A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Several years ago I fell for a good friend I'd had my whole life, but who was living in another country. We began an LDR that lasted 8 months. It ended when he struggled to support me emotionally, as I had some mental health problems at the time.A year after we broke up he got together with a new girl, and I thought she was a "just for now" person until we could be together. He had just begun to admit he was having second thoughts about the break-up and still loved me. He went on to cheat on her numerous times with me when I visited him. I was travelling and working in this time while he stayed put. This went on for nearly 3 years.In winter he admitted everything to her and saw me one last time. We got naked but didn't do anything; he refused to kiss me, which hurt. He suggested I block him on everything so he can't keep hurting me. He was sounding pessimistic about his relationship, and I felt sure it was dissolving. I blocked him, and felt pleased I'd gotten out before the drama started.I've had no contact with him since then and assumed he was living the single life, but have just been told by a mutual friend that he and this girl have now moved in together. I feel like he has won. He got me out of the picture and is settling down.I am not a giving-up kind of person. I am very determined and competitive. I want to be a winner. I hate that he was able to get me to drop out. He treated me like s^^t for 3 years and now he's still happy as a clam. I am doing great in my own life, but he is well ahead of me in the relationship side of things. I am furious that she forgave him and that he's been allowed to get away with everything.I'm not sure what question to ask, except perhaps if it's normal to feel so angry. I don't really want a boyfriend at the moment, as I'm about to move again to start university. It's not like I want him, I just want to know that he's single. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling that I've lost. I would not trade in my place at uni to move over to his city to be with him, but I still feel I'm missing out and I don't really understand why.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): Hi again. It doesn't paint you in a pleasant light when you state getting one over on her was fun. I think it says,a lot about how you achieve feeling good about yourself in my opinion- that a man would choose to cheat with you over his relationship which he is in with another woman appears to give you the feeling of being wanted and validated, to be 'the winner' as you put it. For many, including myself, this is really a case of a man who thinks he can have his cake and eat it, and you just happen to be willing to think little enough of yourself to indulge. I'm sure you wont like what I'm saying here, but short term 'feel good' that is achieved in such a manner isn't healthy for you moving forward. I guess you have to be able to compartmentalize in a manner that allows you to not feel guilty to the point others might who haven't gotten into such situations, but that doesn't excuse a person for finding it fun to get one over on another person who is just trying to have a relationship with a guy who is behaving insincerely and cheating on them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Honeypie, WHAT exactly do you EXPECT me to say about HER? I don't KNOW her. We haven't MET. I've NEVER ever SPOKEN to her. Plus I don't CARE about her anyway. As far as I see it, HE is the one who MADE a COMMITMENT to her, NOT me. She is NOT my responsibility. AND putting one over on HER was FUN, to be HONEST.Do you SEE how ANNOYING this STYLE of WRITING is? Please don't do that.I thought I should also say that the arrangement worked out quite well for me for a while. When we were "dating" I was far happier with long-distance than he was. I figured that 90% of the time we'd be best friends who talked about sexual things and flirted, and the other 10% (when we were able to meet up) we'd be more of a couple. Less stress and pressure for the 90% time, and we were best friends first anyway. But he burned himself out on trying to be a couple when we were hundreds of miles apart.Then once he was with her, the dynamic was more like what I'd wanted in the first place, except that whenever we were in the "sexual best friends" stage she was also in the picture. So I was just waiting for her to be gone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): You pretty much handed the victory to him on a platter.
You chose to be his mistress.
You chose to give him the power.
You chose to try to get with him even after he'd told her.
A winner walks away from someone who doesn't respect or care about them.
Make winning choices next time. Ie don't knowingly date a two-timing you know what in the hopes that he'll pick you over the girlfriend/wife eventually. Even if he had chosen you, he's hardly a prize.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Hi. You are holding a lot of bitterness here chick, from hurt about his choices here. He has chosen to carry on with you part time, but chosen his life with her. He has treated her really badly here- I know you likely feel he has done the same to you, and he has given your feelings for him, but you have at least had the advantage of knowing what,you were getting into- an affair with a man in a relationship. I'm not convinced this is about any great love for him on your part, I think this is really about your sense of rejection of you, and a picking of someone else over you, and you not feeling validated by this. Try and consider for a moment how you would feel if you were the girlfriend. Imagine finding out what he's been doing with you. This man isn't being respectful to either of you- he hasn't won as you put it, a man like that is shallow and will find happiness difficult to achieve in a relationship. I would advice you concentrate on what you want from a relationship rather than seek validation of yourself and your worth by the measurement of if a man like this would 'pick' you, please realise this,is more about how you see yourself. X
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I can offer only ONE bit of advice to you:
Choose your battles carefully.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 July 2015):
 I can't get over that there is NOt a single word of regret towards his GF - who was an innocent bystander is all this drama.
And what did you lose?
YOU "lost" access to a dysfunctional cheater. You "lost" the ability to SCREW over yourself and his GF. You lost the chance to mess up your life more than the 3 years you already WASTED on this guy.
What exactly did he win? Hi GF will NEVER trust him further than she can toss him. She is staying for now, but who knows if she suddenly will wake up and realize what really went on behind her back.
YOU make this sound like he DID this to you. He did up to a point, BUT YOU.... DID this to yourself.
You say you are competitive, good USE that in your school work and later in your career - but NEVER in a relationship. People like you who constantly wants to "win" in a relationship... ends up alone. A relationship is NOT about one upping your partner, or his GF. You may THINK you are better than her, better than him.. YET you settle for some dingy scraps (him) for 3 years - while HE got to have a full blown relationship with HER.
ACCEPT that he was a PISS POOR choice in BF. Accept that YOU made a messed up choice is continuing to have sex with someone who was already with someone else. ACCEPT that he didn't "win" and you didn't really "lose" anything. Life isn't a game. Take some time to figure out WHY you made the choices you did (when it comes to him) LEARN from it. ACCEPT your OWN part in that whole 3 YEAR mess. TAKE some responsibility for YOUR actions.
And then see him as a toxin that you need to slowly let drain from your body and heart. Spend time with people you care about who care about you - if anyone mention HIM - tell them it's a subject you are not interested in. You are done with that crap.
Focus on the future.
Karma might hit him like double-decker bus at some point.... but don't sit around and WAIT for it. Forget about him. Move on. HE WAS your past - you got a future ahead, so live in the now, look to the future and leave the past in.. the past.
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