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What's his problem? My father is rude and abrasive to me. Yet treats my sister with respect and helpfulness?

Tagged as: Age differences, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am a young adult still living at home with my parents.

I get along with my mother, she is like my best friend and a wonderful mother and she sees what my father has been doing to me and her.

My father is just horrible to me for no reason. I have never been bad including my teenage years, I've been in school since nursery nonstop. I finished high school, I finished college, I finished university and now I'm off to do my masters.

I have never been pregnant, I have never cursed nor done drugs, never been in trouble with the police, I work hard, I give my dad money when I can, I paid for his glasses, his parking tickets, and the bills in the house.

But for some reason when I speak with him he kisses his teeth at me, he ignores me, one time over the tv remote, or he will just say I'm stupid (it doesn't matter what I ask).

He drives and when I ask to be dropped or picked up he makes such a fuss.

Once I asked to be picked up from the airport at around 3am, he said no but, I was struggling as my suitcase was heavy and the wheels had just fallen off, BUT if it's his other relatives he will take that trip no problem.

Two weeks prior he picked and dropped his sister at the airport leaving the house at 5am to get her from her house NO PROBLEM!

I even offered to pay £20 for petrol.

There are no buses or trains to my house at that time. Luckily there was a massive delay until 6am so I managed to take the train to city and get an uber home.

He makes me feel so small, and I honestly have no idea what I have done.

We stopped speaking for at least 4 months, I went to stay with my eldest sister for a week when I was in college because he was just so rude to me.

So, the last straw happened a few days ago when I was telling my little sister to put the rubbish in her plate in the bin.

He turns around and calls me a "lazy bitch" because I didn't do it.

I haven't spoken to him since.

Am I overreacting or am I in the right to not speak with him. I have no idea what his problem is with me and he won't ever say.

View related questions: best friend, drugs, living at home, money, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Aunt honesty - I have spoken to him about it many times. I have told him how he makes me feel and he would never say "sorry"; never feel any remorse. He will try and make it my fault. My mother has also spoken with him, and she tells him, how he is treating me is not right. He just won't change. She has no idea why he treats me that way either.

He is my biological father and he was nicer when I didn't live with him. My mum and I moved to stay with him in 05 but, since 06 he just switched and all of a sudden doesn't seem to like me very much.

Abella - thank you so much! I will take that on board. I have always been the one to be the bigger person and I end up speaking with him first after months of not talking. He is like this with my eldest sister also, he didn't even go to her wedding because he didn't like the way she asked him. She hasn't spoken to him in years and before I moved in with him, he wasn't speaking to none of his daughters, it took my mother to get them speaking again.

Anon male - thank you for taking the time to respond and share your story. I 100% agree that I look at other fathers (my bro in law) and I'm like wow he's such a great father. He speaks to his kids, he gets to know them and takes the time to create a relationship with them. My dad has never done that. He would never say "hey, how is uni going? Or hey, how's life?" Which is just sad, because I'm always listening to his problems, I'm always asking him and helping him out but never get the same response.

Anon female - thank you! I think I'm just 100% done at this point. I can't be living like this. The only reason why I'm still at home is because Uni is expensive and I can't afford to live out at the moment. I will be once I have the money to do so. So I am stuck living with him. Is it bad that I'm waiting for him to die? When he is out the house everyone has free reign over the house, as soon as he comes back no one stays in the lounge. We all just stay in our bedrooms because he won't allow any one to watch the tv. Even if you're in the middle of watching a program he would change it without asking. I tried to bond with him by putting on a tv show that I thought he would like but he just kissed his teeth and pretended to sleep throughout the whole thing. I ended up switching it off and magically he woke up and watched whatever he wanted. He's just a horrible dad. I would never call him a father because he thinks being a father is giving his children money when he can and we should be respectful at all times even though respect is earned.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

Look the clue is simply that you get on wonderfully with your mum and she with you and between you he feels a completely inadequate d****, because that is exactly what he is.

He cant loosen up and like you because he is scared that he will look stupid so he finds every goddam reason in the book to cuss and kiss his teeth etc.

He knows you are the better person and it irks him!

Sometimes when children are born kind hearted midwives let words pop out of their mouth like :"ohh, this ones been here before! Just look at those eyes, the key to the soul...my goodness you have a blessed child! There you go mama ..would you like to hold baby now..its a beautiful girl..No , not you dad ,mum did all the work and its important she bonds with baby for feeding!"

This starts dad feeling miffed!

After all it was his manly prowess that got baby there in the first place!

Also midwife is pretty and he wanted her to flutter her eyes at him, plus he's perfectly aware that he's got no soul, so he thinks in his head "that stupid bitch, what does she know!"

Given time that sentiment transfers to you and his worst fear is he might need you for assistance in old age when you finally realise what a stupid old fool he is!

Hence the rudness! He is scared of being old!

Your best course of action would be to ignore him but if you want to be reactive just kiss your teeth and mutter loud enough to be heard by all "that stupid old fool!"

If he gets violent call the police!

As time goes on just kissing your teeth and looking annoyed will do!

Next time he kisses his teeth say jokingly "Dad , have you dropped your dentures!"

You see people with soul can fight back, albeit in the sweetest way!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

I often read this site, but rarely post and haven't posted in years. Your question moved me to respond.

I grew up in a household like yours, where my father preferred my other siblings over me. He would constantly make displays of affection towards them in my presence, but would never show the same towards me. For me, he was constantly combative, rude, and mean-spirited while praising my older and younger brothers. He would bend over backwards to help them, no matter how inconvenient, yet would never do those things for me even if they were not inconvenient at all.

Like you, I have never been a source of trouble. I am well-adjusted, got along well with my mother, and pursued higher education to a level well beyond any of my siblings.

I envied families where parents seemed to treat all the children equally. Deep down inside, I always believed that my father singled me out for his ire because he was threatened by my intelligence. It might be the same reason for you.

You can't change your father, I'm sorry to say. His ways have most likely been cemented over time. If your father is anything like mine, "Sorry" is not in his dictionary.

But don't despair. You are an adult now and you are probably on the way to some personal success, through your education. I am in my 30s now. I have three degrees, an excellent job, and I am starting my own family. I have learned to define my self-worth in terms of what I have achieved and how I view myself, not as the worth my father prescribed me.

If anything, I've learned what it takes to be a good parent by experiencing firsthand what it is like to live under a bad one.

I can't say whether it is right not to speak to your father. Admittedly, I went for long periods of time without speaking to mine. For various reasons, we speak again now. Regardless, you can be the better person and be polite to him even if he had refused to afford you the same respect.

Right now your life with your parents is the centre of your world, but in a few years the focus will change. As you make progress in your schooling, career, and personal goals, you should be able to invest yourself in healthier, positive relationships and build the home life that is ideal for you.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Abella agony auntThis would indeed be very distressing. It should be true that all parents treat their children fairly and while not equally, at the very least it would be nice if they treated their children with equity and fairness.

But, people being people, it is sadly true that some parents and grandparents do demonstrate that they do favour one child better than another.

Even in death they often rub salt further into the wound by excluding one child and favouring another child, at the time they make a Will. Such exclusions can divide the family even further after the death of the parent or grandparent.

You have pursued studies and you sound intelligent and I have wondered if your father lacks your intellect or whether your studies eclipse anything he has ever achieved academically. Could it be jealousy on his part where your father may feel that already you have achieved far more than he is ever likely to achieve?

How open and positive is your relationship with your sibling?

In what ways (if any) does your sibling ''connect'' with your father due to shared interests, attitudes or shared beliefs? Where you simply do not have those same interests, attitues and beliefs.

Is there any area where you and your father do connect? Find a small area wh

He certainly does sound disagreeable.

If he is insecure about his own past academic outcomes then discussing your own studies will not help make him feel better.

Ask your mother when he first started to express negative thoughts or any trigger that may have left him angry in respect to you.

Keep in mind that his irrational behaviour may be irreversible if he does not want to change.

His behaviour is Not your fault.

He has the problem, though His problem is upsetting you.

Try not to look for his support. Since he is bullying you and continuing to do so then do not react to his nastiness.

You can respond assertively when he behaves badly but ensure that you stay in control.

So he calls you ''stupid''?

Respond with a calm controlled voice.

''Dad when you choose to use words like 'stupid' to describe me you cause me to question your judgement and in future.

By being assertive you make it clear that you are not destroyed by his nastiness. You remain the adult.

While he resorts to mean nasty behaviour rather than telling you why he thinks it is acceptable and justified (to him) to remain so unkind towards you.

Go forward in your life and do well.

That is what will sustain you, even if he refuses the value and respect you. It is his loss if he cannot see that you do not deserve all this nastiness.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you ever asked him what his problem is with you? If not maybe you should tell him how miserable he is making you feel and see if he responds.

You say that even your mother can see the way that he is treating you, have you asked her does she know why? Maybe get your mother to talk to him, because it is really unfair off him to treat you different.

He obviously has a problem, it may be something that is not your fault, maybe he struggled to bond with you since a baby, or could it be that he is not your biological father and this is why he treats you different?

The best thing that you could do is move out off home if he is causing you this much stress it is not fair on you. You are close to your mother so talk to her and tell her how you are feeling, ask her what you should do.

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