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How do "average" couples have sex? How to politely avoid ejaculation?

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Question - (8 March 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 March 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

How do "average" couples have sex? How to politely avoid ejaculation?

By that, I mean those who (if filmed) don't look like porn videos (pro or amateur). I can't find anything online about how less adventurous couples have sex.

I'm probably considered "vanilla" - no anal and the thought of dealing with ejaculation makes me nauseous. It's an absolutely normal bodily fluid, but it just makes me uncomfortable. My first (and only) boyfriend couldn't ejaculate (won't go into why; not my story), so we were kind of perfectly matched intimately.

Can guys "warn" you before they ejaculate? Is there any way to avoid it getting on you, aside from using condoms? Like some ejaculate on their partner's body, if not in their mouth - is there a way to politely avoid that without making a big deal of it? I'd communicate it with them before we get intimate, but I'd like to have suggestions on how to get around it first.

For what it's worth, if I was with a guy who didn't like female "fluids", I'd be happy for him to do oral without dealing with the area below (if he was still okay with oral). I know some may be sensitive about it, though, which is why I'd like ideas on how to approach and deal with it before having to discuss it with anyone else.

In terms of being vanilla, some of it is just inexperience and lack of confidence, so I'm sure there are some things I'd be happy to try, once comfortable with a future boyfriend (these aren't). That's not really the issue. I'd just like to know how "regular" couples go about having non-porn-like sex and how to avoid ejaculate without being dramatic or insensitive.

A while ago, I saw someone say "try it before you rule it out" to someone else, but that doesn't help. Sometimes we just know we don't like something and there's nothing wrong with us for not wanting to cross certain boundaries.

Thank you in advance!

View related questions: condom, confidence, ejaculate, ejaculation, porn

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (9 March 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntActually I've been rereading the original post and somewhat regret my quick response. This is what the OP said, "Can guys "warn" you before they ejaculate? Is there any way to avoid it getting on you, aside from using condoms? Like some ejaculate on their partner's body, if not in their mouth - is there a way to politely avoid that without making a big deal of it? I'd communicate it with them before we get intimate, but I'd like to have suggestions on how to get around it first.

Guys can warn you. Guys can pull out before ejaculation. Guys are notoriously bad at this and frequently miss. The chance of accidental insemination is high.

OP Also said "the thought of dealing with ejaculation makes me nauseous." "dealing with" gives us no idea of what exactly she wants to avoid. Nauseous is a very strong word indicating eminent vomiting, but I am aware that many people use it in the place of feeling queasy.

If the op is going to vomit if she sees or touches semen (deals with) then avoiding sex would be advisable. If on the other hand she means she would have little problem if he ejaculated on her body, but would feel queasy if he ejaculated in her vagina, then that is a reasonable risk, and good communication and an understanding partner who isn't interested in children could work out this kink.

In fact my long term partner often uses the term Nauseous to indicate minor queasiness as well as serious gastrointestinal distress. On the other hand she is quite let down if she doesn't get to "deal with" ejaculate. I sometimes think it's her favorite part.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (9 March 2018):

chigirl agony auntYes, guys can warn you. And then they can just pull out before ejaculaing. But honestly, you should work on why it weirds you out. Sounds like a mental hang up that you should take seriously and not let control you. Do you by chance have ocd?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018):

I'm sure you can find exceptions, but I think the vast majority of guys would want to ejaculate in or on their (long-term) partner. Most of us would rather not have to use condoms, either-- they don't feel as good.

I can totally understand not wanting ejaculate on your body or in your mouth, but maybe you should work on the idea of it being okay inside you-- would definitely broaden your pool of potential partners. Also, I imagine that most guys wouldn't mind if you immediately went to the loo to get it out of you.

Actually I just thought of something. The female condom may be your answer-- to a lot of men they feel much better than the conventional condom.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (9 March 2018):

mystiquek agony auntBoth aunts/uncles gave you great answers. I really have to agree with Fatherly Advice. You sound almost repulsed by sex. If you feel that way why on earth would you want to have it?? Its ok whatever age you are to not feel comfortable with sex. Dont push yourself into something that you are ready for. Condoms are about the only way. Please don't think that most people have sex like porn stars. Far from it. A respectable man isn't going to do anything that the lady doesn't feel comfortable with. Remember that. Have a heart to heart with your man and tell him how you feel. Men aren't mind readers and trust me they can be just as unsure and insecure as a woman the first couple of times with a new partner. TELL HIM how you feel. If you're thinking of having sex with him then you should be able to talk to him about it beforehand.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 March 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe OP didn't say she was nauseous having sex, FA. She said ejaculation makes her nauseous. Some people can't deal with blood, some can't deal with ejaculation.

Perhaps have a towel available to lay across you and he ejaculates on it - so it's the visual of it almost going on you, without it actually going on you? Though I'm not sure how to approach a discussion about it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWell, one GREAT way to avoid ejaculate is for the MALE to use a condom. That will collect ALL that "pesky" sperm. It will also protect you from some STD's and unwanted pregnancies. So if you are a bit skirmish about ejaculate - ask him to use a condom.

Which in all good sense SHOULD be the norm in a new/newer relationship anyways. EVEN if you are on the pill/iud/implant. Having two types of contraceptive is just SMART. As for - not wanting to have a long term partner ejaculate INSIDE you, well if you can get naked and have sex with a guy, you CAN (or ought to) tell him, I don't want you to ejaculate inside me. Have a box of tissues at the bed.

And no, I don't superscribe to the try it before.. blah blah.. no. We all have boundaries.

As for how people have non-porny sex... well, that is up to the couple. It's NOT really THAT complicated.

You CAN look up erotic massages and learn how to add that or just explore with your partner - which is perhaps an indication that I'm NOT talking casual sex partners here but long term partners with whom you have developed trust and respect. Get to know your partner's body, the things HE likes, the places he enjoys having touches etc. And he does the same for you.

Lastly, MOST porn is not REAL. It's "acted" out. It's fake. Even down to the huge amount of ejaculates, the make up to make the women more attractive, the implant for bigger boobs and all the fake NOISES.

So don't go look at porn and think "Is THIS how people have sex?" Because no, it's not. Then again there is a VERY wide range as for WHAT two people can do sexually. As long as BOTH of them want it.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (8 March 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntCondoms are about your only option. In general if you use the word Nauseous to describe sex, You probably aren't ready to start having sex.

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