!

If he stopped being attracted to these women which is what our wives and girl friends really want, that would also include you. Then there would only be love, which for a guy would seriously compromise his ability to get an erection.lol

yes I know blind men can get an erection. There are four ways men get erected.

1 physical stimulus which is not as fast as visual,

2.visual which everyone assumes is the only way

3. mentally, which most women rely on, but takes longer.

4. and being very relaxed, this is why you wake up erected when you are asleep, very comfortable, knocked out, or hanging.

women don’t need to be turned on to get pregnant, but guys do need imagery to perform the act, so guys are visual more than women have an excuse to be. The love he posses makes him fight this programming but its still there. if he doesn’t look he still wants to.

Its not personal. he will not go and chase after her.

If you are deeply upset you have issues. An attractive person is trying to get attention and has nothing to do with your man wanting to trade up. that is a ridiculous notion. Men simply like to look at eye candy variety. It has nothing to do with their hearts or their mates.

Women will never understand this concept because even if they restrain from looking at men that they would like to look at, men and women are still two different biological designs. Sexually, men are biologically and socially aggressive while women are defensive in the game so to speak.

So unless you somehow remove his sexual neurological glands and reproductive organs, his sexual engine will continue to acknowledge the imagery that stimulates it. This is why he wants to see you naked. You posses shapes and curves that register in his mind as female.

If he doesn’t look at other women who might posses these similar shapes and curves, he still really really wants to.

There is still something to be said that he also posses love for his wife or girl friend which he doesn’t for the simple image walking down the street. However with that being said. Men should understand that women will never understand this concept and should try to accommodate them as ridiculously impossible as it may feel when women solicit attention with make up perfected faces, in their never ending battle of female glamour competition.

When a man is with a woman he should resist his urge to look at the woman like a magazine picture if only for the sake of making your woman appear to others as though you no longer have interest in female anatomy

your wife wants to believe she has reprogrammed your biological design with her all consuming movie magic love, which made your brain only recognize her specific female shape as being female. and all other female images now appear to you receptive brain synapses as dudes.

This will make her feel better. Funny thing is even if a man doesn’t look, does it matter when you know he wants to?

However remember that self restraint with time will become habitual, just as not restraining. Even though you want to look and she wants you to pretend you don’t, try. Just try. You have the ability no refrain, so don’t lie to yourself., If you have a cousin you mentally program yourself not to check her out, as you do your mom and your sister.

It is by no means EASY, but possible and if you knew how painful and humiliating it is to women (who don’t and never will understand what it is like to be a man) you would give every effort to think as all those images walking by in high heels, tight or form fitting clothes make up, and hair salon (look at me) tricks and tools….as your sister.

P.S

the more porn,picture, videos and tv you watch the harder this will be to overcome.

and yeah I think someone mention sunglasses. Thats a good Idea but I’m sure everyone already knows and does this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011):

Well, here it goes, as a guy who recently got married I have had a big problem shutting down this habit. I hate it. I have been looking at women this way for 30 years. I mean it really sucks! when you are a kid watching cartoons you see the wolf see the saloon girl and his eyes pop out and his tongue rolls out like a red carpet but when he see’s the large woman he runs straight through a wall and leaves his silhouette trying to escape. as boys growing up we are bombarded with images and the mystic of the woman’s form. this kind of brain washing sucks and is not fair because women try to emulate these sexual images so when ever you see something that resembles the image you have this incredible impulse to assess and evaluate. it’s not so much a feeling that you even want that person but just that novelty of seeing something that resembles the constant perfect images walking around in real life. women complain but then again, its hypocritical if you are in a relationship and you wear make up. are you really wearing for him? If you say yes I wear it for him, then why do you not wear it at home if you don’t plan on going out? it is just going to have an affect on other men who grew up trained to notice the tools of attraction. look I’m not defending nothing just explaining that a life time habit to be shut down automatically is unreasonable. The more you complain about it the more it becomes like forbidden fruit, like telling someone not to think of pink elephants and then it becomes hard not to think of them. I feel if a woman doesn’t want a man to look they should never go out of the house because the outside world is full of advertising women. if you saw a rare sports car driving on the street the kind you only see in magazines believe me, you will turn your head. Well imagine going outside and everywhere you look you got em driving all over the place. women should stop dressing provocatively and realize that its difficult for men to try to not look at women walking out side everywhere. Women are trying to compete in a contest of who can where the least amount of clothes and wear the biggest mask of makeup. Its annoying. Believe me I feel the most amount of peace when people wear clothes and don’t show off their bodies. I don’t go to strip clubs, they come to me. even girls who aren’t hot but naked would get attention. guys don’t walk around in underwear and super bodies so girls can’t relate and brag how they don’t look. Guys wear baggy clothes and are not used as much as women in sensual promotion in everything even hamburger commercials for crying out loud. Guys wear baggy pants and shirts and suits. even formal wear for women is provocative. can a man over come this? of course, but he will be going against his whole life time of training to look and ever growing world full of people trying to get your attention. so it will take time and effort. I love my wife and I am with her all the time. I try to not look and am trying. I would do more for her than any of your men would do for you, but its not without difficulty and she is worth every effort.

I just want to make it clear that yes it is possible to stop looking. Our actions are just that, our actions. We are not robots that can not override our programming. I just want to say that it is like playing dodge ball every day each day. That is ridiculously annoying. And the women who complain must ask themselves if they themselves dress provocatively when they go outside when they are in a relationship because they contribute to this. I would imagine if I just dangled my penis out of my pants people who look regardless if they liked that sort of thing or not because it stands out. Now staring is up to the person. The more I try to stop this sort of eye candy impulse the more I realize how bizarre our society really is. No matter the temperature or occasion you will see women walking around wearing scantily clad apparel. Now ask yourself something, does it really matter if an article of clothing is denim or cotton shorts or not if it covers the same percentage of your flesh as a pair of underwear? Or if your clothes are so form fitting it looks like near body paint? If you ask me the drug dealer is just as much to blame as the drug addict. If you are at the beach are you not wearing intimate clothing? Are women not wearing bras designed as casual dress, come on people wake up. Women, as just as easily to blame as the culprits for this crime as the guys are guilty for looking. I see women in the office wearing form fitting skirts, form fitting black or grey dress pants where the buttocks are clearly defined and you want to be treated like equals And not sexual objects? You go to church, school, college, and it’s all the same thing. What a joke! Wear clothes people and cover your bodies, quit wearing make up like glamour models and watch how little guys notice or are no longer tempted to look. So to all the guys out there getting bashed for responding to the life time of Hippocratic brainwashing you have received, try to be respectful to your girls but realize they are not free of hypocrisy and blame for soliciting this response. To all the women out there Dress like a guy, and you will be treated like a guy. Dress like a guy and you will have no more whistles , double takes, heads turning, cat calls, Nada, zip, zilch, nothing, zero because truth be told women in there natural state dressed conservatively are not attractive. Maybe you can say beautiful or pretty or what ever, but not (ATTRACT-TIVE). They will not attract attention. If you dress like your in the bed room you get what you give.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011):

Yes, ladies, find yourself a "real" man out there and "not" the little adolescent boys that you have been dating that have no manners. The real men are called gentlemen and they have a level of respect for the woman they are dating. The pain and hurt from the women in these answers is clear. Why continue on in a relationship that is tearing your heart out and diminishing you as a human being. You are all worth so much more than that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011):

I think the real drive is always lust. And the problem that women have with this is not plain jalousy. It's just their intuïtion and logic. Consiously or unconsiously every woman knows that if you yourself don't feel the need to look at other men in the way that your man looks at other women (because you can't even emagine being with someone else), it means that he doesn't feel the love for you in the saime extent as you do for him. And it's always painfull when someone doesn't return your feelings. The only thing to do is to except it, move on and give yourself another chance to find the real thing..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010):

firstly if you need advice on men, its best to ask other men. ALL men look at other women, why? well its kind of complicated and lengthy to explain. Simple answer would be that we love beautiful woman, its a alpha male thing that females find hard to accept. Think about it this way, if you ask any man what he hates most about his wife/girlfriend he would most likely say "she nags and complains all the time". What most men dont understand is that, thats just how women are, all of them. So in saying that, there are some things about men you just gonna have to accept. We look at other women, look NOT stare (theres a difference) and btw

Any woman who bitches about "character flaws" or saying "they not really men" dont know men at all and probably have trouble finding one to be in a meaningful relationship with. My advise, just be glad his only looking and not cheating.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010):

Funny you should ask, cause if i look at other woman i only see my Girlfriend's face, It doesn't matter how "beautiful" or "ugly" they are preceived to be, in my mind i see her face...perhaps that's what other guys see as well???..^_^

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010):

It's a huge character flaw and a major defect and malfunction in their personality to flaunt that type of behavior in front of their significant other. To the women that have posted here, move on with your life without this type of man in your life. Get rid of him. The woman here have said they are kind and caring, but a kind and caring man "does not" gawk, leer, drool over another women when they are with you in public. There are plenty of men out there that will treat you with the respect that you deserve and that "get it." Their are men that will treat you right and respect you like the lady that you deserve to be treated. It's called common courtesty. The others, leave them in the heap pile where they belong. They weren't taught manners or respect. There are plenty of men out there. You just need to sift through that pile to find that hidden jewel of a man that will worship and love you with all their heart and knows how to treat you right in public.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010):

I agree 100% with the writer on October 7, 2010. RUN ladies, RUN!!!! Do not continue to subject yourself to this demeaning and publicly humiliating behavior. There are REAL MEN out there, not boys, that have evolved intellectually, can hold a conversation with you out in public, have their eyes completely on you when the both of you are amongst other people and not be looking around or scanning for the next piece in the area. They are out there, you just haven't found the right one yet. Get some self respect and a backbone and dump the loser and let him know exactly why too. Relief will follow and so will your own peace of mind which is priceless.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010):

From the postings I have read on this topic, the mere act of a man "just looking", as in glancing at another woman, is really not the issue. The issue is what many women are experiencing, or have experienced in their relationships with men. Admiring, glancing, or even looking for a while at an attractive human being is one thing. The gawking, leering, undressing with the eyes, as well as with the body language is quite another. I've heard many versions of the "that's just how it is, they can't help it, goes back to the caveman days and the need to procreate and populate the world" drivel at one time or the other. I've usually heard it from other women. Of course, there's the, "A confident, assertive woman is not upset over this behavior" school of thought that, sadly, is now so popular with both men and women. I've seen women attempt to "roll with the punches" by adopting various soul-destroying methods such as: 1. Looking for "hot" women to point out to her man. 2. Going to every titty-bar in town and watching him get lapdances from whichever Miss T&A. 3. Women bracing themselves to be ignored and humiliated in public, while Mr.Phallic Symbol mentally has sex with every women that crosses his line of vision. Is it just me, or has anyone noticed that at least one half of the time the woman is at least attractive, if not down right gorgeous, and the man is either big and fat, or a sawed-off little runt that an 80 year old grandmother would reject? Many of you point out that what made you the maddest was that the woman/women that he was lusting after, ignoring you for, and so on, were, at best, mediore in looks. After confronting their men, many women, at best, are talked to as one would talk to a slow-witted child. Example: "I don't ever want to hurt you because you're the one I really love. You're beautiful to me. I just glanced. I'm not gawking or leering, or wanting to have sex with them. I can't believe you think I ignored you." At worst, "If you had any self confidence in yourself as a woman it wouldn't bother you." Of course, the "You're crazy" is the old stand-by for most men. Ladies, I've had a few men in my day and not by a long shot have the majority of them acted this way. Nor would they have appreciated it if I did the female version and flirted shamelessly with other men. I promised myself when I was very young that I would never stay with any man, regardless of good looks, good sex, good bank account, or anything else, if he was what our ancestors called a guttersnipe. If a man is "putting it out there" (and that is precisely what he is doing if he exhibits this type of behaviour) then kick him to the curb. We all deserve better and can get better! Do not let anyone tell you differently.

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A female reader, Lola1 Canada +, writes (23 June 2010):

Lola1 agony auntHmmm... I presume some men look at other women because they think some of them are pretty and sometimes they look because they are looking at another couple or aren't even aware of the fact they are looking or why. I've never been bothered by it, so I don't think about it much.

Why presume he is staring at a woman because he's interested in her, or likes her look more than or equal to how much he likes yours?

Honestly, if you react in the right way, appear confident and show it doesn't bother you, your confidence will be sexier than any short skirt or low-cut dress another woman is wearing.

You could act in one of two ways when it happens (my favourite is the second):

1) light-heartedly say something like, "Will you be embarrassed if she notices you staring?" and politely smiling, keeping eye contact, ignore any rebuttal he makes. (Don't debate it when he denies he was staring.)

2) say nothing at all, just watch him with a wry sort of smile until he notices you watching him watch her, and just smile "knowingly" when he apologizes (if he does).

After either of the above, drop it - point made - SILENCE IS GOLDEN - and enjoy the rest of your night. I doubt he'll do it again, but if he does, just repeat as needed (switch the tactics around if you opted for #1 the first time around).

Both men AND women sometimes "bumble" around when dating. Let's be more forgiving of each other and allow ourselves to have more fun.

Once I was at a wedding with my boyfriend who I was dating for about three years at the time. He mispronounced my name while introducing me to someone. I wasn't going to say anything, but he then corrected himself to the man, said my name correctly and apologized. I smiled at the man, ignoring my boyfriend, and holding my hand out to shake his, said "Actually my name is Michelle (a distinctly different name altogether). I just don't have the heart to tell him!"

The man laughed and so did my boyfriend and I. Who looked silly after that? Certainly not me. Would you be surprised to learn that man kept coming back up to me all night to talk and introduce people to me? (winks)

Don't take these things personally. You are the best woman he could be with. Know it and own it and he'll know it too. Trust me and have fun. :-)

Good luck.

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A female reader, jenny9255 Canada +, writes (23 June 2010):

Honestly ladies, I feel for you. Yesterday my boy-friend was staring at his younger sister's friend at the dinner table right in front of me, and she started bending over and squeezing her boobs together to give him a better look...all the while i'm sitting right there! Now, not to be cocky, but I am much more attractive than this girl. Really, I am. So why does he need to do something so disgusting and degrade me this way? The answer is simple...man are DOGS! All I can say is protect your-self, get your finances straight, DO NOT TRUST MEN, have your children and leave him. This is what they deserve... This makes me not want to be in a relationship... I rather be the other women than be the one who sits there looking like an idiot while her boy-friend acts like a disgusting pig.

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A female reader, Dianna1967 United States +, writes (1 June 2010):

The man's greatest pride in his sexualality is his penis. We don't see them everywhere. So if he had to watch his wife compare what looks the best he would not like it Would he.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010):

thats crazy. not all women seek that kind of attention. i for one do not think its okay for a man who is in a relationship and claims to "love" you sit there and "look" at other women. its okay to notice that someone is beautiful aand its not okay to check other girls out and fantasize about them or anything of that sort.

if your not satisfied then leave.. why would anyone be looking for other girls if they are so sure they love the person they are with.

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A female reader, Shalina United Kingdom +, writes (27 May 2010):

I also get upset at my boyfriend for looking at other women but then started to realize that we women, every single one of us enjoy attention from other men! Hence the reason why we wear our tight pants and little skirts! we would feel like someting is wrong if we do not get any attention. We sometimes dress up to impress other guys than our own! Admit it girls we are a bunch of attention seekers! We are just as bad as men :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

Not all men do. If they act like that in front of you the answer is that they are jerks plain and simple.

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A female reader, lilstar United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2010):

my boyfriend does it all the time and yet if someone looks at me he has a go at me for it! its stupid he seems to think its okay to lear at loads of other girls it makes me feel awful and more so when he compares me to other girls he does that all the time too! if i go out and dress up ill get moaned at because ill get looked at and its people like him that do it in the first place

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A female reader, Nancy458 United States +, writes (15 May 2010):

All women are beautiful and some guys are hot. I had lots of fights with my man & it only made life hell. I know He looks, he will not stop looking, but He is smart not to keep staring when He is with me because He will have to run for his life..lol.. anyways we are back together He knows what I hate and what makes me happy...I used to not look at other man because I know how I felt when he looked at other women but that is all BULL SHIT now. I will look, I will enjoy looking and receiving looks and compliments. why ? because He is just like any other man that will not stop looking even if we kill our selves. so RELAX, enjoy receiving the good looks and compliments from other guys. He has noticed now that I am not into him like before, I am more confident and if He looks I will not make him feel so important as he used to feel when I was jealous, so now He has to work harder at keeping me happy. this feels GOOD...the more you get mad and jealous the more important he feels and will not stop. it is ok to look a little if the person is passing by or if there is nothing to look around then we will look again. Girls like guys, guys like girls, didn't we all met our partner with our eyes open? not with our eyes closed right? it is part of nature He is with you because He likes a girl, you are with him because you like a guy...FEEL CONFIDENT act confident do not let him know it bothers you because He will keep doing it ( you make him feel very important) which He is not...REMEMBER we are ahead of them they are not as hot as we are so they lack self confidence,they don't get all the looks and compliments we do and they never will..so they feel good when a girl looks back at them and feel much better when we make it seem that was very important..I love to look at hot guys and will never stop looking... we should all dress like in other countries covered face to toe. that will eliminate the problem but who wants to. NOT ME. He likes to look at big boobs, I got big boobs for him and for the rest to look at..I am sorry If It sounds horrible but he gets what he gives.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010):

Sorry, had to update on this one. I am not the original poster but I did leave a message a while ago. I have been with my guy for 4 years now and he always had a roving eye. But four years into the relationship, I was finally getting really pissed off about his habit. I didn't challenge him too much before about it as I was terrified of losing him. The last straw came when I was stood with him in our local supermarket, and he openly eyed (up and down), the woman in front of us who was there with her child. She wasn't even particulary pretty or stunning which also really pissed me off. I actually saw him check her arse out. When we got outside, I said "did you know you checked out that woman's arse" and all I got from him was "oh, sorry". I was furious at this point as he knew damn well what he had done. I was now tired of this situation and the fact that he was too stupid (despite being really intelligent)to realise that this was the only thing we ever argued about. So I checked out Tracy Cox's website (sex therapist), who basically said if a women was being overtly sexual (dressed to kill with her tits hanging out), then it was quite normal to glance at this person. She also said, that eyeing someone up and down is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I showed him her video and I said to him, if I ever catch you doing this again, that is it. I'm out of here, I've had enough. In order not to sound too controlling, I spoke from the heart and said "honey, this really hurts me. I am not trying to control you but if you must look, and lots of men do, then can you please make sure I don't notice". I have to say, since then, I haven't noticed him once doing it. He goes out of his way not to look and our relationship has improved ten fold. I feel relaxed around him again, I don't mind going out with him, whereas before I avoided it because it hurt too much to see him doing it. The difference in our relationship and how we relate to one another is immense. So, I am not sure if it was my ultimatum that did it or perhaps the reality of what he would miss if I did leave had suddenly hit him. Either way, I know I could never accept this but it took a while for me to realise this and find my voice.

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A female reader, Lucy101 United Kingdom +, writes (22 February 2010):

I am very confident with how I look, I have no issues with my self esteem whatsoever. I'm very attractive and I've never had a problem with my boyfriend looking at other women, HOWEVER.... he does not just give them the once over and 'appreciate the female form'. He goes out of his way to make sure he makes eye contact with them.

He will stare and stare and stare at the same woman when I am right beside him! He will catch her eye and then she will normally stare right back (if she is with other women) This kind of staring, eye contact and cheeky little smiles back and forth, is basically saying " You're hot, I want you but my girlfriend is with me, what a shame". Then the woman sometimes looks at me as if she's wondering if I'm with him! or maybe she's thinking oh you poor thing, what an arse of a boyfriend you have there. When I catch a man trying to make eye contact with me right in front of his partner I feel uncomfortable for the girl because I know how HUMILIATING it is.

I've spoken to him about it and of course he says its me, I'm jealous and paranoid and he cant help it if other women smile at him. They wouldn't be giving him sexy little smiles and 'come to bed eyes' if he hadn't been staring into their eyes in the first place!!

I did the same to him to try and show him how it made me feel, I ended up wearing a pint of beer! Yep, he was really mad, made a big scene, poured his drink over me and stormed out of the club. lol what a drama queen!

It is incredibly disrespectful, it hurts like hell and makes your woman feel stupid, ugly, not good enough, insecure, unloved, unappreciated and invisible to you. When we go out I dont even notice other guys and thats because I'm focused on my boyfriend, I dont want to watch him have flirty eyeball tennis matches with some stranger, who sometimes finds it ammusing that my boyfriend is totally into her, it drives me nuts!!

Infact, having just read this back to myself I cant understand what I'm still doing with him. His behaviour makes me sick, he doesnt deserve me at all but we have fantastic sex. so I think I'll carry on with the good sex for now and start doing a bit of window shopping of my own.

Don't let him convince you that you're a paranoid fruitcake

xxxx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010):

If a man loves his wife he should have no desire to look at another woman and the same the other way around. "You can look but don't touch" is pure bullshit. I LOVE my wife and only look at her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

My hubby is constantly going on the net on his ipod while he has a qick cigarette to look at other women. I have spoken to him about it all and no matter how much i tell him it hurts my feelings and he says "i promise i wont do it again" he still does, almost every night, ive tried having more sex with him etc... but nothing stops him. I dont mind porn as long as he watches it with me but i cannot abide by him looking on the net at other women! it drives me nuts and were always fighting about it! As for the whole "its a primal thing thats built into us" what a load of rubbish, if some men can stop looking then all men are capable of it! i dont look at other men anymore as my hubby is the only one i want! Why cant my hubby make me feel like that? If you love the one ur with you would go out of ur way to make them comfortable and to put their mind at ease and to stop doing what hurts them. I giv up with men! and the skanks that TRY to lead them astray!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010):

I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy, despite the fact that he is obsessed with other women. I have a toddler from another abusive relationship, who my current boyfriend took in and is now daddy. I am just stuck. He is too obsessed with other women to care about how I think, feel or believe. We've fought about it a billion times, I've told him that it will ruin us. It's not something I tolerate in a relationship. Never have, never will. He is with me, he knows what I think about that, and yet he still does it. He says I am very beautiful, but compared to the skanks he drools over, I don't see how he can think that. I am big, I have stretch marks, my teeth aren't white or straight, my hands aren't girly, my boobs aren't big for my size[put 'em on a size 2 and yeah, their huge]. WTF?!?! If he wants them, I've told him to go get them, because I will not tolerate it, and he still does it. It just feels very degrading, and it's VERY disrespectful. I try talking to him about it, and he screams at me saying he didn't look and that I'm stupid. I do not and will not let my son be raised to think that the way dear ole daddy-o treats women is ok....because it's not. He will be raised to respect women, and go for the real ones, not the fake hoes. I just don't know how to make him understand that it hurts.

I used to LOVE looking at other guys, but then I fell in love and stopped because he is all I need, he makes me happy in every way.....except he still looks at girls. I stopped, I used to LOVE other guys, looking at them, thinking about them, but I stopped because I love the man...or boy I am with now, why can't he do the same.? I understand men don't think, care and love the same. Trust me I know, but why for once can't they stop pretending to be superman, smart and mature, and actually grow a set and be all those things? A man that does that to his girl, is only a boy with nothing to prove. Give it up, show your girl she is the one, and honey, you've got her hook line and sinker the rest of your life. Just man up!

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A female reader, Yoga Girl United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

I disagree with some of the answers that were given here, and agree with a lot of it as well. I dress very conservatively and I still get looked over like I was wearing a bikini. Usually I do not even know this is happening until a friend tells me about it after the fact. My husband, on the other hand, cannot go anywhere with me WITHOUT looking over every young woman up and down. He thinks he is doing it without me knowing (he has gone to standing slightly behind me at all times in stores!). While driving, he almost rear ended someone because he careened his neck to get a look at a young girl in shorts who dropped something. Now, he doesn't even know that I have caught onto this, but it is revolting. He has gone as far as watching MTV and other shows late at night that have young girls. What I don't understand is the fact that I am young looking and in shape, and he is very possessive of men looking at me. What gives?????

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A female reader, Yoga Girl United States +, writes (9 November 2009):

I disagree with some of the answers that were given here, and agree with a lot of it as well. I dress very conservatively and I still get looked over like I was wearing a bikini. Usually I do not even know this is happening until a friend tells me about it after the fact. My husband, on the other hand, cannot go anywhere with me WITHOUT looking over every young woman up and down. He thinks he is doing it without me knowing (he has gone to standing slightly behind me at all times in stores!). While driving, he almost rear ended someone because he careened his neck to get a look at a young girl in shorts who dropped something. Now, he doesn't even know that I have caught onto this, but it is revolting. He has gone as far as watching MTV and other shows late at night that have young girls. What I don't understand is the fact that I am young looking and in shape, and he is very possessive of men looking at me. What gives?????

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A female reader, sunshinegirl United States +, writes (27 October 2008):

sunshinegirl agony auntI've set here and read everyone of these. I believe for a man to set there and say "He cant help looking at other woman is a cop out. It shows the world his true character. There are those that denies looking but believe me when your man looks you know it in your gut. If there is a interest then you men werent ready to have a true love relationship. If you men dont like being termed as "Dogs" dont act like one. As far as your excuse of, "Its the womens fault for dressing like that." Not all of us dress like sluts. If a man loves, respects and honors the woman he is with he wouldnt have any interest in someone else no matter if she is wearing a tight top or not. When I am in a relationship there is NO need to check out anyone else. If you find a need to check out other men or women then you arent ready for a one on one relationship. 98% of the women dont want their men to look at other women. So if you men dont want to hurt your woman and the one you are in love with then rethink how socity has drilled into your heads the "Men cant help it" or are your really the mindless idiots that alot of us women think your are??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008):

Uncle Sneaker has it 100% correct. It is eye candy, like looking at a beautiful bluebird or cardinal in the trees. Attractive women look very nice and are very pleasing to look at. This is never going to end. It will not ever become boring, so learn to live with it and be confident that you are the one who he is with and wants. My wife and I both look at members of the opposite sex. I look at other women, but I like to look at my wife when she is wearing her tight jeans and tops even more and she knows it. She even likes to look at hot other women and points them out to me when we are out. Even at her age, she also gets some good looks herself, even from much younger guys.

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A male reader, Uncle Sneaker United Kingdom +, writes (31 July 2008):

Uncle Sneaker agony auntWhat a lot of complicated answers.

I don't think it's complicated.

Men look at women because women look nice. Very nice. Extremely nice. Women are worth looking at.

Just because you might happen to drive the best car you could possibly buy and you are perfectly happy with it, doesn't mean you aren't going to look at a Ferrari when it goes past, does it? You know you wouldn't really want it youself because it's not right for you and wouldn't really feel comfortable, but it doesn't stop you looking!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008):

when you find out the answer let me know. My husband is driving me bananas - i don't get it. I have told him how it makes me feel and he still does it, to me that is not love if you cannot refrain from one thing that makes me, your wife of one year, girlfriend of 11, and mother of two kids, feel absolutely pathetic.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008):

The bottom line is woman compete with woman! Women check other women more than men do. We men are image driven and look at woman because they reveal their body parts (skin tight pants, half the tits out there) which every guy wil take a glance even the 80 year olds its only normal. If woman dont like it than us man looking at your body stop giving us a reason to do it! If you dressed a bit more conservative the problem would go away. So them blame is on you ladies for throwing the dog a bone!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008):

Well, I agree with alot of what is said. It seems that some people agree that if you are not in a good place with your man or just had a fight or taking him for granted, they tend to look more. I'm not sure why, but I have also read this on other sites too!! If you give him attention (like we women like), they seem to reciprocate the attention and place extra focus on you. I was completely betrayed by my ex-husband, so when i got into my current relationship, i had a lot of trust issues and insecurities. I realized that my man is going to look, as will I, but that's all it is. If he's staring and making sound effects, then that's a whole other story. But my man is very subtle in his glances and never makes me feel uncomfortable about it. When i see a nice ripped guy running with no shirt- i'm sorry, but i DO look. It's not like i'm wanting this stranger or thinking of him all day, I'm just taking in a beautiful male body. I'm not comparing him to my man or wishing my man looked like that. And that's simply because I love my man the way he is and that's why i love him- because he is who he is. I have to believe that he feels the same about me. And something that always helps me when i'm feeling a bit insecure or low is that- I know other men are looking at me. I never throw it in my man's face or anything, but its my little personal mantra that picks me up when i'm down. And if i tell my man i got checked out, I can see the twinge of jealousy, and he'll say "jerk." In some respect, i think he's proud that he's got a woman that got checked out. I know this sounds a bit conceited, but you have to think of things in a way that benefit you and keep you positive, rather than feeling low and doubtful. Keep your head up ladies....we're all sexy beings and we need to appreciate our looks and not compare them to others...we only have one life...enjoy who you are because we are all beautiful!!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008):

Hi, You have one of the most asked question by women.

I ask myself this question. We will never satisfy men enough for them to stop looking at other women. ( thats i think)

Men dont understand what they are doing to theirs partners when they look at other women, if a woman look at another man you bloke flips, but if they do it , its ok.

Dont think so!

I get really upset and have anxiety attacks when my partner looks at another woman, i keep thinking im not good enough for him, cus if i was he wouldnt look at another.

I beat my self up about it so if anyone else could help me understand i would like to learn.

( men arent our psciologist, or our doctor they are somebody just to share our body with )

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A female reader, olinda Italy +, writes (24 July 2008):

I'm from italy and reading these I think everyman in the world do it.

so I think i'll never marry in may life.

when I have a relation and I go out with my boy friend I look evreymen around me and he sarts to be jelous.

may he will not stop but at least he will feel like I do.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

but are they thinking of people they see outside when having sex with their partner?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

There's the more primitive alpha male, your typical manly-man who drinks beer, farts, and stares at other women and they really have nothing more to offer, so don't be surprised if you're sitting there bored at a restaurant while he's looking around the room. On the other hand there are a more evolved species of man, intelligent, will fill up dinner with conversation (even better when you actually have things in common with the guy)and focus his attention on you. So take your pick.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

Guess what? To your surprise, there are actually gentlemen out there who consciously choose to not look while out with their woman because they actually care about what hurts their woman. Don't you want a best friend who gives you the reciprocity of what you can give them? If you are able to offer undivided attention, exclusive desire, and monogamy to your partner you sure as hell deserve the equality! It's simple, quit settling for a loser who doesn't give you this respect, get out there, and befriend a gentlemen! As a tip, you won't find him in a bar. Where are these great men? I don't want to take credit for the research, but here is a link with the answers. This is a great site that pushed me to break up with my loser ex who was just making me miserable with his crass behaviors. And for you women out there who say you don't mind your man looking, good for you, at least someone's taking those guys that us other women don't want. So maybe it evens out. For every women who doesn't care, there is a man who will do that in front of you (god knows what they are doing NOT in front of you), and for women who can offer the exclusive attention, don't settle. There are men who will offer you the reciprocal. Anyways, here is the fabulous link. http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/2007/05/where-are-great-men.html

And even if you don't find a man, don't feel obligated that you even need one. Do you know how many happy, vibrant single women go through life doing everything they've ever dreamed without a man? You can find unconditional love in other people, pets, family, friends. And no drama. Live with purpose! and good luck.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

The answer is really simple. Truth is we just can't help it. It seems to be a general consensus among people and the media to seriously downplay mens sexual needs in fear of feminism _ .

Men are not like women, we have a 'much higher' sexual drive than women - but this fact is maliciously downplayed. Men are naturally polygamous, it's not difficult for us to have relationships with more than one woman, in fact we would desire it. Women can surprisingly turn down sex, for us it's a struggle :( .

As for why men mind it when others look at their woman, again it's just how we are. We are extremely possessive and it's just in our nature to do so.

All this may seem selfish, but it's not something we can help. It's an integral part of us that is difficultly being suppressed within us, society's become too ignorant for the needs of 'equality'.

You see it wasn't too long ago that polygamy was a norm. Hell, some wives actually went out their way to look for another wife for their husbands.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008):

men look because if you look good and they got you they can do better they think with there man part i have men friends they tell me and men can have someone they are in love with but they have to keep it open because not alot of relationship work any more

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008):

Hey I stumbled upon this and thought it fascinating. I like also the woman who wrote about not exactly appreciating being the one stared at. I have tried to explain it to the guy I was seeing in these terms. I have explained to him that I have been the one who is being stared at and whether it's ogling or not there is almost always an unhappy looking woman by the side (or a few paces behind him because he can't be bothered to wait for her). And to any guys reading this it makes us, the woman being scrutinized, idealized, and otherwise "ized", feel we should somehow lock eyes with your woman to put her at ease knowing all to well it wont because it's not us but him she is uncomfortable with. And it makes me think, here is a guy who can't commit (ooo the "c" word) to finishing his previous business, be it a break-up and not a lingering squishy wishy washy mess, or be it commiting to realizing a good thing when its there and working to make it last. And what does he expect to get out of it? I mean when it goes beyond staring and suddenly he's approoaching you because he's now drunk and his girlfriend or whoever is in the bathroom or buying another round of drinks and what does he expect?

That you are going to be okay with maybe dating a guy who, even if he does end it with the previous one, will also turn tail on you the moment the relationship leaves the "honeymoon phase"?

Maybe you guys don't realize that now there are more and more women who are willing to put their hearts on hold in the first few weeks of a relationship in order to save themselves a lot of trouble down the line.

My x-guy did this too...stared at other women and then I started looking back and assessing when he tended to do this and it always seemed to come after we had been having hard times. I don't even think he was very aware of it, which is why I think he would do it whether I was there otr not though I would rather believe it was only about making me jealous. If this is true, guys do it to make you jealous, then they are the ones insecure really and are trying to make you just as miserable. Or perhaps they are not feeling loved or special. Whatever the case, if you are hurting the person you are with and say you love than something is wrong. She may not actually be "crazy" or "psychotically jealous". You may be a sadist, enjoy sabotaging your relationships or simply a control freak who thinks the only way to get what you want is to keep her in a constant state of insecurity. Think about it next time you try to think of yourself as an "alright guy", or protective and a safe place for her to fall. Think about the kind of women you attract with this if no relationship ever seems to stick.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

To the Gent who admitted his behavior and then said he did not look so much when alone. That is funny you said that because I had the opportunity to watch my guy when he did not know I was there, and the very person he was looking at while I was there, he had no interest in when I was not... how funny. Thanks for your honesty,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

Everybody keeps on saying that girls look too, but is this weird or not, because I don't look at all when in a relationship. Maybe it's just really strong will power or something, but I do not notice any male creature or thing passing me by when I'm with or without my man. My man is really good about not looking at other women, he will purposely turn his head away or walk in a different direction. I think its because I made it clear that if I have strong enough guts and will to not look at another so on so "attractive" guy, than perhaps he should try not to either with women. The only time I ever feel tempted, is when I'm going through a really rough patch in the relationship, or I have some strong financial problems going on. But that's something totally different, and probably a lot worse than glancing at another guy. I dunno. Anyway, I would have to agree with some of the answers above, saying that if he looks, then you should look ten-fold, because it takes two to tango.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):

Glancing is natural, staring is not.

My girlfriend has complained several times about me 'staring' and I have to plea guilty. I have a really bad habit of doing so. We have just read the entire thread and I learned one thing from it. It really hurts the other person (usualy the woman) when we (men) do that.

Here's what I think; the automatism of 'glancing' or acknowledging is just that, automatic and instinctual. I've started doing it at 11 years old. However, I believe 'staring' for a prolonged time is something that we males learn and make a habit in this society therefore, it is something that we can put an end to with a little effort.

What I find weird is that when I am by myself, I don't tend to stare as much as when I am accompanied. And the second thing is that the more she is jealous, the more I am inclined to look; it's as if it says, 'I really don't trust you' and it makes me feel like shit.

good luck to you all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008):

All of us wonder why. The questions we ask as women are " is this woman he is looking at, does he think she is more prettier or better?", " Will he think of her while having sex with me?" "Will he start to think that maybe he can do better?", "Does he wish he could do better but is settling for me?" Beleive me I have asked these questions. Funny thing is though, this is what I did because I had enough: I started going to the gym for myself not for my partner. I started losing weight and feeling good about myself and I even hired a personal trainer. My guy became paranoid that my personal trainor wanted more and I was checking out buff guys at the gym. I said why do you think this way hun? is it because you do the same things? He did not know how to answer that. He has a thing for latino chicks, so I made it obvious I had a thing for "the Rock" he makes a big issue when the Rock comes on tv. and i flat out said what is good for the goose is good for the gander babe if you can't take it dont dish it out because i give it back 10 fold. His whole attitude changed. Instead of me feeling bad about myself, I made every effort to make him feel the way he makes me feel when he looks at other chicks. Ladies...start taking back your strength and your courage. If your man treats you like crap or hurts you when he stares and stares at other women do it right back and see how it likes it and if he makes a big deal out of it tell him if the kitchen is too hot get the hell out. And if he doesn't mind...while hey ladies look at all the eye candy your sweet tooth can handle...it's time women started controlling how they feel instead of a mans actions controlling how they feel.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008):

I have been wondering about this same topic for a couple of years and had my own insecurities. I soon figured out that the women my husband tends to look at are well...fake. They are covered in make-up and most are toothpick thin... no offense some can't help it, but that is what todays society now sees as the model female. Being overweight most of my life has brought on self esteem issues but I was once told that "it takes all of a woman to bring out the best in a man". And its true, if your not happy whom ever you are with is not going to be happy either. Most humans by nature are rebels, if you say "no", they say "yes", if you say "don't" they say "what if",

I found that not nagging or arguing with my husband has brought him back to reality simply because I would nag and cry and complain and call everything he looked at disgusting, then I just stopped and let it go. Then I found he wasn't doing it anymore. He simply got bored. There was no point because he knew he could. Not all men are the same but when I stopped worrying so much about what he was doing or looking at and took more time for myself and taking better care of myself he began to notice and wanted to be apart of that.And the better you will begin to feel about yourself too. Don't try to be somebody your not cause when you loose yourself in that and come crashing back to earth you will be so confused it can take a lifetime to find your roots again.Take care ladies and gents.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008):

I am glad I read this amost 6 months ago. I married a man who had been on his own for over 15 years and it was his thing to look...but I have found that it is my way or the highway....becaus I KNOW there are men out there that don't do this...I know he loves and adores me and I know the way it made me feel had NOTHING to do with low self esteem...it is just down right horrible, and there is a differnce between noticing and looking, and you know it when it happens. Anyway, if you find yourself with someone who does this, make you happiness the priority because I will never live like this no matter how much I love a man..NEVER NEVER....because without him, there are many other options and fun I could have...either my way, like it or not, or the highway, because I AM WORTH IT !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008):

I used to have this problem as well with my boyfriend. we have been together for a year and i used to always catch him looking at other girls when i was with him. it really hurt and at first, i didnt say anything about it, just kept it to myself. But then it got to a point where it was all i could think about and it always ruined the day. from then on, whenever i saw him looking at another girl and staring, I would say something. every time he would deny it and we would have horrible arguments and sometimes this happened in front of people that he knew and it often turned out that it was my fault? i was paranoid and i needed counselling and there was something wrong with my head and the way that i thought? whenever i confronted him also, the subject of the conversation always turned onto me and i would always find myself apologising for accusing him, even though i knew damn well that he was doing it. i felt like shit and i stopped buying underwear and things for him and our sex life died. apart from looking at other girls, he was a good boyfriend to me and i loved him more than anything which is why im still with him. im so glad that i found this website because i was starting to think that there is something wrong with me. im glad to hear that other people feel the same way and that im not paranoid. ive started to make threats to my boyfriend and say that im not going to be with him anynmore if this continues. i also make big scenes out of it and i have made it clear that it really hurts me. not just when he looks at other girls but also when we watch movies with sex-scenes in them. he used to stare but now he looks away or at me, and i appreciate that. i still get pissed off from time to time when i think that he is looking because i will spot an attractive girl before he does and now he doesnt look as often. maybe its becasue he knows that im going to notice if he does and he doesnt think its worth the drama.

i know that he looks at other girls when im not there and im not really okay with that either. it is cheating as far as im concerned. i have a low self-esteem and i dont know whether i should seek help or not? i feel too embarissed to talk to anyone about it because i feel like im being really paranoid.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008):

Women stare at blokes/guys to, its only natural, so no need to panic, men always get a bad press about being perverts, sex addicts etc and it really annoys me, we are only human, both sexes do it married or not, its part of nature.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007):

Hey guys. Have you ever wondered if maybe we don't WANT you eyeballing us? When we're walking along the sidewalk, and we catch your ridiculous stare, it's very likely that we're also looking at the woman who is on your arm and thinking, "You've landed yourself a loser!"...So keep that one in mind! Put your tongues back in your mouth, and start appreciating the woman who loves you despite all of your ridiculous ogling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007):

i totally understand all the females on this pg....i told my husband im not the only one who felt this way.. and that just cuz his strange momma wanted him to keep in contact with his exes(ya shes doing her damnedest to get her little boy back all to her self)dosent make it right...my husband used to dream of nurses he knew when we had sex(thats cheating in my book)he has also flirted with other chicks in front of me and hae also ogles ever damn thing with tits or an ass. i don't want to go places with him watch tv with him or even play a damn video game cuz he ogles all of them..im starting to get relay board cuz im left with very little i can do...why do men choose to be in a relationship with us yet it seems hunt for better gens...im sick of it, my self after catching an all consuming lusty look to a video game character on a game i WAS relay in to i told him enough is enough. hes receiving the silent treatment right now while i consider if i should stay in this bull shit relationship, funny how i used to think he was the man of my dreams best thing ever to happen to me. i have not been treated well by men, so i thought he was so great. i was wrong im at a point in my life i wont settel for second best any more. i deserve the best, and im sick of settling for what is not.. damn it i want to live.

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A female reader, Fire_Tiger United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2007):

Fire_Tiger agony auntWell, the last boyfriend I had had a TERRIBLE case of the roving eye and was a main contribution to why we split up in the end because I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. Perhaps I also discovered how much of a jealous and posessive person I am, but he didn't try to soothe that, he just played on it. I would try to ignore it but it came to the point where I wouldn't even want us to go out in public together coz he would literally LEER and DROOL and other girls, and of course it would make me feel ugly and like I wasn't good enough. It would put me in a rage. I would even get angry about women on TV, and finally any female that came within eye contact. Everyone told me that it was natural for him to do that because he's always been like that and he would tell me himself he doesn't realize he's doing it but I wouldn't buy that.

So eventually it came to the point where I could no longer take it and decided to break it off - we still see each other now and then (for sex and just to hang out) but I definitely can't be with him coz I'd be miserable all the time. I bet he wishes he didn't have a roving eye now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007):

I think the best way to make your partner feel loved and secure is to act like they are the only one in the room, and to consciously look away when you see an attractive member of the opposite sex walking by.

Sometimes it's an instinct to have a look when someone attractive walks by, but it should stop there. If your partner keeps on staring at that person, they are being insensitive and disrespectful to you. I would hate my boyfriend looking at another woman, but if he glances and looks away, I would be willing to let it go, as long as he doesn't look at every female that passes by.

I've heard lots of times that it has nothing to do with the woman. She may be the most beautiful woman on this earth and her partner would still look so I hope the women posting here won't feel insecure or like there's something wrong with them. It's kind of like when you're driving by in the car, and you see a big attractive billboard. You'll quickly take your eyes off the road and have a look. Not because you want to have an accident or be a careless driver, but because the billboard caught your attention.

I think one way to resolve this issue would be to let them know how it feels. If he stares at a woman, stare at the next attractive man you see. And don't feel bad about it, give him a taste of his own medicine. Chances are, he'll hate it. As long as he does it, you do it too. If you can't beat em, join em. Another tactic would be to take a female friend along next time you go out and ask her to point out a hot guy in front of your man and say yes, that guy is hot. And see what he says. Or how he likes it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007):

I think the whole looking at the opposite sex is normal. ALTHOUGH staring ogling is not.

I have an ex who used to stare sometimes and i would confront him on it & 99% of the time he would deny it, this would make me mad and time and time again we would argue over it, what became ridiculous was we ended up arguing about him lying and not about the subject in hand. I would think if he is gonna do it at least admit it. Though with this ex i felt really insecure with him as he treated me like shit......The next guy i was with im sure done/does it but he was more tactful and as he made me feel loved it wouldn't bother me nearly as much. Basically i think we all look men and woman but as i said above there is looking and staring i accept my boyfriend looking/glancing but id hate it if i saw him stare

Also someone else mentioned sisterhood if i see a couple walking along the road i always look down or away cose i dont want the girl thinking im looking at her man as its another annoying thing to see another girl looking at our boyfriends.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

Wow this thread is old. Alas, I can't help but rebuttal 60% of the posts here about men being pigs. If men that look are pigs, then women that look are....?

No, that last sentence/question actually doesn't mean anything. Always wondered why men are referred to as pigs. Why not toad, or cat, I like cats...

Anyway, I think this really depends on how your companion looks at other females. For example, my youngest uncle is a total horndog and completely disrespects my youngest aunt, his wife on a whim. When I brought my female friend over, he just stood there with a horny expression on his face, checking out her body. I laughed of course, and told my friend afterwards. Now I can tell you that is quite inconsiderate of him - what you probably call a hungry boar?

However, if say you're my girlfriend and we walk down some street and a beautiful woman walks down across from us. I might take a glance, make note of her, and then look away. So does that means I am what you call a "pig" as well?

You have to remember, EVERY ONE, 100% of all human beings on this planet - unless they have some illness or deformality, WILL have some form of desire and lust in varying degrees. EVERY ONE can recognize a beautiful thing or person.

Lets look at it this way: how can you tell what music sounds good to you, and how can you tell what colours match you better, and how can you tell what type of smell you like?

Take it up a notch: Why do you prefer the GT3 RS over the Gallardo? Why do you prefer fiesty women over docile women? Why do you like Spanish castles over Chinese castles?

Take it up another notch: Why do you like shapely fit and muscle-toned women more than 300 pound women? Why do you like Harajuku styles more than trendy westernized styles? Why do you prefer a woman who can stand up for herself over a passive push-over?

Clarifying: There are a slew of factors why men look at other women, when they are in love with you. However, lets look at the partners themselves and the love you speak of. Is the "love" you speak of the delusional "I love you forever and ever and ever, my heart belongs to you for all of eternity, that my soul and all that is me is your's until death do us part" -OR- is the love you speak of the more realistic kind where there is no question as to why and it just is with complementing factors?

If it's the first, one then great, live in your fantasy world and cry and scream that men are all pigs because they look at something else regardless of interest levels. If it's the second one, then great, you have to understand and recognized that it's dependent on how he's looking, why he's looking, and whether you think he is really yearning after some body else, or just taking a glance and making note of it.

Long winded. Fabulous. Need drink.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

I just want to say that I am insecure and have low self-esteem and have been married for over 5 years with my husband who I know loves me to death, but he looks at other women while we are out together (used to anyway, not so much anymore). Men just don't understand that if it bothers a woman, like myself, then you shouldn't do it. I realize that "we both" look at the opposite sex when we're not together (I admit it), that is fine, but "not" when we're together. I have respect enough not to do that and so should the man. He should make "YOU" feel like "YOU'RE" the only one that matters to him. Where is the romance in a relationship if your out with your boyfriend/fiance/husband if he's sitting there "constantly" looking at other women? Again, where's the romance in that? -- Unless you're looking for a Ménage à trois (which I can tell you that most of us are not). I feel a glance or two is acceptable if she is attractive, but it needs to stop there. They don't need to be constantly looking at the other woman 3, 5, 10 times over. It is preverted, inconsiderate, appalling, offensive, and degrading to us. It is just something that a man (who "LOVES" his woman) should not do in front of her, especially if it bothers her. We know you do it, but it really does hurt our feelings when you do it in front of us. It does make me feel that I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough, especially if you're glancing at some other woman more than twice. It's obvious then that you're realy interested in her, so it does make me feel that if I wasn't around and she found you attractive and came over to you because she caught you looking at her 10 times over -- so that must mean you "want" her -- and she tries to hit on you or give her phone number and you're going to sit there and tell me that you're going to tell her you're happily married, have a girlfriend or fiance and "I was just looking at you from afar." Give me a break!! Temptation can be evil and it's wrong and you shouldn't go there in the first place. No man, if he "really" loves his woman, should constantly keep looking at others. My husband's daughter caught him looking at another woman while we were just dating and she got on him about it, and he said that we're not married yet. So what is his excuse now? In my opinion, it scares me to death to think that he is not completely happy or satisfied with me (he says he is with his mouth, but his eyes say differently). He tells me I have nothing to worry about and, of course, the most notorious excuse of them all is that "it's natural." That's bullshit! It's only natural for perverts. I know he truly loves me but is that enough, can I really trust him? -- that's what I wonder. I have walked out on him in a restaurant for looking at "a couple" of different women in my presence and we got into a big huge fight and I think I finally made him understand then where "I'm" coming from. It is the biggest pet peeve I have with him and he should consider my feelings in the matter even if he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. If it bothers us, then they need to stop looking in our presence. That's all there is to it!! For those women who don't care, good for you! I am not that kind of person, can't help it, and he should respect my feelings if he "really" loves me. Which, like I said, he has come a long way from how he used to be, and I am much happier nowadays.

As a matter of fact, if a guy is looking at me too long or over and over again, my husband gets offensive (not when I'm looking at other guys, so he says), so why is it okay for them to look at other women over and over again, but men can't look at us?? Explain that one!!

I know I get offended when a guy is looking at me over and over again. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it, so tell me again why there's nothing wrong with it?

And when a guy is looking at me when he is with another woman, I think "what a PIG!!"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007):

I've had countless heated discussions about this with my partner (now husband) of 10 years. He was very cagey about his reasons for staring and initially claimed that he simply couldn't help noticing attractive women and that all he was thinking at the time was: 'she's nice looking'. I wasn't convinced about this as sometimes he would practically salivate and it seemed as though he became very distant.

Anyway, I pestered him so much that he ended up admitting that he likes to imagine what these attractive women look like naked and claimed that all men do this and its simply admiring the female form.

Now I don't especially want to go out anywhere with this man because I know that when he is looking at another female, he is mentally undressing them. I suspect that most mens porn habit makes them stare even more as they regularly look at naked women on the internet etc and their curiosity gets the better of them.

Now I know that male curiosity about the female form is a natural thing but I am very uncomfortable with all this because I guess, admittedly, I feel insecure about it and feel he is comparing me with them. Especially now that I have had a baby, my body has changed quite dramatically and although he tells me he still finds me attractive, I can't help thinking that the post pregnancy body does not fit society's notion of an attractive woman.

This male behaviour has made me question the idea of marriage as I don't feel that men are naturally designed for it and cannot be anywhere near mentally faithful and struggle to stay physically faithful (i know some men can't even manage this). Trouble is, when men find someone attractive their brains respond and send messages to the rest of the body which makes him feel good. Men don't even seem to realise themselves why they find the female form so attractive. They think it is just because it is a symbol of beauty but it's not just admiring it's an obsession with it and nature intended this to ensure reproduction.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007):

I have no idea! I hate it! And I totally know what you mean. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he even admits to looking at pretty girls even with me. He says its in 'mens' nature to do so. Anyway, I have no answer to your question. Maybe a guy can reply to your question and we will both know why they do that!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007):

hiya, i am so confused just now i really don't know what 2 do i have a 3month old baby 2 my partner, and a few nights ago i new there was sumthing up i asked he said nothing then after about 2 hours he said that he was talkin 2 a girl at his work, and he found her "HOT" i don't know what 2 think will he cheat or not i feel like crap already as i have just had a baby and 2 hear that its so upsetting,i asked him if he was unhappy and he said no he was happy but then said he didn't know i asked again can u tell me that u will never cheat and again he is i don't know, he then told me even if he was unhappy he would never tell me cause he doesn't know how 2 that and would want 2 hurt me he then after a few hours said that he was happy........ but i am just so confused does he want 2 be with us or other women ???

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007):

i have had this happen to me.next time i saw a good looking man i looked. he didnt care.said it was normal. go figure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

Not sure what the answer is on this. My man is going through a very low self esteem issue at the moment and has recentlt been caught texting another girl, prob was he stupidly got the number wrong and sent it to a phone we share! He is going to see a therapist next week as he feels he has some serious low self esteem issues which are causing him to seek female attention. He swears he would never see anything through and just wanted her to say yes so he felt wanted. This hurts me so much but I can see he is being genuine. The fact he wants to work on it shows he is being as honest as he can! Men eh?

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A female reader, lisa21 United Kingdom +, writes (26 September 2007):

this is going to sound strange, but i've never caught my fiance looking at anyone else, infact i spot girls looking at him and i told him once and he turned around to them and asked them what their problem was, i know he likes the attention but i also know he is only in love with me and i know he sees other women but i believe him when he says he doesn't feel attracted to them or think about sleeping with them.

my past relationships were not good, my exs cheated made it obvious they were looking at others, thats why i ended it so it took alot for me to trust my fiance... what i'm trying to say girls, is that not all men are the same... just alot of them lol x x x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

MALE READER

AS A MAN I CAN TELL YOU THAT I USED TO SO IT ASAN ADOLESCENT. MEN DO IT BECAUSE THEY FEEL ATTRACTED TOWARDS WOMEN SEXUALLY. IT IS NOTHING BUT LUST. A HONEST AND COMMITTED MAN WHO LOVES HIS PARTNER WILL NEVER FEEL AND DO THAT.

GIRLS DONT LET YOPURSELVES BE CONNED!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007):

MALE READER

AS A MAN I CAN TELL YOU,

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007):

Fact of the matter is men AND women all look. If you were walking in a garden, wouldn't you notice the flowers. So when men and women notice members of the opposite sex, all they're doing is appreciating the beauty of life. There's no hidden agenda here like some folks would have you believe. If you're that insecure that you can't tolerate your partner looking then maybe it's not your partners' problem but yours. BTW, I am married, have been for almost 20 yrs and my wife will even point out the pretty women that I miss and vice versa. Works well for us.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

im 17 me and my bf have been together a year. i dont know, he hides his eyes when sex scenes come on tv and im always checking to make sure he isnt looking at woman, and even if he doesnt know theres an attractive woman around and looks in the direction just because hes purely takin in his surroundings i still get mad incase he did like it, ok so pathetic? im just really unconfident, but its not like he tells me either hes so secretive about everyting like that, if we was open id accept it better coz he has nothing to hide. like on a cd case his friend lent him theres a room on the cover when u open the case full of posters with naked woman on and i saw it b4 he did and asked him not t look and he didnt, when i was there.. when i walked out the room later on that day i came him 2 c him with it open. he claims he didnt look and was looking at the part behind the cd but doesnt that just scream out that he wants to look or something. i dont understand why he did that when i was out the room. and if he thinks im the most beautiful girl like he says.. he wouldnt do it.. but it makes me feel worse because im more.. well 'cuddley' if u like and all the girls he liked b4 me was like supermodels compared 2 me. thats why im so insecure :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007):

you go girls! guys who do that are just piles of CRAP and you are ALL beautiful women who deserve so much better than that! They're not worth the pain they put us through! If you're with a guy he should believe that you are the most beautiful girl in the world (because he's so in love with you) and NOT have a need to feed his eyes on other women!! Find a guy like that, trust me they're out there!! :-) loves

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A female reader, Another One United States +, writes (18 September 2007):

Another One agony auntDon't know the answer to this one, but it seems to me that most of the women these jerks are with are attractive, intelligent ladies. I really believe these men are--probably not very consciously--doing this to feel better about themselves. I really believe it is a control issue...they control the woman they are able to hurt in this way. I broke up with a man I loved a couple of years ago due partly to this problem. When I look at the situation today, I know that he had many other ways about him that I should have noticed which would have shown that he was not a good partner for me. Well, last week I started seeing him again and was SOOO happy because he seemed different (better). We stopped at a restaurant during an outing. While we're eating, he notices a woman whom he thought was attractive who walked past our table. "Notice" is an understatement. He stared at her until she reached her destination ---somewhere behind me--- actually sitting up taller and leaning out of his seat in order to get a longer, "better" look. I didn't say a word and made an effort to forget it until I got to my own home later that day. I will never see him again. Even if I meet 50 more men like him, I will not see them again if they pull this trick. You may think I will be an awfully lonely woman, but I have known men who do not do this. They are wonderful men who really are able to love a woman. There is NO excuse for this ill-mannered, selfish, mean-spirited behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007):

I am sooooooooooooo glad i found this website! Im 19 and my boyfriend is 25! again, everything about him is perfect, yet he stares at women! all the fucking time! every time we go to the shop, out for dinner anywhere, he simply cant help himself, and to be honest it makes me feel crap and physically sick! im attractive, and looking at his past x girlfriends- they are not that great so he should think himself lucky!! I dont understand y men do it, what they get out of it! and y they are so blatently disrespectful! infact , i take that back, not all men do it, my previous guy didnt! but this one is soooo frustrating, it just causing arguments when we are in public!!

Please, can one guy explain to me the need men feel to do this, when they are hand in hand with their girlfriend!!

If one guy can clear this issue up for me in my head, and convince me to change my thoughts on y my guy does this, i will never moan about men! ever again!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

I have been pleased to see more postings on this since I posted a week ago. Since then I had a very calm serious converation with my husband whom I love to death. I understand after 15 years of being on his own the Habit of looking is just that. But, since I have given up single habits he too has to. Bottom line, I love him with all of me, and it is funny to read, all the guys described on here are loving and attentive, which he is..almost unreal.

I don't care why he does it, but I am not going to be with him if it continues. Not because of any other reason then I cannot live with it. I put a lot of effort into making him feel wonderful about himself and us and I expect nothing less.

I know it will be hard for him to stop and break this habit, but that is his to deal with, not mine to make easier for him. If he feels like he has to be so careful who he looks at, fine, then he has to be careful until his behavior of not googling stops. He will in his changes allow me to relax and not expect or watch for this.

The man who posted recently about take what you want...that is the kind of man who is really far and few between....and a sad life for him....

I am a passionate women who loves sex, more so then most men, I love beauty, men and women, I love to explore and play...and laugh and feel good - and I will only allow someone to share my life who feels the same...respect comes from action, trust, feel good, from action..not words that are not backed by action.

Time will tell on the looking issue...and I will not back down or be the women who sits and turns my head so my man can do his thing...I feel so sorry for her and think he is a pig...if he only knew what a real women thinks of him..I guess he is so insecure he needs to see if he is desired..Maybe just maybe if he would love the women he chose to be with she would give him what he needs..or maybe he doesnt' have it no matter what...

So, just make sure it is him, and not you over reacting allowing old stuff to overshadow what you really see, listen to your gut and don't argue, don't do the drama and tears, don't demand...it is one way or no way...because I promise I see men out there everyday who don't do this...or they are really good and respectful on how to do it and not be noticed, which is great...

Women and men both need to expect more and not settle, then maybe there would be less divorce, less pain...because in the end, life should be about feeling great...these are no redo's with your life, this is not a dress rehersal..this is it, and when you die....what you expected in life is what you get!

Wish me luck, and to you all Happy Days!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

Men look at other women beause women are hot, and nice to look at. We are nothing more than evolved animals, and we have animal desires. Unfortunately, our Judeo-Christian society tries to limit those desires, but that is becoming a thing of the past. Soon whatever one wants, they will be able to have.

That is really living! Not just having to look, but having the power and the strength to take what you want!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007):

i'm so glad i have come across this website today. i been facing this problem recently, with my partner.on probing my partner has always been telling that i have a problem in my head and he deny his disgusting and hurtful behaviour. and for a while i thought i was getting paranoid. but then i started thinking, i am not so stupid to just make things up and i dont feel unsecure at all, because i get guy coming after me all the times.he used to ruin our day out. and guess what?? i used to get blamed for ruining everything and i was the one who was to be blamed at all times.if it was just a mere glance i could understand as well, because we all notice people while shopping or travelling.but for my partner, it was quite obvious of what he was doing.but he would never accept it even though i was ready to talk through it.but for me it did not stop with that. i used to find porn movies on the compter history and him looking on a daily basis at naked woman pictures. also it went on that whenever we used to make love, he would not talk to me,and not be very caring and the lights would also be off.but the sad thing is he never admitted anything. had he done it, perhaps i could have helped him get out of it, which would save our relationship but he has never admited anything. and i have now reached a point where it's been too much put upon me, where i think he is just a dirty and selfish pig!!! and as i have read an relationship expert said that there are 3 important things to a relationship : respect , trust and communication,and they are all interlinked. and this behaviour these 3 important elements.

anyways, all the best to you girls.

sandy,cr4

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007):

I'm so glad that i found this site! yeeeeeh! I'm not the only lady who has a googly eyed gawker boyfriend/partner! Hurrrah! Well ladies...I, like you DONT get it. I am a sexy blonde intelligent talented lady (not being big headed, just been told by others!!) and usually always pull the handsome guy in the room, so I don't understand why my boyfriend stares and oogles other ladies when we're out!! its a nightmare! I work in the creative industry and totally understand about admiring beauty etc and I don't mind my boyfriend looking at a beautiful woman but its when he looks again and again and then checks her out, that really BUGS the hell outa me. it can be anywhere...bar, restaurant or whatever...I've been with him 7 months and our sex life is amazing (which is why I haven't dumped him over his googly eyed ways yet)...but the staring at other women has been going on from day one...in the beginning i put it down to the transition of being a single guy and then moving into a serious committed relationship...but it still continues....problem is...hes almost perfect in every other way...my family, friends and work colleagues think hes amazing and that I'm such a lucky girl!!! I've only discussed his googly eyed ways with my mum and a work colleague as I don't want other people who we both see on a regular basis knowing....my mum has said that I shouldn't put up with it and my work colleague told me to talk to him about it which is what i did...I approached the subject very calmly (ladies NEVER try and approach any subject with a man through anger as it won't work!)...anyhow I explained to him, when we're out and I follow his gaze over to some other blonde and he keeps looking over in her direction, I feel hurt and although I'm a confident person, I can't help but feel insecure by it. I told him that i can't continue to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who does this. He of course said he was completely unaware of it and I told him that even if he really is unaware of it, the outcome of me feeling hurt is still the same. He said it will never happen again, so i guess time will tell. To be honest even when I was single myself, I would be at the gym or going up an escalator on the tube and there would be a couple and the guy in the couple would check me out. I think there is a large percentage of men who do it and maybe it is just like a habit to them, so when we confront them they either deny it or say they are unaware of it as its just a habit they've had for a long time. its such a tricky situation, coz you can be with a great guy and he can still do this, its so hard to know what to do as you can't go on feeling so hurt by his behaviour....I personally think my guy will slip up again, despite him saying that it won't happen again. The minute a gorgeous (usually blonde) woman walks into the room, he cant control his wandering eye. The problem is...I usually spot the attractive ladies first...and then it just becomes the norm now that his eyes will follow over to her next. Problem is he keeps on looking, this is what I have the huge problem with. When I see an attractive man when I'm with my boyfriend I just glance at him and don't oogle him, not like what my boyfriend does to me!.....Not sure what the answer is ladies but I think a clever lady on here said that in order to put up with this shit from a partner, what does it tell you about yourself? She said the women you see, who have partners that don't oogle other women, made the right choice. In other words, they deserve to be with those men. Ladies if we keep on taking it, then we deserve it. Simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007):

I've been with my guy for over a year now and although he is, on the whole, the nicest most caring and considerate person ever, he still has a roving eye.

I know I suffer from a low self esteem anyway and am quite insecure, so it took me a while to point out to him what he was doing. I kept blaming myself and my imagination but on one occasion at a Children's party, I had had enough. I caught him "noticing" a lady who was running around after her children, wearing a low cut top with her boobs hanging out. I was furious and let rip; I told him that if he wanted to eye up girls, then he ought to be single. He told me it was out of habit of being on his own for three years. I think what generally happens is I notice a pretty girl when we are out and I just know that he will notice too. It's like a dagger in my heart when he does and to be honest, it puts me off going out or shopping with him, so as a couple we are losing out on a great relationship because I'd rather stay in than go out and get hurt.

Having spoken to him about this on several occasions, he knows how I feel about the whole thing. He does try really hard not to notice now, but occasionally I will see him looking and sometimes even trying to catch their eye (that is what I think anyway). What next - he knows how I feel and clearly there is some kind of instinct for men to do it (from all the messages on here I can see there are a lot of men that do it). The problem is when they deny it and you constantly nag them that they are doing it. It's a case of letting them know what the boundaries are and that if they cross them, they are out. But with low self esteem, that's not always easy to do. My guy on so many other levels is practically perfect, so I have to weigh up the pro's and the con's of the relationship. I'm not quite ready to part with him yet. Interestingly enough, there is a husband and wife team where I work and he constantly eyes up other ladies and makes jokey comments in front of his wife. She just smiles sweetly and it seems to have no effect on her whatsoever. Is she supremely confident and happy with her man - I guess so. So, there are women out there who don't seem to mind and there are women out there who are slowly getting their self esteem destoyed by it.

I once caught my bf eyeing up my best friend - or so I thought. I kept this to myself for months but finally had the courage to bring it up with him recently. Interestingly enough, he catergorically told me he did not and never would, fancy my friend. So, when I was convinced he was eyeing her up, could I have been mistaken?? It would be great to rig them up with a hidden camera or something that bleeped every time he noticed a woman, just to prove to them that they do do it and we do notice.

Equally, when my gf and I recently went for lunch to a local pub, there was an older man sat in there with his wife. He instantly looked up at my friend and I and kept looking. I saw his wife try not to notice and look at the table and I felt terribly sorry for her. Needless to say, we just ignored him and the fact that he seemed hell bent on getting our attention. Equally though, I have seen women eye up my man when we are out (he is incredibly good looking) and I think, what happened to "sisterhood". If I see a women and man walking towards me now, I make a point of smiling at her and not notice the guy.

To summarise, if the con's in the relationship begin to outweigh the pro's and I still think he is eyeing up women, then I will tell him to go. Also, could it be the men have really low self esteem and that they need constant assurance from other women that are still desirable??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007):

Honestly, when "they" say, "Men look at other women because they are men" whatever.....lame excuse.

Especially, if in a relationship it's uncalled for.

A man who checks out another womens body etc....is a pig.

Not a gentleman. I myself have a very hard time when my boyfriend does this too.

I never look at a man sexually.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Right?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007):

I am so thankful for all the notes posted here. For a year now I have been "trying" to blame myself, but for the past week I have been seeking any and all comments on the web to help me understand all this.

I have recently married the man whom I wish I had known all my life.We are both older (me 45 and he is 53). I am an attractive women and take very good care of myself. Before we hooked up I had so many men who would have loved to date me or be with me. So I know I am worth the attention. My husband is very attentive and affecitonate. We have a passionate love life and both are very verbal in our praise of each other. We spend a lot of energy building each other up as we should. But this one thing..this one &%$*... thing seems to get to me worse then anything could.

Why in the hell when we are out does he need to look repeately at other women. And the thing is, they are not all that great. There was a time right before we got married I almost called it off. There is something he does that makes this ten times worse.

Here is one example of this, I hope it puts the point across because I could post many,but really don't want to.

We were sitting on a bench on a river, he on the right, me on the left. There were two guys and a girl to his right. They were to far to see faces, but you could tell she was wearing seductive clothing, showing her ass...he pointed down the river, my left and said "what is that?" I looked, and it was just a boat, easy to see, plain and simple,, when I looked back, he was staining his Fu****** neck at the three some...and don't give me no shit that he was just looking around. I knew very well the dam game he just played. Make me look one way so he can get a good look the other way with out being seen...right then I said I can't do this...and I called him on it.

He never admited it, mostly because I just said forget it. I am afraid I have messed up, this wonderful mans bad habit is making me nuts. And that is not the only time he has done it, now I don't look I just say huhun...I have tried to look at other men, and be obvious about it, but I think it just makes him do his thing more. I watch men, I watch them look at women or me. And I will say 50/50. Do you men have any idea what women think of a man who is with a women and she gets all his attention? And I am a looker, and I think of him as greater potential for a partner then I would any man I see looking at me if he is with a women. I have so much respect for this man, it is unreal. And then I think what in the hell does she have that makes him not pay attention to other women, then I remember what I know is true. She picked right, she valued herself enough not to be with or put up with someone who cannot keep his eyes at home, who respects her enough to make her his passion.

So for all the post of men on here who think it is so cool to look when you are with a women, well the only women who like it are the skanks and they may be the ones you end up with, so where protection when you are with her, cause give another guy the chace to oogle her and she will be runing for the next cab out of dodge to be with him...

Men and women who are in relationships should not put up with this...it is so degrading to our self esteem...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007):

I've been married for 18 years to a fantastic husband who swears his undying love – but – you can guarantee that whenever we go out, he's looking over my shoulder and making eye contact with another woman. What to do? Hey, and I'm not being paranoid, he acknowledges what he's doing and feels bad... I'm a model with curves and a brain. Help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

The part I don't get is when they look and they deny it or they look and then keep looking. They also will look and then look at you to see if you just saw that they were looking, that is so annoying. I understand that men and women alike all look, but I believe there is a difference, when a women sees an attractive man, they think oh he's hot or good looking, etc and then they drop it in there head. When a man sees a good looking female he looks longer and more times and thinks a whole lot different then a female does. I believe it to be disrespectful and it does cause a lot of damage on a relationship. When a women brings to a mans attention, they either deny it or say I didn't realize I was doing it or it wasn't meant in that way, that's a bunch of bs. They look to see if they can find something better or to see what that women has that there's odesn't. I guess it's just the way, men are set up and there's really not a whole lot women can do to change, I guess we either accept it or like to ruin our realationships.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

I was having breakfast with my girlfriend, and she confided to me how she would hate it when she would drive in the car with her husband and he looks at woman walking down the sidewalk. I told her that not only are men visually stimulated, but the fact that he was looking at another woman does not mean that he loves her any less, or that he doesn’t find her attractive. A man looks at woman, at any woman- because he is visually stimulated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007):

I was having breakfast with my girlfriend, and she confided to me how she would hate it when she would drive in the car with her husband and he looks at woman walking down the sidewalk. I told her that not only are men visually stimulated, but the fact that he was looking at another woman does not mean that he loves her any less, or that he doesn’t find her attractive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007):

My husband has stared, lusted, fantasized and oogled over women since our honeymoon. He did not exibit this behaviour during our dating time; if he had i would not have married him - once we were married his true self came out. I believed he was dissapointed with me and was sad he married me. We had terriable fights about this issue but never resolved it - 20 years later we have 2 affairs under our belt and countless occurences. I don't think men or women should indulge in "other" people it doesn't turn out well for most. We can't help but notice a good looking person, car, house, sunset.... you get my point but what happens occasionally is different then what happens habitually. If your man has a "habit" of "enjoying other women - DON'T MARRY HIM - If you are already married let him know that his hobby can not continue or you will be only a lovely memory. Men with this problem should not get married or be in a serious relationship - they are better off having thier flings (not really but they think so) Over 75 % of marriages experience unfaithfulness - how sad - i belive our liberal views on flirting and lusting and staring contribute largely to this problem. Lets put our energy and attention in to our most important relationship - you will be amazed at how satisfying it is.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007):

While my heart listens with sincere empathy to the feelings of deep frustation, desperation and anger expressed in the question and in many replies, my mind keep coming back to questions such as "If men who want to keep shopping for the latest model should stay single, how many of us writing to this forum would have been born?" or "If there is already a shortage of men in the U.S., and many women who want to get married cannot do so, how much worse would the problem be if men who want to keep shopping for the latest model should stay single?"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007):

My fiance, who is 51, loves to admire beautiful women everywhere we go. I am attractive and give him lots of attention and respect. Our sex life is amazing. But when I tell him I feel bad when he looks at women when we are out...he gets very angry and explodes saying he will not be accused of something he did not do. He says I am delussional and we end up in a huge fight over it. He just doesnt glance...he looks at the woman several times very subtely yet until she glances and notices he is looking. Its like he is looking for them to notice he looks. That is so disrespectful and yet he will deny it 100% of the time. Why do men think we are stupid and blind? The anger just shows the guilt and they try to turn it around to blame us being insecure. Duhhhhhh..perhaps their actions make us that way. Stay single men if you want to keep shopping for the latest model. We don't need that and we sure don't need the pain and hurt it brings. True...do it back..why hold back if they don't.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007):

The plain truth is: even if you were the most beautiful, caring, passionate, etc. woman on the planet, and even if your boyfriend were 100% totally and completly in love with you, he would still look with lust to most other women. Your father does the same, as does your brother, grandfather and your future sons.

You may not like it, but that does not change the fact. You will live 120 years and will never find a different man. Sorry.

Men are very different from women. You cannot understand men by looking at how women think or behave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007):

I've been w/ my boyfriend now for a little over a year, he can be totally affectionate, loving and caring. However, several months in to the relationship i found out that he was still getting in contact w/other women on several dating site's. not to mention a cyber sex site was also found (We met on a dating site). Talk about hurtful! my god! I felt my heart drop down to my big toe I then fell in a state of shock! When i apporached him on the messed up Issue he was totally embarrest and displayed a look of total humiliation, especially when I said I was going to see the content's of the e-mail back to the female, He then pulled the lap-top away from me and unplugged it and shut it down. ever since then I just try to act as if that did not hurt me and I have doughts as well as bit's of anger out burst's twards him, I try not to bring up the hurt "from my big toe" for the sake of sanity and good mood flow. ever since that day I don't trust him. he can't understand why. and trys to make me seem as I am the one in the wrong, I'm sorry if I did not responed to the one above me. I just got excited that finally there are people out there who understand. In any event I know that I am a good catch and am sexy and a good women all around. Thanks. :)

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A female reader, missunsure United Kingdom +, writes (13 August 2007):

Men look at other women because they can, its as simple as that. They know you might well be offended and hurt, but they also know that they can make you feel like an idiot for being that way. Well your not an idiot and the next time your man looks at another woman while your sat there, get up and walk straight out the door, go home, put your phone on silent or divert and take a vath, chill, read a book, visit your friends and Mr I can look if I want will call you and apoogise and if he doesnt thenhe isnt worth the effort, let him try and go with someone else at least you know when you walk into wherever he is, he will be looking at you and regretting being an insensitive prick.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007):

I am a blonde, and I catch my boyfriend lookin at girls from the corner of my eye! So I stop him and say "why did you look at her?" He deny's it every single time and says "i'm the only girl he's attracted to because im so beautiful" But that can't be true because he shouldn't need to look at other girls if he already has one he believes is "the best." No guys understand that it makes their girlfriend feel like they are not good enough, if they need to take a look at other girls. I never check out other guys, and when my friends point them out I could care less it's just like seeing another girl. Also Guys hit on me ALL THE TIME (not to be cocky) but it is SOOO annoying. They even do it right in FRONT of my boyfriend and he gets extremely mad at me and yells at the guys who do it! I can't help it and he still gives ME crap. I think he might be looking at girls because he thinks that since guys hit on me i probably do the same thing. but that is DEFINITELY not the case....ugh

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007):

Men who are with the woman they are involved with or are taking out for a date should not twist their necks to look at another woman. This is rude. There is plenty of time to do this on their own or with the guys. It is disrespectful but most men would take it that the woman who they are with is jealous. This is a lame statement for an excuse to remain ignorant.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007):

Men who are with the woman they are involved with or are taking out for a date should not twist their necks to look at another woman. This is rude. There is plenty of time to do this on their own or with the guys. It is disrespectful but most men would take it that the woman who they are with is jealous. This is a lame statement for an excuse to remain ignorant.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007):

I think my boyfriend looks at women when I am not there as well. That is fine. What bothers me is when I have to look at the back of his head while he is doing so. Or he ignores me. He's told me that it shouldn't bother me that he does this. I really have no desire to do it back. I look at specimens that are worthy, but not when I am with him. I told him that it seems disrepectful to me since I am spending my time sitting there with him, he could at least give me his attention. It makes me feel he is always looking for something better. Yesterday evening, I saw the back of his head way too many times. So I thought that the next time we are having sex, I would just talk about the goodlooking men at the gym. Men are visiual. And women like to talk about what's on their minds. Then when he feels a bit inadequate, he might understand that it is just not right. Lust after them when I am not around or he might find himself in need of watching me while he sits there alone.

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A male reader, Jonty United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2007):

Jonty agony auntGreat answer from miss attitude, if you've got a perfectly good bike, you dont need a new one!

Tell your bloke to stop being greedy, he should be happy with you, and dont live your life feeling inadequate!

Give him a talking to!

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A female reader, MissAttitude United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2007):

MissAttitude agony auntI would say its natural for men to look, and women too, if i see my boyfriend looking at another woman, i ask why and he gets embarrassed that i saw. but ill make the oppurtunity to look at the next guy that passes, fit or not, just to make the point of how it feels. he doesnt like it i can see it in his face and they pretend they dont see you when they do. all i say is if u dont like it dont do it. why look at the menu when youre not going to order anything? xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007):

Ladies, Ladies. Can you not see that men look at other women as an appreciation how they look. The whole purpose of femininity is to be attractive to a man regardless. I got married last year to my gorgeous wife, I did not expect her to cover up head to toe, make herself ugly so to speak. Women should respect men as men. If men used the same oversensitive tones there would be no breeding now would there! I have lost count in the amount of rejections i have received etc, I wish women would appreciate men a little more, can you not see that your insecurities are the issue? Believe me if men based their lives upon how hurtful women have been to them in the past the population would reduce rapidly. The worst thing for me though is that when a women fails at a relationship they seem to blame an entire gender..ie men, and yet discount their partner-ex almost straight away...very insensitive.

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A female reader, Butterflyfly United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2007):

Butterflyfly agony auntYeah I find this puzzling too. To some obviously their present woman isnt's grabbin all their attention. But it's kinda rude to do a bit of window shopping with your lady right there by your arm, her seeing everything. But it can be a fun game too; the more secure the girlfriend is in this situation, the more fun can come out of it, as she can provoke him and ask him without hard feelings involved and understand why the f__ is he bloody looking lol

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

It's one of two things that is the problem when this issue comes up:

1. The women is insecure and lacks her own self-esteem that she feels every other women is a threat.

2. The man is doing more than looking at other women, he is sexually excited and emotionally exploring the idea of being intimate with them.

And then, in the really bad relationships you have the insecure women and the men who seeks sexual excitement outside of the relationship.

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A female reader, Miss_Oz United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2007):

Miss_Oz agony auntI think the last poster said everything perfectly; hear hear, female anonymous.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

Bottom line, is when men look at other girls, its almost as bad as cheating. If you want to look, be single. It is SOO hurtful and SOO disrespectful and men seem to think it* normal. I am an attractive 19 year old, who is married to a 33 year old. I catch him looking at girls and he always says he wasen*t. Truth is, women know. We always know. If you just got caught, don*t say you weren*t. I only makes us more angry. Just say sorry. Another thing men don*t realize is, it pushes women away. The more you look at other women..the more distant we become. In some cases even start losing feelings. I am 19 years old and have NO desire to look at other men. Even if there*s a very good looking guy, I look at him how I would my mom. It*s not fair for a girl like me to have a man that looks at other women. It kills our self esteem more than any man will EVER know. If you get caught, just say your sorry. Better yet, don*t look at all. If you love someone, you should have no desire. Another thing, if your watching a movie with your girlfriend/wife, and an attractive women comes on the screen naked or almost naked, look at your girlfriend/wife. It makes us feel so important and so respected. If men got naked in movies (which they don*t..because women aren*t animals like men and need to see that) you would feel better if we turned our heads instead of watching. You have no idea how special it will make her feel. You will make her day!! But don*t start like acting all horny and kissing her and rubbing her because she*ll think the girl made you horny. Just turn to her and tell her she*s beautiful and just stare at her until the part is over.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

I understand that there are other attractive people around. There is nothing wrong with walking down the street and seeing an attractive person and thinking, "That person looks good/He's a good looking guy/She's a good looking woman" type thing. It is when it is done in a desirable way that it becomes hurtful- more than just an admiration.

The common saying is that it's human nature or that's what men are like. I feel like that is an excuse. I can be with a guy, be totally in love and not have any desire for another man. I can be totally into my man. If I can do it, then it should be possible to be done. Perhaps it could be hard for some to do, but able to be done none the less. If you can't do it then be single. It is a choice.

Just as it is said that a real man doesn't act on it... If he has the control to not act on actually cheating then he should be able to have the control to desire his one woman only as well and focus on her. Again, I am not talking about just noticing that someone is attractive. I am talking about looking at them with lust. I can see a man walking down the street and think, "That guys is attractive" but I do not think something like, "That guy is hot... if I was single, I'd do him. He's definately fuckable" or whatever. I suppose I could but I don't. Why? Because there is something called value and respect and I should have it for my partner simply as a human being. I believe in my choice to be with my partner and love him to pieces.

What happened to friendship? What happened to loyalty? Whatever happened to trust? What happened to actually caring for the one you are with as a person and never wanting to hurt them or devastate them in any way? Whatever happened to believing in something? Whatever happened to wanting an amazing relationship? A wonderful thing is available to us and happens to us when we choose to be loyal and truly love one person, your friend, your partner. The experience of true love and an unbreakable bond is like no other. Are people just afraid of that? Again, it can be passed off as human nature to be this way but I think it is controllable. Saying it is human nature is an excuse.

You don't have to actually touch someone else to stray. If you lust, although you don't do anything about it, or whether you do end up cheating, in both cases, you strayed or it feels deceitful because you are desiring someone else. I know sex is very powerful but whatever happened to truly caring about someone special and truly respecting them? Putting that first. Not this male and female bullshit but seeing someone as a person and caring for them enough that you show them this respect, not because you have to, but because you truly want to. What's wrong with being a good person in that way? There is a cake and eat it too aspect to it when you don't value your partner's feelings.

I am starting to think about what the girl above said, about doing it back at your man. That's the funny thing actually, women are supposed to accept it as that's how men are but if we were to do it, the truth is they would hate it in the same way and want the same respect as we demand. What's good for the goose doesn't seem to apply. Their ego gets bruised just as ours does. No one wants some strange person to feel like they have one up on you or no one wants, just plainly, to think their partner desires someone else. I don't believe in being vindictive but is it vindictive to start doing it yourself or is it just understanding and agreeing on a commitment level? Kind of like the couples that agree to have an open relationship. I think it is the latter, otherwise you are just a big fool and it is like your partner is walking all over you. You should have the choice to do it too. Or choose not do it and decide that the man your with isn't for you.

I just can't help but think that if you were truly valued and loved by a boyfriend/husband, he wouldn't ever want you devastated. He would have strong convictions about what being a good man is all about and display them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007):

Because they ae trying to make you jealous to push your buttons and see if you still care....don't react emotionally, but call him out on it that he is being rude, drop the subject and he will quit doing it to piss you off.

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A female reader, baby_caridee Philippines +, writes (4 July 2007):

baby_caridee agony auntI don't know too. But I guess it's a human nature. I had experienced that situation before. And believe me, I don't like it.

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A female reader, LauraE United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2007):

It depends whether you mean an admiring glance at a pretty girl, or staring for ages. All men look at pretty girls. Women look at men too. This is normal and OK, if it’s an admiring glance. If he stares and stares, and ignores you, then it isn’t OK, it’s disrespectful to you. A boyfriend of mine did that, to the point where I felt like I wasn’t there any more. When I made it clear that this had to stop because I was getting very tired of it, he changed. Be honest with yourself about it – is it just glances? If it is, then you have a problem with your self-confidence. You have to force yourself to ignore it until you get used to it. If it’s not that, then tell him it has got to stop.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (4 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntAgain, I'm with Eddie.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2007):

flower girl agony auntIt's a perfectly natural thing for any male or female to do we all like something that is beautiful, and it draws our attention wether it be art, sunsets, or other people.

All the time they are with you i would not worry about it because if they wanted to be with someone else they would be.

Take care.xx.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (4 July 2007):

eddie agony auntAlthough I agree that many women take their men for granted after they know they've hooked the guy, it's not necessarily connected.

People are geared that way. Men in particular are visually stimulated. They're not staring because of love, it's because they notice an attractive person. It's only disrespectful when you're so obvious your partner catches you. Also, if a person spends no time stroking the ego of their partner, but takes time to notice others, it's hurtful to the one being neglected. The neglected person realizes you still have the potential to notice others but don't bother noticing them any longer. Never get to that stage. If you dote on your partner, they will have confidence you are still attracted to them, even when you notice another. For example, if my wife really likes the clothes a male model is wearing, that she saw on TV, I might buy them for myself. Why? Because the reality is this, she saw him and found him to look good (attractive). If she likes this kind of thing, I'll try to duplicate it. (within reason)

I asked my wife this question a few weeks ago........"If you saw a really good looking guy shingling the roof on the house down the street, would you check him out?" Would the thought that he was hot, register in your mind ?" She said...."Of course I'd look. But only once and I wouldn't let him know I looked"...

Men would look and not care, for the most part. As I always say, to look in normal. To like is normal. To be attracted is normal. To cheat is wrong. To obviously stare when out with your partner is wrong. To notice an attractive person and daydream is normal. To enjoy being noticed is normal. To manipulate that situation so are noticed by a particular person, on a regular basis, is playing with fire.

We can't help what we notice or what thought crosses our mind. We can't help an attraction, it's candy for the brain and an incentive to work on what we've got. We can control what we do though. As you see on this site, many people don't though.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007):

May be they are not getting enough reassurance, sense of being feeling good about themselves, from the women they are with. Some women have a habit of taking their man for granted once they have known that their guy loves them and this is what spoils the relationship. May be you need to take your guy more seriously and spend some time to understand his feelings genuinely with interest.

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