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My mother is abusive and makes things out to be my fault when its actually her!

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2016)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am a 22 year old male and I've had problems with my mother ever since I can remember. My mom is a very abusive person who yells and belittles me all the time, takes her anger out on me, etc. and then turns around and says I am the one with the problem and I'm a bad son because I ignore her and shut her out.

She will have an anger outburst with me and say mean things and then gets mad at me when I tell her I don't want to talk to her and ignore her calls and texts. She will then go on to say I've changed and have become a horrible man and she didn't raise me to be a son who ignores her and doesn't want to bother with her. She will say how she's so good to me and I'm the bad guy, even though she's the one who is the abuser.

For some reason, she doesn't see that she hurts me and is in denial of her mean ways. She never takes responsibility for her actions, it's always my fault even though I am never mean back.

Luckily I do not live with her but she harasses me over the phone and she comes to my apartment. I don't trust her as she's stolen things from my home while I have not been there (she use to have a key but she doesn't anymore). She thinks she is entitled to do these things because she is my mom but that's no excuse for her yelling and saying horrible things to me all the time.

I don't know what to do... Why doesn't she see that she's hurting me so badly? Why does she make ME out to be the bad guy when clearly I'm not?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016):

"Why doesn't she see that she's hurting me so badly? Why does she make ME out to be the bad guy when clearly I'm not?"

Since there's no mention of your father I'm assuming he's out of the picture. If this is the case then perhaps she may be projecting her anger and resentment toward your father onto you, yet at the same time she's afraid that you will abandon her just as he did.

I suggest you seek counseling to help you understand the deep-seated issues underlying reasons your mother's behavior and to develop strategies on how to better cope with her.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 July 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThere's no "rule" that sez that you have to endure a toxic person who has some place in your life!!!!

Being your Mother does NOT give this woman freedom to be nasty to you... Just stay away from her... be polite when you MUST be in her company.... and get on with YOUR life.

Good luck...

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (29 July 2016):

fishdish agony auntHow do you respond to your mom, do you try to beat her at her game, or just passively take the abuse? Are you still financially dependent on her still? I would consider family therapy before removing her from your life. Maybe you can bring up the subject without her being on the defensive--like saying you want to be closer to her and find ways to interact in ways that can make you feel happy with her. I don't know if I'd want what you're going through in my life. It is okay to remove toxic people in your life, it's just unfortunate when it's an immediate, blood relative. Counseling can only help you, too.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry you grew up with a mother like that. I think your mom have some serious mental health issues and doesn't accept or understand reality as other people see it.

I would suggest that you (if your phone can do it) set a special ringtone for her and IF you are NOT in the mood to deal with her, simply don't pick up. OR... Tell her you have had enough of the harassing phone-calls then you BLOCK her number OR get a new phone number and make sure NOT to give it to her or to people who would pass it on.

Maybe taking a break from her is what you need. Yes, she is your mom, but I think it's her illness talking and I think it's quite OK to NOT want to "engage in conversations" with her illness for a while. YOU don't OWE her to just sit there and take whatever abuse she wants to heap on you.

If you CAN'R find it in yourself to block her or ignore her, CUT the conversations short EVERY time she starts being abusive.

You ask why she doesn't see she is hurting you. Because her whole world revolves around her, not you. She is expecting you to revolve around her as well. Again, it sounds like she has some issues going on. And you are right, THERE is no excuse for yelling abuse at you. BUT this is who she is. IS that a person you want in your life? YOU do get to choose. She might not like that you DON'T want her around, but YOUR life is yours.

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