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What is the best way to end my obsession with my co-worker?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 March 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 March 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hello, I am a happily a married woman with a 4yr old daughter and an awesome husband. With that said I want nothing more than to have crazy (50 shades of grey) sex with my coworker who is also married with 3 kids and one on the way.

It started a year ago, we worked together for about 12 years now but only worked on a few projects a year and then the last few years more and more with a little harmless flirting here and there and then 1 night he sent me a text basically letting me know he sort of has feelings more than coworkers.

I thought it was just some harmless fun and made me feel so good about myself again. As we started talking more and more it just kept getting more and more sexually inappropriate to the point where pictures were sent, videos etc.

We have tried multiple times to completely stop but it is like he knows when I’m getting stronger and he pulls me back in. I have been an absolute emotional mess for about 8 months. I think about him 24 hrs. a day minute when I get up in the am and when I go to bed. I please myself to him and think of him when with my husband.

We have never had any physical contact, but extremely sexual conversations.

I try so hard to say it must stop and say I will ignore him, but then when he reaches out I am just so excited that I give in and the next thing you know I’m talking to him about what I want to do to him.

I have never in my life felt so much lust and sexual emotions, so I think that feeling is drawing me in, but then again, the hurt and pain when we stop is unbearable and just want it to go away.

If we were in a situation where we could be with each other in a physical way I think I would do it, because I wouldn’t be able to control my feelings.

I know this is so bad and yesterday he told me he was expecting another child, and I just felt like such crap about myself .. I couldn’t imagine being pregnant and my husband doing this to me.

I know I can control things and just say ITS OVER and walk away .. but so much inside of me wants it so bad, that I know I wouldn’t be able to. I just don’t even understand why he’s doing it. a guess a cheap thrill. I’m mad at myself for allowing him to treat me like this and for me to be this gullible.

I will say my sex life with my husband has been insane because of all the sexual tension and lust I am feeling for him.

I’m just at a loss here and looking for some advice. A part of me feels like we would have been better off just having a one-night stand and moving on.

What is the best way to stop obssesing over him and move on.

View related questions: cheap, co-worker, flirt, married woman, move on, sex life, text

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (10 March 2018):

Sleep with the guy and get it out of your system. Then you can stop cheating on your husband because that is what you’re doing.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018):

Wow,, Aunt Honesty , that was quite honest.. When you speak of my husband and child that really makes it real.

The problem is , we both try to behave and just keep it as work related and friendly. It goes well for a little bit and then just so easy to cross the line. But you are totally right about him probably doing this before. I don't know the back story but I do know he is divorced and met his wife at work. I just really like him as a person and he makes me laugh and we always had great conversations . I know it needs to end before a lot of people get hurt

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are a happily married woman? But I bet your husband wouldn't be a happily married man if he knew the truth. You want nothing more than to have sex with your co-worker?? Really? Well nothing is stopping you, go and do it, hurt your husband, split up two families and go and have sex! I bet you wouldn't be saying afterwards it is all you want when you have lost everything and you are sitting alone in some flat.

It is clear that he doesn't have feelings for you, he is just saying what you want to hear to get a cheap thrill and some sexy videos and pictures from you. I am sure you are not the only woman at work he has tried to flirt with. You say this made you feel good about yourself again, but what was it that made you feel bad about yourself to begin with? Husband not treating you right? Not showing you enough attention?

I am sure your husband would be just devestated to learn the truth. That really would hit someone's confidence to a point where he would loose all his self esteem to the point that he would never be himself again or be able to trust another woman in his life. I really don't think you are taking how serious this is.

How would you feel if your husband was doing it to you? Honestly stop thinking about yourself and your own feelings and put your family first. You made vows to your husband, you brought a little girl in to the world and you are lying and deciving her as well and risking her future with both her parents together. Is a few quick thrills really worth all that?

The best way to stop is change your number or else block his number so he cannot contact you any more. Avoid him at work were possible and time will make it easier. Think about what it would do to your family if you got caught and hopefully that is reason enough for you to stay away from him.

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A male reader, Perspective Options United Kingdom +, writes (9 March 2018):

I've been in relationships where I've become infatuated with someone else, and in every single case there was a common thread: the new object of my attention was offering (or I thought they might offer) something my partner wasn't.

I used to be dreadful at communicating my needs in relationships, and as a result, if my needs weren't being met I'd often struggle along. Then when someone else came along who might meet those needs, it was easy to get infatuated.

So my suggestion for questions you need to ask yourself are these.

What do you need that you're not getting from your husband? Have you spoken with him about it? Have you spoken with anyone about it?

What is this guy offering you that you find hard to resist? Attention? Affection? Excitement?

You say the sex with your husband has been insane since you've had this sexual tension. What was it like before?

The reason I ask these questions is that for however long you've been with your husband, this can't have been the first time you've noticed someone attractive, so whatever's different about this guy isn't that he's attractive. Loads of people are attractive, yet few can really grab our attention like this.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOK...

Let's start with 50 shades of shit. That "book" is NOT about kinky sex or BDSM, OK? It's really a book written by a woman who thought she wrote some tantalizing fan-fiction about Twilight.

EVERYTHING in that piss poor book is ridiculous. It's about a man who was sexually abused as a teenager who then continue down that path by inflicting control, manipulation and abuse on some dumb naive inexperienced girl.

And is has absolutely NOTHING to do with bondage. OK? The author doesn't know shit from shoes.

Why this series of crappy book got such a following with sexually frustrated older women I will never understand.

But I guess I digressed a little there.

I can tell you what you need to do in two words... You won't like it but there is it.

GROW UP!

Sorry, you are too old for acting like a hormone driven horny teenager.

Take all the energy you put into this "emotional affair" and put it into your family, your marriage and your kids.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (9 March 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSo, you are being unfaithful to your husband. Don't pretend that, just because you and your lust buddy haven't done anything physical yet, you have not been unfaithful. You are taking away energy from your marriage and investing it in this lothario. Don't kid yourself that, because you have hot sex with your husband while fantasizing about your colleague, it is ok. How would you feel if your husband was doing the same?

Never underestimate the power of lust. It is a VERY powerful emotion. However, it is just that: lust. And no, it won't just "go away" if you have a one night stand. It will just get worse.

You already have enough empathy to feel bad for his poor wife, who is pregnant and doesn't know he is jangling another woman's chain. Think how bad you would feel if you actually DID something.

Added to that, you are WORK colleagues. If it ever gets out (and it would only be a matter of time), think how your other colleagues, and your employers, will see it. Unfair as it is, the women in these situations usually get the finger pointed more than the men. Your colleagues will brush over his involvement and see him as a "player". I'm sure I don't need to spell it out to you what YOU will be called.

You CAN take control. You CHOOSE not to because you don't want to let go of the thrill you get from your contact with him. What you CHOOSE to do is down to you. We can do anything we want in life but everything comes with a price. Carry on your affair with him and, inevitably, your husband, his wife or your colleagues will discover something. Then your husband, his wife and numerous children will suffer because you two wanted a cheap thrill. Think about it. Even if YOU don't think you are worth better, surely THEY are?

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