A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Why do married men--or any man for that matter--stare at other women when they want to be with you and they love you and all that stuff? Men are so confusing sometimes I'm surprised I have nerves left. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Yoga Girl +, writes (9 November 2009):
I disagree with some of the answers that were given here, and agree with a lot of it as well. I dress very conservatively and I still get looked over like I was wearing a bikini. Usually I do not even know this is happening until a friend tells me about it after the fact. My husband, on the other hand, cannot go anywhere with me WITHOUT looking over every young woman up and down. He thinks he is doing it without me knowing (he has gone to standing slightly behind me at all times in stores!). While driving, he almost rear ended someone because he careened his neck to get a look at a young girl in shorts who dropped something. Now, he doesn't even know that I have caught onto this, but it is revolting. He has gone as far as watching MTV and other shows late at night that have young girls. What I don't understand is the fact that I am young looking and in shape, and he is very possessive of men looking at me. What gives?????
A
female
reader, Yoga Girl +, writes (9 November 2009):
I disagree with some of the answers that were given here, and agree with a lot of it as well. I dress very conservatively and I still get looked over like I was wearing a bikini. Usually I do not even know this is happening until a friend tells me about it after the fact. My husband, on the other hand, cannot go anywhere with me WITHOUT looking over every young woman up and down. He thinks he is doing it without me knowing (he has gone to standing slightly behind me at all times in stores!). While driving, he almost rear ended someone because he careened his neck to get a look at a young girl in shorts who dropped something. Now, he doesn't even know that I have caught onto this, but it is revolting. He has gone as far as watching MTV and other shows late at night that have young girls. What I don't understand is the fact that I am young looking and in shape, and he is very possessive of men looking at me. What gives?????
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female
reader, sunshinegirl +, writes (27 October 2008):
 I've set here and read everyone of these. I believe for a man to set there and say "He cant help looking at other woman is a cop out. It shows the world his true character. There are those that denies looking but believe me when your man looks you know it in your gut. If there is a interest then you men werent ready to have a true love relationship. If you men dont like being termed as "Dogs" dont act like one. As far as your excuse of, "Its the womens fault for dressing like that." Not all of us dress like sluts. If a man loves, respects and honors the woman he is with he wouldnt have any interest in someone else no matter if she is wearing a tight top or not. When I am in a relationship there is NO need to check out anyone else. If you find a need to check out other men or women then you arent ready for a one on one relationship. 98% of the women dont want their men to look at other women. So if you men dont want to hurt your woman and the one you are in love with then rethink how socity has drilled into your heads the "Men cant help it" or are your really the mindless idiots that alot of us women think your are??
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (31 July 2008):
 Uncle Sneaker has it 100% correct. It is eye candy, like looking at a beautiful bluebird or cardinal in the trees. Attractive women look very nice and are very pleasing to look at. This is never going to end. It will not ever become boring, so learn to live with it and be confident that you are the one who he is with and wants. My wife and I both look at members of the opposite sex. I look at other women, but I like to look at my wife when she is wearing her tight jeans and tops even more and she knows it. She even likes to look at hot other women and points them out to me when we are out. Even at her age, she also gets some good looks herself, even from much younger guys.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 What a lot of complicated answers.
I don't think it's complicated.
Men look at women because women look nice. Very nice. Extremely nice. Women are worth looking at.
Just because you might happen to drive the best car you could possibly buy and you are perfectly happy with it, doesn't mean you aren't going to look at a Ferrari when it goes past, does it? You know you wouldn't really want it youself because it's not right for you and wouldn't really feel comfortable, but it doesn't stop you looking!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): when you find out the answer let me know. My husband is driving me bananas - i don't get it. I have told him how it makes me feel and he still does it, to me that is not love if you cannot refrain from one thing that makes me, your wife of one year, girlfriend of 11, and mother of two kids, feel absolutely pathetic.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): The bottom line is woman compete with woman! Women check other women more than men do. We men are image driven and look at woman because they reveal their body parts (skin tight pants, half the tits out there) which every guy wil take a glance even the 80 year olds its only normal. If woman dont like it than us man looking at your body stop giving us a reason to do it! If you dressed a bit more conservative the problem would go away. So them blame is on you ladies for throwing the dog a bone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Well, I agree with alot of what is said. It seems that some people agree that if you are not in a good place with your man or just had a fight or taking him for granted, they tend to look more. I'm not sure why, but I have also read this on other sites too!! If you give him attention (like we women like), they seem to reciprocate the attention and place extra focus on you. I was completely betrayed by my ex-husband, so when i got into my current relationship, i had a lot of trust issues and insecurities. I realized that my man is going to look, as will I, but that's all it is. If he's staring and making sound effects, then that's a whole other story. But my man is very subtle in his glances and never makes me feel uncomfortable about it. When i see a nice ripped guy running with no shirt- i'm sorry, but i DO look. It's not like i'm wanting this stranger or thinking of him all day, I'm just taking in a beautiful male body. I'm not comparing him to my man or wishing my man looked like that. And that's simply because I love my man the way he is and that's why i love him- because he is who he is. I have to believe that he feels the same about me. And something that always helps me when i'm feeling a bit insecure or low is that- I know other men are looking at me. I never throw it in my man's face or anything, but its my little personal mantra that picks me up when i'm down. And if i tell my man i got checked out, I can see the twinge of jealousy, and he'll say "jerk." In some respect, i think he's proud that he's got a woman that got checked out. I know this sounds a bit conceited, but you have to think of things in a way that benefit you and keep you positive, rather than feeling low and doubtful. Keep your head up ladies....we're all sexy beings and we need to appreciate our looks and not compare them to others...we only have one life...enjoy who you are because we are all beautiful!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Hi, You have one of the most asked question by women.I ask myself this question. We will never satisfy men enough for them to stop looking at other women. ( thats i think)Men dont understand what they are doing to theirs partners when they look at other women, if a woman look at another man you bloke flips, but if they do it , its ok.Dont think so!I get really upset and have anxiety attacks when my partner looks at another woman, i keep thinking im not good enough for him, cus if i was he wouldnt look at another.I beat my self up about it so if anyone else could help me understand i would like to learn.( men arent our psciologist, or our doctor they are somebody just to share our body with )
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reader, olinda  +, writes (24 July 2008):
I'm from italy and reading these I think everyman in the world do it.
so I think i'll never marry in may life.
when I have a relation and I go out with my boy friend I look evreymen around me and he sarts to be jelous.
may he will not stop but at least he will feel like I do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): but are they thinking of people they see outside when having sex with their partner?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): There's the more primitive alpha male, your typical manly-man who drinks beer, farts, and stares at other women and they really have nothing more to offer, so don't be surprised if you're sitting there bored at a restaurant while he's looking around the room. On the other hand there are a more evolved species of man, intelligent, will fill up dinner with conversation (even better when you actually have things in common with the guy)and focus his attention on you. So take your pick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Guess what? To your surprise, there are actually gentlemen out there who consciously choose to not look while out with their woman because they actually care about what hurts their woman. Don't you want a best friend who gives you the reciprocity of what you can give them? If you are able to offer undivided attention, exclusive desire, and monogamy to your partner you sure as hell deserve the equality! It's simple, quit settling for a loser who doesn't give you this respect, get out there, and befriend a gentlemen! As a tip, you won't find him in a bar. Where are these great men? I don't want to take credit for the research, but here is a link with the answers. This is a great site that pushed me to break up with my loser ex who was just making me miserable with his crass behaviors. And for you women out there who say you don't mind your man looking, good for you, at least someone's taking those guys that us other women don't want. So maybe it evens out. For every women who doesn't care, there is a man who will do that in front of you (god knows what they are doing NOT in front of you), and for women who can offer the exclusive attention, don't settle. There are men who will offer you the reciprocal. Anyways, here is the fabulous link. http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/2007/05/where-are-great-men.html
And even if you don't find a man, don't feel obligated that you even need one. Do you know how many happy, vibrant single women go through life doing everything they've ever dreamed without a man? You can find unconditional love in other people, pets, family, friends. And no drama. Live with purpose! and good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): The answer is really simple. Truth is we just can't help it. It seems to be a general consensus among people and the media to seriously downplay mens sexual needs in fear of feminism _ .
Men are not like women, we have a 'much higher' sexual drive than women - but this fact is maliciously downplayed. Men are naturally polygamous, it's not difficult for us to have relationships with more than one woman, in fact we would desire it. Women can surprisingly turn down sex, for us it's a struggle :( .
As for why men mind it when others look at their woman, again it's just how we are. We are extremely possessive and it's just in our nature to do so.
All this may seem selfish, but it's not something we can help. It's an integral part of us that is difficultly being suppressed within us, society's become too ignorant for the needs of 'equality'.
You see it wasn't too long ago that polygamy was a norm. Hell, some wives actually went out their way to look for another wife for their husbands.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): men look because if you look good and they got you they can do better they think with there man part i have men friends they tell me and men can have someone they are in love with but they have to keep it open because not alot of relationship work any more
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reader, q1605 +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Look at how much hub bub this question generated. Gentleman out there. Can you imagine what kind of rise we would get if they knew what we were actually thinking while our eyes lingered just a bit too long
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Hey I stumbled upon this and thought it fascinating. I like also the woman who wrote about not exactly appreciating being the one stared at. I have tried to explain it to the guy I was seeing in these terms. I have explained to him that I have been the one who is being stared at and whether it's ogling or not there is almost always an unhappy looking woman by the side (or a few paces behind him because he can't be bothered to wait for her). And to any guys reading this it makes us, the woman being scrutinized, idealized, and otherwise "ized", feel we should somehow lock eyes with your woman to put her at ease knowing all to well it wont because it's not us but him she is uncomfortable with. And it makes me think, here is a guy who can't commit (ooo the "c" word) to finishing his previous business, be it a break-up and not a lingering squishy wishy washy mess, or be it commiting to realizing a good thing when its there and working to make it last. And what does he expect to get out of it? I mean when it goes beyond staring and suddenly he's approoaching you because he's now drunk and his girlfriend or whoever is in the bathroom or buying another round of drinks and what does he expect?
That you are going to be okay with maybe dating a guy who, even if he does end it with the previous one, will also turn tail on you the moment the relationship leaves the "honeymoon phase"?
Maybe you guys don't realize that now there are more and more women who are willing to put their hearts on hold in the first few weeks of a relationship in order to save themselves a lot of trouble down the line.
My x-guy did this too...stared at other women and then I started looking back and assessing when he tended to do this and it always seemed to come after we had been having hard times. I don't even think he was very aware of it, which is why I think he would do it whether I was there otr not though I would rather believe it was only about making me jealous. If this is true, guys do it to make you jealous, then they are the ones insecure really and are trying to make you just as miserable. Or perhaps they are not feeling loved or special. Whatever the case, if you are hurting the person you are with and say you love than something is wrong. She may not actually be "crazy" or "psychotically jealous". You may be a sadist, enjoy sabotaging your relationships or simply a control freak who thinks the only way to get what you want is to keep her in a constant state of insecurity. Think about it next time you try to think of yourself as an "alright guy", or protective and a safe place for her to fall. Think about the kind of women you attract with this if no relationship ever seems to stick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): To the Gent who admitted his behavior and then said he did not look so much when alone. That is funny you said that because I had the opportunity to watch my guy when he did not know I was there, and the very person he was looking at while I was there, he had no interest in when I was not... how funny. Thanks for your honesty,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Everybody keeps on saying that girls look too, but is this weird or not, because I don't look at all when in a relationship. Maybe it's just really strong will power or something, but I do not notice any male creature or thing passing me by when I'm with or without my man. My man is really good about not looking at other women, he will purposely turn his head away or walk in a different direction. I think its because I made it clear that if I have strong enough guts and will to not look at another so on so "attractive" guy, than perhaps he should try not to either with women. The only time I ever feel tempted, is when I'm going through a really rough patch in the relationship, or I have some strong financial problems going on. But that's something totally different, and probably a lot worse than glancing at another guy. I dunno. Anyway, I would have to agree with some of the answers above, saying that if he looks, then you should look ten-fold, because it takes two to tango.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Glancing is natural, staring is not.
My girlfriend has complained several times about me 'staring' and I have to plea guilty. I have a really bad habit of doing so. We have just read the entire thread and I learned one thing from it. It really hurts the other person (usualy the woman) when we (men) do that.
Here's what I think; the automatism of 'glancing' or acknowledging is just that, automatic and instinctual. I've started doing it at 11 years old. However, I believe 'staring' for a prolonged time is something that we males learn and make a habit in this society therefore, it is something that we can put an end to with a little effort.
What I find weird is that when I am by myself, I don't tend to stare as much as when I am accompanied. And the second thing is that the more she is jealous, the more I am inclined to look; it's as if it says, 'I really don't trust you' and it makes me feel like shit.
good luck to you all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): All of us wonder why. The questions we ask as women are " is this woman he is looking at, does he think she is more prettier or better?", " Will he think of her while having sex with me?" "Will he start to think that maybe he can do better?", "Does he wish he could do better but is settling for me?" Beleive me I have asked these questions. Funny thing is though, this is what I did because I had enough: I started going to the gym for myself not for my partner. I started losing weight and feeling good about myself and I even hired a personal trainer. My guy became paranoid that my personal trainor wanted more and I was checking out buff guys at the gym. I said why do you think this way hun? is it because you do the same things? He did not know how to answer that. He has a thing for latino chicks, so I made it obvious I had a thing for "the Rock" he makes a big issue when the Rock comes on tv. and i flat out said what is good for the goose is good for the gander babe if you can't take it dont dish it out because i give it back 10 fold. His whole attitude changed. Instead of me feeling bad about myself, I made every effort to make him feel the way he makes me feel when he looks at other chicks. Ladies...start taking back your strength and your courage. If your man treats you like crap or hurts you when he stares and stares at other women do it right back and see how it likes it and if he makes a big deal out of it tell him if the kitchen is too hot get the hell out. And if he doesn't mind...while hey ladies look at all the eye candy your sweet tooth can handle...it's time women started controlling how they feel instead of a mans actions controlling how they feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I have been wondering about this same topic for a couple of years and had my own insecurities. I soon figured out that the women my husband tends to look at are well...fake. They are covered in make-up and most are toothpick thin... no offense some can't help it, but that is what todays society now sees as the model female. Being overweight most of my life has brought on self esteem issues but I was once told that "it takes all of a woman to bring out the best in a man". And its true, if your not happy whom ever you are with is not going to be happy either. Most humans by nature are rebels, if you say "no", they say "yes", if you say "don't" they say "what if",
I found that not nagging or arguing with my husband has brought him back to reality simply because I would nag and cry and complain and call everything he looked at disgusting, then I just stopped and let it go. Then I found he wasn't doing it anymore. He simply got bored. There was no point because he knew he could. Not all men are the same but when I stopped worrying so much about what he was doing or looking at and took more time for myself and taking better care of myself he began to notice and wanted to be apart of that.And the better you will begin to feel about yourself too. Don't try to be somebody your not cause when you loose yourself in that and come crashing back to earth you will be so confused it can take a lifetime to find your roots again.Take care ladies and gents.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I am glad I read this amost 6 months ago. I married a man who had been on his own for over 15 years and it was his thing to look...but I have found that it is my way or the highway....becaus I KNOW there are men out there that don't do this...I know he loves and adores me and I know the way it made me feel had NOTHING to do with low self esteem...it is just down right horrible, and there is a differnce between noticing and looking, and you know it when it happens. Anyway, if you find yourself with someone who does this, make you happiness the priority because I will never live like this no matter how much I love a man..NEVER NEVER....because without him, there are many other options and fun I could have...either my way, like it or not, or the highway, because I AM WORTH IT !
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I used to have this problem as well with my boyfriend. we have been together for a year and i used to always catch him looking at other girls when i was with him. it really hurt and at first, i didnt say anything about it, just kept it to myself. But then it got to a point where it was all i could think about and it always ruined the day. from then on, whenever i saw him looking at another girl and staring, I would say something. every time he would deny it and we would have horrible arguments and sometimes this happened in front of people that he knew and it often turned out that it was my fault? i was paranoid and i needed counselling and there was something wrong with my head and the way that i thought? whenever i confronted him also, the subject of the conversation always turned onto me and i would always find myself apologising for accusing him, even though i knew damn well that he was doing it. i felt like shit and i stopped buying underwear and things for him and our sex life died. apart from looking at other girls, he was a good boyfriend to me and i loved him more than anything which is why im still with him. im so glad that i found this website because i was starting to think that there is something wrong with me. im glad to hear that other people feel the same way and that im not paranoid. ive started to make threats to my boyfriend and say that im not going to be with him anynmore if this continues. i also make big scenes out of it and i have made it clear that it really hurts me. not just when he looks at other girls but also when we watch movies with sex-scenes in them. he used to stare but now he looks away or at me, and i appreciate that. i still get pissed off from time to time when i think that he is looking because i will spot an attractive girl before he does and now he doesnt look as often. maybe its becasue he knows that im going to notice if he does and he doesnt think its worth the drama. i know that he looks at other girls when im not there and im not really okay with that either. it is cheating as far as im concerned. i have a low self-esteem and i dont know whether i should seek help or not? i feel too embarissed to talk to anyone about it because i feel like im being really paranoid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Women stare at blokes/guys to, its only natural, so no need to panic, men always get a bad press about being perverts, sex addicts etc and it really annoys me, we are only human, both sexes do it married or not, its part of nature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): Hey guys. Have you ever wondered if maybe we don't WANT you eyeballing us? When we're walking along the sidewalk, and we catch your ridiculous stare, it's very likely that we're also looking at the woman who is on your arm and thinking, "You've landed yourself a loser!"...So keep that one in mind! Put your tongues back in your mouth, and start appreciating the woman who loves you despite all of your ridiculous ogling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): i totally understand all the females on this pg....i told my husband im not the only one who felt this way.. and that just cuz his strange momma wanted him to keep in contact with his exes(ya shes doing her damnedest to get her little boy back all to her self)dosent make it right...my husband used to dream of nurses he knew when we had sex(thats cheating in my book)he has also flirted with other chicks in front of me and hae also ogles ever damn thing with tits or an ass. i don't want to go places with him watch tv with him or even play a damn video game cuz he ogles all of them..im starting to get relay board cuz im left with very little i can do...why do men choose to be in a relationship with us yet it seems hunt for better gens...im sick of it, my self after catching an all consuming lusty look to a video game character on a game i WAS relay in to i told him enough is enough. hes receiving the silent treatment right now while i consider if i should stay in this bull shit relationship, funny how i used to think he was the man of my dreams best thing ever to happen to me. i have not been treated well by men, so i thought he was so great. i was wrong im at a point in my life i wont settel for second best any more. i deserve the best, and im sick of settling for what is not.. damn it i want to live.
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reader, Fire_Tiger +, writes (20 November 2007):
 Well, the last boyfriend I had had a TERRIBLE case of the roving eye and was a main contribution to why we split up in the end because I felt I couldn't handle it anymore. Perhaps I also discovered how much of a jealous and posessive person I am, but he didn't try to soothe that, he just played on it. I would try to ignore it but it came to the point where I wouldn't even want us to go out in public together coz he would literally LEER and DROOL and other girls, and of course it would make me feel ugly and like I wasn't good enough. It would put me in a rage. I would even get angry about women on TV, and finally any female that came within eye contact. Everyone told me that it was natural for him to do that because he's always been like that and he would tell me himself he doesn't realize he's doing it but I wouldn't buy that.
So eventually it came to the point where I could no longer take it and decided to break it off - we still see each other now and then (for sex and just to hang out) but I definitely can't be with him coz I'd be miserable all the time. I bet he wishes he didn't have a roving eye now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): I think the best way to make your partner feel loved and secure is to act like they are the only one in the room, and to consciously look away when you see an attractive member of the opposite sex walking by.Sometimes it's an instinct to have a look when someone attractive walks by, but it should stop there. If your partner keeps on staring at that person, they are being insensitive and disrespectful to you. I would hate my boyfriend looking at another woman, but if he glances and looks away, I would be willing to let it go, as long as he doesn't look at every female that passes by. I've heard lots of times that it has nothing to do with the woman. She may be the most beautiful woman on this earth and her partner would still look so I hope the women posting here won't feel insecure or like there's something wrong with them. It's kind of like when you're driving by in the car, and you see a big attractive billboard. You'll quickly take your eyes off the road and have a look. Not because you want to have an accident or be a careless driver, but because the billboard caught your attention.I think one way to resolve this issue would be to let them know how it feels. If he stares at a woman, stare at the next attractive man you see. And don't feel bad about it, give him a taste of his own medicine. Chances are, he'll hate it. As long as he does it, you do it too. If you can't beat em, join em. Another tactic would be to take a female friend along next time you go out and ask her to point out a hot guy in front of your man and say yes, that guy is hot. And see what he says. Or how he likes it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): I think the whole looking at the opposite sex is normal. ALTHOUGH staring ogling is not.
I have an ex who used to stare sometimes and i would confront him on it & 99% of the time he would deny it, this would make me mad and time and time again we would argue over it, what became ridiculous was we ended up arguing about him lying and not about the subject in hand. I would think if he is gonna do it at least admit it. Though with this ex i felt really insecure with him as he treated me like shit......The next guy i was with im sure done/does it but he was more tactful and as he made me feel loved it wouldn't bother me nearly as much. Basically i think we all look men and woman but as i said above there is looking and staring i accept my boyfriend looking/glancing but id hate it if i saw him stare
Also someone else mentioned sisterhood if i see a couple walking along the road i always look down or away cose i dont want the girl thinking im looking at her man as its another annoying thing to see another girl looking at our boyfriends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): Wow this thread is old. Alas, I can't help but rebuttal 60% of the posts here about men being pigs. If men that look are pigs, then women that look are....?
No, that last sentence/question actually doesn't mean anything. Always wondered why men are referred to as pigs. Why not toad, or cat, I like cats...
Anyway, I think this really depends on how your companion looks at other females. For example, my youngest uncle is a total horndog and completely disrespects my youngest aunt, his wife on a whim. When I brought my female friend over, he just stood there with a horny expression on his face, checking out her body. I laughed of course, and told my friend afterwards. Now I can tell you that is quite inconsiderate of him - what you probably call a hungry boar?
However, if say you're my girlfriend and we walk down some street and a beautiful woman walks down across from us. I might take a glance, make note of her, and then look away. So does that means I am what you call a "pig" as well?
You have to remember, EVERY ONE, 100% of all human beings on this planet - unless they have some illness or deformality, WILL have some form of desire and lust in varying degrees. EVERY ONE can recognize a beautiful thing or person.
Lets look at it this way: how can you tell what music sounds good to you, and how can you tell what colours match you better, and how can you tell what type of smell you like?
Take it up a notch: Why do you prefer the GT3 RS over the Gallardo? Why do you prefer fiesty women over docile women? Why do you like Spanish castles over Chinese castles?
Take it up another notch: Why do you like shapely fit and muscle-toned women more than 300 pound women? Why do you like Harajuku styles more than trendy westernized styles? Why do you prefer a woman who can stand up for herself over a passive push-over?
Clarifying: There are a slew of factors why men look at other women, when they are in love with you. However, lets look at the partners themselves and the love you speak of. Is the "love" you speak of the delusional "I love you forever and ever and ever, my heart belongs to you for all of eternity, that my soul and all that is me is your's until death do us part" -OR- is the love you speak of the more realistic kind where there is no question as to why and it just is with complementing factors?
If it's the first, one then great, live in your fantasy world and cry and scream that men are all pigs because they look at something else regardless of interest levels. If it's the second one, then great, you have to understand and recognized that it's dependent on how he's looking, why he's looking, and whether you think he is really yearning after some body else, or just taking a glance and making note of it.
Long winded. Fabulous. Need drink.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I just want to say that I am insecure and have low self-esteem and have been married for over 5 years with my husband who I know loves me to death, but he looks at other women while we are out together (used to anyway, not so much anymore). Men just don't understand that if it bothers a woman, like myself, then you shouldn't do it. I realize that "we both" look at the opposite sex when we're not together (I admit it), that is fine, but "not" when we're together. I have respect enough not to do that and so should the man. He should make "YOU" feel like "YOU'RE" the only one that matters to him. Where is the romance in a relationship if your out with your boyfriend/fiance/husband if he's sitting there "constantly" looking at other women? Again, where's the romance in that? -- Unless you're looking for a Ménage à trois (which I can tell you that most of us are not). I feel a glance or two is acceptable if she is attractive, but it needs to stop there. They don't need to be constantly looking at the other woman 3, 5, 10 times over. It is preverted, inconsiderate, appalling, offensive, and degrading to us. It is just something that a man (who "LOVES" his woman) should not do in front of her, especially if it bothers her. We know you do it, but it really does hurt our feelings when you do it in front of us. It does make me feel that I'm not worthy enough or good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough, especially if you're glancing at some other woman more than twice. It's obvious then that you're realy interested in her, so it does make me feel that if I wasn't around and she found you attractive and came over to you because she caught you looking at her 10 times over -- so that must mean you "want" her -- and she tries to hit on you or give her phone number and you're going to sit there and tell me that you're going to tell her you're happily married, have a girlfriend or fiance and "I was just looking at you from afar." Give me a break!! Temptation can be evil and it's wrong and you shouldn't go there in the first place. No man, if he "really" loves his woman, should constantly keep looking at others. My husband's daughter caught him looking at another woman while we were just dating and she got on him about it, and he said that we're not married yet. So what is his excuse now? In my opinion, it scares me to death to think that he is not completely happy or satisfied with me (he says he is with his mouth, but his eyes say differently). He tells me I have nothing to worry about and, of course, the most notorious excuse of them all is that "it's natural." That's bullshit! It's only natural for perverts. I know he truly loves me but is that enough, can I really trust him? -- that's what I wonder. I have walked out on him in a restaurant for looking at "a couple" of different women in my presence and we got into a big huge fight and I think I finally made him understand then where "I'm" coming from. It is the biggest pet peeve I have with him and he should consider my feelings in the matter even if he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. If it bothers us, then they need to stop looking in our presence. That's all there is to it!! For those women who don't care, good for you! I am not that kind of person, can't help it, and he should respect my feelings if he "really" loves me. Which, like I said, he has come a long way from how he used to be, and I am much happier nowadays.As a matter of fact, if a guy is looking at me too long or over and over again, my husband gets offensive (not when I'm looking at other guys, so he says), so why is it okay for them to look at other women over and over again, but men can't look at us?? Explain that one!!I know I get offended when a guy is looking at me over and over again. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like it, so tell me again why there's nothing wrong with it?And when a guy is looking at me when he is with another woman, I think "what a PIG!!"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): I've had countless heated discussions about this with my partner (now husband) of 10 years. He was very cagey about his reasons for staring and initially claimed that he simply couldn't help noticing attractive women and that all he was thinking at the time was: 'she's nice looking'. I wasn't convinced about this as sometimes he would practically salivate and it seemed as though he became very distant.
Anyway, I pestered him so much that he ended up admitting that he likes to imagine what these attractive women look like naked and claimed that all men do this and its simply admiring the female form.
Now I don't especially want to go out anywhere with this man because I know that when he is looking at another female, he is mentally undressing them. I suspect that most mens porn habit makes them stare even more as they regularly look at naked women on the internet etc and their curiosity gets the better of them.
Now I know that male curiosity about the female form is a natural thing but I am very uncomfortable with all this because I guess, admittedly, I feel insecure about it and feel he is comparing me with them. Especially now that I have had a baby, my body has changed quite dramatically and although he tells me he still finds me attractive, I can't help thinking that the post pregnancy body does not fit society's notion of an attractive woman.
This male behaviour has made me question the idea of marriage as I don't feel that men are naturally designed for it and cannot be anywhere near mentally faithful and struggle to stay physically faithful (i know some men can't even manage this). Trouble is, when men find someone attractive their brains respond and send messages to the rest of the body which makes him feel good. Men don't even seem to realise themselves why they find the female form so attractive. They think it is just because it is a symbol of beauty but it's not just admiring it's an obsession with it and nature intended this to ensure reproduction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): I have no idea! I hate it! And I totally know what you mean. I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he even admits to looking at pretty girls even with me. He says its in 'mens' nature to do so. Anyway, I have no answer to your question. Maybe a guy can reply to your question and we will both know why they do that!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): hiya, i am so confused just now i really don't know what 2 do i have a 3month old baby 2 my partner, and a few nights ago i new there was sumthing up i asked he said nothing then after about 2 hours he said that he was talkin 2 a girl at his work, and he found her "HOT" i don't know what 2 think will he cheat or not i feel like crap already as i have just had a baby and 2 hear that its so upsetting,i asked him if he was unhappy and he said no he was happy but then said he didn't know i asked again can u tell me that u will never cheat and again he is i don't know, he then told me even if he was unhappy he would never tell me cause he doesn't know how 2 that and would want 2 hurt me he then after a few hours said that he was happy........ but i am just so confused does he want 2 be with us or other women ???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): i have had this happen to me.next time i saw a good looking man i looked. he didnt care.said it was normal. go figure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): Not sure what the answer is on this. My man is going through a very low self esteem issue at the moment and has recentlt been caught texting another girl, prob was he stupidly got the number wrong and sent it to a phone we share! He is going to see a therapist next week as he feels he has some serious low self esteem issues which are causing him to seek female attention. He swears he would never see anything through and just wanted her to say yes so he felt wanted. This hurts me so much but I can see he is being genuine. The fact he wants to work on it shows he is being as honest as he can! Men eh?
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female
reader, lisa21 +, writes (26 September 2007):
this is going to sound strange, but i've never caught my fiance looking at anyone else, infact i spot girls looking at him and i told him once and he turned around to them and asked them what their problem was, i know he likes the attention but i also know he is only in love with me and i know he sees other women but i believe him when he says he doesn't feel attracted to them or think about sleeping with them.
my past relationships were not good, my exs cheated made it obvious they were looking at others, thats why i ended it so it took alot for me to trust my fiance... what i'm trying to say girls, is that not all men are the same... just alot of them lol x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): MALE READER AS A MAN I CAN TELL YOU THAT I USED TO SO IT ASAN ADOLESCENT. MEN DO IT BECAUSE THEY FEEL ATTRACTED TOWARDS WOMEN SEXUALLY. IT IS NOTHING BUT LUST. A HONEST AND COMMITTED MAN WHO LOVES HIS PARTNER WILL NEVER FEEL AND DO THAT.GIRLS DONT LET YOPURSELVES BE CONNED!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): MALE READER AS A MAN I CAN TELL YOU,
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): Fact of the matter is men AND women all look. If you were walking in a garden, wouldn't you notice the flowers. So when men and women notice members of the opposite sex, all they're doing is appreciating the beauty of life. There's no hidden agenda here like some folks would have you believe. If you're that insecure that you can't tolerate your partner looking then maybe it's not your partners' problem but yours. BTW, I am married, have been for almost 20 yrs and my wife will even point out the pretty women that I miss and vice versa. Works well for us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): im 17 me and my bf have been together a year. i dont know, he hides his eyes when sex scenes come on tv and im always checking to make sure he isnt looking at woman, and even if he doesnt know theres an attractive woman around and looks in the direction just because hes purely takin in his surroundings i still get mad incase he did like it, ok so pathetic? im just really unconfident, but its not like he tells me either hes so secretive about everyting like that, if we was open id accept it better coz he has nothing to hide. like on a cd case his friend lent him theres a room on the cover when u open the case full of posters with naked woman on and i saw it b4 he did and asked him not t look and he didnt, when i was there.. when i walked out the room later on that day i came him 2 c him with it open. he claims he didnt look and was looking at the part behind the cd but doesnt that just scream out that he wants to look or something. i dont understand why he did that when i was out the room. and if he thinks im the most beautiful girl like he says.. he wouldnt do it.. but it makes me feel worse because im more.. well 'cuddley' if u like and all the girls he liked b4 me was like supermodels compared 2 me. thats why im so insecure :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): you go girls! guys who do that are just piles of CRAP and you are ALL beautiful women who deserve so much better than that! They're not worth the pain they put us through! If you're with a guy he should believe that you are the most beautiful girl in the world (because he's so in love with you) and NOT have a need to feed his eyes on other women!! Find a guy like that, trust me they're out there!! :-) loves
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reader, Another One +, writes (18 September 2007):
 Don't know the answer to this one, but it seems to me that most of the women these jerks are with are attractive, intelligent ladies. I really believe these men are--probably not very consciously--doing this to feel better about themselves. I really believe it is a control issue...they control the woman they are able to hurt in this way. I broke up with a man I loved a couple of years ago due partly to this problem. When I look at the situation today, I know that he had many other ways about him that I should have noticed which would have shown that he was not a good partner for me. Well, last week I started seeing him again and was SOOO happy because he seemed different (better). We stopped at a restaurant during an outing. While we're eating, he notices a woman whom he thought was attractive who walked past our table. "Notice" is an understatement. He stared at her until she reached her destination ---somewhere behind me--- actually sitting up taller and leaning out of his seat in order to get a longer, "better" look. I didn't say a word and made an effort to forget it until I got to my own home later that day. I will never see him again. Even if I meet 50 more men like him, I will not see them again if they pull this trick. You may think I will be an awfully lonely woman, but I have known men who do not do this. They are wonderful men who really are able to love a woman. There is NO excuse for this ill-mannered, selfish, mean-spirited behavior.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): I am sooooooooooooo glad i found this website! Im 19 and my boyfriend is 25! again, everything about him is perfect, yet he stares at women! all the fucking time! every time we go to the shop, out for dinner anywhere, he simply cant help himself, and to be honest it makes me feel crap and physically sick! im attractive, and looking at his past x girlfriends- they are not that great so he should think himself lucky!! I dont understand y men do it, what they get out of it! and y they are so blatently disrespectful! infact , i take that back, not all men do it, my previous guy didnt! but this one is soooo frustrating, it just causing arguments when we are in public!!
Please, can one guy explain to me the need men feel to do this, when they are hand in hand with their girlfriend!!
If one guy can clear this issue up for me in my head, and convince me to change my thoughts on y my guy does this, i will never moan about men! ever again!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): I have been pleased to see more postings on this since I posted a week ago. Since then I had a very calm serious converation with my husband whom I love to death. I understand after 15 years of being on his own the Habit of looking is just that. But, since I have given up single habits he too has to. Bottom line, I love him with all of me, and it is funny to read, all the guys described on here are loving and attentive, which he is..almost unreal.I don't care why he does it, but I am not going to be with him if it continues. Not because of any other reason then I cannot live with it. I put a lot of effort into making him feel wonderful about himself and us and I expect nothing less. I know it will be hard for him to stop and break this habit, but that is his to deal with, not mine to make easier for him. If he feels like he has to be so careful who he looks at, fine, then he has to be careful until his behavior of not googling stops. He will in his changes allow me to relax and not expect or watch for this.The man who posted recently about take what you want...that is the kind of man who is really far and few between....and a sad life for him....I am a passionate women who loves sex, more so then most men, I love beauty, men and women, I love to explore and play...and laugh and feel good - and I will only allow someone to share my life who feels the same...respect comes from action, trust, feel good, from action..not words that are not backed by action.Time will tell on the looking issue...and I will not back down or be the women who sits and turns my head so my man can do his thing...I feel so sorry for her and think he is a pig...if he only knew what a real women thinks of him..I guess he is so insecure he needs to see if he is desired..Maybe just maybe if he would love the women he chose to be with she would give him what he needs..or maybe he doesnt' have it no matter what...So, just make sure it is him, and not you over reacting allowing old stuff to overshadow what you really see, listen to your gut and don't argue, don't do the drama and tears, don't demand...it is one way or no way...because I promise I see men out there everyday who don't do this...or they are really good and respectful on how to do it and not be noticed, which is great...Women and men both need to expect more and not settle, then maybe there would be less divorce, less pain...because in the end, life should be about feeling great...these are no redo's with your life, this is not a dress rehersal..this is it, and when you die....what you expected in life is what you get!Wish me luck, and to you all Happy Days!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): Men look at other women beause women are hot, and nice to look at. We are nothing more than evolved animals, and we have animal desires. Unfortunately, our Judeo-Christian society tries to limit those desires, but that is becoming a thing of the past. Soon whatever one wants, they will be able to have. That is really living! Not just having to look, but having the power and the strength to take what you want!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): i'm so glad i have come across this website today. i been facing this problem recently, with my partner.on probing my partner has always been telling that i have a problem in my head and he deny his disgusting and hurtful behaviour. and for a while i thought i was getting paranoid. but then i started thinking, i am not so stupid to just make things up and i dont feel unsecure at all, because i get guy coming after me all the times.he used to ruin our day out. and guess what?? i used to get blamed for ruining everything and i was the one who was to be blamed at all times.if it was just a mere glance i could understand as well, because we all notice people while shopping or travelling.but for my partner, it was quite obvious of what he was doing.but he would never accept it even though i was ready to talk through it.but for me it did not stop with that. i used to find porn movies on the compter history and him looking on a daily basis at naked woman pictures. also it went on that whenever we used to make love, he would not talk to me,and not be very caring and the lights would also be off.but the sad thing is he never admitted anything. had he done it, perhaps i could have helped him get out of it, which would save our relationship but he has never admited anything. and i have now reached a point where it's been too much put upon me, where i think he is just a dirty and selfish pig!!! and as i have read an relationship expert said that there are 3 important things to a relationship : respect , trust and communication,and they are all interlinked. and this behaviour these 3 important elements.
anyways, all the best to you girls.
sandy,cr4
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): I'm so glad that i found this site! yeeeeeh! I'm not the only lady who has a googly eyed gawker boyfriend/partner! Hurrrah! Well ladies...I, like you DONT get it. I am a sexy blonde intelligent talented lady (not being big headed, just been told by others!!) and usually always pull the handsome guy in the room, so I don't understand why my boyfriend stares and oogles other ladies when we're out!! its a nightmare! I work in the creative industry and totally understand about admiring beauty etc and I don't mind my boyfriend looking at a beautiful woman but its when he looks again and again and then checks her out, that really BUGS the hell outa me. it can be anywhere...bar, restaurant or whatever...I've been with him 7 months and our sex life is amazing (which is why I haven't dumped him over his googly eyed ways yet)...but the staring at other women has been going on from day one...in the beginning i put it down to the transition of being a single guy and then moving into a serious committed relationship...but it still continues....problem is...hes almost perfect in every other way...my family, friends and work colleagues think hes amazing and that I'm such a lucky girl!!! I've only discussed his googly eyed ways with my mum and a work colleague as I don't want other people who we both see on a regular basis knowing....my mum has said that I shouldn't put up with it and my work colleague told me to talk to him about it which is what i did...I approached the subject very calmly (ladies NEVER try and approach any subject with a man through anger as it won't work!)...anyhow I explained to him, when we're out and I follow his gaze over to some other blonde and he keeps looking over in her direction, I feel hurt and although I'm a confident person, I can't help but feel insecure by it. I told him that i can't continue to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who does this. He of course said he was completely unaware of it and I told him that even if he really is unaware of it, the outcome of me feeling hurt is still the same. He said it will never happen again, so i guess time will tell. To be honest even when I was single myself, I would be at the gym or going up an escalator on the tube and there would be a couple and the guy in the couple would check me out. I think there is a large percentage of men who do it and maybe it is just like a habit to them, so when we confront them they either deny it or say they are unaware of it as its just a habit they've had for a long time. its such a tricky situation, coz you can be with a great guy and he can still do this, its so hard to know what to do as you can't go on feeling so hurt by his behaviour....I personally think my guy will slip up again, despite him saying that it won't happen again. The minute a gorgeous (usually blonde) woman walks into the room, he cant control his wandering eye. The problem is...I usually spot the attractive ladies first...and then it just becomes the norm now that his eyes will follow over to her next. Problem is he keeps on looking, this is what I have the huge problem with. When I see an attractive man when I'm with my boyfriend I just glance at him and don't oogle him, not like what my boyfriend does to me!.....Not sure what the answer is ladies but I think a clever lady on here said that in order to put up with this shit from a partner, what does it tell you about yourself? She said the women you see, who have partners that don't oogle other women, made the right choice. In other words, they deserve to be with those men. Ladies if we keep on taking it, then we deserve it. Simple.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): I've been with my guy for over a year now and although he is, on the whole, the nicest most caring and considerate person ever, he still has a roving eye.I know I suffer from a low self esteem anyway and am quite insecure, so it took me a while to point out to him what he was doing. I kept blaming myself and my imagination but on one occasion at a Children's party, I had had enough. I caught him "noticing" a lady who was running around after her children, wearing a low cut top with her boobs hanging out. I was furious and let rip; I told him that if he wanted to eye up girls, then he ought to be single. He told me it was out of habit of being on his own for three years. I think what generally happens is I notice a pretty girl when we are out and I just know that he will notice too. It's like a dagger in my heart when he does and to be honest, it puts me off going out or shopping with him, so as a couple we are losing out on a great relationship because I'd rather stay in than go out and get hurt. Having spoken to him about this on several occasions, he knows how I feel about the whole thing. He does try really hard not to notice now, but occasionally I will see him looking and sometimes even trying to catch their eye (that is what I think anyway). What next - he knows how I feel and clearly there is some kind of instinct for men to do it (from all the messages on here I can see there are a lot of men that do it). The problem is when they deny it and you constantly nag them that they are doing it. It's a case of letting them know what the boundaries are and that if they cross them, they are out. But with low self esteem, that's not always easy to do. My guy on so many other levels is practically perfect, so I have to weigh up the pro's and the con's of the relationship. I'm not quite ready to part with him yet. Interestingly enough, there is a husband and wife team where I work and he constantly eyes up other ladies and makes jokey comments in front of his wife. She just smiles sweetly and it seems to have no effect on her whatsoever. Is she supremely confident and happy with her man - I guess so. So, there are women out there who don't seem to mind and there are women out there who are slowly getting their self esteem destoyed by it. I once caught my bf eyeing up my best friend - or so I thought. I kept this to myself for months but finally had the courage to bring it up with him recently. Interestingly enough, he catergorically told me he did not and never would, fancy my friend. So, when I was convinced he was eyeing her up, could I have been mistaken?? It would be great to rig them up with a hidden camera or something that bleeped every time he noticed a woman, just to prove to them that they do do it and we do notice. Equally, when my gf and I recently went for lunch to a local pub, there was an older man sat in there with his wife. He instantly looked up at my friend and I and kept looking. I saw his wife try not to notice and look at the table and I felt terribly sorry for her. Needless to say, we just ignored him and the fact that he seemed hell bent on getting our attention. Equally though, I have seen women eye up my man when we are out (he is incredibly good looking) and I think, what happened to "sisterhood". If I see a women and man walking towards me now, I make a point of smiling at her and not notice the guy. To summarise, if the con's in the relationship begin to outweigh the pro's and I still think he is eyeing up women, then I will tell him to go. Also, could it be the men have really low self esteem and that they need constant assurance from other women that are still desirable??
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Honestly, when "they" say, "Men look at other women because they are men" whatever.....lame excuse. Especially, if in a relationship it's uncalled for. A man who checks out another womens body etc....is a pig. Not a gentleman. I myself have a very hard time when my boyfriend does this too. I never look at a man sexually. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): I am so thankful for all the notes posted here. For a year now I have been "trying" to blame myself, but for the past week I have been seeking any and all comments on the web to help me understand all this.
I have recently married the man whom I wish I had known all my life.We are both older (me 45 and he is 53). I am an attractive women and take very good care of myself. Before we hooked up I had so many men who would have loved to date me or be with me. So I know I am worth the attention. My husband is very attentive and affecitonate. We have a passionate love life and both are very verbal in our praise of each other. We spend a lot of energy building each other up as we should. But this one thing..this one &%$*... thing seems to get to me worse then anything could.
Why in the hell when we are out does he need to look repeately at other women. And the thing is, they are not all that great. There was a time right before we got married I almost called it off. There is something he does that makes this ten times worse.
Here is one example of this, I hope it puts the point across because I could post many,but really don't want to.
We were sitting on a bench on a river, he on the right, me on the left. There were two guys and a girl to his right. They were to far to see faces, but you could tell she was wearing seductive clothing, showing her ass...he pointed down the river, my left and said "what is that?" I looked, and it was just a boat, easy to see, plain and simple,, when I looked back, he was staining his Fu****** neck at the three some...and don't give me no shit that he was just looking around. I knew very well the dam game he just played. Make me look one way so he can get a good look the other way with out being seen...right then I said I can't do this...and I called him on it.
He never admited it, mostly because I just said forget it. I am afraid I have messed up, this wonderful mans bad habit is making me nuts. And that is not the only time he has done it, now I don't look I just say huhun...I have tried to look at other men, and be obvious about it, but I think it just makes him do his thing more. I watch men, I watch them look at women or me. And I will say 50/50. Do you men have any idea what women think of a man who is with a women and she gets all his attention? And I am a looker, and I think of him as greater potential for a partner then I would any man I see looking at me if he is with a women. I have so much respect for this man, it is unreal. And then I think what in the hell does she have that makes him not pay attention to other women, then I remember what I know is true. She picked right, she valued herself enough not to be with or put up with someone who cannot keep his eyes at home, who respects her enough to make her his passion.
So for all the post of men on here who think it is so cool to look when you are with a women, well the only women who like it are the skanks and they may be the ones you end up with, so where protection when you are with her, cause give another guy the chace to oogle her and she will be runing for the next cab out of dodge to be with him...
Men and women who are in relationships should not put up with this...it is so degrading to our self esteem...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): I've been married for 18 years to a fantastic husband who swears his undying love – but – you can guarantee that whenever we go out, he's looking over my shoulder and making eye contact with another woman. What to do? Hey, and I'm not being paranoid, he acknowledges what he's doing and feels bad... I'm a model with curves and a brain. Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): The part I don't get is when they look and they deny it or they look and then keep looking. They also will look and then look at you to see if you just saw that they were looking, that is so annoying. I understand that men and women alike all look, but I believe there is a difference, when a women sees an attractive man, they think oh he's hot or good looking, etc and then they drop it in there head. When a man sees a good looking female he looks longer and more times and thinks a whole lot different then a female does. I believe it to be disrespectful and it does cause a lot of damage on a relationship. When a women brings to a mans attention, they either deny it or say I didn't realize I was doing it or it wasn't meant in that way, that's a bunch of bs. They look to see if they can find something better or to see what that women has that there's odesn't. I guess it's just the way, men are set up and there's really not a whole lot women can do to change, I guess we either accept it or like to ruin our realationships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I was having breakfast with my girlfriend, and she confided to me how she would hate it when she would drive in the car with her husband and he looks at woman walking down the sidewalk. I told her that not only are men visually stimulated, but the fact that he was looking at another woman does not mean that he loves her any less, or that he doesn’t find her attractive. A man looks at woman, at any woman- because he is visually stimulated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I was having breakfast with my girlfriend, and she confided to me how she would hate it when she would drive in the car with her husband and he looks at woman walking down the sidewalk. I told her that not only are men visually stimulated, but the fact that he was looking at another woman does not mean that he loves her any less, or that he doesn’t find her attractive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): My husband has stared, lusted, fantasized and oogled over women since our honeymoon. He did not exibit this behaviour during our dating time; if he had i would not have married him - once we were married his true self came out. I believed he was dissapointed with me and was sad he married me. We had terriable fights about this issue but never resolved it - 20 years later we have 2 affairs under our belt and countless occurences. I don't think men or women should indulge in "other" people it doesn't turn out well for most. We can't help but notice a good looking person, car, house, sunset.... you get my point but what happens occasionally is different then what happens habitually. If your man has a "habit" of "enjoying other women - DON'T MARRY HIM - If you are already married let him know that his hobby can not continue or you will be only a lovely memory. Men with this problem should not get married or be in a serious relationship - they are better off having thier flings (not really but they think so) Over 75 % of marriages experience unfaithfulness - how sad - i belive our liberal views on flirting and lusting and staring contribute largely to this problem. Lets put our energy and attention in to our most important relationship - you will be amazed at how satisfying it is.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): While my heart listens with sincere empathy to the feelings of deep frustation, desperation and anger expressed in the question and in many replies, my mind keep coming back to questions such as "If men who want to keep shopping for the latest model should stay single, how many of us writing to this forum would have been born?" or "If there is already a shortage of men in the U.S., and many women who want to get married cannot do so, how much worse would the problem be if men who want to keep shopping for the latest model should stay single?"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): My fiance, who is 51, loves to admire beautiful women everywhere we go. I am attractive and give him lots of attention and respect. Our sex life is amazing. But when I tell him I feel bad when he looks at women when we are out...he gets very angry and explodes saying he will not be accused of something he did not do. He says I am delussional and we end up in a huge fight over it. He just doesnt glance...he looks at the woman several times very subtely yet until she glances and notices he is looking. Its like he is looking for them to notice he looks. That is so disrespectful and yet he will deny it 100% of the time. Why do men think we are stupid and blind? The anger just shows the guilt and they try to turn it around to blame us being insecure. Duhhhhhh..perhaps their actions make us that way. Stay single men if you want to keep shopping for the latest model. We don't need that and we sure don't need the pain and hurt it brings. True...do it back..why hold back if they don't.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): The plain truth is: even if you were the most beautiful, caring, passionate, etc. woman on the planet, and even if your boyfriend were 100% totally and completly in love with you, he would still look with lust to most other women. Your father does the same, as does your brother, grandfather and your future sons.
You may not like it, but that does not change the fact. You will live 120 years and will never find a different man. Sorry.
Men are very different from women. You cannot understand men by looking at how women think or behave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I've been w/ my boyfriend now for a little over a year, he can be totally affectionate, loving and caring. However, several months in to the relationship i found out that he was still getting in contact w/other women on several dating site's. not to mention a cyber sex site was also found (We met on a dating site). Talk about hurtful! my god! I felt my heart drop down to my big toe I then fell in a state of shock! When i apporached him on the messed up Issue he was totally embarrest and displayed a look of total humiliation, especially when I said I was going to see the content's of the e-mail back to the female, He then pulled the lap-top away from me and unplugged it and shut it down. ever since then I just try to act as if that did not hurt me and I have doughts as well as bit's of anger out burst's twards him, I try not to bring up the hurt "from my big toe" for the sake of sanity and good mood flow. ever since that day I don't trust him. he can't understand why. and trys to make me seem as I am the one in the wrong, I'm sorry if I did not responed to the one above me. I just got excited that finally there are people out there who understand. In any event I know that I am a good catch and am sexy and a good women all around. Thanks. :)
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female
reader, missunsure +, writes (13 August 2007):
Men look at other women because they can, its as simple as that. They know you might well be offended and hurt, but they also know that they can make you feel like an idiot for being that way. Well your not an idiot and the next time your man looks at another woman while your sat there, get up and walk straight out the door, go home, put your phone on silent or divert and take a vath, chill, read a book, visit your friends and Mr I can look if I want will call you and apoogise and if he doesnt thenhe isnt worth the effort, let him try and go with someone else at least you know when you walk into wherever he is, he will be looking at you and regretting being an insensitive prick.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): I am a blonde, and I catch my boyfriend lookin at girls from the corner of my eye! So I stop him and say "why did you look at her?" He deny's it every single time and says "i'm the only girl he's attracted to because im so beautiful" But that can't be true because he shouldn't need to look at other girls if he already has one he believes is "the best." No guys understand that it makes their girlfriend feel like they are not good enough, if they need to take a look at other girls. I never check out other guys, and when my friends point them out I could care less it's just like seeing another girl. Also Guys hit on me ALL THE TIME (not to be cocky) but it is SOOO annoying. They even do it right in FRONT of my boyfriend and he gets extremely mad at me and yells at the guys who do it! I can't help it and he still gives ME crap. I think he might be looking at girls because he thinks that since guys hit on me i probably do the same thing. but that is DEFINITELY not the case....ugh
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Men who are with the woman they are involved with or are taking out for a date should not twist their necks to look at another woman. This is rude. There is plenty of time to do this on their own or with the guys. It is disrespectful but most men would take it that the woman who they are with is jealous. This is a lame statement for an excuse to remain ignorant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Men who are with the woman they are involved with or are taking out for a date should not twist their necks to look at another woman. This is rude. There is plenty of time to do this on their own or with the guys. It is disrespectful but most men would take it that the woman who they are with is jealous. This is a lame statement for an excuse to remain ignorant.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): I think my boyfriend looks at women when I am not there as well. That is fine. What bothers me is when I have to look at the back of his head while he is doing so. Or he ignores me. He's told me that it shouldn't bother me that he does this. I really have no desire to do it back. I look at specimens that are worthy, but not when I am with him. I told him that it seems disrepectful to me since I am spending my time sitting there with him, he could at least give me his attention. It makes me feel he is always looking for something better. Yesterday evening, I saw the back of his head way too many times. So I thought that the next time we are having sex, I would just talk about the goodlooking men at the gym. Men are visiual. And women like to talk about what's on their minds. Then when he feels a bit inadequate, he might understand that it is just not right. Lust after them when I am not around or he might find himself in need of watching me while he sits there alone.
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male
reader, Jonty +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Great answer from miss attitude, if you've got a perfectly good bike, you dont need a new one!Tell your bloke to stop being greedy, he should be happy with you, and dont live your life feeling inadequate!Give him a talking to!
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female
reader, MissAttitude +, writes (25 July 2007):
 I would say its natural for men to look, and women too, if i see my boyfriend looking at another woman, i ask why and he gets embarrassed that i saw. but ill make the oppurtunity to look at the next guy that passes, fit or not, just to make the point of how it feels. he doesnt like it i can see it in his face and they pretend they dont see you when they do. all i say is if u dont like it dont do it. why look at the menu when youre not going to order anything? xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): Ladies, Ladies. Can you not see that men look at other women as an appreciation how they look. The whole purpose of femininity is to be attractive to a man regardless. I got married last year to my gorgeous wife, I did not expect her to cover up head to toe, make herself ugly so to speak. Women should respect men as men. If men used the same oversensitive tones there would be no breeding now would there! I have lost count in the amount of rejections i have received etc, I wish women would appreciate men a little more, can you not see that your insecurities are the issue? Believe me if men based their lives upon how hurtful women have been to them in the past the population would reduce rapidly. The worst thing for me though is that when a women fails at a relationship they seem to blame an entire gender..ie men, and yet discount their partner-ex almost straight away...very insensitive.
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female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (19 July 2007):
 Yeah I find this puzzling too. To some obviously their present woman isnt's grabbin all their attention. But it's kinda rude to do a bit of window shopping with your lady right there by your arm, her seeing everything. But it can be a fun game too; the more secure the girlfriend is in this situation, the more fun can come out of it, as she can provoke him and ask him without hard feelings involved and understand why the f__ is he bloody looking lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): It's one of two things that is the problem when this issue comes up:
1. The women is insecure and lacks her own self-esteem that she feels every other women is a threat.
2. The man is doing more than looking at other women, he is sexually excited and emotionally exploring the idea of being intimate with them.
And then, in the really bad relationships you have the insecure women and the men who seeks sexual excitement outside of the relationship.
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female
reader, Miss_Oz + ♥, writes (13 July 2007):
 I think the last poster said everything perfectly; hear hear, female anonymous.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): Bottom line, is when men look at other girls, its almost as bad as cheating. If you want to look, be single. It is SOO hurtful and SOO disrespectful and men seem to think it* normal. I am an attractive 19 year old, who is married to a 33 year old. I catch him looking at girls and he always says he wasen*t. Truth is, women know. We always know. If you just got caught, don*t say you weren*t. I only makes us more angry. Just say sorry. Another thing men don*t realize is, it pushes women away. The more you look at other women..the more distant we become. In some cases even start losing feelings. I am 19 years old and have NO desire to look at other men. Even if there*s a very good looking guy, I look at him how I would my mom. It*s not fair for a girl like me to have a man that looks at other women. It kills our self esteem more than any man will EVER know. If you get caught, just say your sorry. Better yet, don*t look at all. If you love someone, you should have no desire. Another thing, if your watching a movie with your girlfriend/wife, and an attractive women comes on the screen naked or almost naked, look at your girlfriend/wife. It makes us feel so important and so respected. If men got naked in movies (which they don*t..because women aren*t animals like men and need to see that) you would feel better if we turned our heads instead of watching. You have no idea how special it will make her feel. You will make her day!! But don*t start like acting all horny and kissing her and rubbing her because she*ll think the girl made you horny. Just turn to her and tell her she*s beautiful and just stare at her until the part is over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): I understand that there are other attractive people around. There is nothing wrong with walking down the street and seeing an attractive person and thinking, "That person looks good/He's a good looking guy/She's a good looking woman" type thing. It is when it is done in a desirable way that it becomes hurtful- more than just an admiration.
The common saying is that it's human nature or that's what men are like. I feel like that is an excuse. I can be with a guy, be totally in love and not have any desire for another man. I can be totally into my man. If I can do it, then it should be possible to be done. Perhaps it could be hard for some to do, but able to be done none the less. If you can't do it then be single. It is a choice.
Just as it is said that a real man doesn't act on it... If he has the control to not act on actually cheating then he should be able to have the control to desire his one woman only as well and focus on her. Again, I am not talking about just noticing that someone is attractive. I am talking about looking at them with lust. I can see a man walking down the street and think, "That guys is attractive" but I do not think something like, "That guy is hot... if I was single, I'd do him. He's definately fuckable" or whatever. I suppose I could but I don't. Why? Because there is something called value and respect and I should have it for my partner simply as a human being. I believe in my choice to be with my partner and love him to pieces.
What happened to friendship? What happened to loyalty? Whatever happened to trust? What happened to actually caring for the one you are with as a person and never wanting to hurt them or devastate them in any way? Whatever happened to believing in something? Whatever happened to wanting an amazing relationship? A wonderful thing is available to us and happens to us when we choose to be loyal and truly love one person, your friend, your partner. The experience of true love and an unbreakable bond is like no other. Are people just afraid of that? Again, it can be passed off as human nature to be this way but I think it is controllable. Saying it is human nature is an excuse.
You don't have to actually touch someone else to stray. If you lust, although you don't do anything about it, or whether you do end up cheating, in both cases, you strayed or it feels deceitful because you are desiring someone else. I know sex is very powerful but whatever happened to truly caring about someone special and truly respecting them? Putting that first. Not this male and female bullshit but seeing someone as a person and caring for them enough that you show them this respect, not because you have to, but because you truly want to. What's wrong with being a good person in that way? There is a cake and eat it too aspect to it when you don't value your partner's feelings.
I am starting to think about what the girl above said, about doing it back at your man. That's the funny thing actually, women are supposed to accept it as that's how men are but if we were to do it, the truth is they would hate it in the same way and want the same respect as we demand. What's good for the goose doesn't seem to apply. Their ego gets bruised just as ours does. No one wants some strange person to feel like they have one up on you or no one wants, just plainly, to think their partner desires someone else. I don't believe in being vindictive but is it vindictive to start doing it yourself or is it just understanding and agreeing on a commitment level? Kind of like the couples that agree to have an open relationship. I think it is the latter, otherwise you are just a big fool and it is like your partner is walking all over you. You should have the choice to do it too. Or choose not do it and decide that the man your with isn't for you.
I just can't help but think that if you were truly valued and loved by a boyfriend/husband, he wouldn't ever want you devastated. He would have strong convictions about what being a good man is all about and display them.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (4 July 2007):
 Because they ae trying to make you jealous to push your buttons and see if you still care....don't react emotionally, but call him out on it that he is being rude, drop the subject and he will quit doing it to piss you off.
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female
reader, baby_caridee  +, writes (4 July 2007):
 I don't know too. But I guess it's a human nature. I had experienced that situation before. And believe me, I don't like it.
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female
reader, LauraE +, writes (4 July 2007):
It depends whether you mean an admiring glance at a pretty girl, or staring for ages. All men look at pretty girls. Women look at men too. This is normal and OK, if it’s an admiring glance. If he stares and stares, and ignores you, then it isn’t OK, it’s disrespectful to you. A boyfriend of mine did that, to the point where I felt like I wasn’t there any more. When I made it clear that this had to stop because I was getting very tired of it, he changed. Be honest with yourself about it – is it just glances? If it is, then you have a problem with your self-confidence. You have to force yourself to ignore it until you get used to it. If it’s not that, then tell him it has got to stop.
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male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (4 July 2007):
 Again, I'm with Eddie.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (4 July 2007):
 It's a perfectly natural thing for any male or female to do we all like something that is beautiful, and it draws our attention wether it be art, sunsets, or other people.
All the time they are with you i would not worry about it because if they wanted to be with someone else they would be.
Take care.xx.
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male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (4 July 2007):
 Although I agree that many women take their men for granted after they know they've hooked the guy, it's not necessarily connected.
People are geared that way. Men in particular are visually stimulated. They're not staring because of love, it's because they notice an attractive person. It's only disrespectful when you're so obvious your partner catches you. Also, if a person spends no time stroking the ego of their partner, but takes time to notice others, it's hurtful to the one being neglected. The neglected person realizes you still have the potential to notice others but don't bother noticing them any longer. Never get to that stage. If you dote on your partner, they will have confidence you are still attracted to them, even when you notice another. For example, if my wife really likes the clothes a male model is wearing, that she saw on TV, I might buy them for myself. Why? Because the reality is this, she saw him and found him to look good (attractive). If she likes this kind of thing, I'll try to duplicate it. (within reason)
I asked my wife this question a few weeks ago........"If you saw a really good looking guy shingling the roof on the house down the street, would you check him out?" Would the thought that he was hot, register in your mind ?" She said...."Of course I'd look. But only once and I wouldn't let him know I looked"...
Men would look and not care, for the most part. As I always say, to look in normal. To like is normal. To be attracted is normal. To cheat is wrong. To obviously stare when out with your partner is wrong. To notice an attractive person and daydream is normal. To enjoy being noticed is normal. To manipulate that situation so are noticed by a particular person, on a regular basis, is playing with fire.
We can't help what we notice or what thought crosses our mind. We can't help an attraction, it's candy for the brain and an incentive to work on what we've got. We can control what we do though. As you see on this site, many people don't though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): May be they are not getting enough reassurance, sense of being feeling good about themselves, from the women they are with. Some women have a habit of taking their man for granted once they have known that their guy loves them and this is what spoils the relationship. May be you need to take your guy more seriously and spend some time to understand his feelings genuinely with interest.
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